A Hundred Words
by Prim the amazing
Summary: A hundred drabbles inspired by a hundred random words. Will most likely be Yullen and/or Arekan.
1. Atheism

**Atheism**

People said God loved him, even he, himself did. Allen wondered if he really did.

He had been born with a disfigured left arm that set him apart from everyone else since his first day alive. His parents hated him and treated him like trash before they finally abandoned him when he was seven in the middle of winter in no man's land. And where ever Allen went as soon as they saw his arm they called him a demon and before he knew it there was an angry mob chasing him.

He lived for about a year out on the streets before he joined a traveling circus like the freak he was. And that was where the overly defensive, provocative boy had met the man that had changed his life, Mana. He'd loved and appreciated him like no one else ever had only to be ripped away from him.

And there he was mourning and alone, sitting by the grave of the only person who'd ever cared for him. And then the Earl had appeared. Allen had at the time thought that his situation couldn't possibly become worse and he was proven fatally wrong. Ecstatic and hopeful at the chance of bringing the man he viewed as a father back to life Allen had readily agreed.

And then Mana had started yelling and he had been ready to kill Allen and then his horrible, horrible arm had become big and even more frightening and it had started moving on its own and it killed Mana.

He. Killed. Mana.

And for a long time Allen was convinced that a monster was attached to him. A monster that killed other people including Mana and if he moved it would kill him as well and he couldn't run because it was attached to his body and he was too afraid of angering it to move or try and bite of his arm so he just sat there, curled up in front of Mana's grave not even blinking. He'd killed Mana.

And then of Cross had come along and generally made his life a living Hell. But at least he stopped fearing that his arm was going to kill him. Though he didn't stop fearing his arm. Every time he was in the presence of other human beings his heart was secretly thudding as he hoped with all of his heart that his arm would flip out and kill whoever was in front of him.

Especially around Kanda.

He loved Kanda.

He was as sure of this fact as he was sure that that huge shining thing hanging suspended in the sky was called sun. And so whenever he was around him he nearly went into a full blown panic attack. He would scowl and yell and hurl insults at Kanda hoping that he'd take a hint and leave him alone so that he'd be safe from him because Allen was a _monster_.

But Kanda didn't take a hint. He got mad at him and hurled insults and fist right back at him but he didn't leave. He never leaved. It seemed like whenever he turned around there Kanda was scowling at him with an insult already slipping through his beautiful lips.

It was terrifying.

And so the answer was no, Allen was quite sure that God didn't love him because if he did then Allen wouldn't have horrible parents, a horrible guardian, have the only person that ever loved him ripped away from him painfully twice, a horrible gnawing sensation in the pit of his stomach that was constantly there and the knowledge that he was a monster and the constant fear that he'd fly off the handle at any second and go on a killing spree and knowing that he was always endangering the man he loved.

Allen often had nightmares of this happening. He dreamt about him killing Mana, he dreamt about him killing Lenalee and Lavi, Komui, Marie, Miranda, Krory, Jimmy and worst of all Kanda.

He definitely didn't want to hurt Kanda. If he killed Kanda it would destroy him. He would go back to the motionless lump he'd been after he'd killed Mana except this time he'd never go back to normal. Never.

Sometimes he wondered if God even existed.


	2. Solving

**Solving**

Sometimes things were so complicated.

Sometimes he didn't know what to think about what had happened long ago when he was still a child.

Sometimes he didn't know what to feel about the Order.

Sometimes he didn't know why he kept on going.

Sometimes things were so simple.

When Allen was in the room, when Allen was looking at him with beautiful silver eyes, when Allen was there everything was so simple.

He didn't need to think about Alma, Alma was in the past, and Allen was here now.

And he should stay with the Order because Allen was there.

And he should always keep going, keep on walking ahead as the Moyashi put it.

Things were so simple when Allen was there.

Allen solved everything somehow.

Somehow Allen's laugh that sounded little bells ringing in the air meant more to him than the lotus ever would. Somehow the fact that his hair was white and his ribbon red and his arm disfigured managed to become important to him.

The fact that Allen sometimes hummed haunting songs under his breath that seemed about as beautiful as his eyes was important to him.

Many things about the albino seemed to be important to him. He was just so unique and irreplaceable. He was a once in a lifetime. Kanda knew that he would never meet anyone like Allen again.

And therefore Kanda always made sure to have all his meals in the cafeteria at the same time as Allen but still make it look like a coincidence. That's why Kanda allows himself a small smile when he's alone in his room every time after Allen has managed to survive something. When Kanda is in over his head and has so much weighing on his shoulders that it almost feels like he can't move he seeks out Allen and starts a fight with him. He always feels better afterwards.

Allen is Kanda's solution.


	3. Teenager

**Teenager**

Kanda's age was probably one of the most complicated things about him. Technically he had been born sixty years ago. Technically he had also been born ten years ago. And strangely enough, he looked twenty. So in other words he was either sixty years old or ten, yet looked twenty. This complicated a lot of things.

But Allen no matter how you looked at it was a short, lovable teenager.

Allen, unlike Kanda, had only been born once. Allen, unlike Kanda, had looked his age when he was born and still did.

Allen was different from Kanda in many ways. Allen was polite and innocent looking. Kanda was rude and sort of looked like a murderer, which he kind of was seeing as he'd killed Alma and countless akuma but that wasn't the point. And one of their differences that stung Kanda the most was the fact that Allen looked like a boy and he, as many people had so _kindly_ pointed out for him, did in fact _not_ look like a boy. Kanda hated that, did it look like he had breast? Were his hips shapely? Was his voice feminine? Did he lack an Adam's apple? Did he wear skirts and dresses and high-heeled shoes? No! No, he did not!

There were so many differences between the man/boy with no distinguishable age and the teenager they might as well be night and day.

Kanda had long inky black hair with a bluish sheen to it that was usually held up in a high ponytail and Allen had snow white hair that he wore lose in all its shortness. Kanda had dark annoyed almond eyes, and Allen had silver eyes that were kind and big and innocent.

They were so different that it hurt. Kanda never said this or let on that this was what he thought in anyway.

But as Lavi always annoyingly enough said 'look at the bright side, Yuu-chan!' and then Kanda would try with all his might to decapitate Lavi. But for some reason he still tried to look at the bright side.

They both hated their generals. They both had 'pet names' for each other. They were both, as reluctant as Kanda was to admit it, friends with Lenalee and Lavi. They both had an 'evil' side, though admittedly Kanda's was out more than Allen's.

And then in the middle of making his list Kanda would always remind himself that there was no bright side about having similarities with the Moyashi. He would remind himself that being so massively different from Allen, both in appearance and personality, was a good thing. But he'd always come back to trying to come up with ways they were similar whenever he was overwhelmed with how different they were. For some reason it bothered him.

And then Kanda would as always huff disdainfully at himself and in vain, try and make himself stop thinking about Allen.

This ritual stopped for some reason when Lavi told him one day that opposites attract. He pretended not to notice.

Though he still often found himself thinking about the teenager.


	4. Wiring

**Wiring**

When he and Kanda glared at each other people always later told him that they swore that they had seen 'sparks flying in between them'.

Allen thought this funny but although he could deny it to anyone who dared asked he couldn't deny it to himself that whenever Kanda touched him, even to punch him, Allen could swear there was an electric tingle that shot through his body that he always carefully made sure to hide. It was like a small shock every time the Asian man touched him.

Allen guessed that it just was the way they were wired, or rather how Allen was wired. The sky was blue, Noah were dicks, Cross was a bastard and when Kanda Yuu touched Allen the albino would feel like he'd just been struck by lightning, his hear beat skipping a beat and then thumping faster than ever before. It was a fact, though admittedly a hidden fact.

It was just how Allen was wired. He would dream about Kanda, whether it was about sharing chaste kisses and whispering sweet nothing into each other's ears or if it was about the two of them naked, pressed up against each other, sweating and moaning in a hazy frenzy. It was just how God had wired him.

His thoughts and actions would become irrational and out of character for him whenever he was around the beautiful man. He would become jealous at the slightest hint that someone was interested in Kanda. He would become paranoid whenever Kanda went out on a mission and wasn't there yet even when it was about time he should be back. He would randomly daydream about Kanda and blush uncontrollably. No matter how hard he tried he wasn't able to compare Kanda to anyone else he knew.

It was strange and slightly frightening and the only excuse Allen had was that God had wired him to react these odd ways to situations that involved Kanda. So he acted like he wasn't scared of the fact that sometimes when Kanda let down his hair or said something that could be easily interpreted the wrong way his chest would suddenly constrict and it would be hard to breathe and he'd be completely unable to talk.

It was after all the wiring's fault.

His hearts unpredictable beat didn't scare him at all.

And so whenever things he couldn't explain happened he just blamed how he was wired.

Oh, he couldn't stop thinking about Kanda? It was the wiring's fault. Oh, every time he blinked he saw Kanda behind his closed eyes? Wiring. Oh, he went out of his way to track Kanda down when he was upset to have a fight with him so he'd feel better? Wiring. Oh, he kissed Kanda did he? Wiring.

Really, it was all the wiring's fault.

The way his face burned and his heart jumped up his throat when Kanda kissed him back was the wiring's fault.

So there was nothing to be confused about.

Nothing at all.

So the sparks were okay, they were natural, they were _right_. They were as right as Kanda's kiss.


	5. Soft

**Soft**

Soft. Allen had often wondered if Kanda's hair was as soft as it looked. Now as his bare hands raked through his bluish untied locks Allen had to conclude that yes, Kanda's hair really was that soft.

It smelled nice too. It smelled like lotuses and soba and Kanda's own musk. Eventually as they started spending more and more time together Allen found that much to his pleasure Kanda was also faintly beginning to smell like mitarashi dango.

Kanda's hair was unique. After all, there weren't a whole lot of people out there with _blue _hair. And there weren't that many men with long hair either. And damn was it long, it was longer than most female's hair.

And damn was it soft. Softer than feathers. Softer than velvet. Softer that anything Allen could ever think of. Kanda's hair would slip through his fingers like silk and the knowledge that he was the only one allowed to do this made a possessive glee rise in Allen.

He remembered the first time he had touched Kanda's hair. The first time he'd smelled it. The first time he'd woken up in the morning to the welcoming sight of his fellow exorcist's hair. The first time Kanda had let him brush it and tie it up. Those were precious memories.

Kanda's hair was one of his defining features. You just had to ask 'hey excuse me, but have you seen a long haired grumpy Asian?' and they'd point you in the right way.

It wasn't just his hair though that was soft.

Thanks to Kanda's regenerative ability his skin never scarred, his hands never acquired calluses. Kanda's skin was a beautiful cream color and was the smoothest thing Allen had ever touched since Kanda's hair. Nothing could compare.

When Allen's hands weren't tangled up in Kanda's hair they were spread out wide trying to touch every bit of Kanda's beautiful skin. Trying to get at everything, touch everything, and know about everything. There wasn't an inch of Kanda's body that Allen's hands hadn't roved over several times.

Allen was a gentle, kind, forgiving soul. But when it came to Kanda he became truly frightening. He became ferocious, threatening, possessive, suspicious, _jealous_.

Kanda knew this. Everyone knew this. But he didn't do anything; frankly it flattered him, though he'd never admit it. He liked the idea of somebody being so touchy about him, he liked the fact that the moment somebody so much as glanced at him his partners untouchable polite smile twisted into an ugly snarl.

And so Kanda would allow Allen's hands to undo his hair and tangle up in his strands and rove over each inch of his skin as he growled possessively and the glint in his silver eyes said _mine_.

Sometimes Kanda could be such a softie.

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	6. True

**True**

Lenalee had liked Allen for a long time. She vied for his attention. Made sure to smile extra sweetly when he was around. Made sure to be extra nice and cute when he was looking. Made sure to be adoring and lovely. She washed her hair every morning and brushed it twice, a hundred strokes for each side. She always made sure to tie them up in impeccable twin tails. She always made sure that she was wearing just the right amount of makeup. Just the right amount of perfume. She always ate meager, appropriate portions of food that would make sure that she remained slim.

And she'd still lost.

To Kanda.

Kanda.

Kanda who didn't even use conditioner yet still had the shiniest silky hair she had ever in her entire life seen. Kanda who didn't give a damn about how he smelled yet still managed to smell like flowers. Kanda who would never use makeup ever in his entire life yet still didn't have a single flaw on his face. Kanda who ate soba for three meals a day like it was completely normal and healthy yet still managed to have the perfect physique. Kanda who didn't give two shits about what people thought about him and acted however he liked yet people who got close to him could still see that he was a genuinely nice person. Kanda who was always wearing a mean scowl yet still managed to look beautiful. Kanda the rude man who never smiled yet managed to project more emotion wioth just his eyes than she'd ever be able to.

That Kanda.

She'd lost to that Kanda.

It couldn't be true. Oh, but it was, a horrid mean voice whispered in her head. It was all true. Allen loved Kanda, not her. No matter how hard she tried she'd lost to Kanda who hadn't been trying at all. She was a failure. She was undesirable. She was pathetic and Kanda was glorious.

Kanda was better than her. Lenalee had lost and Kanda had won even though he hadn't even noticed that he was competing with her.

It wasn't fair.

She could see how they looked at each other. She could see how they brushed against each other. She could see how they always disappeared at the same time as the other, not to be found for hours when they'd reappear looking satisfied and relaxed.

And she could definitely hear them moaning as she stood outside of Allen's room, hand raised to knock frozen in the air as she stared at Allen's door in numb despair.

She'd lost.

It couldn't be true yet it was. It was true, it was true, it was true and nothing would ever be able to make that horrible knowledge go away.

She'd lost utterly and completely to a man who hadn't even been trying. She wanted to throw up. And so she stumbled over to her room and kneeled down in front of her toilet and puked and puked and puked until there was nothing more to puke and she was dry heaving over the porcelain throne with tears and carefully applied mascara streaming down her face.

Her hair was tangled and knotted and out of their two perfect twin tails and she couldn't care less. She smelled like the vomit she'd just projected and her breath stunk. In her haste of clutching the toilet bowl one of her nails had broken and she just couldn't stop sobbing and make keening sounds like some sort of dying animal.

She really did like Allen.

When she was done she took a long shower using her lavender shampoo and conditioner. When she was done she dried her hair and brushed each side one hundred times and tied them up in two perfect twin tails. She then brushed her teeth, took on a perfect amount of makeup and perfume and she took on her uniform.

She grimaced at her reflection for about half an hour until she finally managed to squeeze out a smile that said 'everything's perfectly fine, I'm fine, I'm happy, please don't talk to me'.

And then she went outside of her room and served coffee to the hard working scientists and then she had supper and when Kanda and Allen entered looking satisfied and relaxed she kept right on smiling and nobody looked at her twice.

It was true and there was nothing she could do about it. So she might as well act like everything was okay she thought as she ate her small portion of food that would make sure that she remained attractively slim.

It was true and she hated it but she was going to act like it was all a lie. But it's all true, the horrid voice whispered in her head again.

She ignored it and made sure to smile extra sweetly at Allen.

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	7. Drivel

**Drivel**

"Shut up Moyashi."

"My name is Allen, BaKanda! Or can't you get that through your thick skull?"

And so it begins yet again. They start fighting about the most mundane things. They took every opportunity they could take. They fought about the worth of a human being, who was stronger, what food was better, they fought about their names and nicknames, they fought about who as the more annoying and they wouldn't hesitate to start a fully fledged fist fight if one of them accidentally bumped into the other.

It was all drivel, really. They'd childishly exchange blows just so their fist could make contact, just so they could glare deep into each other's eyes, just so they could talk to each other, even if it was curses and insults. It was childish and obvious and in Lavi's opinion hilarious.

Lavi often wondered how the hell the entire Order hadn't noticed it. It was just so blindingly obvious that it left him gasping for air as he laughed and laughed and laughed in the privacy of his room. It was actually kind of cute, he commented to himself inside his head as he watched Allen sock Yuu-chan in the face and Yuu-chan managed to work in a nick with Mugen. It was just a glancing blow to the side. Nothing too bad.

Lavi had a theory of his. Neither Allen nor Yuu-chan had had a proper childhood so they still responded to crushes the way children did. When children had crushes they would pull at each other's hair and insult and yell at them and look at each other when they thought the other wasn't looking. Except that Allen and Yuu-chan were both strong adults so instead of hair pulling it was sword stabs and roundhouse kicks. It was still cute though.

Occasionally when they hadn't had a fight in awhile, in other words a couple of hours, Allen or Kanda would knock into each other or say something that would piss the other off on purpose so that they could exchange drivel again and glare deep into each other's eyes as tension hung heavy in the air. God, did they have to get laid.

Seriously, the tension was enough to make _him_ feel like a twelve year old going through puberty and two boxes of tissues a week. This was the second part of his secret theory, if they just boned they would be way less tense. If Allen just loosened Yuu-chan's tight ass a bit using methods Lavi was far too straight to even think of performing then maybe he wouldn't try to decapitate him every time he called him Yuu-chan, maybe he'd just try and cut off his legs or something.

"What was that Moyashi!"

"I_ said_-"

Drivel, meaningless drivel all of it.

Maybe he could trap them inside a closet for a couple of hours. Allen and Yuu-chan enclosed in a small space with nothing but their repressed hormones to keep them company would surely result in _something _happening, possibly a murder or two but oh well. Or maybe he could just outright say that he knew they were most likely having funky dreams about each other.

Oh, what would they do without his infinite matchmaking knowledge? Lavi suppressed an evil grin as he said, "Hey Yuu-chan, Allen? Could the two of you please help me get something from that storage closet I have a key for?"

Lavi marveled at how dense they were as he led them to the closet, the two of them spewing drivel at each other behind his back.

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	8. Masks

**Masks**

They all had their masks.

Lavi, smiling, joking, acting like a fool, that was his mask. He didn't actually see any reason to smile or rile up the man known as Kanda Yuu, but he did it because it was part of his training. He was emotionless, he wondered if one of his so called friends were to die if he'd go to the effort to look like this would sadden him. He didn't care for any of them. He was a Bookman, he was a recorder, not a mere human being that started wars and hated and loved and felt joy and sadness, he was a Bookman and Bookmen were above such measly things such as emotions. He made sure not to show this.

Kanda had his own mask as well. He saw them everywhere, the flowers, the accursed lotuses. He would see them no matter where he looked and no one else would and the only thing he could do as the sweet smell of the flowers penetrated his very mind, as his fingers accidently brushed against the soft petals was to ignore them, act like they weren't there. And every time he would close his eyes or sleep the lotuses would finally disappear only to be replaced by Alma, to be replaced by _her. _His one true love, he would see her bleeding and dying and crying as Alma laughed hysterically as he pointed towards their bodies, covered in blood and surrounded by corpses. He didn't want to scowl, he didn't want to glare. He wanted to scream and shout as he cried and hid his face in his hands and sobbed like a broken child. But he remained hidden behind his mask.

Even Lenalee had her very own mask. As she looked at her brother she would show exasperation but underneath there was a desperate love and a plea of 'please don't leave me'. People always called Komui overprotective and while not assuming that Lenalee didn't love him they all agreed that it Komui loved her more. They were wrong. Komui meant the world to he, she hated being alone. She needed his love and comfort and presence. If anything ever happened to him she would go mad. She didn't show any of this.

And Allen too. His mask was firm and hard to crack. He was polite and smiling and happy but underneath he was just a grieving rude child trying to imitate his dead hero that he had killed himself with his own left hand. He was not polite, he was not patient, and he was not brave. He was ruder than a sailor and less patient than Kanda's mask, and if there was anything he wasn't it was brave. He was a coward. A stinking useless coward. He was disgusting. Mana had always told him to keep on walking, he pretended to follow this advice, but he wasn't keeping on walking, he was running away. After he had killed Mana he'd gone insane. He'd literally gone insane. So he'd had to create a persona to imitate so he wouldn't go gaga and kill everyone around him like he'd killed Mana. So he'd started imitating Mana. He wasn't his own person, he was a carbon copy of Mana. A sad desperate, miserable thing with an impenetrable mask.

They all had their masks, and they wouldn't remove them for the world. They're true selves had died a long time ago.

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Please review! I know it's really short but I hope I made up for that with my honest insights.


	9. Silver

**Silver**

Silver. That was the first thought to go through Kanda's head when he feasted his eyes on Allen. It wasn't akuma or what the hell's up with that scar and the hair? He thought silver.

Allen's silver eyes had look right at him, the two fathomless silver orbs penetrating him, almost as if he could see his very soul. And for a second, just a second, the flowers had disappeared. The lotuses that were always everywhere, unseen by everyone else, always there to mock him and remind him of his horrible past had vanished when he saw Allen.

It had been _so long_ since he'd be able to go around without the flowers but then this stranger that he was told was an akuma came along and took them away just like that. And so of course he'd panicked, was this some sort of akuma ability? That meant that this was at least a level two. He'd not let it his fear show of course, he'd kept his poker face and held his Mugen to the strangers throat as he made his case. Kanda made sure to carefully avoid eye contact the entire time.

And then Allen had been declared as not being an akuma and he'd tsked and scowled but he'd actually been strangely relieved. He was unable to even think of being the one to make those _beautiful _eyes glaze over. Kanda never called anything beautiful, he might call his dead lover beautiful, but she was dead and Allen wasn't and his eyes were beautiful. He hated it when they became wet with tears, he hated it when they remained dull as he forced his polite smile that was so obviously faked, and he loved it when those eyes sparked with anger and twinkled with laughter.

The next time Kanda sees Allen he hides behind a pillar and looks at his eyes. They are the most incredible shade of silver he has ever seen and the flowers disappear yet again. He feels… peaceful. Not a hint of a petal anywhere, there wasn't even a lingering scent in the air of flowers. Kanda had actually forgotten how it was to breathe in deeply and not smell the disgustingly sweet smell of lotuses.

The next time he actually talks to Allen he realizes that while to him Allen is an enigma, to Allen he's just some rude guy with a sword. Kanda doesn't make any horrible hallucinations disappear for Allen. He doesn't do anything special for Allen. For some reason this saddens him.

And that night he dreams. He doesn't dream about his lover dying, or Alma laughing hysterically as he holds the Innocence and his splattered with blood from dead scientists. He dreams of silver. He dreams that he is floating in a silver abyss and he feels safe and warm and there aren't any flowers. That was the first time in a long time he hadn't woken up trying to remember how to breathe or with the taste of salty tears on his tongue. Ever since he met Allen he rarely dreamt of other things than silver.

Silver is his favorite color now and whenever he's agitated and he can't find Allen he finds something silver and stares at it for a long time, it doesn't make the flowers disappear but it calms him down. When he meditates now he thinks of silver. He can't remember how he managed to function without Allen anymore; it's almost like his entire life centers around the albino now.

When he is upset and manages to find him Kanda looks at Allen unseen for hours as he stares at his pretty eyes. And whenever they react they fight and he's socially allowed to glare deep into Allen's eyes. Somehow it feels even better when he and Allen are participating in eye contact. Not only does he stop feeling awful but when Allen looks into his eyes he feels important and pleasant. When Allen looks at him there is an odd fluttery feeling in the pit of his stomach that kind of tickles and his heart feels weird and his breath catches in his throat and even though all of these sensations should have irked him or frightened him he finds himself hoping that Allen will look at him.

It's all very strange and he doesn't quite get it, Kanda is a lot younger than he looks and he never had a normal upbringing so the fact of the matter was that he wasn't quite sure what love was. He knows that in his past life he had a lover, and she would always hold a dear and precious place in his heart, but still. And he knows that he loved Alma as well, but in a weird fucked up sort of way since Alma was technically his dead lover but he just can't see Alma that way. And that was actually kind of the problem, he didn't know that you could love someone like someone loves a lover even if your first one has died; he thinks that you only have one shot at love and if that's taken away from you than… well, game over.

And he can't even begin to comprehend the saying of love of at first sight. This is partly the fault of that anyone could be an akuma and he wouldn't know it. But he fell in love with Allen at first sight and no matter how annoying he is the more he gets to know him the more he loves him.

And so he settles for watching Allen's beautiful eyes and he never says anything.

And Allen who whenever he is upset seeks Kanda out to look deep into his amazing dark eyes never says anything either.

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	10. Cream

**Cream**

Kanda loves the taste of Allen. He tastes soft and smooth and sweet, he melts on Kanda's tongue. He tastes like cream.

It is a known fact that Kanda doesn't like sweets, when people hear this they aren't surprised, he seems like the type of guy that wouldn't like sweets. But it's different with Allen. Allen's skin and kiss is just the right subtle amount of sugary goodness, just the right amount of _oh dear god yes._

Every single chance he has he will give the albino a small peck, a kiss, a frantic make out session, a hot lick right in the middle of his favorite activity of the day.

It's a tantalizing, hypnotic taste that is surprisingly addictive. Kanda can't get enough of it. Allen personally thinks it charming how the Asian man can't for the life of him keep his hands to himself, thinks it's actually kind of cute when Kanda looks at him with a longing, hopelessly in love look. Kanda thinks it's unfair that Allen can possibly taste so damn delicious. Allen's flavor will haunt him in the middle of the night when he can't fall asleep. He won't be able to stop thinking about him as he licks his lips and when he finally sees him again he talks to him in that low husky voice that makes Allen weak in his knees and he leads him away to a dark secluded corner.

Lavi just snickers and mentally changes Kanda's favorite food from soba to Allen and Lenalee just looks at it all with a small knowing amused smile on her lips. Kanda is still annoyed by the unfairness of it all and Allen still thinks it's cute.

Cream.

Nothing makes Kanda think of Allen like cream. He tastes it when he gives him a long deep kiss and he tastes it in the dark of his bedroom in the middle of the night and he's also tasted it when he's licking it off of Allen's skin. Licking cream off of a surface that already tastes like cream was a truly unique experience.

When Allen one day tells him still groggy from just haven woken up that he thinks that Kanda tastes like strawberries for some reason he doesn't quite know what to think except that Lavi had said something about how you couldn't eat strawberry without cream once.

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I know it's pretty short but I just wanted to write something for the sake of writing something seeing as I haven't updated for the LONGEST TIME EVER! Three. Whole. Days. Three entire days since I last updated! Jesus, sorry about that it's just that I've been gone visiting my grandma since it's vacation. If you liked it review it!


	11. Snow

**Snow**

Kanda looks up at the sky. The sky is gloomy and grey and hopeless, he nods in approval at this. Kanda is glad that the sky reflects his mood.

He watches the snowflakes fall from the sky only to be crushed on the ground by other snowflakes, creating a fresh white crisp blanket that covers the world. He isn't wearing any warm clothes, he's just wearing his uniform, no scarf, no gloves, no warm and toasty coat. He isn't cold though, he's numb. His tied hair is covered in snow, his tightly clenched hands are as well, his entire form is covered by a small layer of snow. He'd been standing there for hours, hiding in the courtyard in the middle of winter, hiding away from the truth.

The snow makes him feel nice and numb, and it reminds him of Allen. It reminds him of snow white hair and pale skin. It reminds him of how Allen looks when he isn't fighting for his life in an operation room.

Him and Allen had just been on a mission half across the country. And Allen had been wounded. Badly. His blood had stained his pure white hair and usually neat clothes. His hair had been ruffled and his clothes had looked messy, and he'd been covered in blood. His breathing had been harsh and strained as he handed him over to Komui. His silver eyes had been tightly clenched and he'd been shaking like a leaf.

Kanda had been outside in the courtyard for hours. His face was a blank slate revealing nothing. He didn't know how Allen was doing, he wasn't like Lenalee or Lavi. Those two were seating outside of the operating room crying and waiting impatiently for the news, wanting to know whether or not Allen would live.

Kanda didn't want to know whether or not Allen would live. Because he was sure of what would happen, his lover had died, Alma had died. Everyone he loved died and now Allen was going to die as well, it was just how his life worked. It was all his fault, he shouldn't have gotten close to Allen. Allen was going to die now and it was all going to be his fault.

So he was just going to hide in the courtyard where no one would think to look and he would forever hide and never be told that Allen had died. If he didn't hear it or see it then it wasn't real and Allen was alright and everything was fine.

So Kanda watched the falling snow in silence. The snow was cold and harsh and his skin was numb yet it felt like it was on fire. Kanda thought that was pretty symbolic.

He stood there for the longest time, he stood there so long that he saw the sun set and then rise and he still didn't move. And then finally there was an odd sensation on his shoulder, prickling and uncomfortable and oddly warm. He stiffly turned his head to see Lavi standing there behind him, with a hand on his shoulder. Kanda wasn't sure how long the red head had been standing there. Lavi looked at him silently and then he opened his mouth to tell him that Allen was dead.

Kanda reacted instantly.

His hand flew over to cover the man's mouth and he tackled him like he hadn't been standing silently without moving in the middle of winter for hours. Lavi looked up at him with an unreadable expression and for this Kanda was glad, he could read whatever he liked into that look. He could act like he'd come to tell him that Allen was fine or maybe he'd just come over to tell him that it was time for dinner or something. Yeah.

Kanda straddled Lavi as he made sure to keep his hand over Lavi's mouth. "Don't say it." He hissed. "Don't you dare say it."

They laid there in silence in the snow for awhile before Lavi sharply jerked his head underneath Kanda's palm when he least expected it and he said, "Get off me Yuu-chan, I'm cold."

Kanda was so shocked and grateful that he hadn't said anything about Allen that he slid off without a word. Lavi sat down beside him.

"Yuu-chan-"

"Shut up." Kanda snarled.

"Allen is-"

"Stop it!" Kanda yelled.

"fine."

There was silence.

"Allen is fine, Yuu-chan."

"Liar…" Kanda muttered but he dared let a little bit hope enter his cold heart. He was so cold.

"I'm not, come with me. He's eating."

Eating. Allen was fine. He was eating. Kanda felt oddly hysterical.

Lavi led him over to the cafeteria and when he opened the door Kanda's eyes darted around the room to find Allen. And there he was, eating like his life depended on it and covered in bandages. For a moment all Kanda did was stare but then he stomped over to Allen and hit him as hard as he could over the head.

"Why aren't you dead, Moyashi!" he yelled, he was honestly perplexed about how Allen was still alive because all he loved died.

Allen, rubbing his head glared at Kanda and yelled, "It's Allen BaKanda! And what the hell's up with you, you sound _disappointed!"_

And then they fought. And Lenalee laughed because she was so happy that everyone was alive and Lavi grinned because he alone noticed how Kanda's eyes shined and how he had to quickly rub at them when no one was looking.

And Allen was alive, his snow white hair not covered by a drop of blood.


	12. Ugly

**Ugly**

Kanda would be the first to admit that Allen was a pretty person, well, in his head at least, he'd be damned if he'd say those words aloud.

Allen after all had his unique soft looking snow white hair and nice pale complexion that suited him. He had his neat suits and blood red tie. He had his exotic looking scar and the morbidly interesting arm that screamed mystery, mystery was supposed to be sexy right? He had muscles, he was well fit, he smelled nice and was polite. His voice was soothing to the ear and it was heaven when he sung. And he had a beautiful face and wonderful silver eyes. But the prettiest of all was his perfect little smile that never moved, the smile that was so perfect it couldn't possibly be real.

Allen was a pretty person and Kanda knew this.

His personality was pretty as well. Kanda hated his unfortunate habit of being a complete martyr but most would see that as a virtue. He was kind and merciful and polite and forgiving and he was very good at seeing things from other people's point of views.

Yes, Allen was indeed a pretty person all over.

But Kanda knew Allen and he had gone through thick and thin with the albino and he remembered the day he had thought he was going to die. He was going to fight a Noah for the first time, he was going to fight Skinn. Skinn was much more stronger than him so he had been sure that he would die. And so he had turned around to look at his idiotic friends, not that he'd ever call them that out loud, and he had smiled. It had been a genuine heartfelt smile, packing all of his gratefulness and happiness and love that he never showed into one facial expression and he knew that it looked beautiful. And he'd seen their reaction, though he only noticed Allen's.

Allen had also been sure that Kanda would die. And so he'd smiled back. He'd smiled his most genuine smile, not a lie in it, laying his soul out for all to see, though only Kanda noticed. And it was the ugliest thing Kanda had ever seen, and that said something. The smile was crooked and shaky and showed too much teeth, he looked like a child that was about to cry, he looked like he was about to bite something, he looked like a man on the edge, he looked sad, he looked insane. And it was the most honest smile Kanda had ever seen and it was only when he first saw it that he realized that just like how Allen had never seen him smile before, that this was the first time he'd ever seen Allen truly smile.

It was ugly.

And yet it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

And Kanda had survived after all. And now he had the right to say that there was no one on the face of the earth that knew more than him. He didn't know his parent's name or how Allen looked like when he was a child, he didn't even know Allen's favorite color. But he did know Allen's true smile, and no one alive on the face of the earth could say the same.

But he never said that, he just acted like everything was normal. And so did Allen in turn. But they both remembered what they saw. And they never forgot it.

And to the day he would die Kanda would always remember that utterly beautiful smile.


	13. Romantic

**Romantic**

It was supposed to be just another mission. Kill the akuma that had been frequenting the village and find the Innocence. Nothing was supposed to go wrong. But it all went straight to hell without even the need of a basket. The akuma, the _Noah_, had tricked them. The akuma had acted like they were mere level ones when they had been far superior, three level threes. And a Noah had been there as well, a devious looking woman who could change shape.

They were caught off guard, they had been outnumbered, _they _were too strong and they had been expecting something far less horrible than a Noah and three level three akuma. And so they'd been defeated.

_(Excuses)_

They had lost.

Lost.

_(All because of him)_

Allen stared at the sky, it was sunset now. His eyes were still wide with shock, and he was still lying on his back, staring at the sky as he'd been doing for several hours due to the fact that he was too weak to move. Allen wiggled his toes a bit and then his breathing became a little bit better, he'd been afraid that he would be paralyzed for life there for a moment, thankfully it had just been a temporary thing.

_(Good for him, he'd be able to continue the painful train wreck of a thing he called a life)_

Allen thought about the attack and their escape as he waited for sensation to spread to his limbs. It had just been him and Kanda, and they had been walking through the town square as they looked for the akuma. And then it happened. Allen had gasped and clutched his cursed eye and Kanda had automatically drawn Mugen. But it hadn't been enough. And Allen knew that it was his fault. He'd been shocked and repulsed to see the innocent souls of three level three akuma's, he'd even burst into tears again, he'd vomited again.

_(Weak)_

Kanda, not knowing of their immense power, had charged. They might have made it. But then the Noah woman who could change shapes appeared and Allen had still been in shock. She had struck at Allen who had been petrified, he was sure to die.

And then Kanda had jumped in front of the attack.

_(He had to be protected, APPARENTLY.)_

Allen could remember staring at the blood that Kanda had shed, he could remember staring at it in numb horror as it seemingly hung frozen in the air as the sun glimmered of the drops in one unbearably long second, he'd practically been hypnotized. And then time sped up again and Kanda fell to the ground with a soft thump and it was like Allen's body moved on autopilot.

He'd grabbed the bloody Kanda, tears and mucus and vomit and blood that wasn't his dripping from his blank face. He'd thrown the Asian man over his shoulder and had run as fast as he could and hadn't looked back once as the screams of pain and fear echoed behind him. Kanda had lost a lot of blood.

_(Running away was the only thing he was good for)_

Allen remembered something sharp like a needle grazing his neck as he ran away and he could only assume that that was where the poison had come from. A few hours later he'd suddenly collapsed, his tongue feeling too big for his mouth and his limbs having no feeling at all as he sluggishly blinked his eyes, he'd passed out quickly. But thankfully it looked like the poison hadn't been too deadly or permanently disfiguring, Allen reflected as he flexed his prickly fingers. Allen frowned and flexed his fingers again in confusion. Something was wrong. Very wrong.

_(He couldn't believe he hadn't noticed it yet, what an idiot he was.)_

Allen slowly lifted his arms and brought his hands in front of his face to look at them, he stared dumbfounded at his hands. Hand.

He only had one hand.

Allen wondered if he should feel lucky that it wasn't his Innocence that was the one that was missing. Allen certainly didn't feel lucky.

_(That was irony for ya)_

Normally a person would panic and cry at the realization that they only had one hand but Allen Walker wasn't exactly normal either. Allen had after all lived a horrible life, abandoned by abusive parents who hated him during winter when he was seven, treated like a demon and chased by mobs as he traveled the land, having the only man who had ever cared for him ripped away from him, getting his hopes up for getting Mana back only to have him yell at him as Allen's body forced him to kill Mana, traveling the world with his cruel Master for years, having a monster arm, identity issues and the fourteenth, Red, the Noah, akuma, standing out because of his hair and scar and gloves, having to see what became of the innocent souls that were turned into akuma, poverty, hunger, lice, pain, prejudice, etc. The point was that Allen was used to bad karma that he really didn't deserve and pain and suffering. So he got over it pretty quickly, after crying a bit first of course, he was still entitled to some things.

_(Crybaby)_

And then Allen decided that enough was enough and he slowly and painfully sat up. He must have lost his hand some time during the skirmish and had been too frantic to notice. This thought triggered a chan. Frantic, afraid, scared for Kanda, Kanda who had lost a lot of blood protecting him, Kanda who was possibly dead now. Allen's head whipped around but his eyes quickly fell on the form of Kanda, who was unconscious several feet away from him. Allen smiled relieved and stood up so that he could wake the moron up.

_(He was so dense…)_

Allen walked over to Kanda's unnervingly still form without a worry in the world because he and Kanda had gotten away alive and he shook Kanda awake. Or at least he tried. Allen frowned, kneeling beside Kanda.

_(Why didn't he figure it out yet?)_

Kanda was covered in drying blood but Allen wasn't worried as he ignored the growing pain in his new ragged bloody stump as the poison disappeared. Kanda's hair was untied, his hair covering his no doubt peaceful sleeping expression, his heavy thick exorcist coat covering up his no doubt rising and falling chest. There was a diagonal slash going from his left shoulder to right hip but Allen wasn't worried, he'd seen Kanda survive worse.

_(It didn't occur to him that Kanda may have been poisoned as well, fucking idiot.)_

Allen shook Kanda again, careful with his stump. Kanda didn't move. Allen was only first then beginning to feel the first trickles of fear as he sat alone with Kanda in the middle of a forest.

_(Why couldn't he just leave it at that? Why couldn't he just leave before he confirmed it and let Kanda continue on like Schrodinger's cat?)_

He brushed aside the hair on Kanda's surely peaceful sleeping face. Kanda's eyes were wide open. They were wide open and glazed over and he wasn't blinking or looking at anything and he was even paler than usual and he saw traces of sadness and hopelessness and farewell in Kanda's eyes frozen forever in time and Allen just sat there for awhile looking at Kanda's eyes and noticing the familiar rotting smell that he could smell on Kanda. Allen noticed that the wound wasn't healed or still bleeding, he noticed that Kanda's chest wasn't rising and falling and that even if he screamed himself hoarse Kanda refused to budge.

He screamed and yelled for Kanda until he started coughing blood and then he screamed some more.

And Kanda didn't move.

_(He couldn't believe he still couldn't get it even with the truth right before him, staring him in the face.)_

"This can_not _be happening." He would whisper hoarsely to himself hours later when the sun was setting and the smell emanating from Kanda was thicker, when he looked paler, when his eyes looked more dried out.

But Allen didn't cry once. He screamed and yelled and cursed and panicked but he didn't shed a single tear.

Because Kanda couldn't be… he couldn't be…

_(__**Dead**__)_

He hadn't even told Kanda how he felt, hadn't informed Kanda to food that wasn't soba, hadn't argued with him enough, hadn't done so many things he'd wanted to do with him, there were so many things he hadn't told him.

It wasn't fair.

_(It was)_

What had he ever done to deserve this?

_(He killed Mana, he tried to resurrect him, he was harboring the Fourteenth yet didn't have the courage to kill himself, he had just abandoned an entire village to its fate and he hadn't even thought twice about them and there was so much more…)_

What had _Kanda_ ever done to deserve this?

_(Nothing, he'd just jumped in front of a hit that was meant for him, he'd just sacrificed himself for him without a second thought.)_

Allen stared at Kanda for a long time, at some point Allen had placed Kanda's head on his lap. It was such an intimate gesture and he wished that Kanda was alive to participate in it, instead of just this cold lifeless body that used to harbor his soul. Allen looked at Kanda and an overwhelming onslaught of emotion attacked him.

He kissed Kanda on the lips. It was soft and loving and sad and suddenly he could taste salt in his mouth and he knew he was finally crying because he had come to the decision he would have come to anyways no matter how long it took.

He would follow Kanda to the death.

_(Such 'Romeo and Juliet' thinking. How foolish. What made him think that Kanda would appreciate him killing himself to follow him; he was probably happy where he was with Alma, with his lover, Allen would just intrude. He'd just make Kanda mad for following him around like a lost puppy. No one would be happy but himself. How could he be so selfish? What about Lenalee or Lavi or Johnny or Jerry or all the others? Wouldn't they be sad? Why didn't he care? He didn't care because he could only think of Kanda, could only think of how beautiful his eyes looked when they flashed with determination, how beautiful his hair looked when it blurred through the air as Kanda humped and dodged and fought, how his beautiful voice sounded ringing in his ears. He could only think of himself. How selfish.)_

He had never imagined their first kiss going like this, he'd imagined it to be consensual, and he'd imagined it being performed by two quite alive not-grieving people who were in love. It was supposed to be magical and romantic and perfect. It wasn't supposed to be _this. _

_(It was strange how Allen could continue being an optimist no matter what happened. He should have expected that this would have happened, he falling in love with Kanda had been the man's death sentence.)_

Allen smiled a twisted, grieving, insane little smile as tears poured down his face and he activated his Innocence. The great big white monster arm turned against him at his command and then it blurred fast as it struck him. It went straight through his chest.

_(Irony…)_

As Allen's bloodied torn body sagged and fell on top of Kanda he smiled a different smile when he realized that his mouth had fallen on top of Kanda's forehead, giving the other man a little kiss on the forehead.

He smiled a soft loving smile as his lips pressed onto Kanda's forehead and Kanda's unique scent of lotuses and soba entered his mind and his vision blacked out at the edges.

Maybe this was sort of romantic after all…


	14. Puppet

**Puppet**

Kanda didn't really consider himself as a human.

He had been made for one purpose and one purpose only. He had been made to serve the Order. He had been made to destroy akuma and find Innocence and follow the demands of the Order. He was a mere pawn, a servant, someone unimportant. He was a puppet.

They'd tell him to pick up his sword and he'd pick up his sword. They'd tell him who to kill and he'd kill them. They'd tell him to follow them to the death and he'd follow them to the death.

He was, after all, only currently alive because the Order had willed it. They had started the Second Exorcist program and he had come back to life as a twisted creation made to serve only them. He had been raised in a test tube. He had killed his best friend who also happened to be the reincarnation of his lover. He looked nineteen yet was technically just nine years old. He had burst forth from a 'birthing pit' instead of being born in the traditional way. The body he wore and used was not his own. He constantly hallucinated about being surrounded by lotuses and he was literally cursed.

In other words Kanda didn't exactly view himself as a human being in the strictest sense, he preferred to call himself a puppet. If he was a puppet he might as well admit to it and say it out loud. He was a puppet.

And puppets weren't supposed to smile. Puppets weren't supposed to laugh. Or be happy or sad or loving. Or have friends. He could never have friends, which was why it was so damned annoying when that Baka Usagi came and declared himself his best friend. Puppets weren't supposed to have best friends after all, he'd learned that the hard way. Lavi was annoying, he was dense and moronic and would never stop smiling or affectionately call him Yuu-chan and Kanda had to admit (to himself and himself only) that the world needed more people like him. Because for all his flaws he was… nice. Which was a huge reason as for why Lavi couldn't be his friend, much less his _best _friend. Lavi couldn't die, he was a nuisance but he was far too kind for that, he didn't deserve that, just like Alma hadn't.

He didn't _really _hate Lavi but yet at the same time he did. He liked his morals and kindness and simply hated his insistence on being his best friend and being around him and calling him Yuu-chan as if they were close etc. The people Kanda liked were usually treated rudely by Kanda with few exceptions. He liked Lavi, therefore it was simple logic that he tried to decapitate him at least once a day, he _really_ liked Allen, therefore the only reasonable conclusion for him to reach was to treat him like shit. He liked Lenalee and Komui (to some small degree, and when he said small he meant _miniscule_) and Marie and Tiedoll Miranda and Krory and Jerry. He liked Jerry, so therefore he of course refused small talk with the man and never, ever made eye contact. He liked Lenalee so he showed her frosty quiet dislike that he knew upset her. He liked Komui so he glared and threatened. He liked Miranda, even though she was a pathetic stuttering woman he saw her kindness and innocence, so obviously the only option he had was to show her icy disdain. He even liked Krory even though they barely talked, again, Krory's childish innocence had easily won him over so he just avoided the man all together. He liked Marie too, but he was family so the most he could do was act like he merely tolerated him. He liked Tiedoll so very, very much so the only option was to yell and curse and show pure hate.

Kanda, puppet that he was, liked a surprisingly large amount of people. To be honest it was easy to gain his affection. Kanda hated that, he hated that he liked so many people so much so easily because he was puppet and puppets weren't supposed to like anybody, they were just supposed to blindly serve their master. But Kanda liked many people, they made him like them without even trying and for this he hated them as much as he liked them (he refused to use the other L word that was used to describe affection, even in his mind).

(Kanda did NOT want to use the other L word, if he used it then it was almost guaranteed that God, the heartless bastard that he was, would kill the person he'd admitted to seeing in such a positive light. He'd admitted to Loving Alma and looked at what happened. That simply couldn't happen again, not to them, not to the kind people that wouldn't leave him alone.)

And so Kanda the puppet would dedicate almost his entire day to conveying just how much he hated the people that he liked so that God wouldn't cruelly smite them for being friends with a puppet. He was always afraid that they would get hurt and die because of him, just like Alma. This also annoyed Kanda seeing as puppets weren't supposed to be afraid. Ever. This was actually kind of depressing (puppets weren't supposed to be depressed either) that he even failed at being a puppet, his species, he failed as a living organism. He failed as something that was just supposed to follow orders, which was supposed to be incredibly easy. He was a failure and a puppet and the people he liked were doomed to die.

But Kanda continued liking them and to his horror (puppets weren't supposed to feel horror) his affection for them only grew bigger and stronger each day. He felt his lips try to smile whenever Lavi did something that was just so incredibly 'Lavi'. He felt a strange urge to hug Tiedoll as if he really were his father occasionally. He felt like showing Lenalee small actions of kindness to make her feel better. He wanted to protect Krory and Miranda's innocence (not the one that could kill akuma, the one that children possessed). He wanted to thank Jerry for the food. He wanted to call Marie 'aniki'. He even wanted to not threaten Komui. And whenever he laid eyes on Moyashi he felt a weird warm fuzzy feeling in his chest that told him to get closer to the albino. He acted on none of these feelings and did his best to act like they didn't even exist.

Puppets weren't allowed the luxury of Love after all.


	15. The Flowers and the Bees

**The flowers and the bees**

It was a very pleasant day. The sky was a bright blue and the weather was warm and there was a cooling breeze in the air so that it didn't get too hot. Yes, it was truly a beautiful day with the chirping birds and a relaxed aura that hung over the castle, which was exactly why a _lot _of fucked up shit was going to happen to someone, preferably Allen Walker seeing as he was the universes punching bag.

Poor Allen was unaware of powers beyond his control mirthfully planning just how they were going to ruin his day as he brushed his hair and buttoned up his shirt. The poor lad just hummed a tune under his breath and set out to find the cafeteria.

He entered the cafeteria and ordered an absurd amount of food just as usual and Jerry happily buzzed about the kitchen so that he could prepare all of the food as quickly as possible. Allen picked up his overflowing tray of food and headed over to his usual table to eat. He didn't notice a certain swordsman sitting down next to him with a cup of soba as he downed three scones at once. Allen didn't know why Kanda always sat down next to him but he never got around to saying anything about it due to always being preoccupied with something else like for example being mad at Kanda or having a shouting match with Kanda or insulting Kanda or fighting with Kanda etc.

Kanda for his part quietly ate his soba and Allen, having still not noticed Kanda, shoved four pancakes down his throat. Eventually Lavi and Lenalee came as well, but unlike Kanda and Allen they had actual breakfast food instead of noodles or a mountain of food that would be impossible to consume in one sitting for a normal human being. Allen continued being distracted by his heavenly good, not much could distract him from food.

But eventually Kanda accidently(?) brushed against Allen as he ate and Allen took notice of him. "Watch it." Allen somehow managed to growl around an entire bran muffin that he had somehow managed to stuff into his mouth.

Kanda glared. Allen glared back. Lenalee continued eating. As did Lavi.

This continued without interruption for several minutes before Lavi finally decided to follow his nature and speak up. He swallowed his mouthful of scrambled eggs and grinned.

"Now, now guys. There's a time and place for everything, and unfortunately the cafeteria just isn't the place to gaze passionately into each other's eyes. Honestly, get a room." He said playfully.

Lenalee rolled her eyes as Allen's glare snapped over to Lavi. Allen scrunched up his nose, "That's disgusting Lavi."

They then all waited for Kanda's wrath to fall upon Lavi for daring to imply what he'd implied but for some reason nothing happened. Everyone at the table looked at Kanda with confusion and expectation. What they saw didn't quite make sense. Kanda who should for all intents and purposes be so mad that he was frothing or, Hell, even be blushing was not doing any of these things. Which was weird. Because you see Kanda was looking back and forth between Lavi and Allen with a confused scowl that plainly told anyone who looked that he had no idea of what the Hell was going on. Which was weird.

After several moments of everybody staring at everybody in confusion Kanda finally gave up and snarled, "_What?_"

"Why do you look so confused, Yuu-chan? Is there something you don't understand?" Lavi asked.

Kanda immediately unsheathed Mugen and sprung up from his seat in one fluid motion at the sound of his first name.

"Baka Usagi…" he growled menacingly and Lavi flinched.

Lenalee a little bit desperate for a breakfast were somebody wasn't beaten to a pulp for once immediately drew attention to herself."What is it you don't understand, Kanda? _I would be more than happy to help_." She said forcefully which quickly informed everyone present that it would be dangerous not to listen to her.

Kanda reluctantly sheathed his sword and sat back down. He viciously kicked Lavi underneath the table.

"What the Hell was Baka Usagi talking about?" Kanda asked rudely.

Lenalee, unruffled, gave him an inquisitive look and then another look of shock and dawning understanding. She understood a lot more than the boys at least who still had no idea of what the Hell was going on.

"D-do you mean the… 'get a room'… comment? Did you not understand that?" she asked with foreboding present in her voice.

Allen and Lavi gave her a of-course-he-knows-what-he's-talking-about-don't-be-dim look. But that look withered and died when Kanda nodded. Lenalee was the only one at the table who had the tact not to gape in open mouthed shock.

"… could you tell me where babies come from Kanda?" Lenalee asked with a sinking feeling in her stomach. Lavi and Allen stayed quiet as they looked on jaw-slacked bewilderment.

She couldn't be… she couldn't be saying that… that Kanda didn't know about the flowers and the bees? That was absurd! Kanda was, like, twenty years old or something! Of course he knew about the flowers and the bees. Right?

"A woman gets married and then gets very fat and then a stork comes and delivers the baby and the woman gets thin again." Kanda said in complete seriousness.

If it wasn't a fact that Kanda Yuu didn't have a sense of humor Lavi and Allen would have thought it was a joke.

"… … …" Lenalee said.

Allen and Lavi said this as well.

Kanda just waited for a response to his answer to the seemingly random question.

It was after several minutes of this that Allen and Lavi realized that no, this wasn't some sort of joke. Kanda had never had the 'sex talk' before. They knew what was going to happen know. Shit.

"NOT IT!" Lavi screamed at the top of his voice as his hand shot up into the air.

"NOT IT!" Lenalee followed suit.

"NOT I- GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!" Allen cursed.

Allen cursed like a sailor at the job he'd been unofficially appointed to. He was going to have to give Kanda, his rival, the sex talk. Kanda was very, very confused about what the Hell was going on.

"What the Hell?" Kanda said, deciding to vocalize his obvious bewilderment.

Lavi and Lenalee sprinted out of the cafeteria without finishing their food like the hounds of Hell were on their heels. Lenalee slammed the door of the cafeteria shut with a cry of, "IF YOU DON'T EXPLAIN IT TO KANDA I WILL MAKE YOU _SUFFER!_"

Allen could not quite believe the situation that he was in. He could _not believe the situation he was in. _He looked at Kanda's confused scowl. He whimpered. Allen spent several minutes trying to control his breathing and calm down while Kanda decided that everyone had gone insane during the night and had resumed eating his soba. Allen looked around the cafeteria. Everyone was looking at them. There was no way Allen would be able to give The Talk with so many people watching. No way. Allen stood up and took Kanda's wrist.

Kanda jumped a bit and glared up at him. He was so mad his cheeks were a little bit flushed. Yeah. Mad. Totally.

"What the Hell Moyashi?" Kanda felt like a broken record or something.

Allen sighed and glared back at Kanda, "It's Allen, BaKanda, or are you too stupid to get that through your thick head?"

Kanda opened his mouth to angrily respond when Allen shook his head and sighed in despair. "Forget it, let's just get out of here."

Allen promptly turned around to and started dragging Kanda after him. Kanda did not make a sound. Allen did not release Kanda's wrist. Kanda had the same shocked facial expression as the entire populace of the cafeteria currently had. He was confused. He was confused about why Lenalee and Lavi and Allen suddenly started screaming, he was confused about Allen holding his wrist and leading him away and he was confused about Allen avoiding a fight, didn't he like it when they fought?

The door closed behind them and Allen winced at the conspiring whispering that immediately begun when they left the room, who knew what kind of crazy rumors the Finders would be able to cook up? There was a tugging on his sleeve and Allen looked behind him to see Kanda with his left wrist still in Allen's hand and the other one tugging on his sleeve as he wore a confused scowl. Allen rather thought he looked like a child, an unusually tall angry child with a sword that wouldn't hesitate to murder you but still.

"Where are we going?" Kanda asked.

Allen thought that it was weird that he hadn't torn his wrist out of his hold yet. Allen considered the question, not quite sure himself.

"Somewhere more private, maybe my room." Allen said.

Kanda flushed angrily again. Yeah. Angrily.

"Why?"

"I need to talk to you. You're confused right? I'll explain stuff to you." Allen said.

Kanda was still flushed with anger. Yeah. Anger.

And so the Finders were treated to the strange, strange sight of Allen Walker holding a slightly flushed with anger(?) Yuu Kanda's wrist and leading him around the winding corridors of the castle like a child that beautiful sunny day.

"What stuff?" He asked.

Allen decided to answer his question with another question. "Kanda, do you know what sex is?"

Kanda's brow furrowed thoughtfully, which Allen dimly thought was kind of cute.

"It's something sold by brothels. Some kind of food served by women." Kanda answered.

Allen was overwhelmed by the sheer innocence in that answer.

"Um, well, it _is _sold in brothels, but it _isn't _a kind of food and it _isn't _only served by women." Allen said, blushing at the topic they were discussing.

Before Kanda could question what exactly sex was if it wasn't a food they thankfully reached Allen's room and Allen sighed in relief as he opened the door and led Kanda inside. It was only when he released the wrist that he realized that he hadn't let go of it once which was frankly overkill. Allen blushed and closed the door and sat down on his bed. Kanda stood awkwardly in the middle of his room for a moment before going to sit down next to him. Kanda was looking at him expectantly.

"Um, well, when a man and a woman, or sometimes when a man and man or when a woman and a woman, okay scratch that. When two people love each other very, very much they have sex together to show each other just how much they love each other." Allen rambled.

Kanda stared at him in silent curiosity which was really, really unusual for him. Allen despaired over having to do this. Kanda was an adult dammit, how the Hell did he _not _know this? He remembered Lavi mentioning that Kanda had joined when he was about ten years old and had joined Tiedoll's 'family' and he knew that Tiedoll was more than a little bit overprotective of his 'family' but surely he wouldn't have stopped and any and every body from telling Kanda where babies came from. Right? Apparently he would. Allen cursed overprotective parents in his mind and got back to the issue at hand.

"And sex is, well, an incredibly act of love that should only be performed in private." He stammered.

Suddenly Kanda's face turned bright red for no apparent reason as he remembered that they were, in fact, in a private room. Allen, oblivious, carried on.

"And it is usually had on a bed in a bedroom between, usually, only two people." Allen continued and if anything Kanda's face turned even _more _red. He closely resembled a tomato now.

"It requires that both parties that off all of their clothes. And it also requires a lot of touching. And kissing. And sweat." Allen haltingly explained.

He looked at Kanda, his face was bright red. Allen marveled at how utterly innocent Kanda actually was.

"K-k-kiss?" Kanda stuttered, it was the first time Allen had ever heard him stutter.

Allen nodded.

"On the l-lips?" Kanda asked, refusing to make eye contact.

"Yes. On the lips." Allen nodded, growing more and more amazed by Kanda's innocence by the second.

They stayed like that for several minutes in silence as Kanda tried to calm down.

"Sex can be had by two m-men as well?" Kanda asked, embarrassed.

Allen nodded. So did this mean that Kanda was gay? It was exactly then that the situation smacked Allen right in the face. They were alone, in his bedroom, a quite private setting, and they were sitting on a bed together, only the two of them there.

Shit.

Allen suddenly understood why Kanda was blushing, he probably thought he was coming on to him. He hastened to fix this misunderstanding.

"B-but of course sex can only be had by two people who love each other very, very much. And they can't just have sex right away. They would have to have known each other for a long time. As a couple!" Allen blurted out.

Kanda seemed to relax more at the 'as a couple' remark but he almost seemed disappointed as well. Strange.

Kanda, face flushed a faint pink, twisted around so that he could look at him as they sat on the bed to look him in the face.

"Is sex good?" Kanda asked him, the very picture of innocence.

Allen gaped at him.

"Y-y-yes. S-sex is very g-good." Allen stuttered out in shock as he dimly remembered his Masters shouts of euphoria from the next room as he banged hookers.

Kanda nodded seriously and asked, "Do you want to be a couple?"

Silence.

Deafening silence.

Shocked, deafening silence.

Kanda was starting to look sad, like a kicked puppy. Allen, too shocked to know what he was doing, nodded numbly. At Allen's nod Kanda's face seemed to brighten like the sun and he actually smiled, it was a small smile and it only lasted for a second but it was there. Allen was shocked out of his mind, he was a spectator on the sidelines watching a gaping albino and a smiling Asian man sit on his bed.

Kanda then got a very serious expression on his face and he closed Allen's jaw and leaned in and he pressed his lips to Allen's softly. Three second later he pulled back, his face flushed. He then nodded resolutely and stood up. He walked to the door and his hand settled on the doorknob.

He looked behind him at the frozen Allen.

"I'll see you later… Allen." he said.

He then opened the door and walked out, closing the door behind him.

Kanda had just kissed him.

Kanda. Had. Just. Kissed. Him.

_Kanda had just kissed him._

KANDA HAD JUST KISSED HIM!

AND HE HAD JUST AGREED TO BEING HIS BOYFRIEND!

This was not how Allen had planned his day. Not at all. Allen avoided having dinner or lunch or even going out of his room for the rest of that cruel sadistic day.

The next day when it was breakfast when Kanda sat beside Allen who was consuming food like nobody's business he pecked Allen on the cheek just like couples were supposed to in greeting. Nobody had noticed. Allen hadn't been able to stop blushing for hours. He also hadn't said a word.

The worst part was that Allen couldn't exactly tell him to stop kissing him because he _had _agreed to being his boyfriend after all. So Allen sucked it up and tried to force the blushes down whenever Kanda kissed him, sometimes on the cheek, sometimes on the forehead sometimes on the lips. Allen just thanked God that Kanda was too innocent to know what heavy petting was.

It was at the end of the day when Allen was walking back to hide in his bedroom to stew about why Kanda was suddenly calling him Allen and casually kissing him that he was confronted. By Kanda. He'd been innocently walking through the corridors, his eyes thoughtfully glued to the ground in front of his feet when suddenly he bumped into someone. He looked up to see Kanda.

"Watch it Allen." He said and Allen numbly wondered if he was going to kiss him now. Again. He didn't.

They stood in silence in the middle of the corridor all alone before finally Allen spoke up. He'd meant to say something else, he wasn't sure _what _exactly he had meant to say, maybe 'I think we should see other people' or 'It's not you it's me' but he hadnæt said anything of the sort. He'd said, "Why do you like me?"

Allen supposed it was a valid question but he was still a bit startled by his out-of-nowhere inquiry.

After a moment he dared look at Kanda's face and saw an exasperated scowl. Kanda's facial expressions mostly consisted of scowls, there was the confused scowl, and the amused scowl, fond scowl, hateful scowl, annoyed scowl, tired scowl, determined scowl etc.

"I don't like you." Kanda simply said.

Allen had mixed feelings about this statement. He felt slighted, tricked, played with, confused, betrayed, disappointed and more. He had thought the first emotion to register would be either anger or relief but he didn't have either of those feelings. This was weird. Did he like Kanda? Certainly he thought the other man was quite pretty and he loved his hair and how he smelled like flowers despite clearly not wearing perfume and he loved his strength and determination and when had the word loved slipped in?

"I love you."

Allen now felt like the world had suddenly disappeared beneath his feet. He had never in a million years ever thought that he would hear those three cheesy words slip through Kanda's lips. Of course when people said those three words they would say it with loving fondness but Kanda said it in such a matter of fact voice Allen couldn't possibly not believe him. And he wasn't repulsed by the idea, not at all. There was a fluttery feeling in the pit of his stomach and he suddenly felt very, very warm.

"And I love you because you're you. Duh."

He then strode towards him and tilted his chin up and looked him in the eyes. He then kissed him on the lips again and this time Allen didn't just freeze but he melted into it, his hands rested on Kanda's shoulders as Kanda's hands went to his hips. He could feel Kanda smiling into the kiss and Allen's heartbeat picked up. They didn't use tongue though, most likely though because Kanda probably couldn't even begin to fathom the meaning of using tongue. He was just so incredibly innocent.

Kanda then drew back, nodded at him and walked away without looking back.

So. Allen was apparently gay. Gay for Kanda to be more specific. Huh.

Allen was strangely at peace with this revelation. And this happy peacefulness and comfortable innocent relationship continued for two weeks before Lavi went and ruined that.

"So you and Yuu-chan, huh?" Lavi asked with obvious amusement.

The Order had found out pretty quickly, they hadn't exactly gone out of their way to hide it anyways.

"Yeah," Allen said eating another slice of pie.

"I never took you for one _those_." Lavi said.

"Well I never took Kanda for one of _those_ either, I guess we just have horrible gaydars." Allen said in reply around croissant.

Lavi's grin turned far more sadistic and gleeful than it already was and Allen felt a sudden horrible sense of _something_ that told him that his day was about to ruined.

"Oh no Allen, I wasn't talking about _that. _I was talking about how I never took you for a pedophile." Lavi said, his one green eye fastened onto Allen to hungrily take in his reaction. He was not disappointed.

Allen immediately chocked on his toast and after having collected himself he quite calmly asked, "_WHAT!_"

"Oh, you didn't know. Well I can't blame you. I didn't know either until yesterday. I mean, weren't you curious in the slightest as to exactly why Yuu-chan doesn't know what sex is? Well know I know why." Lavi said.

Allen stared at him, quietly asking him to go on.

"He's nine."

Allen continued staring at him.

"He's literally nine years old. He was born nine years ago. You see, he was raised in a tube, a sort of Order science thing, trying to make their own exorcists. The project was declared a failure but Kanda was born and he's _nine. _You're dating a nine year old. You're a pedophile. Congratulations. I hope you're happy, I sure am." Lavi said.

Allen fainted.

He didn't stop dating Kanda though. And eventually he got over the fact that Kanda was technically not even a teenager. And he eventually introduced Kanda to sex. He really liked it. They had a lot of it.

And it was good.

* * *

This is a plot bunny that has been festering in the depths of my mind for a _long _time and I'm glad that I've finally decided to use it. I considered making it a Oneshot of its own but then just decided to put it up here with the rest of the drabbles. I hope you liked it and if you did please review it!


	16. Blue

**Blue**

Lavi looked out of a window to see something he didn't like. No he didn't like this at all. Lavi Bookman was a sunshine and bright blue sky kind of guy, he was not a rain-pounding-heavily-upon-the-ground and gloomy-grey-sky kind of guy. But unfortunately it was just that kind of day, the howling wind and the weeping sky were relentless and didn't look like they would be stopping anytime soon. Lavi guessed he should just be happy that he didn't have a mission in the bad weather.

But Lavi wasn't one to be deterred either. Just because it was freezingly cold outside didn't mean that his grin showed any less warmth, it didn't mean that the mischievous twinkle in his eye dimmed a bit, didn't mean that he wasn't obsessively recording everything that was going on just like he was supposed to.

So Lavi went through his morning rituals just as usual. He woke up, showered, brushed his teeth, dressed himself, read a book about ancient Mongolian marriage etiquette and walked to the cafeteria where generally everything happened. Lavi entered the cafeteria with his usual grin on his face and Jerry happily began making him some scrambled eggs and bacon. He carried his tray over to his usual table and sat down on the opposite of Allen who was attempting, and succeeding, to shove an entire loaf of bread down his throat. Kanda was stoically eating his soba next to the albino and Lenalee wasn't there yet.

"Morning Allen, Yuu-chan!"

"Good morning Lavi." Allen said, most likely, his words were quite successfully muffled by food but Lavi could guess what he said.

"Baka Usagi…" Kanda snarled, he unsheathed Mugen.

Lavi gulped and put up his hands in a placating gesture but then immediately put them back just in the nick of time before they were chopped off by Kanda's sword. Lavi squealed. Kanda swung Mugen at him again. Allen continued eating. Yes, despite the bad weather it was just another normal day for the exorcists. Ten minutes later Kanda wiped the blood of Mugen and sat back down to continue eating his soba. Allen was still eating and Lavi was lying in a twitching painful heap on the ground. As usual he quickly recovered.

Lavi was humming under his breath as he ate his now cold breakfast and it was about then that Lenalee sat down at the table with them, holding a tray of brioche and coffee.

"Good morning boys." She chirped.

Lavi and Allen greeted her back and Kanda sort of grunted in response.

"Kanda, just because you're a rude idiot by nature doesn't mean that you should just respond to everything by grunting like the pig you are." Allen said with a polite smile.

"What was that Moyashi?" Kanda asked quietly with a deathly glare.

"You heard me BaKanda. And again, just because you're a rude bastard doesn't mean that you're not obligated to learn other people's names. My names Allen, not Moyashi. Get that through your thick skull, why don't you?" Allen asked, still with that polite smile on his face.

"A bean sprout should be called a bean sprout… _Moyashi_." Kanda replied while fingering the hilt of Mugen longingly.

"Look, guys, I know that you two can't agree on anything at all but can't we just-" Lenalee began but was interrupted by Allen.

"That's right. We can't agree on anything. I bet that if I said that the sky was blue BaKanda would disagree with me." Allen said.

"Well that's because the sky _isn't _blue. Duh." Kanda said.

Stunned silence hung over the table.

"W-what?" Allen stuttered with wide eyes.

"You heard me, the sky isn't blue. Anyone who isn't blind could see that." Kanda said challengingly.

"A-are we seriously going to do this. Are we _seriously _going to argue over what color the sky is?" Allen asked with disbelief evident in his voice.

Lavi and Lenalee were also shocked.

"Well if you're going to keep on insisting that the sky is blue even when it so obviously isn't I guess we don't really have any choice." Kanda said, still glaring.

Indignation flared up in Allen.

"Oh the sky is _so _blue! Right Lenalee? The sky's blue, you agree with me right?" Allen asked, turning to Lenalee.

"I-I'm not mixed into _this _argument." Lenalee said, still a little bit startled by the fact that yes, her friends really were fighting about the color of the sky.

"And do you know exactly why she doesn't want to be mixed into this argument, Moyashi? Because I'm right."

Lavi watched on in eager silence, taking in every single word that was spoken.

"WHAT! I can't believe anybody could be so- so _stupid_! Of course the sky's blue! What color do you _think _it is?`" Allen asked, standing up.

"Currently? Grey." Kanda said, standing up as well.

"That's the clouds you moron!"

"The sky is what we can see over our heads. If what we see over our heads is grey than the sky is grey."

"By that logic the sky ought to be sooty black because the roof above our heads are sooty black!"

"Roofs don't count. It's what we see above our heads when we are out in the open that counts."

"WHAT!"

"And anyways the sky's a lot of different colors. Sometimes it's purple and orange or black or dark blue or white or-"

"Shut up, BaKanda! The. Sky. Is. Blue."

"Nuh uh."

"Yeah uh!"

"Nuh uh."

"Yeah uh!"

"Nuh uh."

"The sky's blue!"

"No it isn't. And anyways behind the clouds it's _Caroline _colored."

"_CAROLINE IS A SHADE OF BLUE_!"

Lenalee had by now stopped paying attention to the, frankly, ridiculous argument and was now eating her breakfast. Lavi was also eating his breakfast again but was paying rapt attention at the same time. Only Kanda and Allen could argue about what color the sky was. Only Kanda and Allen.

Yes, Lavi decided, it was, despite the horrid weather, another ordinary day at the castle.

* * *

Kanda and Allen always struck me as people who would fight about the color of the sky. And I'm pretty excited about this chapter since it's EXACTLY 1000 WORDS LONG!


	17. Overprotective

**Overprotective**

What he was doing wasn't awful, it wasn't evil or manipulative or psychotic. It just _seemed _like that to an outsider. A big brother had to protect his little sister no matter what after all! He was doing this for _her_; he wasn't doing it for the chance to act like a puppet master. Really.

It was that damned womanizer's fault anyways! That damned Allen Walker smiling at his precious Lenalee while he handed her the documents she'd accidently dropped. He'd seen his hand brush against hers when he passed her the paperwork! It didn't matter if he was wearing gloves; it was as good as sexual harassment in his books. How dare that deflowering, lying, twofaced, little bastard touch his precious Lenalee so sinfully! He had to go.

But Lenalee had expressively forbidden him from killing all males that showed any interest in her whatsoever, at least as long as they didn't try something that involved nudity without her permission. And unfortunately for Komui and his scalpel hand brushing did not involve nudity of any kind. So killing the bastard was out. But then the next best thing popped into his head, he remembered something he'd seen a week ago.

Allen had bumped into Kanda while turning a corner while having a conversation with Komui. He'd smacked right into the Asian mans chest and Kanda had, of all things, squeaked, his face going bright red and his face showing an expression of shock and embarrassment. But then Kanda's facial expression had changed to an angry scowl so quickly that Allen didn't even have the time to see it as he raised his head from Kanda's chest and Komui had wondered if he'd truly seen what he'd thought he'd seen after all.

And Komui also remembered that while Allen was a filthy womanizing bastard that was obviously pining for his precious Lenalee Allen Walker also didn't seem like the type to be unfaithful to a lover.

Komui smirked evilly, he had an idea.

It was perfect. He'd get rid of that womanizer that was out for Lenalee and he'd get another potential suitor out of the way at the same time, two birds with one stone. All he had to do was to get them together. If Allen Walker and Yuu Kanda were seeing each other they wouldn't give Lenalee a second look as they'd be far too busy trying to suck each other's faces off.

His plan to get them together was intricate and ingenious and absolutely conniving.

Which of course meant that it was childish, overly complicated and just plain stupid but that didn't mean that Komui wasn't going to try it out, the crazy bastard.

That morning when the two Exorcists more or less peacefully had their breakfast Komui sidled up to their table unnoticed with an eerie smile on his face. Allen and Kanda were alone at the table as they traded blows, far too involved with each other to notice him. Komui paused for just a second to consider the moral implications of what he was about to do. Some people would call it manipulative and evil but really, all Komui was doing was bringing two people together. Kanda liked him after all! Maybe. And he was sure the two of them would be a great couple, just look at the way they stared deep into each other's eyes (while trying to rip each other's limbs off) as they called each other loving pet names (What was that _pea brain_? I sad that you're a _spineless maggot_! I thought so you _mangy mutt_). Yup, they'd be _perfect _for each other.

Komui flashed a maniacal smile and extracted from one of his pockets a small vial with a clear liquid inside. He twisted off the cap and poured the contents into Kanda's half eaten soba and then retrieved another vial from his pocket, this one bright pink, and splashed it all over Allen's food. He checked to see if they'd noticed him yet, they were still wrestling on the floor. He flashed his trademark smile again and pointedly coughed to bring their attention to him. They glanced at him.

"Hello Allen, Kanda. I need you two to get me some specific documents from storage room seven H after you're done eating." He said pleasantly.

"Che, why don't you go and get it yourself." Kanda said rudely.

"Shut up BaKanda. You're just too lazy to get off your arse to do anything," Allen said, glaring at the other man.

A brief scuffle broke out between the two but eventually they came to the conclusion that they were going to see who could eat their food and get to the storage room first. It took every iota of his being not to laugh maniacally when he saw Kanda consume the soba with the truth serum that would make him confess whatever went through his mind and when Allen ate the food that was sprinkled with aphrodisiac he had made himself. What he was doing wasn't too bad, Kanda would just be telling the truth, getting some stuff off of his chest, while Allen was in the vicinity, with _only _Allen in the vicinity really. And Allen needed a little bit sex drive anyways, it wasn't as if he would be compelled to hump the closest thing with two legs, well actually he would but Komui knew that the albino had plenty of self control, if he really wanted to he could stop himself, he just needed some motivation was all! The choice was still up to him.

All Komui was really doing was locking up Kanda who had a crush on Allen and a truth serum running through his veins together with Allen who would be incredibly horny at the time.

So he wasn't _really _manipulating them, he was just… subtly pushing them in the right direction.

Allen and Kanda immediately bolted towards the storage room, determined to get there before the other and Komui, snickering, followed them and locked them in when they were both inside. He slept like a baby that night, he was pretty sure that Kanda and Allen weren't sleeping at all that night. The next morning he unlocked the door and quietly opened it a crack to peek inside. He saw two naked, sleeping, 'dirty' Exorcists who looked quite content and lovey dovey as they spooned on the storage room floor.

Komui grinned. He wasn't being evil; he was just protecting his precious Lenalee while making people happy at the same time.

At the rate he was going his precious Lenalee would remain a beautiful pure virgin _forever!_

* * *

Of course the first person that would pop into my head when I saw the word overprotective would be Komui :)


	18. Vibe

**Vibe**

It didn't matter if they weren't screwing, it didn't matter if they didn't really view each other in a romantic light, it didn't matter if either of them weren't gay. They just gave off that vibe.

Kanda and Allen constantly gave off the vibe that they were made for each other. They would bicker and argue like an old married couple and people passing them by in the streets would look at each other knowingly while snickering a bit about the cute fighting couple. They would stand next to each other quietly, ignoring each other after yet another fist fight, and all people would see was a couple that had obviously been together for a long time, through thick and thin, and all they saw was a couple that knew everything about each other that were sharing a comfortable silence.

It didn't matter what they did, everyone had the same first impression (and second and third and fourth and so on) about them, they mistook them for a couple.

And they weren't aware of this. They were completely ignorant to all things sexual or romantic, and the only way they'd be able to start viewing each other in a more intimate way would be if someone were to bring it up to them and no one was brave enough to do that, unless of course it happened by accident.

Kanda and Allen were walking side by side, not looking at each other or holding hands or entering each other's personal space, yet they still unknowingly, unconsciously, gave off that "we're soul mates" vibe. They were flat mates even though they couldn't coexist and they were heading to the store to buy the groceries. Kanda was out of soba and he knew he couldn't count on Allen to buy some for him and Allen always needed more food, hence them walking together to the store. They weren't _really _walking together, it was just that the moment Allen declared that he'd be going to buy some food Kanda realized that he didn't have any soba left so they left the house at the same time and they were both heading towards the closest store. The fact that they were walking next to each other was pure coincidence.

Many people looked at them, glanced at them, stared at them, glared at them, and they didn't notice. It was like some kind of superpower, the power to somehow unconsciously block any clues presented to you that would somehow clue you in to the fact that everyone thought you and your flat mate were screwing once every day and twice on Fridays. Some people shook their heads in disapproval at the blatant, yet not really, show of homosexuality, some people smiled nostalgically as they reminisced about the beginnings of their relationships when their partnership was still fresh and sincere, other people jabbed at each other in the ribs with their elbows as they tilted their heads in the flat mates direction with a "if you know what I mean" expression on their face as they childishly snickered behind their hands, happily married couples smiled fondly at the obvious budding romance between the two men.

Kanda and Allen just continued walking in their "peaceful, loving silence" completely oblivious to the looks they were attracting, just like the way they did every time they appeared in public in the general vicinity of each other. They did not look at each other and they walked in synchronization with at least a meter in between them.

It was a nice day with wonderful weather and there were a lot of people about. Birds chirped, children laughed, couples crooned at each other and Kanda and Allen continued walking in "peaceful, loving silence" without exchanging a single word or even acknowledging the others existence.

Everything was still normal.

Eventually they reached the store. It was a moderately sized clean place with reasonable prices, the both of them always bought their grocers there. The automatic doors slid apart to invite them in, the air conditioning a welcome relief. They stepped inside, still not talking to each other, still not touching each other, still not looking at each other, still not acknowledging each other. Everyone who looked at them thought the same thing: "I wish I had someone I loved that much…

They thought this because when they stopped to breath in the refreshingly cool in the store they did so in unison without even looking at each other, without even seemingly noticing what they were doing. They thought this because when Kanda and Allen walked into the store their steps were perfectly synchronized. They thought this because they just _gave of that vibe._

Kanda immediately headed for the aisle that had the soba, Allen walked right beside him because the packaged Mitarashi Dango was in the same aisle. They entered the aisle, still somehow mentally blocking the others existence out of their minds. The aisle was cramped and narrow, as all aisles were, so Kanda and Allen subconsciously walked closer to each other. Closer. They were nearly touching now, Kanda had nearly reached the soba, Allen the Mitarashi Dango. And then their hands grazed the others, the way couples that were comfortable with each other did sometimes in public, a small subtle touch, barely noticed. Kanda and Allen's head snapped towards each other like mirror reflections at the touch and for a moment all they did was stare at each other.

They hadn't noticed each other until then and they could hardly believe it. The touch had made a bolt of lightning run up their fingers into their hands and then up into their arms and then their shoulders until finally the bolts of lightning reached their hearts where the electricity remained as it hummed and buzzed comfortably, like a vibration, making their hearts skip a beat. After a moment of staring into each other's eyes in shock they narrowed them at exactly the same moment as the other and they both opened up their mouths to yell at the other. But then they froze, a giggly, behind them someone was giggling.

They turned to look behind them at the giggler, in synchronization. They saw a woman holding a boys hand. The woman was of average height, had shoulder length brown hair fixed into a high ponytail, was wearing a high collared shirt, a tie, a long black skirt, and high heels. The boy had blue mullet-like hair and brown eyes and was wearing a baggy orange T-shirt. The woman was looking at them with a small knowing, mischievous grin and her cheeks had a small blush. The boy was looking sullen and bored.

"_What?_" Kanda snarled rudely.

"Nothing," the woman replied innocently, or at least tried to, she wasn't pulling of the innocent tone all that well. She sounded like she was trying to restrain another giggle. She looked like it too.

The boy continued looking bored.

"Don't be rude, BaKanda!" Allen snapped, he was a very stubborn person so he refused to accept the fact that turning Kanda into a polite, considerate, tactful and thoughtful person was a lost cause.

Kanda whipped around to snap back at the albino but the woman let out another giggle. That sound was really pissing him off. He whipped back around to the woman.

"_What's so funny?" _he snarled at her.

Allen growled at Kanda as his hands balled up into fists. The boy still looked bored.

"Oh well, it's nothing. You two just looked so cute, staring into each other's eyes like that while holding hands in the middle of the store. Makes me wish I wasn't single. C'mon now Timothy, don't sulk just because you don't get to have chocolate. If you eat chocolate all the time then you'll get diabetes." The woman replied honestly.

She tugged at the boy's hand who was apparently called Timothy.

"But Emilia! I can have chocolate, I mean it's completely reasonable since-" Timothy started whining as the woman named Emilia led him away from the two frozen men.

Kanda and Allen were extremely dense about the vibe they gave off, but even they understood the misunderstanding Emilia had made.

Them. A couple. The idea was frighteningly ridiculous, at least for the two of them. The two were frozen in place as Emilia's words rung in their heads like a bell. They were in a sort of state of shock.

They were complete opposites after all (but opposites attract). They always fought (lovebirds fight the most). They were just flat mates (which was a good thing if they wanted to get together, no unnecessary moving to each others apartments). They didn't see each other that way (though they were having problems looking in each other's direction now after what the Emilia woman had implied). They weren't gay.

They weren't gay.

There. A sound argument. Allen liked girls, Kanda was asexual as far as he was concerned. They were safe. Secure in the knowledge of them being not gay they decided to risk it and look at each other. In synchronization.

This was what Kanda saw: unique snow white hair that was a little bit ruffled at the moment, wide silver eyes penetrating his very soul, soft creamy skin, a tantalizing pentacle, stubborn and friendly and religious and kind, a short yet strong frame, a slight pink blush dusted across a face that still had a bit of baby fat, kissable lips.

This was what Allen saw: long, flowing, silky, inky black hair with a bluish tint to it tied into a firm high ponytail with bangs that nicely framed a pretty face, bright red cheek bones and dark almond shaped eyes, a red tint on the ears, tall and strong and brave and loyal, lips parted hypnotically in surprise.

They immediately looked away from each other. Because Kanda wasn't gay (he was an Allenphile) and because Allen wasn't gay either (he was a Kandaphile).

It only took them a month to get together after that and somehow that vibe that they radiated seemed to have only tripled in strength. And when they walked down the streets together people would point and smile or frown in disapproval at the couple walking by, holding hands and chatting with each other easily with a peaceful aura hanging over them that wasn't imagined at all.

Somehow they still managed to not notice the looks they attracted even after they got together.


	19. Boots

**Boots**

The almost inaudible creak of warm leather she made every time she took a step that joined the soft click of the high heels soothed Lenalee. It made her feel safe to know that she had her Innocence with her, it made her feel secure and confident to know that she had the ability to fight for herself.

When she slept she dreamed of her Innocence singing to her, well not really. It wasn't actually singing, it was closer to humming but it wasn't _actually _humming either. It was more like a resonance in her soul as the boots vibrated and hummed and sung and whispered into her very soul.

And it was a beautiful, mesmerizing tune that calmed her down like nothing else. It was like the feeling she got when she stared at the ceiling of her prison, still tied up in her bed with tear tracks and misery covering her face, and then she looked to her left and she saw her big brother, the brother she hadn't seen for years, sitting beside her bed with a sad, shaky, forced smile on his lips. It was like the feeling she'd gotten in that wonderful moment intensified except that the boots didn't add the other feelings that had been mixed in at the realization that yes, her brother really was sitting beside her. For one there was no disbelief or shock, there was no screaming guilt gnawing inside of her skull telling her that _she _was the one that had put that sad smile on his lips and _she _was the one who had pulled her poor, innocent brother into this. He worked for the Order now, there was no way out now, once you got your way in with the Order you wouldn't be able to find your way out. She'd made her brother a slave to the Order; they could do whatever they wanted with him.

The boots took away that screaming guilt and only left the desperate hope that pleaded _oh dear God please don't let this be another hallucination, _but somehow better, calmer. Yes, she just felt an incredible happy calm that was impossibly hard to describe.

They calmed her, they comforted her, they protected her, they gave her the chance to stand up and fight.

She loved her boots. And she knew from the happily calm _loving _resonance her boots projected to her soul that the feelings were more than mutual.

* * *

I know that this is some of the shortest crap I have written in ages but I'm not that good at writing Lenalee and these _are _only drabbles after all, I just hope you guys aren't expecting any tear-jerkingly ingenious stuff from over here or anything because if you are then you'll be disappointed to say the least.


	20. Universe

**Universe**

Kanda suspected that the universe hated him, it would certainly explain a lot, including the fact that that bastard Komui kept pairing him and Moyashi up for missions. Kanda started systematically cursing Komui, Allen and the universe in his mind until he was jolted out of his hate-reverie when he heard the door to the compartment on the train he and Allen had chosen open and close. He looked up, his hand flying to rest on the hilt of Mugen with all the suspiciousness of any paranoid Exorcist with common sense, it was Allen who was holding two mugs of hot chocolate in his gloved hands.

Allen walked into the compartment and sat down next to him, the seats opposite of them was filled with their luggage. Normally them being Exorcists they would have packed light but Komui had wanted them to deliver some wares to an old friend at the village they were stopping by to look for Innocence and kill akuma in, and unfortunately they'd picked such a cheap-ass train that it didn't even have places to store your luggage in the compartments.

Allen smiled his annoying fake little smile that was supposed to be polite and he held out one of the mugs of hot chocolate to him. Kanda glanced at the mug disdainfully without taking it before redirecting his glare to Allen's face, he was pleased to see that the albino's left eye twitched.

"I brought you some hot chocolate." Allen said like that wasn't already obvious.

Kanda grunted and turned away. Kanda almost perked up at the sound of Allen's annoyed growl, but he restrained himself because Kanda Yuu did not _perk up. _

And then Allen firmly shoved the mug at him, spilling a bit of the hot liquid on his uniform. Kanda snarled.

"What the Hell, Moyashi."

"Shut up, I brought you hot chocolate out of the goodness of my heart and now you _will_ bloody drink it.

Kanda narrowed his eyes at Allen but grudgingly accepted the mug before Allen decided to dump it all over him out of anger, Kanda wouldn't put it past him. Allen smiled victoriously and turned away from Kanda and started sipping at his own hot chocolate. Kanda refused to drink his own beverage; he instead just sat stiffly as he glared down at the cup he was holding silently. Kanda pondered about what could have possibly possessed Allen to get him some hot chocolate as well, he didn't even like hot chocolate, he didn't like _anything _even remotely sweet. Maybe he just did it to annoy him.

The landscape blurred past them outside the window of their compartment as Allen continued drinking his hot chocolate and Kanda continued wondering what kind of train couldn't afford place for luggage but _could_ afford to have hot chocolate. The ride was supposed to last for an entire seven hours.

Kanda glanced out of the corner of his eye at Allen out of boredom; Allen was done with his hot chocolate and was now staring at him creepily without blinking. Kanda jumped in his seat at the unexpected sight, Allen jumped as well at being caught.

"What is it?" Kanda snapped feeling oddly defensive.

"N-nothing! I was just looking!" Allen hurried to defend himself as he put up his hands in a placating gesture; his hands successfully hid his blush.

Kanda shot him a poisonous glare and resumed glaring at the wall opposite of him, his shoulders tense and his hands holding the mug containing the no-longer-hot chocolate in a tight grip. Why the hell was Moyashi staring at him? Kanda felt a surprising rush of self-consciousness; did he have something on his face? Was there something wrong with his hair? Kanda narrowed his eyes at the wall hatefully as he tried to push these thoughts out of his head.

There was now a tense, uncomfortable silence hanging over the compartment and Allen was obviously having a hard time not squirming.

He muttered something that Kanda couldn't quite hear.

"What was that?" Kanda asked in a low only-kind-of threatening growl.

"…sorry…" Allen mumbled.

More silence.

And then…

"It's… it's okay." Kanda muttered only a little bit resentful at the fact that he was accepting an apology from Moyashi.

And now the silence wasn't uncomfortable anymore. Kanda resorted to gazing out of the window at the landscape flying past them and he wasn't sure how long he'd been staring out of the window, probably hours, but suddenly he felt a slight weight on his shoulder. Kanda's entire body seized up as his hand flew to his hilt and he jerked his head around so fast he almost got whiplash as he scanned the compartment for enemies. He looked at his shoulder. Allen was sleeping, leaning on his shoulder. He numbly let go of his sword as he stared.

At some point Allen had quietly fallen asleep and he'd gradually slid downwards until his head softly collided with Kanda's shoulder. He had a peaceful look on his face as he rested his head on Kanda's shoulder. Suddenly he softly smiled in his sleep and he nuzzled into Kanda's shoulder.

Kanda choked on his own saliva as his eyes bugged out at the sight.

Allen was sleeping on him; Allen was nuzzling into his shoulder while smiling dreamily. Kanda numbly wondered if he was trapped in some sort of alternate dimension.

Allen was so close to Kanda that Kanda could smell Allen's scent, honey and snow. Allen was so close that Kanda could count each of his individual bright white eyelashes. He was so close that Kanda could clearly hear each one of his relaxed breaths, inhale… exhale… inhale… exhale…

His face felt oddly warm, he wondered why he could hear his blood rushing through his veins as his heart thumped wildly in his chest, in addition he swore he could feel nervous butterflies in his stomach, he wondered if he was coming down with something.

"Kanda…" Allen sighed happily in his sleep.

Oh, and now there was a funny feeling in his groin. Lovely.

Kanda began cursing at the universe in his mind again.

* * *

Is it just me or is this drabble adorable? I'm pretty happy with this one, that's for sure.


	21. Name

**Name**

The first time he'd seen him he'd been in gym. He'd been goalie, protecting the net as everyone else kicked the ball and yelled and passed and had fun. And then _he _had walked right past him towards the benches. Allen's class had been occupying the gym for almost an hour so it made sense that another was filing in. In this class that was filling in and walking past him in their search for the benches to sit on until his class was done Allen saw _him._ The love of his life.

He'd been avidly watching the ball but then suddenly it was blocked from his view as someone walked past him. When he saw who it was he gasped. He didn't recognize the person but he was the single most beautiful person he had ever seen. He knew that sounded cheesy but it was true.

The man had been tall and Asian, wearing a black T-shirt and a pair of sweatpants and broken in Nikes. The first thing he noticed, oddly enough, was his skin. His skin had been _literally _flawless, not a blemish in sight. He wasn't exaggerating or anything; there was literally not a single mole, zit, scar or anything else in sight on the skin that was shone. And it was the most wonderful cream color he had ever seen, it was almost ethereal. The second thing he noticed was the hair. He had unusually long hair for a man, longer than most of the girls in his class. And it was blue, well not _really_ blue bit kind of blue, it was black but it had a blueish shine to it. A _beautiful _blueish shine to it, the hair looked as soft and silk, he wanted to touch it on sight. And the man was obviously in good shape, healthy muscles and all. He'd only gotten a glimpse of his face but what he saw he liked, high cheek bones, dark almond eyes, Allen was starting to feel hot and bothered just thinking about it. And he had a great ass. The greatest ass.

The only thing that irked him was the ponytail. The man had his beautiful, silky, long, blueish hair in a bloody ponytail. Allen had a feeling that he would look even _better _without the infernal ribbon that was restricting that heavenly mane.

Allen had always believed in love at first sight. He didn't believe that it applied to everyone but he believed it existed. And he had just found his true love. And it was a man. Allen couldn't bring himself to bother.

When he'd seen the love of his life, the angel, the most beautiful creature on earth, his _soul mate _Allen had gasped as his silver eyes tracked him walking over to the benches. The opposing team had then seen fit to kick a ball in his goal while he was otherwise occupied. Still didn't care.

His friend Lenalee who was on the same team as him jogged up to him.

"Hey Allen, get your head out of the clouds. What are you staring at?" Lenalee said.

"Who," Allen said, "is that."

He pointed at his soul mate. Lenalee squinted at him, apparently not falling head over heels for the man on sight as Allen had done, he couldn't understand how she did it.

"Him?" Lenalee asked, pointing at his soul mate.

Allen nodded in confirmation.

"That's the new kid in class 2."

"What's his name?"

"Kanda,"

And then she walked off with a shouted instruction about how he had to pay attention to the damn ball. Allen didn't hear her.

Kanda. Ka-nda. A. Kanda. A beautiful name for a beautiful person Allen supposed. How exotic, how unique, how _amazing. _Allen mouthed the name over and over again. He quietly whispered it to himself. He wrote the name on the roof of his mouth using his tongue. Kanda.

He was in love.

With Kanda.

Allen couldn't be happier. He lost that game, not able to save a single goal as the balls whizzed past him. He couldn't stop stealing glances at Kanda. When gym was over Lenalee really ripped into him about it but Allen still didn't care. He just wrote the name Kanda on the roof of his mouth using his tongue over and over again, making sure to memorize the name, trying to burn the face of his soul mate into his brain as he did so.

But when he left the gym he saw some cocky redhead with an eye patch sling his arm over Kanda's shoulders. Allen narrowed his eyes feeling the first flames of jealousy. Was that redhead _flirting_ with his soul mate, well he'd have to go through Allen first. Right before Allen was about to turn around and march up to the benches and beat up the bastard who was flirting –nay, _harassing_- his Kanda his soul mate scowled and threw the redhead molester off of him and started punching him. Allen stopped and smiled as relief and pride overwhelmed him. His Kanda could take care of himself, and he wasn't some cheap floozy either.

Allen paused and made sure to memorize the scene of Kanda beautifully (everything he did was beautiful) punching the redhead before he sighed dreamily and walked out of the gym.

He was so happy. He was in love with the perfect man. When Allen got to know Kanda better he of course didn't call him perfect at all and instead called him an insufferable idiot both out loud and in his mind but right then and there before he confronted Kanda's considerable flaws he just traced Kanda's name on the roof of his mouth with his tongue. He wouldn't give up on him of course, they were soul mates.

"Kanda…" Allen sighed dreamily.

He _was _going to get his hands on that (beautiful) ass no matter what.

Kanda felt an unexplainable shiver run up his back that gym period.

* * *

Please review!


	22. Crush

**Crush**

Allen met Kanda when he was twelve. The teacher had randomly paired them together for an arts project. Allen had shyly smiled at Kanda. Kanda had scowled at him then looked out of the window for the rest of the hour.

He hadn't noticed or talked to Kanda before so he didn't know that this was his usual behavior. He just thought that Kanda hated him for some reason on sight, most kids did due to his white hair and gloves and scar. You couldn't be different and not be hated when you're a kid.

He was sad but not surprised that his partner hated him. He was also disappointed that he'd be failing the arts project seeing as Kanda didn't look eager to work at all and Allen sucked at drawing. He kept trying to cooperate with Kanda but Kanda just glared at him the entire time. Then finally, after an entire hour when the arts class was over and all the students were supposed to turn in their drawings. Suddenly Kanda's hands flashed as he grasped a pencil and a sheet of paper, he turned to Allen and then his hand flew across the paper with an expression of intense concentration as all the other kids handed in their papers. After maybe a minute he slammed the paper down and picked up another one, he started drawing rapidly again without looking at Allen anymore. Then he was done and he handed the papers to Allen.

"Turn this in, Moyashi." Kanda had said and then he'd walked right out of the classroom without a glance back.

Allen had looked down on the papers. The first one was an incredibly detailed sketch of himself. Sketch him wasn't smiling as he always did but nor did it look angry or sad or even surprised as Allen had looked when Kanda had sketched him. Sketch him was looking to the side, his face propped up by a gloved hand, sketch him's face looked pensive and thoughtful and the drawing was incredibly detailed and had shadows and everything. Allen's face felt hot at the thought that Kanda saw him this way.

The other drawing was of Kanda. He looked stoic and emotionless and Allen noticed with a start as he looked at the drawing that Kanda was actually amazingly beautiful.

The assignment had been for the partners to draw each other. Kanda had done so within two minutes doing both the drawings and Allen had done absolutely nothing but panic.

Allen had turned the drawings in. The teacher had marveled over how well drawn they were and gave them both an A+; the teacher had then asked Allen if he wanted to keep the drawings, he'd thanked her yes.

Every day from then on Allen would try to psych himself up to go to the swings and talk to Kanda who was all alone. He didn't know exactly why he wanted to talk to Kanda. Maybe he wanted to thank him for doing his drawing as well and not telling, maybe he wanted to apologize for doing nothing, maybe he wanted to compliment his drawing abilities, and maybe he just wanted to be friends with him. But Allen never got the courage to talk to Kanda, and when Allen came home every day he would unearth two drawing from underneath his pillow and he would stare at the sketch of a beautiful Asian boy and the flattering drawing of himself.

Kanda was always on his mind, not like an obsession, more like resting comfortingly in the back of his mind, always there but not in the front, not what he was directly thinking about.

All of the boys had had at least one girlfriend by the time they were sixteen except for Allen, maybe which was why he accepted so readily when Lenalee confessed to him. Lenalee was a pretty Asian girl with long hair in two pigtails and she always wore a pair of tall leather boots. She was cute and innocent and pretty and nice. Why shouldn't he accept? Allen liked spending time with her, all the boys wanted to date her and everyone was jealous of him. They'd been a great couple. Allen had convinced himself that he liked her. But eventually Lenalee broke up with him.

"It's like you don't really like me. I'm sorry but we just don't have that spark, we never had it." she said.

And then she left him. And Allen supposed she was right. Allen _had _liked her, just not like that; he'd liked her as a friend. Every time they'd kissed, every time she'd urged his ungloved hand (the right one, he never showed her the left one, never the left one) up her shirt he'd always thought one thing, _I wonder if Kanda's done something like this. _His thoughts had simply not been on what they were doing, when Lenalee writhed underneath him he never made the sort of noises she made, he never got hot and bothered like her. He just blushed out of embarrassment for her and himself over what they were doing and that was apparently enough for her, if he needed an erection he had to think about something else (drawing underneath the pillow, boy on the swing, beautiful face framed by blueish hair, KandaKandaKandaKanda) like for example Lenalee's hair. He didn't know why but the only thing that sexually appealed to him about Lenalee was her blueish hair (KandaKandaKanda).

So he hadn't had the spark with Lenalee.

Next Road had come.

She was a cute little sadist that wore Lolita dresses and had a funny pumpkin umbrella. She'd had unusual golden eyes, darks skin and blueish hair. She was pretty and cute and all the boys had been jealous when he and Road had gotten together at the age of seventeen, Road looked a lot younger than she was.

He'd still hadn't grown the balls to talk to Kanda, he just looked at him from afar. Kanda was still in the back of his mind, still haunting his dreams wearing a strangely small amount of clothes.

His relationship with Road had been even shorter than the one he had with Lenalee. This time it had been him that had broken up with her. He'd known of her sadistic tendencies but when in the middle of a make out session where Allen was focusing on her bluish hair (KandaKandaKanda) she suddenly grabbed a knife from underneath her pillow and tried to gouge his eye out with a blush on her face, he just had to break up with her.

He'd still hadn't talked to Kanda. It was strange how he couldn't stop thinking about Kanda. It was strange how blueish hair turned him on. It was strange how Dream Kanda would be only wearing a white towel that would be slowly slipping down from his hips, revealing a tantalizing V that went toward his crotch and how his bluish wet hair clung to his beautiful face and Kanda would look at him with smoldering dark eyes full of lust and he'd breathe heavily and deeply and there'd be a dark red blush on his face and he'd be lying on top of him and he'd moan "Allen…"

It was strange indeed.

And then Rohfa had come along.

Rohfa was a cute Chinese girl with hair (that was, disappointingly enough, not blueish) in thick braids. She had thick glasses and she was very shy and she stuttered a lot. One day she'd confessed to him in the library that was almost empty, she'd done so quietly of course, so quietly that Allen had barely heard her. They'd gone on one date. She'd dressed in a cute pink frilly top and white shorts, Allen had gone in his usual clothes. They'd watched a movie together and he couldn't for the life of him remember which one they'd seen because something had happened afterwards.

After the movie they'd grabbed a cup of coffee at Starbucks. They'd nervously chatted and Rohfa had steadily inched closer and closer to him. All Allen had been able to think about was the future. He'd thought about how all the other boys would be jealous and he thought about the many make out sessions they'd have together where Allen would have to think about blueish hair (KandaKandaKanda) that Rohfa didn't have to get an erection and he thought about how they'd break up. Maybe Rohfa would realize they didn't have that spark, maybe she'd turn out to be a violent psycho. He didn't know.

And then Rohfa had leaned in for their first and last kiss and Allen had closed the gap between them and they'd closed their eyes. Rohfa's kiss had been minty and chaste, very modest. Allen had felt no spark, no spike of lust or love. He'd felt nothing but embarrassment at what they were doing in public. And then Rohfa had gotten really into it so Allen had complied and had started thinking about long blueish hair (KandaKandaKanda) that Rohfa didn't have. And when he started thinking about the hair something had happened, something that hadn't happened before. He'd started thinking about more things than blueish hair.

He'd thought about long bluish hair framing a pretty face and pale perfect skin and a flawless scowl that told everyone to back the fuck away. He'd thought about a fast skilled hand drawing rapidly (and just _think_ about what else that skilled hand could do). He'd thought about a white towel in a dream slipping down a pair of hips and he'd thought about a breathy moan of "Allen…"

"Kanda…" he'd breathed against Rohfa's lips.

She hadn't noticed. And Allen had known. Allen now knew why he loved bluish hair and why he wanted to talk to Kanda and why he never felt the spark when he made out with his girlfriends.

Allen had lead her home to her doorstep afterwards as she blushed and stared at the ground, Allen had told her "I don't think this is going to work."

She had looked like her world had been shattered. Allen quickly turned away from the expression and walked home. He'd been up all night thinking. When he'd breathed that name against Rohfa's lips he'd realized. He'd realized that he loved Kanda. He'd loved him all along. He didn't know why, he didn't know why but he loved Kanda. He tried to get over him for about a year and then school was over and Allen never once talked to Kanda and on that day of graduation his heart had broke into many tiny pieces.

He'd seen Lenalee and Road and Rohfa walk out of the door and he felt nothing. And then Kanda had walked out of the door with a diploma in his hand and Allen suddenly had to fight back tears. He'd never talked to Kanda like he wanted. Never gotten to thank him and apologize and compliment him or get over him or make him blush and moan his name.

And Allen hadn't gotten another girlfriend and he hadn't tried to get a boyfriend. He'd never been able to stop thinking about Kanda, Kanda who rested comfortably in the back of his mind, Kanda who could draw like nobody else, Kanda who had blueish hair. KandaKandaKanda.

He applied for Stanford. He made friends. He got good grades. Got in using a music scholarship. He paid his Master's never ending debts with the money he got from working as a cashier at Wal-Mart. And he didn't see Kanda. And he kept the drawings. And everything was so bleak.

He didn't know why he liked Kanda. All Kanda had done was quickly draw two sketches and that was that. He'd never talked to Kanda again. Yet whenever he thought about Kanda a pang of emotion exploded in his chest. He felt admiration and love and regret and shame and a little hate and despair and more and more love that overwhelmed him when he thought about it too much.

And then he'd taken an introductory class to religion. His friend Lavi had talked about it some the last week and it had intrigued him and so he'd decided to go and try and cover up the empty hole in his chest where Kanda should be with knowledge and religion and God.

He'd entered the room. A large atrium. He'd sat down in the back. He'd looked at who was sitting next to him. And his heart had stopped. He'd seen long bluish hair framing a pretty scowling face that told everyone to back the fuck away. He was older. His clothes were a little well-worn. He was a bit musclier. And he was _Kanda_. Allen hadn't paid attention to a single fucking word the professor had said the entire time. He'd just stared at Kanda the entire time with reverence and wild hope. Kanda hadn't even glanced at him.

This must be fate, Allen had thought wildly. It must be the hand of God that brought us together; He has given me a second chance at true love!

That day Allen became the single most faithful Christian to ever grace the earth. He followed ever single word in the Bible to a T (with the small exceptions of gay love, pre-marital sex and a lot of swearing during sex).

At the end of the class Kanda had turned towards him and said "So we're paired together for the project of writing an essay about Jesus."

Allen had nodded casually while disbelief at the coincidences and gratefulness towards the teacher and God and love for Kanda rolled around inside of him.

Allen wasn't going to get into any details about what happened during the time they wrote that essay but he was more than ready to admit that he never had to force an erection again and he showed Kanda his left arm and he didn't mind and Kanda didn't have any creepy fetishes and they _did _have that spark and yes, he did make Kanda moan his name.

And they never broke up.

* * *

What do you guys think?


	23. Hospital

**Hospital**

Most people didn't like hospitals, hated them in fact. Allen didn't though; he knew how to appreciate things. He knew that if it weren't for hospitals humanity would be in a _far_ worse condition than it already was in. He knew that the hospital was where people died and grief and despair was in abundance but he also knew that it was where those dying and grieving and despairing people were given a chance at survival, where surgeries were a success and the cancer was successfully cut off, where babies were delivered and crying fathers hugged their tired but satisfied wives, where someone managed to walk on their own two feet for the first time in months. The hospital was a place that harbored both happy and horrible moments, ecstatic and depressed people, it was a place both for healing and suffering, in that way Allen fancied that the hospital was rather like a person.

So the first thing that came to Allen's mind when he woke up in a hospital wasn't _goddamnit, _it was _oh dear, I hope the damage isn't permanent and that no one else was hurt. _That was the kind of person Allen was, he wasn't even overly curious about what had landed him in the hospital in the first place, he just wondered if anyone besides himself had been hurt.

Allen assessed himself. An IV in his arm, his leg in a cast, his arm was numb and his shoulder ached. Not too bad, he thought, it couldn't be too serious.

Later on a nurse arrived, a stern woman with her hair in a bun, and she told him that he'd been hit by a bus. His leg was broken, his shoulder had been briefly dislocated and then put back in its rightful place by a doctor, and his arm was numb due to the fact that when the bus collided with him and threw him up into the sky and he was slammed back into the cruel hand of gravity he had landed on his right arm so it was pretty torn up, they had to pump a lot of drugs into it but it should be just fine, just some flesh wounds that was all. Allen was pleased to hear that his broken leg would be all right in a few months and that no one was hurt.

And then the nurse left him and Allen was left to his own devices. He counted the tiles on the ceiling for awhile, and then when that got boring (precisely an hour and forty-two minutes after he begun) he decided to turn his head around to see if his room had a window he could stare out of, if not he could always just recite the bible out loud word for word or pray for everyone he knew twice.

He turned his head to his left. And he saw him.

The room was small and cluttered with beeping machines, the walls were painted shiny, plastic beige and there were daisies in vases on every available surface. Allen was shoved against the wall where the door was and to his left was the wall with a window. The window was nice and big and showed a park and some of the city and lots of the sky. But Allen didn't care about the window anymore. He'd found something a whole lot more interesting.

Him.

It turned out Allen had a roommate, a quiet one too. Shoved against the window wall was a man, Allen wondered if he had been there a long time because his hair was very long, and… and _blueish? _The man's hair was long and dark but it had an odd blue sheen to it that couldn't be achieved by any sort of hair dye. He concentrated on the man's face. His eyes were closed, long eyelashes lowered, sleeping. The man's face was unblemished and pale, the cheek bones were high and the eyes were shaped like almonds, it would have been flawless if it weren't for the slightly drawn, tired look to it that accompanied the dark shadows underneath his eyes, Allen wondered how ill he was if he couldn't even escape his pain in sleep, for surely the man had to be ill because Allen couldn't see a hint of a cast or bandage or a wound. The man was a bit taller than him, a little bit thinner too, but Allen had a feeling the later had something to do with his illness. The man was Asian, Japanese by the looks of him.

Allen wondered what his name was, how he spoke and if he had a religion, what his favorite color and food and song and book and movie was, he wondered if he had a family and if he did what were they like? Did he have children, a wife? Was he married, was he straight, would he go for him? Allen blushed in embarrassment at the direction his thoughts were taking, honestly, what was he thinking romantically considering a hospital patient? That was like going for someone on the rebound, the man was in a vulnerable state. He shouldn't even be thinking about such things. Besides, with Allen's luck the man was probably happily married. Allen checked the man's finger and without his permission he grinned at the absence of a ring. He shook his head and reminded himself that that didn't mean that the man was available. Or straight.

But Allen was bored and he had nothing to do but think so think he did.

He really shouldn't be considering someone he'd ever seen _unconscious._ The man could be a serial killer! Illness or no, handsomeness or no, long hair or no, he shouldn't judge people by how they looked. That man could be a total douchebag.

Allen wondered what the man's favorite flower was.

Allen spent almost an hour staring at the man, burning his face into his retina as he took in every single detail. The man became sort of a fixation to try and cure his boredom. He didn't draw any conclusion, he just wondered what he was like and hoped he was gay if he was a nice enough guy and he also hoped that he didn't have anything serious and that he'd be okay. He hoped the man would be okay.

And that was how the seed of Allen's crush were planted.

After an hour of staring a nurse entered the room, a different one from the first, this one had pigtails and youth and a cheery smile. Allen noted that she also had blueish hair but it wasn't as nice as his roommates, her blueish sheen was less of a sheen and more of a dye-job, the man's sheen was more subtle and alluring. She was holding two trays of food.

"Hello Mr. Walker, how has your stay been so far?" she asked as she set one of the trays down on the night table next to him.

"I can't complain. Thank you, by the way, you wouldn't happen to know that man's name would you?" Allen said as he indicated his roommate with a nod of his head.

"Oh, that's Mr. Kanda. Has he been bothering you?" she said.

Allen shook his head. "No, no. He's been asleep the whole time, I was just curious is all."

The pigtailed nurse looked oddly relieved. "Oh! Well. That's good." She said shiftily.

She then hurriedly placed Mr. Kanda's tray on his night table and practically ran out of the room, almost slamming the door behind her in her haste to get out of there as she yelled, "Well I've got to go, people to cure, places to see and all that. Bye!"

Allen found her eagerness at not talking about his roommate slightly ominous and foreboding. But Allen like the optimist he was ignored it with ease. He was _the _master at ignoring things.

It seemed the bang of the closing door had roused Mr. Kanda. Allen looked at his stirring roommate. He scrunched his nose up and wriggled a bit in the bed but eventually his beautiful eyes fluttered open, they were dark like the night. Allen winced at his inner poetic clichéness.

A groan was produced by his roommate before he slowly, haltingly, painfully sat up in his bed.

He blinked blearily at the room. And then he turned his head. And he saw Allen.

And Allen would remember for years to come how he used to _like _hospitals. Oh what a fool he had been. The day Allen met Kanda hospitals became the best thing ever, he _loved _them now. Hospitals introduced him to Kanda. And a hospital cured Kanda's cancer.

And he would until the day he died remember his husbands, his lover, his boyfriend, his rival, and his best friend's and soul mates first words to him.

"Who the fuck are you?"

* * *

I feel like I could have written this better but I hope you guys liked the chapter.


	24. React

**React**

Allen knows Kanda better than anybody in the entire world.

He knows that when Kanda gets nervous he'll caress the hilt of his sword as if to reassure himself as he cautiously yet casually checks out his surroundings. Allen doesn't always know why Kanda does this but he trusts the man's instincts so he will always grow wary the moment he sees Kanda caress Mugen's hilt.

He knows that when Kanda is truly scared his sword his fully drawn and in his hands swinging away at whatever scared him. Usually when Kanda's scared Allen's angry and protective and has his Innocence activated.

He knows that when Kanda feels confident or proud about something he'll smirk and unconsciously do a girly little hair flip as he sends him a gloating look. This never fails to make him laugh.

He knows that when Kanda feels jealous he'll get very, very mad and his tongue will be lashing as fast as his sword when an akuma is around as a vein throbs in his forehead. Allen thinks that this is just as adorable as his gloating hair flip but it's also sort of annoying sometimes, it's not like he's going to sleep with the first guy that hits on him that isn't Kanda.

Allen knows Kanda's angry reaction inside out, it happened at _least _three times a day. He'll start yelling and he'll draw Mugen and declare a duel and he'll start stabbing away whether or not his 'retched foe' has agreed to the duel or not. Stupidly cute and extremely annoying and sigh-inducing.

Kanda can't keep a secret for the life of him and Allen knew this. Whenever Kanda tried to keep a secret he would act shifty and cryptic and evasive and jumpy, _very _jumpy. Allen rather liked this attribute because this makes it easier for him to trust Kanda and the process of wheedling the secret out of him is significantly simpler. Plus it's one of the most endearing things he's ever seen.

He knows how Kanda acts when he disliked someone; he was on the receiving end of that attitude for quite some time after all. He'll glare and scowl (more than usual) in their presence and he'll try his best not to get involved with them. Allen counts himself lucky that managed to break through that attitude.

And he knows that when Kanda feels trapped or defensive he'll immediately start firing of denials and wild explanations that don't make a lick of sense. Yet another cute reaction.

When Kanda was feeling guilty he'd grudgingly apologize while avoiding eye contact and he wouldn't give up until he'd been forgiven, he'd be unable to sleep or eat or relax until he was forgiven and a little while after that as well. Allen thought it was sweet but very irritating in the way he'd stop giving a damn about his won health.

When Kanda was bored he'd try his best and do something constructive with his time, be it mediation, gardening, cleaning, training, sword maintenance, or… something else. Allen particularly liked it when Kanda resorted to the… something else.

And when Kanda was excited about something he'd be unable to sleep like a little kid looking forward to their field trip. So cute and so great. There were certain perks to dating someone who was unable to sleep on occasion.

And when Kanda was physically attracted to _someone _(in other words Allen himself) he'd just casually sling an arm over a shoulder and he'd then casually make sure that they were alone in the room and that the door was closed and locked before he oh so casually shoved him down onto the nearest flat (or maybe not flat) surface where he would proceed to casually rip his clothes off and then not-so casually fuck his brains out.

And when Kanda was feeling _affectionate _towards someone he'd…

Well first he wouldn't know understand what was going on. Then he'd automatically fall back to insults when he didn't know how to react to the person he was feeling affections for. And then he'd unconsciously choose to sit at the same table as the person he was affectionate towards every time he was going to eat. He'd unconsciously sit next to them every time he was presented the chance. And he'd keep starting conversations with this person even though he didn't know why he bothered. He'd be plagued by strange dreams. He'd be unable to stop thinking about them. Would get overly involved with this person before he knew what was happening.

And before he knew it he was sharing an apartment with this person and watching Breaking Bad with them as he unconsciously sat closer to them than necessary and his knee was bumping against the other persons knee and that person he felt affections for would smile indulgently and lean on his shoulder and rest his snowy-haired head on his shoulder and fall asleep there. And Kanda wouldn't move once until that person woke up, and then he'd rewind the episode for that person's sake and he'd watch the episode again this time with his awake partner. And they'd spoon in their bed and eat breakfast together. Though they bickered like an old married couple from the start.

Allen didn't mind this reaction one bit.

And what he doesn't know is that Kanda knows him just as well as he knows him. Though he wouldn't be surprised upon hearing this revelation.


	25. Weakness

**Weakness**

Kanda loved flowers. He didn't love a whole lot of things, so the fact that he loved flowers was a pretty startling discovery for everyone who found out. Not many people found out.

Kanda was rough and thorny and spiky on the edges and rude. When you thought of Kanda you didn't think of a flower lover, you thought of a masculine man that would snort in the face of such useless things. But Kanda loved them.

He loved their beautiful, delicate petals with their amazing colors. He loved their sweet scent and long, majestic stems that proudly held up the flower. He loved the way they would sprout up out of the warm soil and grow as the days went by, aided by water and sunshine and good climate. He loved how they could be arranged into a bouquet so that the flowers became art, living art. He loved how each and every flower had its own meaning, its own language, the flower language. He loved how picturesquely beautiful they were.

Flowers calmed him and cheered him up. When he was in a foul mood he'd just get some flowers and smell them and stare at them as they lounged in their vase or bouquet for a few hours, after beating whoever pissed him off up of course, and he did the flower thing in private were no one could see him, it was kind of embarrassing.

It was a sort of weakness of his, flowers that was.

He remembered how he had once beaten some asshole into a bloody pulp after he saw him carelessly step into a cluster of (sweet, innocent) daisies. What had the daisies ever done to him?

So flowers were his weakness. And unfortunately Allen was aware of this fact.

They fought a lot, squabbled, bickered, quarreled; they just argued a heck a lot. And Allen had nothing against this, he was more than happy to take part in, or start, a fight. But he always regretted it afterwards as his conscience shrieked into his guilty little ear. And so Allen would always walk up to Kanda each and every day, because they fought each and every day, and he would throw his puppy eyes at him and Kanda, who was immune to such things, would open his mouth to shout at him to leave him alone. And then he would promptly close his mouth again when Allen would hand him a beautiful bouquet of flowers from behind his back. The bouquet was different every time, different ribbon, different color scheme, different flower, or sometimes when he was _really _sorry it would be flower_s. _

Kanda fell for it every time. He would just quietly accept the bouquet and he'd admire them for a moment before elegantly smelling their sweet scent. And then he would look up at Allen and he'd give him a small loving smile. Kanda never smiled in public, he was uncomfortable with the mere idea and thoughtful Allen, who knew that he would be unable to stop himself from smiling if given flowers, always made sure to give him his flowers in private. And then Allen would smile happily and he'd sit down next to Kanda and they'd have dinner or watch some TV together or have- do something else…

Allen thought it was cute, Kanda thought it was embarrassing, Lenalee knew nothing, and Lavi just snickered to himself when no one was looking.

* * *

I know it's really short but I just love writing stories for you guys and I just couldn't get this idea out of my head! I hope you guys liked it, please review!


	26. Weed

**Weed**

Allen took a long draw out of the joint. He was currently sprawled over his and Kanda's crappy couch as he and his boyfriend shared a joint. It had been a real stressful day. Kanda was slouched in a beanbag that they'd bought at a flea market a few years ago, it smelled like cheetos. Allen stared with red eyes at the slowly rotating fan on their ceiling for a bit before he flung his arm over his eyes and he silently held out the joint to Kanda. Kanda took it.

"Kanda," Allen said, "Do you ever want to kill people?"

He heard Kanda slowly let out a breath of smoke. "All the time,"

"Yeah, me too, _all_ the time. You wouldn't think so because I'm all smily and polite and shit like that but I always just wanna, like, kill everybody."

Kanda made a sort-of curious grunt. Allen smiled indulgently.

"I mean, like, I've only killed once but it was _awesome_. I know it's horrible of me but it really was awesome. It was this mugger guy a few years back, he came at me with a knife and he was all 'give me all your money ya fag!' and I was all 'okay, calm down, I'm giving you the money.'" Allen said with his red eyes still covered.

Kanda took a long drag out of the joint and passes it Allen. Allen blew a smoke ring.

"But then just as I was giving him the wallet I thought about how hard I worked for that money and how much I needed it for food and debts and bills and stuff like that, y'know?" Allen asked.

He waited for a response. Eventually Kanda grunted "Pass the joint."

Kanda grunted a lot. Allen passed him the joint.

"But he needed it more I could tell and maybe if he got some money he'd be sent on the right track. But then it was, like, I lost control over my arm, the deformed one. It just suddenly sprang forward and started chocking the guy without me telling it to. The guy was so shocked he dropped his knife! And I was totally shocked and all I could do was stare while my arm killed somebody." Allen said.

"Huh," Kanda said.

Kanda was a man of few words, but Allen could live with that.

"And it was while I was staring at the guys face that the awesomeness set in. I stared at him and he made the most incredible face, his skin turned first white, then blue, then purple, and then white again. And the light in his eyes, man. It was all wild and crazy at first, it was like his eyes were glowin', but then the light went out just like that." Allen snapped his gloved fingers to punctuate his sentence.

"Word," Kanda said.

"And he looked so… desperate, determined, it was inspiring, man. Unique, you don't see people making those kind of faces when they're not in mortal danger." Allen said.

Kanda handed him the joint silently.

"It just felt _great_ to kill him, it felt like I'd just done an amazing thing. And ever since that day I've always been unable to stop fantasizing about killing people. I'm all like 'what face would she make if I just stabbed her right now out of the blue in the stomach?' or 'I wonder if he'd scream if I started chocking him. Right now' those horrible pondering run through my mind _all _day. I'm a terrible person."

"You're not a terrible person. Annoying, yes. And stupid. But not terrible." Kanda said.

Allen watched the smoke dance in front of his eyes before it dissipated. He could smell Timcanpy's cheap bird food and the rotting pot plant. Warm sunlight filtered in through the blinds in an futile attempt to brighten up the gloomily living room. The stained leather was warm and comfortable against his back and Allen closed his eyes to listen to the rush of traffic outside of his and Kanda's cheap-ass apartment. They smoked in silence for several minutes.

"I'm sorry. I didn't explain that killing thing properly, and I never will be able to either. It's impossible, it was just too great. I'm horrible."

"_You're not horrible._" Kanda hissed, Allen was starting to annoy him.

"Well what kind of so called 'good' person goes around fantasizing about killing everyone he meets?" Allen asked.

"Look, sometimes I just wanna kill everyone too. It would just be so much easier. Just kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out. Bad ones go to Hell and good ones go to Heaved, easy as pie." Kanda said.

Allen chuckled humorlessly.

"That's different Kanda. What I have is constant and it doesn't even have a reason, I just wanna mindlessly kill."

Kanda growled with impatience and put out the joint. Allen heard the clothes rustling and footsteps and he opened his eyes just in time to see Kanda sit down on him, straddling his lap. His face was that of an annoyed, exasperated man who was slightly horny and very in love.

"If anyone's a good person it's you. Now shut the fuck up. You know weed makes me horny." Kanda said in a sexy growl that made Allen feel good things.

Kanda leaned down and gently kissed him. He then not-so gently thrust his tongue into his mouth and proceeded to molest his mouth while his hands fumbled with his zipper. Allen smiled into the kiss and started unbuttoning Kanda's work-shirt as he happily participated in the make-out session.

This was why Allen loved Kanda so damn much. When Allen started on one of his many 'I'm going to burn in Hell' spiels Kanda always fixed him right up with some stubbornness and- oh God that was so good, Kanda was _sucking _his tongue! Screw inner monologues about what a great boyfriend Kanda was! It was time to concentrate on the important stuff!

Allen let out a long needy moan and grinded his now-naked groin against Kanda's.

God, he loved Kanda so fucking much.

* * *

I now this is just _so _OOC but I kind of wanted to try it out, and when I got the word weed I just had to write this weird crap. I hope you guys at least got a kick out of it!


	27. Roommate

**Roommate**

Allen met soul mate when he was eighteen. He didn't realize that the violent man he'd met was his soul mate right away of course. Allen just realized that he might have just possibly met the rudest man on the face of the planet, he also realized in the same moment that this person was his roommate that he would be getting a lot of headaches in the future.

This person's name was Yuu Kanda, thought he preferred to go by his last name and was on occasion called Yuu-chan or BaKanda. Kanda was taller than Allen, most people were. One of Kanda's most distinguishing traits was the fact that he had hair that was longer than most girls hair. His hair was long and dark with a strangely natural blueish shine to it, it was obviously well-taken care of and he always wore it in a high tight ponytail, leaving his bangs to frame his face as he tied it back with a silk black ribbon. He was strong and athletic, he liked kendo and actually owned a real sword (which he had _named_). Kanda was rude, violent and short-tempered, the direct opposite of Allen. His roommate wasn't very good academically-wise but he scraped by. He also had a nasty habit of calling him Moyashi (bean sprout) and deliberately getting into fights with him.

Allen decided that he hated his roommate within five minutes of meeting him, Kanda drew the same conclusion but he drew that conclusion about most people.

Kanda was for his part was highly unimpressed by his roommate himself. Allen was so fake-polite and annoyingly Samaritan, he was such an obnoxious martyr! And he called him BaKanda! And he was so fucking weird, he had white hair and a stupid pentagram tattoo and he always wore gloves, even when it was irritatingly hot.

Lavi for his part was just happy that two of his friends had befriended each other! He also rather enjoyed their humorous antics. Lenalee just sighed.

The first semester was… needlessly miserable to say the least. It would have been bearable, if it wasn't for the fact that Allen and Kanda went out of their way to antagonize each other. Allen would stay up late each night and study, this wasn't to get better grades, it was just that he knew that Kanda was unable to sleep at night with a light on in the same room as him and he hated sleeping on the couch. In retaliation Kanda made sure to wake up extra early each morning and be as loud as possible while dressing himself for his morning workout, Kanda used to wake up earlier than usual even before he met Allen but even he had to admit that waking up 5 am every morning was _not _healthy, but it was all worth it to see those bags under the Moyashi's eyes.

With Allen doing his best to stay awake during the night and Kanda making a ruckus every dawn the roommates got little sleep. But at least Allen's grades became awesome form all of the studying and Kanda got to the prime of his physique, his sword fighting and stamina better than ever. But they were always tired and took a nap every time they got a chance, in other words their social lives suffered (not that Kanda had much of one to begin with) because they were too busy cat napping and their social circles shrank to only Lavi and Lenalee. Allen who was used to a harsh life was only thankful that he had any friends at all, Kanda didn't give a damn.

Kanda, who was always looking for more ways to drive his roommate crazy, got a hobby. This hobby entailed watching violent, gory movies on maximum volume whenever Allen was there. Thanks to this Kanda became even _more _violent and morbid but at least he got a hobby that wasn't training or staring at lotuses. Allen, who refused to be one-upped by that cocky bastard, started playing his violin more often. He preferred the piano but he couldn't fit, or afford, one into the tiny little living space he and Kanda, grudgingly, shared. He played to the best of his abilities, he composed and occasionally sang along. Kanda for his part moaned and bitched about it endlessly but he secretly liked it. He was ashamed to admit it even to himself but Allen was _good _at music, Kanda loved listening, so he always quietly listened to the beautiful music and then started complaining _after _the music was over. He only complained because he knew that would only encourage Allen to play more.

Allen (sort-of, kinda, a little bit) grew fond of his roommate. He thought it was sort of funny how he refused to eat anything but soba yet managed to survive. He thought that big chest tattoo that he only caught glimpses of when he changed he had was kinda cool. He liked how honest he was, even though when he was he was rude and brutish, it was like seeing an opposite of himself, Kanda had a bunch of flaws where Allen had strengths but where Allen had flaws Kanda was perfect. Allen lied a lot, Kanda was always totally honest, Allen was polite, Kanda was rude, Allen was poor as shit and savored every coin he could get his hands on, Kanda's famous artist adoptive father was loaded and loved giving his maternal son money, money that Kanda barely used. Kanda wasn't perfect in any sense of the word but at least he was interesting, unique. Still annoying though.

Kanda also slowly began to like Allen against his will. He loved it when he played his violin, he hated it when he smiled that annoying fake little smile, he loved it when he made delicious soba for him, he hated it when he stayed up late at night to study with his light turned on, he loved it when Allen didn't mock him about his abysmal grades even though Allen didn't like him and he got great grades himself and Kanda got crappy ones. Kanda supposed he could have gotten a worse roommate, but he wasn't the best one either.

And it was in that manner that the first semester went by. Then came the second one.

They fought less now, they bickered now. Bickering was different form fighting, when they fought they were frustrated and sick of each other, when they bickered and bantered it was because they were comfortable with it and didn't like silence or boredom. They were sort of closer that semester. When one of the kids in their math class got a glimpse of Kanda's grade at the latest test over his shoulder and snorted Allen determinedly didn't speak to him ever again. Ever. When the same kid made a derogatory remark about Allen's financial status within his hearing range Kanda beat him into a bloody pulp, claiming that only he was allowed to insult Allen.

When Allen studied late into the night, for it had become a habit by now, he always made sure to do it quietly in the cramped kitchen before he snuck into the dark bedroom and went to bed. Kanda, who was also used to waking up absurdly early by now to train, didn't go out of his way to be loud any longer. And Kanda didn't watch his violent movies at an unnecessarily loud volume any longer, but by then he'd grown to like them so he didn't stop watching them. And Allen for a short while stopped playing his violin as much until Kanda sulkily confronted him about it.

"Oi, why did you stop playing the violin?" Kanda asked, cutting straight to the chase.

Allen blinked at him for a moment as he straightened up at his desk, he'd been hunched over a book about the second world war for a test they would have in a week when Kanda had popped the question out of nowhere.

"Huh? I thought you didn't like it when I did that." Allen said as he twisted around in his chair to properly look at Kanda who was sitting on his bed, eyes fixed on his lap.

"Is that why you stopped playing? Because you thought I didn't like it?" Kanda said.

Allen nodded, and then he affirmed that yes, he had stopped because he thought Kanda didn't like it, vocally because Kanda wasn't looking at him and therefore didn't see the nod. Kanda, if it were possible, tensed up even more.

"Do you like playing?" Kanda asked in a stiff voice.

"Y-yes?" Allen asked unsurely because he wasn't quite sure of what sort of situation he was in yet.

Kanda nodded to himself as if to give himself a push to the back to force himself to continue.

"I… like it when you… you're good at the violin." Kanda said slowly.

Allen blinked.

"So… what you're trying to say is that you actually like it when I play?" Allen asked uncertainly.

Kanda nodded stiffly. He'd missed Allen's music more than he'd care to admit even to himself. It was ridiculous, it was only music, so why did it bother himself so?

"Then why'd you say you hated it then?" Allen asked.

"… shut up and just start playing again you idiot." Kanda said before almost running out of the room before Allen could respond.

When Allen was left to think about the strange conversation he came to the conclusion that Kanda actually had liked his music but he'd been to hell-bent on one upping him that he refused to admit it and just turned his nose up at his music while secretly liking it and now in the absence of his music he missed it so much that he was willing to swallow his pride and ask him to start playing again. This struck Allen as particularly cute of his roommate and it also made him feel strangely nice that Kanda liked his music so much. His face felt hot.

The next day Allen played his violin for hours and Kanda fell peacefully asleep at their shitty couch, that had holes in it where stuffing was spilling out, in the middle of Beethoven's moonlight sonata. For some reason Allen hadn't been able to stop thinking about how Kanda's face looked so innocent and serene when he was sleeping for the rest of the day. He was also very flattered at Kanda's appreciation of his music.

The next day when he saw Kanda struggling over his algebra homework Allen had remembered Kanda's sleeping face and he'd decided to throw the Asian man a bone and help him with his homework. It was long grueling frustrating work that gave him a headache but the moment when he saw understanding dawn on his roommates face was worth all of it.

The next day Kanda bought him lunch. Since Allen wasn't buying with his own small amount of money he was able buy enough food to actually fill him up for once. Allen, who was very grateful for lunch, helped Kanda with his homework again. Kanda bought Allen lunch again the next day. And Allen helped him with his homework again. And so began yet another one of their routines.

Lavi was now watching them with a considering, knowing glint in his emerald eye.

And then it was the third semester. That was the semester they got drunk of their asses and had wild, uninhibited, wasted sex. It was awesome. The morning wasn't. There was a lot of shouting and yelling and hangover induced vomiting and migraines.

But they talked it out.

Kanda had taken a restless walk around the campus while inwardly cursing alcohol and hormones and Lavi's dumb-ass suggestions about going out to drink but strangely enough he didn't even think about blaming Allen. When he got back to their living space and not seen Allen he'd sighed with relief and headed to the bathroom. And there he'd seen something very sad. He'd found Allen wearing only a T-shirt and some sweat pants (he'd revealed his deformed arm earlier on in the semester and Kanda had been totally cool with it and it was around then that Allen's first inklings of a crush had sprouted out of the cold earth to bask in the sun of Kanda's casual acceptance). He had been covered by a shiny sheen of cold sweat and he'd been lying on the floor, resting his head on the cold tile floor. There were tear tracks on his face that bore a regretful despairing emotion on it for all who dared look to see. He looked like he had just been told that he had a case of fatal cancer.

And Kanda had swallowed dryly, his throat and chest suddenly feeling tight and uncomfortable as he felt a wave of intense guilt wash over him. Maybe he'd been a bit too harsh that morning, it wasn't Allen's fault. He licked his lips, tried to say Allen name, found that he couldn't, he was mute. He stared helplessly at his unmoving roommate who hadn't noticed him yet. He considered the possibility of him being asleep before he decided that the emotion on his face as too raw to be anything but completely aware and alert.

He swallowed again and tried to work up the courage to say Allen's name. he wasn't sure what he'd say to Allen, wasn't sure of what could make things right again. They couldn't just ignore what they'd done, but he didn't want to drift away from him either.

"Allen…" Kanda finally managed in a weak voice.

Allen flinched and his eyes sprung open. Dark eyes met red and puffy ones. Another wave of guilt, stronger this time.

Kanda suddenly realized in a detached sort of way that Allen's eyes weren't grey, they were a beautiful tranquil silver that seemed almost unearthly in its brilliance. Kanda wondered how he hadn't noticed before.

"Hi." Kanda said lamely.

Allen slowly sat up and turned his face away from Kanda and began rubbing his face with an embarrassed blush. Kanda noticed how Allen's blush reached the tips of his ears as well.

"What?" Allen croaked out in a sore wavering voice that would have revealed that Allen had been crying very recently if his face hadn't already.

Kanda swallowed again and did what he did best. He was honest.

"I don't want to stop being your friend. But I don't want to ignore what we did either." Kanda said in his blunt, cut-straight-to-the-point way.

"You… still want to be my f-friend?" Allen asked in a hopeful pathetic voice that instantly made Kanda want to make everything okay so that Allen would just smile, and not that stupid fake smile, his _real _smile, the pretty one.

Kanda nodded in confirmation. And Allen allowed himself a small smile, it was uncertain and brittle but it was real.

And then Allen had taken a shower and changed and Kanda had sat on their crappy couch in a stiff posture until Allen was done. Allen sat down beside him. Cue awkward silence. And then Kanda stood up and went and got one of his violent movies, one of his best, and he put it on play and sat down besides Allen again while the movie started. He just hated awkward silences so damn much.

As they silently watched the movie they got lost in the lot and began to pay attention. They relaxed. And their subconscious took over. Steadily but surely Allen slowly edged his way over to Kanda without even noticing. And then halfway through the movie it happened. Allen slumped against Kanda and rested his head on his shoulder. Kanda wrapped his arm around Allen without taking his eyes of the TV. Neither noticed anything unusual.

They fell asleep there on the couch. And a few hours later when they woke up it was slow and comfortable, their hangovers gone with the nap. As Allen slowly drifted towards consciousness he noted the nice comforting scent of lotuses and soba, Kanda noted the scent of fresh snow and mitarashi dango, it wasn't all that bad, he could get used to it. They stayed like that four almost half an hour before they both jerked back simultaneously and with wide eyes registered each other's presence. They were spooning on the couch, Kanda's hands wrapped around Allen form behind, pressed against each other to fit on the couch. They awkwardly disentangled from each other.

And it went on like that for about the rest of the week, the two of them barely taking to each other but trying fruitlessly. It seemed like every time they got close to each other they were unable to stop touching each other and saying lovey dovey things before they could restrain themselves.

"You should let your hair loose more often. It looks nice." Allen said one day while passing through the kitchen, Kanda's hair untied because he just couldn't find his damn ribbons which he'd misplaced beneath his bed. Kanda had blushed at the comment and it wasn't before Allen had begun his homework that he realized what he'd said.

"You're really smart." Kanda had murmured absentmindedly as he glanced at Allen who was effortlessly solving equations. Allen had sputtered and Kanda had frozen a moment later after his mind caught up with his mouth.

And that was how the days progressed for about one week full of sexual-tension and unrecognized love.

And on Sunday, one week after the _incident_ (as they'd come to call their drunk sex last Sunday when they got wasted) Kanda had unlocked the door to their living space and Allen had followed him, carrying two bags of groceries. They'd unpacked the groceries and set the food in its place. And then they had been left with nothing to do. And they made eye contact across the kitchen table. And they'd stared at each other for about ten minutes in absolute silence before they both abruptly, at the same time, came to the conclusion that they were madly in love with each other and just said to Hell with it and threw caution to the wind.

Kanda practically leapt across the table and he grabbed Allen by the shoulders. Allen jumped ahead in Kanda's hold and their lips crashed against each other and they started making out. Heavily. Intensely.

And one thing lead to another and the results were that they were both sore and satisfied and they needed a new kitchen table because they'd broken their old one with repeated… hard force. Lavi later observed as he helped carry the broken table out of the living space that it almost looked like someone had repeatedly banged it with a hammer until it gave out. Allen had blushed and sputtered and Kanda had just hit Lavi over the head and avoided eye contact with anything that could talk as he carried the table outside.

And so that was how Allen met his soul mate. Kanda just thought that it was nice that it was his roommate he'd fallen for because that meant that they didn't have to go through a lot of pesky 'moving in together' shit.

* * *

I'm personally very happy with this chapter and I hope you guys liked it as much as I do. Please review!


	28. Smile

**Smile**

It was the smile, really.

Smiles _did _annoy him, but _this _smile was special. This smile wasn't just annoying, it was infuriating.

Kanda was an easily annoyed man. He was grumpy and bitter about his awful life, and to be honest he had every right to be so. He had a rather dark and pessimistic view of the world and he was of the belief that everyone should just stop being so damn happy. What exactly was there to be so happy about? Couldn't they see the dark retched world they lived in that was full of suffering and hate and death and fear? Kanda could not see a single reason to smile so by that logic neither should other people smile.

It was annoying when people smiled.

But Kanda could live with it. When he saw someone smile he didn't go on a frothing rage of murder and mayhem. When he saw someone smile he remained stoically grumpy and went on with his day. Just simply smiling was not enough to earn you a Kanda Special of death threats and blood.

But this smile was special.

When Allen smiled he felt an intense need to _cut _and _kill_ well up in him. There were a lot of reasons for this. Firstly Kanda was a very honest person, so therefore he hated liars, and fakeness was lying and if that smile wasn't fake Kanda didn't know what was. Secondly that smile went against everything he stood for, that smile told the world that yes, he _did _know that the world was a cold and dark cruel place and from experience at that but instead of trying to convey this to the rest of the mindless sheep that consisted of the population of the world with a surly attitude he tried to brighten it up with a fake little smile and some polite words.

And there was a third reason. And Kanda didn't like to think about it.

There was so much pain packed into that one smile that it couldn't be believed. And Kanda didn't want to see that. He knew the world was an ugly place and that… that _smile _seemed to just _scream _that fact. It was like some sort of desperate denial, that smile. _Everything's okay, if I smile then everything is going to be okay _it seemed to say. For some reason Kanda was the only one who saw this.

When he saw that stupid, painful smile all he wanted to do was wipe it off his face. Preferably with the sharp edge of his sword.

Kanda was good at wiping away the smile. He was really good at getting under Allen's skin, and he knew why. He and Allen were very alike yet polar opposites. Allen could have grown up into being him, Kanda could have grown up into being Allen. They had different philosophies about life and different attitudes and tastes of food even but underneath it all they were unnervingly similar and that disturbed Allen to the core. It disturbed Kanda as well. So all he had to do was utter a few rude words and that ugly little smile would disappear, much to his joy, to be replaced by something _real._ It was replaced by annoyance and anger but at least it was something else.

So Allen's smile really, _really _pissed him off. Because it was fake, because it went against everything he stood for, because it was so depressingly sad that it literally made Kanda's heart twinge with pain. And Allen disliked Kanda because Kanda disturbed him to the core, Kanda was like looking into a mirror, Kanda was like getting introspective, Allen hated getting introspective and avoided it at all costs, he hated seeing what he was. Allen hated himself. Yet another reason for Kanda to hate Allen, Kanda hated himself as well, Allen wasn't allowed to hate himself.

They were two very sad miserable people.

They could have cured each other, comforted each other, helped each other. But they weren't able to look past their wounds and hurts to see how good they were for each other, instead all they saw was something warm and kind and therefore unfamiliar and unfamiliar was never good. They were intimate with pain, they couldn't even begin to imagine something worse than something they'd already experienced, something they didn't know. But they didn't know love either, so when they saw love they mistook it for unbearable pain and turned their backs on it.

Two sad, miserable people.

When Kanda would subconsciously sit a little bit closer than was normal Allen would feel his heart skipping a beat. And that scared him like nothing else. The warm feeling that spread through his chest was unfamiliar and therefore scary, therefore it must be painful and must be avoided at all costs. Whenever Allen gave him a rare genuine smile Kanda would feel a fluttery sensation in his stomach and he would feel like he was floating, like he was high. This was so horrible frightening he couldn't even begin to describe it. Kanda tried his best to hate Allen, Allen did so likewise.

And it never worked and they never got better because they were two sad, miserable _broken _people. They had gone through things no one should go through, they'd gone through those things as _children. _They were broken and they were not just going to simply get better.

One guilty man that couldn't stop smiling his fake, polite little smile. One lonely man that couldn't reach out because he was too busy keeping everyone out.

Two sad, miserable broken people.

* * *

Not my best, I know, I just freestyled here. I just wrote stuff the that came to my mind, zero filter. What do you guys think?


	29. Possesed

**Possesed**

"Bean Sprout's possessed." Kanda said flatly as he entered the training room.

The training room was relatively bare with only a few thin mats on the floor to cushion falls and a couple of dusty dumbbells stashed away in the corner because they were too light for strong Exorcists to use. Lavi and Lenalee had been sparring when Kanda entered the room. Lavi had Lenalee's leg captured in a tight grip and Lenalee had just been about to ram the heel of her other leg into the side of his head when Kanda entered.

They blinked at Kanda.

"Allen's… possessed?" Lenalee asked uncertainly when she realized Lavi wasn't going to say anything and Kanda wasn't going to elaborate.

Kanda nodded and took a few steps into the room before sitting down cross-legged position on the floor in his meditation stance, he wasn't meditating though. He was staring off into space with a numb-with-shock expression. Lenalee was worried, Lavi was insanely curious. Lavi let go of Lenalee's leg.

"What do you mean Allen's possessed, Yuu-chan?" Lavi asked as he peered at Kanda intently.

"We need Holy Water. Why don't we have Holy Water? We're Exorcists, we should have Holy Water." Kanda said, ignoring Lavi's question. What worried Lenalee even more was the fact that he'd also ignored the fact that Lavi had called him Yuu-chan.

Kanda looked shell-shocked, his hair was a little bit frazzled like it had been ruffled in some way and his cheeks were a faint pink. His clothes were rumpled and his eyes were glazed over like he was thinking about something else, trying to make sense of something. Lenalee was _very _worried. Lavi was even _more _curious.

"How do you make Holy Water?" Kanda mused to himself.

A weird silence, and then…

"I think it's the Pope's gargle water or something…" Lavi said as he rubbed his chin, seemingly lost in thought.

Lenalee was shocked to realize that he was taking this seriously.

"We have to get the Pope's gargle water. Now." Kanda said.

Lenalee was getting more shocked for each second.

"How are we supposed to get the Pope's gargle water? Wait, does the Pope even gargle water? It could be a sin, lots of things is a sin these days." Lavi said in a reasonable tone that completely contradicted his unreasonable statement.

"We'll _make _him gargle water. We'll force it down his throat. We can do it, we're Exorcists." Kanda said, nodding assertively to himself.

Lenalee numbly reflected that this had to be the longest conversation Kanda and Lavi had had that didn't end up with death threats and attempted decapitations and _please spare mes. _It was surreal.

"What," Lenalee stopped midsentence to swallow dryly when her voice cracked on the first syllable of her sentence, "what did Allen do in the first place? Why's he possessed?"

Lenalee rather thought that if Lavi wasn't going to do it then it was up to her to be the voice of reason in this scene of chaos and pure insanity. Kanda and Lavi having a nonviolent conversation! Blasphemy! (Well admittedly Kanda _had _just suggested forcing water down the Pope's throat, so maybe it wasn't exactly the most peaceful conversation in the history of mankind.)

Lavi looked at her as if he had just realized she was there. She dimly realized that he had been in the middle of wondering how they would sneak their way into the Vatican to get the Pope's forcefully taken gargle water to throw it on Allen, who may or may not be possessed. He undoubtedly knew the blueprints of the place inside out and had actually been in the middle of constructing a plan that would have most likely worked. Lenalee shivered at the close call. Kanda just continued staring into space as he tried to make sense of whatever had happened to him.

Lavi turned to Kanda again.

"Yeah, that's actually a good question. What demon like behavior _did _Allen do to convince you that he's possessed by Satan?" Lavi asked.

This was probably the strangest day in Lenalee's life. Excluding the day she was possessed by a ghost, was only able to say 'meow', Allen got long hair, Lavi and Kanda got shrunk into kids, Noise developed his crush on Miranda, Bookman got bunny ears, all of the occupants of the castle were zombified, and Allen seduced a robot. Nothing could top that. Nothing.

The faint pink on Kanda's cheeks became slightly more solid in color, nearing red. Lavi's fingers twitched, as if he was restraining himself from whipping out his notepad to take notes.

"He… acted strangely." Kanda said, Lenalee imagined his voice would have wavered if it weren't for the fact that he was Yuu Kanda and Yuu Kanda's voice _did not waver. _

"Strange in what way?" Lenalee asked, she was really getting curious now, Kanda was _blushing _after all.

"He- he did some weird stuff." Kanda said, a blank face taking over his features.

Lavi leaned in to hear better. Lenalee made a hand motion to tell Kanda to go on.

"Well, I was just over at the baths and then Al- I mean Bean Sprout came in." Kanda said. Had he just almost called Allen by his name?

"And he was staring at me a lot and his face was really hot, probably from the heat. But he got out pretty fast, something about having to train. And then I got out to because I'd been in there long enough. But then the idiot tripped and dragged me down with him. And my towel slipped. And his face got really, really red. And our lips sort of crashed against each other. He ran out of the place without a word. So I dressed really fast and ran here, because I felt like doing some running." Kanda said.

Lenalee thought that had to be the most Kanda had ever talked in his entire life. He was a man of few words. He was the growling, grunting, snarling, bit-out clipped-words type, the type of guys that made animal noises whenever that would suffice instead of a few words. He didn't really much like talking.

Kanda's face was beet red now, as was Lenalee's. Lavi had succumbed to rapid note-taking, unable to resist the urge any longer.

"I- I don't think Allen's possessed…" Lenalee said in a high-pitched, squeaky tone of voice. She sounded like she'd just inhaled helium.

Lavi was muttering to himself about psychology and how much of an impact this would make on future history and the war. Lenalee felt dizzy. Kanda's eyes finally focused on her as if she'd just said the craziest thing in the world. Lenalee felt naked under his scrutiny.

Her heart was hammering in her chest and her face was extremely hot because holy shit Kanda and Allen had kissed. They'd been pressed against each other on the floor naked and Allen liked Kanda. Holy shit! Holy shit on a stick this was _huge. _

"Well what other explanation is there?" Kanda said.

Lavi was still taking notes. Lenalee gulped.

"I-I'm just saying that… that Allen might have just been embarrassed. Because of the kiss. And the nakedness." Lenalee said reasonably without telling Kanda the obvious, his poor frail little mind wasn't ready for that.

"Yes, but… there was more than that. On my way here Alle- I mean Bean Sprout ran over to me and he told me that he'd been looking all over for me and he'd decided that he'd finally tell me 'how he really feels' and shit like that. And then he pressed me up against the wall and ripped my jacket of and untied my hair and I think I was just molested." Kanda said.

Lavi's note-taking became noticeably more frantic and Lenalee thought she'd faint.

_Holy shit on a stick._

Allen had- had _ravaged_ Kanda. Maybe she'd take a look at those Vatican blueprints after all.

"How did you feel about his actions, mister Kanda?" Lavi said.

His tone was professional and emotionless, pen posed above the lined paper as he stared intently at Kanda. Kanda's red face became, if possible, even redder.

"What do you mean?" Kanda said.

"Did this make you feel good? Did you participate in mister Walker's actions?" Lavi said and Kanda blushed so much that Lenalee was genuinely afraid for his health and that was all the answer Lavi apparently needed as he started scribbling madly at his notepad.

Lenalee finally gave up the fight and admitted to herself that maybe this was weirder than the day they were attacked by zombies while moving.

And then she fainted.


	30. Little

**Little**

It was the little things that made Kanda fall for Allen. Well he of course loved (and, to some degree, hated) his main traits as well, but it was the little things that constantly reminded him why he was there and why he was going to stick with that one annoying martyr for the rest of his life.

When someone asked Kanda what he loved about Allen his first reaction was to tell them that it wasn't any of their business right before he swung at them with Mugen. But he was embarrassed to admit (to himself and himself only) that when someone asked him this question the first thing to pop into his head was this: Allen's sneeze. It was a cute sneeze. When Allen felt a sneeze coming on he'd cover it up with a little handkerchief that appeared out of nowhere (he also never seemed to run out of the frilly little things). The sneeze was short and quiet and absolutely adorable.

So. One of the little things Kanda love about Allen was his cute little sneeze.

The second little thing was the way he drank things. When Allen ate he did impossibly, disgustingly fast. He ate food in a way that made people wonder with numb horror if he even tasted the food, he ate more food than was physically possible and he did so with ease and speed. But when he drank things he did it elegantly. If it was something hot he'd blow on it a bit first and then he would tentatively sip at it. If it was something with a straw he'd wrap his rosy lips around the straw in a very, very suggestive way that drove Kanda _crazy. _

So the second little thing he loved about Allen was the way he drank things.

And the third little thing he loved about Allen was just as embarrassing as the first two. The first thing Kanda did in the morning when he woke up was look at his side to see Allen lying next to him. And then he'd reach out his hand and touch Allen, see if he was real. He wasn't able to properly function in the morning without checking if Allen was real first thing in the morning. And when Kanda touched Allen, Allen would unconsciously in his sleep do the fucking cutest thing ever. He'd lean into the touch of Kanda's hand. Adorable.

So the way he leaned into Kanda's touch in his sleep was the third little thing he loved about him.

And then there was the way he balled his hands into fists when they fought. And how he always hummed when he let him brush and tie his hair. And how he always made sure to sit close enough to him whenever he had the chance so that he could bump his knee with Kanda's. And how he commit a triple back flip flawlessly without even thinking about it yet he couldn't go a single day without breaking, dropping, getting a paper cut, tripping, or spilling something. How every time he touched him his touch would linger just a moment longer than normal. How he couldn't go a single day without kissing him at least once.

But his absolute favorite little thing about him had to be that he'd be in a sullen mood the entire day until he told him that he loved him.

* * *

I know this chapters short but I have been struggling _all day _to come up with a sufficient story idea for you guys so just be happy that I wrote anything at all. If you liked it review it!


	31. Weird

**Weird**

Allen and Kanda had a weird relationship. They bickered like an old married couple already and they'd done so even before they'd gotten together. They'd cuddle together during the night and then spend most of the entire morning bitching to each other about how they won't stop stealing the blanket and kicking and suffocating them in their sleep. They'd fight alongside one another and protect each other with their lives the first day and the second they'd be doing their best to decapitate the other. They'd flirt and be all lovey dovey in one moment and in the next they'd be exchanging death threats with weapons at each other's throats.

When people found out they were together they stared, mouths gaping open. To some people it was obvious, like Lavi and Lenalee. But to be fair they had been the ones whining about how they were meant to be even before they'd gotten together. Some people speculated that it was because they were polar opposites; they wondered if what Kanda and Allen had was what happened when you repeatedly tried to force two puzzle pieces that didn't quite fit into each other together. They wondered if Kanda and Allen's relationship just wasn't meant to be.

They were just too different.

Allen was polite and kind, Kanda was rude and mean. Allen was pleasant, Kanda was nasty. Allen was forgiving, Kanda never forgot a grudge. Allen never judged, Kanda (within the moment he sets eyes on you, sometimes even _before _he meets you) will have your entire personality mapped out in his head. Allen was the sun, Kanda was the moon. It was just the way it was.

And they went ahead and dared to try and defy nature. The world told them that they couldn't possibly have a successful relationship and they took that as their invitation to screw once every day and twice on Fridays. Fate told them to do one thing and they went ahead and did the direct opposite with a go lucky fuck-you attitude. They went against the stream. They did what people said was impossible and they did it while looking really, really epically cool.

Oh so they couldn't love each other was that right? Well then, too bad for you because they'd just decided that they were soul mates, right now, just to spite you.

Nothing could keep 'em down. Nothing.

True love and all that.

Kanda preferred green tea to Earl Grey and Allen spat on that green puddle water Kanda dared call tea. Allen liked cloudy days and Kanda loathed them with a passion, his favorite weather being a nice and sunny sun with a bright blue sky. Allen liked to describe himself as personable and Kanda liked to describe himself as "better than you". They had an epic romance going on and they'd break through each and every obstacle head first without thinking about the consequences. One thing they did have in common was the fact that they got a lot of concussions. Don't ask.

They were a weird fucked up couple but they were happy.

* * *

Short, I know, but I wanted to be a bit introspective and stuff and _this _is what I trucked out. What do you guys think?


	32. Outsider

**Outsider**

There were two different Kanda's. There was the Kanda that the outsiders saw and then there was the real Kanda. The Kanda that the outsiders saw, the first one, was quite easy to describe: it was just all over unpleasant. Outsider Kanda was mean, rude, selfish, arrogant, and hated all things that breathed. When people saw Kanda all they saw was Outsider Kanda.

Outsider Kanda made people wonder why Allen (the kindest, most polite person in the world), Lenalee (the innocent sweetheart with the cute face) and Lavi (the good-natured jokester with the surprisingly good grades) hung out with him, made them wonder why the trio claimed the bitter man as their best friend to his loud and unending protests.

But what they didn't know was that there was an Inside Kanda, and what they saw in the personable trio was merely their Outsider personalities. Lavi found it deliciously ironic that the nicest one among the four of them was the most hated, that if you were kind and innocent you were perceived as a monster and that if you were jaded and violent you were perceived as a humble saint.

Insider Kanda was the true Kanda, Outsider Kanda being a mere wall to protect himself, a mask if you will. Insider Kanda on the other hand was completely different. While Outsider Kanda hated all human beings Insider Kanda merely wished that he hated everyone even though he didn't. Insider Kanda listened to what everyone was saying, even if it was that dunce the Rabbit, or that nerd Johnny. Insider Kanda had people he actually loved. Insider Kanda was a human being that felt compassion for other human beings.

The trio could see this Kanda, the true Kanda. They could see him and they could see he was lonely and misunderstood so they took him in.

Outsider Allen was kind and humble. Insider Allen every bit as understanding and forgiving as his Outsider personality but he was a bit more jaded, a bit more violent, and a whole lot more morbid and cynical. His general philosophy on life was depressing and bleak and if anyone were to hear it their entire month would be ruined and they'd never see anything the same way again. Insider Allen felt the occasion all-consuming need to break someone's spine while laughing at them, though he suppressed it of course. Insider Allen would not be surprised if he was randomly diagnosed with terminal cancer one day, wouldn't so much as blink, it would be just his luck after all.

Outsider Lavi was a carefree jokester with friends and smarts. Insider Lavi was basically just a self-destructive loop of guilt, self-hate, curiosity and knowledge. Insider Lavi desperately clung to a self-depreciating happy sense of humor that could put a joyful spin to generally any situation. It was some sort of coping mechanism that ensured that he wouldn't start asking himself 'what's it all mean?' questions because those sorts of questions led to suicide and full-blown insanity.

Outsider Lenalee was nice and mild-tempered, in other words she had bucket loads of common sense. Insider Lenalee was desperate, violent, unreasonable, and more than slightly manic and loved her precious people so much that it hurt them. In other words she was sort of like her brother. If anything were to happen to her friends or brother she would avenge them. Brutally. She would not be persuaded to back down and she'd tear whatever was before her with a vengeance. If they were to try and leave her of their own accord she'd tie them up and stash them in her basement until she convinced them that leaving really wasn't in their best interests. Literally.

So they were a sort of mixed group really. Kanda with his tough outer shell (coughTsunderecough), Allen with his fake happy smile and cynical word-view, Lavi with his forced cheer and assessing eyes, and Lenalee with her laidback attitude that his her violent love for her boys.

Honestly the outsiders should wonder why _Kanda_ was hanging out with _them_.

* * *

Please review!


	33. Purpose

**Purpose**

Kanda woke up that morning feeling strange.

He was a single business man who worked at a successful oil company. He had a nice tidy apartment in New York in a relatively good neighborhood; there were only so many good neighborhoods in New York that he could actually afford. He was happy with where he was in life, sure a little more money wouldn't hurt and some excitement to spice things up would be very much appreciated but there wasn't any reason to be unhappy with his life. He was happy (or at least as happy as Kanda was capable of being). Really. He just woke up feeling odd that morning.

It was as if his purpose in life was being threatened, was clinging to its tiny, fraying thread of life and its grip was loosening and there was nothing he could do for it. He shook of the unexplainable meaningless feeling.

It was a Sunday so he didn't have to work, didn't have to do anything. Kanda would usually use his Sunday to clean up the apartment, watch some TV, take a walk, practice his kendo with his precious Mugen, but Kanda didn't feel like doing any of those things, well, to be more precise that taking a walk thing sounded okay. He was feeling restless and tired and jumpy and depressed and… _hollow. _He didn't know why he felt that way, nothing special had happened lately, he couldn't even remember what he'd dreamt about. He didn't feel like being productive at all. He felt like a whiny pathetic Emo kid.

Kanda had stared at his ceiling for maybe an hour with a blank expression on his face before he'd forced himself to stand up even though he'd seen no reason to do so. He'd made himself take one slow measured step at the time to the bathroom. He was standing in front of his mirror. He leaned in and opened his mouth, he didn't see anything unusual. He brought up a hand to his face and pulled down the skin under his eye to see the red stuff, it didn't look unusual. Kanda didn't really feel sick. He just felt that horrible hollow feeling that was telling him that none of it mattered.

Was this a mid-life crisis? Wasn't it a bit too early for that? He was still in his twenties.

He looked at his reflection closely. Intimidating chest tattoo, long dark blueish hair, normal skin tone, his eyes looked a bit different though. He smoothed back his messy just-woke-up fringe to look at both of his eyes closely. They were still both dark and healthy. His eye lashes were the same proportions, he was still blinking the same way, his eyebrows were okay, but there was something different with his eyes. He peered closer. And then he noticed. His eyes were shining, stinging, burning. He was holding back tears.

Kanda stared at his reflection in shock. Why was he on the verge of crying? Kanda couldn't remember when he'd last cried or even felt the urge to do so. There was nothing wrong, he was okay, and he was unhurt in all ways. Why did he feel like all was lost?

And then he snorted at himself self-deprecatingly not because he felt like snorting but because this would normally be when he'd realize what an idiot he was being and snort at himself. But Kanda didn't really see any reason to snort; he didn't see any reason to do anything. Kanda just has the odd feeling that life sucked so hard at that moment and he would never be okay again. It was awful feeling.

It was almost as if there was no reason to live anymore and he should just give up and kill himself. Almost as if his purpose in life had been snuffed out. Like he had no future. No fate. Nothing to look forward to.

Somewhere Allen Walker, after three hours of intense surgery, was declared dead.

The tears finally fell and Kanda didn't know why and he was unable to bring himself to care.

* * *

One of my reviewers just informed me that something was up with my chapter so I checked it out and I saw that I'd accidentally fucked up and posted the entire fic in one chapter! Damn, do I feel like a moron.


	34. Lucky

**Lucky**

"I'm lucky I guess…" Lavi said to himself with an oddly hollow tone to his voice.

Lavi wasn't one to normally talk to himself, but he couldn't bring himself to find a reason as for not to. There was no one there to hear him; he might as well talk, just to hear another voice.

Lavi looked up at the sky, the ever present mischievous twinkle in his eye snuffed out, that he knew at least. He didn't know what he looked like; there wasn't a mirror to check his reflection. He couldn't feel his face, he was unable to force it into any expression, and he didn't see any reason to do so anyways. He didn't see a reason to do anything. He didn't know if he was smiling or if he looked angry or sad or jealous. He wasn't sure, he just felt numb.

Lavi looked up at the sky.

The sky was covered by a blanket of dull grey clouds, the temperature just a bit on the chilly side, a biting wind occasionally passing by.

Lavi looked up at the sky.

He didn't really feel like looking anywhere else. He didn't really feel like trying to scramble for the broken shards of his hope once more, not right then at least. He was tired of trying to hope, he'd done so much of it in just that one day. He didn't feel like looking at what was surrounding him.

When he'd woken up he'd been disoriented and confused. His vision had been fuzzy, he'd felt stiff and cold and sore, his ears had been ringing and the smell of burning flesh and blood had hit him like a punch to the face. Normally he'd immediately become aware, as an Exorcist and Bookman in training he should always be aware. The smell of blood and burning bodies should have made his eye spring open as he jumped to his feet, hand flying for his hammer as he scanned his surroundings for enemies. But he hadn't done that. He didn't know why. He'd been perfectly capable of it. he'd just felt like letting nature take its course and let him wake up nice and slow, rather enjoying the sensation of not knowing where he was or what had happened or even who he was. It had felt nice.

But there had been no stopping of the inevitable, merely the prolonging of sweet blissful oblivion. Lavi had almost forgotten what it felt like, the incredible feeling of not knowing something, the amazing sensation of knowing that you didn't know something that you shouldn't know in the first place, that it was for your better good and you were doing your best to keep it that way. It made Lavi wonder why he'd even become a Bookman in training anyways.

But then eventually that blissful oblivion had disappeared, leaving him to explore his surroundings. He'd stood up and looked around with a grim feeling of _something bad _in his stomach. A premonition.

He'd woken up to rubble. Smoking rubble. There were dark smoking, scorched stones everywhere, shattered glass splattered with blood, dead bodies everywhere. The truly sad thing was that he hadn't recognized the ruin straight away, but his brilliant mind had eventually fitted the pieces together. The Black Order. He was at the castle. The dead bodies were all disintegrating akuma that they'd managed to defeat and the rest were dead Finders and scientists. There had been a depressing majority of dead Finders and scientist, the disintegrating akuma sparse.

His mouth had fallen slack and he'd slowly, disbelievingly turned around in a circle to take in the view of the formerly grand castle. Bodies, blood, rubble, glass, akuma bodies, smoke, nothing more. There had been no movement, nobody else around. Lavi had felt the first stirrings of true panic around then. And then he'd opened his mouth to croak out a cry for help, a shout of 'is anyone there?' or maybe just a scream of fear and shock. He actually didn't know what he was going to say before he said it.

"Y-Yuu-chan…" he'd croaked, barely a whisper really, a pathetic cry for his best friend that would be impossible to hear.

He'd taken a deep breath.

"YUU-CHAN!" he'd roared as loudly as he could.

"YUU-CHAAAN! ALLEN! OLD MAN! LENALEE! KRORY! KOMUI! JERRY! MIRANDA! JOHNNY! REEVER! YUUUUU-CHAAAN!"

His shouts had not been comical in the slightest. They had been desperate animalistic pleas for him to please not be alone. They had been a cry for his best friend. A yell for the closest thing he had to a family. A shout for the only people he knew, begging for a familiar face, someone kind and understanding that would help him keep it together, someone that would give him a reason to live, to keep being Lavi the jokester, Lavi that funny guy that dared call the scary swordsman Yuu-chan, Lavi the junior Bookman.

Most of all he'd shouted for his best friend.

It had quickly stopped being shouting, or yelling or anything as manly and levelheaded as that. Soon enough he was screaming. Screaming and shrieking with tears streaming down his face as he ran around the rubble that used to be the castle. He'd flung rubble to and for looking for a familiar face that would let out a raspy breath, a few coughs of blood and a tired smile.

At some point he finally found someone.

He'd found the Old man first. His head had been poking out between two huge stone gargoyles. There had been no tired smile or raspy breath waiting for him, only glazed over eyes and silence. It was then that his face had gone numb, when his screams for friends had gone silent and the twinkle had been snuffed out.

Everything from there was a blur. He had vague memories of silently dragging the man that had been like a grandfather to him out from between the gargoyles. He could barely remember leaving the body somewhere and then leaving in the search for more, a hundred percent certain that there would only be more glazed over eyes and silence waiting for him, no tired smiles anywhere. And he'd found more.

He'd found Komui lying next to Lenalee, their hands reaching for each other as if they had been trying to hold hands in their last moments, fingertips just shy of grazing the other's. He'd found a body that had been burned to a crisp, the corpse resembling a human shaped piece of coal. Somehow he'd just know that that had been Reever. And he'd found Krory, a husk, a mummy, something that only vaguely resembled a human, drained dry. And there had been Miranda, a gaping hole in her chest. And he'd found Johnny as well, his lower body crushed flat underneath a huge piece of rubble. And he'd found Jerry covered from head to toe in painful looking cuts. Allen hadn't looked hurt in any way, his clothes spotless, his hair unruffled; his eyes closed peacefully, his little forgiving 'I understand' smile on his face. But he'd still been dead, and Lavi was willing to bet the world on the fact that his death had probably been the most painful of all.

And then he'd found Kanda's corpse, Yuu-chan's body, his dead best friend. His ribbon had fallen off in the fight, his brilliant hair fanned out around his head like a halo on the ground. Blood that most certainly was his stained his uniform yet there were no wounds. But there was something else about his body that made Lavi's heart palpitate. His chest tattoo wasn't a mere chest tattoo anymore, it had crept up from the collar of his shirt like a vine and it had winded its way everywhere over Kanda's body. His hands, his face, his neck and throat, probably every inch of skin underneath his uniform. But that wasn't even the worst. Lavi wasn't even sure how he'd recognized Kanda's body. The halo of hair spread around Kanda's head had been an ethereal silver, his frame scrawny and weak looking, his face covered by scowling wrinkles, crow's feet surrounding his wide open eyes. It was the eyes that had struck him the most, they had been several shades paler then they had been in life, but there was also a horrible glint of confused panic that Lavi, as a junior Bookman, knew all too well. Kanda had died senile. Old and senile, his curse mark having finally sucked the last drop of life out of him.

He could have lived if it weren't for the curse. He could have lived and given Lavi a reason to say Lavi, good ol' alive and cheery Lavi. But the curse had killed him. Turned him into a scared senile old man that didn't know what was going on.

Lavi's face had remained numb through all of this. He had dragged each and every body to the place where he had left his maternal grandfathers body.

Lavi looked at the sky.

He looked at the bleak colorless sky because he knew that if he looked back down he would see what he had made. He had dragged all of the bodies of his friends and arranged them in a morbid circle of despair around him. Seemed like something Allen would have done.

Lavi wondered what his face looked like. He remembered that Lenalee carried a pocket mirror with her everywhere. He finally looked down. If possible his face became more numb, Lavi wondered if it was some sort of self-preservation tactic that his genes were performing in the unreasonable hopes that he wouldn't go insane and kill himself.

He wondered why he had been the one to live. He was alive yet more alone then he'd ever been.

"Lucky…" he whispered to himself in that eerie hollow voice.

His friends all surrounding him in a circle, lying on their backs as they stared at the grey sky. He walked over to Lenalee. He'd intertwined her and Komui's fingers together. He'd done the same for Allen and Kanda, he knew what they could have been together, he'd seen the moments were they'd just _look _at it each other and seemingly draw strength from each other without even realizing they were doing it.

He reached into Lenalee's pocket. His hand closed around something round and cold and metal. Ah, there it was. He retrieved the closed pocket mirror and stared at the pink thing for awhile as he wondered what expression he was wearing. Was he angry? Was he sad? Was he confused? Was he in denial? He didn't know. He couldn't feel his face, only his erratic heart that seemed to be trying to give out on him in a sheer fit of desperation to kill itself.

He opened the mirror. He stared at his reflection for a long time.

At least he'd been right about the twinkle, not a sparkle in sight.

He wasn't angry. He wasn't sad. He wasn't confused. He wasn't in denial.

His face was like porcelain. His face so smooth and pale looking, smudged with soot and gravel and blood. He reminded himself of a Greek statue. He wasn't frowning or scowling or glaring or sobbing hysterically or shouting or biting his lip. His face was emotionless, completely empty, as hollow as his voice, as numb as it felt. But there were tears. His face was emotionless, yet a silent steady flow of tears streamed down his face. The tears quietly dripped down onto the dirt ground. The look in his eye was as empty as those of the corpses surrounding him, his face as blank as a statue. But he was crying, yet he felt nothing.

He wasn't sad or angry or confused. He wasn't surprised either. Some part deep, deep inside of him had seen this coming. He was resigned to the fact that his life had been crushed by the hand of the Earl and then stomped and danced upon by his akuma and spat upon by his Noah.

Lavi closed the mirror and put it back in Lenalee's pocket.

He was numb.

He was alone.

He was _lucky_.

Lavi looked at the sky.

* * *

Lavi-centric! Kinda angsty I know, what do you guys think?


	35. Illness

**Illness**

Kanda wondered if he'd gotten some sort of terminal disease. It was the only explanation, the only possibility. But then again he had perfect health his entire life and had never heard about his symptoms with an ill person before so there was the only possibility out of the window leaving him with an impossible to explain illness.

It was mainly his heart that hurt. It would skip beats and loudly thud and sometimes it would simply thunder away like a galloping horse. Though sometimes his stomach would hurt too, sometimes there'd be a hot liquid feeling at the bottom of it, or a fluttery ticklish sensation as if there were a bunch of butterflies trapped in there or he'd just feel queasy for no particular reason. And sometimes his blood pressure soared, blood rushing to his face making him dizzy and disoriented and feeling foolish and doing unreasonable things.

He hadn't noticed it at first. It had been a gradual thing, starting out as something invisible that slowly escalated until he was suddenly left with something that had seemingly popped out of nowhere but had really just been sneaking up on him slowly but surely.

He'd get up, do some pushups, take a quick shower, dress, eat breakfast and grab his bag and be out of there. He'd be totally okay and then he'd get to school. The idiot rabbit would hug him from behind and Kanda would snarl and twist around to rip him off his frame so that he could properly strangle him. No thundering heart and no butterflies yet. And then Lenalee would arrive and giggle at them and say hello and Kanda would grunt at her with disinterest. No signs of illness yet. And then Allen, the Bean Sprout, Moyashi, that annoying little Samaritan would walk up to them. He'd walk up with his stupid fake little smile and wave his gloved hand at them. It was then that the illness would finally kick in.

His heart would skip a beat; a hoard of butterflies would start fluttering madly in his stomach, his knees would go weak, his face would feel hot as all sounds faded out due to the thunderous rush of blood rushing through his veins, and worst of the entire world would freeze. For a moment everyone would stop moving, stop breathing, stop talking, stop making noise, stop distracting him, he'd see the frozen form of Allen in mid-wave and he'd notice every single detail. The way the passing breeze mussed up his bright white hair, the way there was a bit of jam at the corner of his mouth unnoticed, the way he held himself, every single one of his snowy eyelashes, the exact shade of cream his skin was, the way his barely noticeable dimples appeared when he smiled. And then the world would start up again just like that leaving Kanda feeling strange and confused with a hot face, a hoard of butterflies inside his body, and a malfunctioning heart.

He had no idea why his illness seemed to trigger around Allen. He'd briefly tried to avoid him but that had only seemed to make the illness worse. His heart had constantly ached, he had felt sick and tired and stressed, and he'd been unable to sleep, unable to stop thinking about Allen, worst week of his life. He'd quickly stopped trying that and when he'd grunted hello to Allen that Monday morning the way his silver eyes flashed with relief had made him feel more guilty than he'd ever been in his entire life.

Kanda glared at nothing in particular as he brooded over his peculiar Allen disease while the teacher blathered on about something that wasn't particularly interesting enough to grab his hard to get attention. He continued glaring at generally nothing as he hated generally everything until it was lunch. He wouldn't have noticed if it weren't for the screech of all the chairs in the room scraping across the floor at the same time. He scowled some more and retrieved his lunch from his bag. Allen and Lavi and Lenalee wordlessly stood up as well and followed him as they walked up to the roof. Not many people ate at the roof therefore Kanda liked it and since Kanda ate there so did the rest of the idiots that called themselves his friends.

They reached the roof and sat down, unpacked their lunch boxes and started eating. Lenalee and Lavi were locked in some sort of heated debate about whether or not The Hobbit and The Lords of the Rings trilogy were in the same category with Allen at the side throwing in occasional comments and opinions. Kanda ignored them and ate his soba.

It was a nice enough day, a bright blue sky, warm sunlight, an occasional cloud offering some much needed shade to accompany the rare breeze, there were even a few chirping birds. Kanda thought it was slightly disgusting how picturesque the day was, bad shit always happened on pretty days.

At some point Kanda tuned his friends out with ease coming from years of practice and he just enjoyed his soba.

And then suddenly…

"Hey, try this out Kanda. It's delicious!" said an oh-so familiar voice as a fancy looking pastry was shoved into his face.

The pastry was covered in whipped cream and sprinkles and something orange. There was a bite of it missing. Kanda shoved the hand holding the pastry out of his face to glare at Allen. There was a bit of cream at the corner of his mouth, a smile on his face (a smile he didn't mind seeing as it was genuine). Kanda immediately noticed how Allen was leaning horribly close, breaching his personal bubble without a thought. He could smell Allen from how close he was, he could smell the honey shampoo he'd used that morning, the pastry he'd just taken a bite of, his deodorant, and that odd impossible scent of fresh snow that always clung to him.

And there was the galloping heartbeat and hot liquid at the bottom of his stomach.

Kanda stared for a moment at Allen, and then at the pastry. Allen had already taken a bite out of it. Kanda didn't know why that was so important, so hypnotically enticing. He didn't even like pastries. Kanda took the pastry without a word. He casually twisted it around so that the spot he was taking a big bite out of was exactly where Allen had taken a bite out of it as well.

(_An indirect kiss…)_

It was far too sweet for his tastes and was annoyingly creamy and soft. It tasted of peaches and whipped cream; he hated the texture as much as the taste. But there was something else. Kanda was sure he just imagined it but he swore he could just taste a bit of an aftertaste of Allen's saliva. He flushed but Allen didn't seem to notice.

He handed the pastry back to Allen, avoiding eye contact as he nodded jerkily.

"G-good…" he muttered despite not actually liking the pastry.

Allen beamed and took another bite out of his pastry. He bit where Kanda had taken a bite out of the pastry. His heart thumped and he felt flustered. Stupid illness…

And after that Kanda was unable to tune out again so he just silently watched Allen consume a horrifying amount of food. It was halfway through lunch break that the much awaited bad shit hit the fan. Fucking fairytale weather…

First there was giggling, annoying insistent giggling that was getting progressively closer. He looked up with annoyance to see a couple of girls urging on another girl. Her hair was short and spiky and slightly blueish. Her skin was the darkest Kanda had ever seen, her eyes flashing yellow in the rays of the bright sun. She looked to be a freshman, but she looked even younger than that, short and thin and little as she was. She walked over to them like she owned the place. Kanda instinctively hated her guts.

She wore a coy smirk on her face and walked with a confident cutesy gait. She stopped right in front of Allen who looked up from his food at her. Lenalee and Lavi stopped their movie argument that had somehow degenerated to an argument about short peoples eating habits to look as well.

"Hi, the name's Road." She said in a voice that grated on Kanda's ears.

"Um… I'm Allen." Allen said uncertainly.

Road nodded as if in confirmation and then turned around without another word. Silence. Kanda had a bad feeling about her.

The next day during lunch it was another ominously pretty day. Road walked up to Allen again while Kanda had been concentrating on his food.

"I like pumpkins." That grating voice had said out of nowhere and Kanda's eyes had snapped over to where she was standing in front of Allen from his soba.

Allen stared at her in response to her admittedly out of the blue comment. Road stood there, hands on her hips and feet spread wide as she looked at him expectantly with her odd gold eyes.

"I… like them too?" Allen said.

Apparently that was the wrong thing to say because she didn't make any indication that Allen had just spoken, remaining in her statue pose.

"I… don't like octopuses?" Allen tried instead.

That was new information to Kanda, why the Hell would he have anything against octopuses? Fuck, was that random.

Road nodded again, taking in the information. She then turned imperiously around, but not before doing something else. First she winked suggestively at Allen, his face turned bright red and he spluttered, and then she turned her gaze to Kanda. And there was another frozen moment now, when the world stood still. But this was different from when the world would freeze around Allen and he'd take in every single detail. Now it froze and Kanda was taken into her eyes, and he saw what look she was giving him. An arrogant challenging look. The bitch. And then the world started up again and she spun around and pranced off.

Lavi and Lenalee exchanged a look before breaking out into guffaws of laughter. Allen spluttered some more before turning back to his food. Kanda fumed.

That _bitch. _She _challenged _him! And with every expectation that he'd lose at that! He didn't really know what exactly she'd challenged him to except that it had something to do with Allen.

Kanda inched closer to Allen protectively and glared in Road's direction. She glanced at him and laughed derisively across the roof. He'd show her. He'd show her good.

Allen looked at him curiously when he inched close enough that their thighs were touching and knees bumping against each other's.

"What are you doing Kanda?" he'd asked.

"Cold," Kanda had grunted.

Allen had given him an odd look before turning back to his lunch.

Road smirked to herself. Some jealousy always pushed things along. She had simply seen an opportunity to bring together two sexy guys and taken it, it had been too easy. She laughed once more as she saw Kanda inch even closer to Allen, pressed up against him as they ate. She could even see the albinos blush from where she was sitting across the roof. Another good deed done, sorta.


	36. Chaos

**Chaos**

There was something called the chaos butterfly effect theory. A chaos butterfly was an example of how small insignificant actions could have huge consequences. This was the chaos butterfly theory: a harmless butterfly flying around flaps its wings, and that little flap sets into motion air currents that cause a gigantic roaring typhoon in the pacific or something. Small actions had grand consequences.

Something like this is about to happen.

A man, an unimportant man that really doesn't have anything to do with the story, gets up. He switches on the television, there is nothing on. If he had bothered to flip the channels just for thirty more seconds he would have found an interesting movie, watched it, and decided to marry a girl that looked like the heroine, married a girl that looked like the heroine, conceived a son who was charismatic and honest and hardworking, and the son would have eventually become the president of the United states of America and manage to pay all of Americas debt within three years and bringing forth the golden age. Unfortunately he didn't bother flipping the channels for just a measly thirty more seconds and instead turns off the television with a bored sigh.

He decided to go on a walk. He grabs his coat and forgets to bring his wallet, now this is vital to the chaos butterfly effect, seriously. He walks outside and walks at random. He sees a fork in the road and takes right. If he'd taken left he'd eventually walked through a dark alley where he would be assaulted by a mugger who would stab him because he'd forgotten his wallet. But he took the right. It leads to the park. The man sees an ice cream stand and walks over suddenly feeling a craving for some strawberry ice cream. He reaches into his pocket and retrieves the only thing in his pocket, a receipt for some milk and Trojan condoms he still hasn't had the opportunity to use. He growls and throws the receipt at the ground and stalks off.

A girl sees this and curiously picks up the receipt and turns to her mother and asks her what condoms are. Her mother flushed and told her to get rid of that garbage and buys her an ice cream to distract her from the question. The girl asks her brother later what a condom is who actually tells her the truth, she now needs to know what sex is so she Goggles it. She immediately gives her virginity to the first boy that shows her interest after her first period five years later when she'd thirteen because she is very intimate with the idea of sex and internet porn, a miracle she discovered at the mere age of eight thanks to a condom receipt.

This boy who has lost his virginity at the ripe age of thirteen boasts it to his friends, showing pictures she let him take as proof. One of his friends, who is still a virgin and will stay so for eleven more years, sulks for the rest of the week. His mother who is worried for him decides to make his favorite dinner which is coincidentally fish sticks, her husband hates fish sticks with a passion and they get into a heated argument that ends with the wife stabbing her husband. Shocked at what she has done she kills herself. That is what her son comes home to. This traumatic experience makes him run out of the house crying hysterically.

As he runs down the street like a maniac he bumps into a certain man that has everything to do with this story. The man is twenty one years old and is a part-time cashier that is living the life, and due to his grumpy attitude is depressingly single (even though he wouldn't admit to it being depressing even if you ripped his limbs off one by one). The man is holding a paper bag full of vegetables that he has just bought. As the hysterical boy bumps into him he drops the bag and the vegetables spill out everywhere and he swears.

He bends down to pick up his vegetables and a white haired man across the street sees him. The white haired man, who is a well-meaning Samaritan who commits a good deed every time he gets the chance, walks across the street over to the swearing man and helps him pick up his vegetables. He smiles at the other man and notes his androgynous beauty, his long blueish hair, what suspiciously looks like a sword hanging of his belt. The long haired man in turn takes note of the Samaritan's snow white hair and unusual pentagram scar and how he's wearing gloves despite the hot day.

"Hi, my names Allen, Allen Walker." Allen Walker says bringing out his hand to shake.

"Kanda," Kanda says simply as he shakes the hand.

He isn't one to shake hands when offered but the guy had just helped him out for no reason, not that meant he was obligated to be nice to the freak or anything but Kanda guessed he shouldn't be an asshole until given a reason.

And that was the beginning of a long and colorful relationship.

So because the man didn't flip through the channels for just thirty more seconds, because he took the right road, because he threw down the condom receipt in anger, because that little girl found out about sex early on in life and gave herself to the first boy who asked, because that boy bragged, because that boy's friend sulked, because that boy's mother tried to make his favorite food to cheer him up, because the enraged father got into a fight with his wife, because the wife lost control of herself and stabbed her husband, because she killed herself, because the son found them and ran out of the house screaming, because he bumped into Kanda, because he dropped his groceries, because Allen happened to see him and help him out, something amazing happened.

Allen and Kanda met, they talked, got to know each other, had their first fight and many more, drunkenly shared their life stories, traded phone numbers on an impulse, called each other, hung out, found out the other's interests, favorites, preferences, hobbies, tastes and ticks and pet peeves.

And they did some pretty awesome stuff together as well.

They got into a feud with the Noah family after a series of coincidences, stole a golf cart and were chased by a bull, accidentally ate happy brownies, celebrated New Years together, met some Chinese chick called Lenalee and her boyfriend Lavi who instantly declared Kanda as his best friend, they gave each other nicknames meant to annoy, got some scars together, got into fights, got into a car crash, delivered Lenalee's baby while in traffic inside a taxi, escaped Road's and Tyki's wrath, went scuba diving just because, watched Die Hard, learned that Kanda was allergic to peanuts the hard way, had dozens of zombie debates, and snuck into a post office through the vents.

Also they fell in love.

_That _was the chaos butterfly effect. And certainly, Allen and Kanda's love really _did _resemble a gigantic roaring typhoon in the pacific. It was unpredictable, dangerous, exciting, and a true unbeatable force of nature.

* * *

This fic was entirely based of the web comic Subnormality. Google it sometime, it's worth a quick Google, you'll love it, trust me.


	37. Threat

**Threat**

Allen liked it when Kanda let his hair loose. A lot. He just thought the way the long blueish hair swayed when he walked and blew in the wind and clung to his neck and back when he was neck was incredibly sexy. It was a major turn on of his. So major in fact that Allen went out of his way to make sure that Kanda let his hair loose as often as possible.

Kanda though, unlike Allen, _hated_ it when his hair wasn't up in its usual ponytail. When it was loose it and the wind would blow or he'd dodge something or run or jump it would fly everywhere and obstruct his vision and get into his mouth and eyes and face and it was frankly annoying. Plus he looked even _more _girly when his hair was loose. Not that he'd ever admit that he ever looked girly at any point in time.

This led to a conflict of interests.

Allen hated Kanda's stupid restrictive ponytail with a passion and Kanda got so pissed off when he lost his ribbon in a fight or something that Lavi always paid extra attention to him during these times because Lavi had a long standing bet going on with Komui about whether or not Kanda would literally pop a vein because he was so annoyed at his hair being loose.

So, conflict of interests indeed.

So Allen did something unforgivable for his own amusement, at least it was unforgivable in Kanda's eyes but then again most things were unforgivable in his eyes. Kanda was very easily angered.

Allen stole Kanda's ribbons and hid them. One day while Kanda was having a shower Allen quietly tiptoed over to Kanda's vanity mirror (he laughed for hours after finding out that Kanda owned an actual vanity mirror) and opened the top drawer. Inside was a photograph of Allen. Allen quietly cooed at how cute Kanda was for secretly keeping a picture of his boyfriend but closed the drawer, that wasn't what he'd come to look for. He opened the second drawer, inside was sword polish and other sword accessories that ensured that Kanda took the utmost care of Mugen. He opened the third drawer, emergency soba rations, Allen rolled his eyes and smirked a bit. Right, then it had to be the last fourth drawer. Allen opened it quickly when he heard the water stop running in the bathroom, Kanda was done with his shower. Allen opened the fourth drawer. And there it was, a small pretty little box right next to a well used comb. Allen hurriedly opened it to check just to be sure and he was happy to see it to be filled by a bunch of silk black ribbons. Allen closed the drawer and shoved the small box into his pocket and backed off from the vanity mirror.

The bathroom door opened and out came Kanda wearing nothing but a towel to Allen's pleasure, no black silk ribbon in sight either. Allen hummed appreciatively at the way Kanda's long wet hair plastered itself to his neck and back and the way his fluffy white towel slipped a bit when he walked- towards the vanity mirror. Allen felt a spike of panic rise in himself when Kanda crouched down to open the fourth drawer. But Allen. Quick minded individual that he was, quickly concocted a plan and he sprung into action. He couldn't let Kanda see that his ribbons were gone before he'd managed to hide them properly and to do that he'd have to distract him.

Allen quickly sprung up from Kanda's bed and crossed over half of the room in less than a second and he wrapped his arms around Kanda from behind. Kanda stiffened at the sudden hug and stood up and turned around.

"What the Hell are you doing Bean Sprout?" he said with a raised eyebrow.

Allen smiled at him charmingly and leaned in and kissed him by answer. Well more like pounced him if you wanted to be exact. He slammed his body into Kanda's still wet one and their lips clashed with a surprised grunt on Kanda's side. Kanda was knocked off his feet but thanks to the vanity mirror being behind him he just ended up being seated on the top of it, his back pressed against the cold mirror as Allen enthusiastically kissed him. Allen got as close as to Kanda as he could, almost as if he were trying to melt his skin into Kanda's and he pressed up between Kanda's legs as Kanda was momentarily stunned by the sudden attack. But then again Kanda was never one to pass up an opportunity to have sex so he just closed his eyes and did his best to make Allen make certain sounds that should and never would be heard by anyone else but him if it was up to him.

Allen smirked into the kiss when Kanda started participating without a second thought. All was going according to plan.

About three hours later (yeah, _three hours _was normal for them, they were Exorcists after all, they had stamina like nobody else and it wasn't as if they'd only done one round or anything, plus they loved foreplay, and they'd taken a quick nap as well) Allen quietly slipped out of bed as Kanda slept and he silently dressed, after a quick cold shower of course (though he still smelled like sex). He snuck out of the room and slowly closed the door behind him, wary of any squeaky hinges. Kanda didn't wake.

The entire way to his own room Allen looked like the embodiment of shiftiness and suspicion. He looked like he was going to go and hide a body or something.

Finally he reached his room and he slammed the door behind him and leaned against it with a breathy laugh as if he'd just ran there with the police on his heels and his room was an impenetrable fortress of safety and victory. He then retrieved the small box from his pocket and walked over to his bed.

Allen ended up hiding the ribbons under his mattress.

Under. His. Mattress.

Allen wasn't the best at hiding things.

And so Allen allowed himself a small love struck yet smug smile when Kanda walked into the cafeteria the next day for breakfast with his hair hanging loose. Allen couldn't ever remember seeing anybody look so pissed off in his entire life but it was worth it, Kanda's hair was especially silky and smooth looking that morning and it would be a waste to just tie it up like that.

Kanda had quickly concluded who had stolen his ribbons with ease.

Kanda walked in a straight line towards Allen. Finders immediately retreated to the other side of the cafeteria while making bets about who would come out of the fight with all limbs attached. Allen smiled pleasantly at Kanda. Kanda punched him in the face. Well, he tried to at least but Allen having foreseen such an action moved his head at the last second so that the fist flew past its target by an inch and he looked really, really cool while doing so. The smile remained untouched on his face. The pulsing vein that was quite visible on Kanda's forehead, that Lavi and Komui were watching avidly, twitched and grew just the tiniest shade redder, Komui sucked in a breath in anticipation and Lavi started a mantra of "Please pop, please pop, please pop," and so on.

"What's the matter Kanda? You seem a bit… cross." Allen said.

Allen had stolen the ribbons to see Kanda with loose hair more often, not to annoy him. But Allen never passes up an opportunity to piss Kanda off (he was in on the bet with Komui and Lavi as well, many people were, there as an entire betting pool based around the vein in Kanda's forehead).

Kanda closed his eyes, took a deep breath and the vein in his forehead eased up a bit and Allen cold hear Lavi's filthy cursing from across the room at yet another loss. When Kanda opened his eyes again his face was blank and stoic, a cold steely glint in his eye shining ominously. He then leaned in close to Allen and whispered into Allen's ear with a threatening low voice, "If you don't give me back my ribbons I'll _bite you to death._"

Kanda then turned around, his loose hair shimmering beautifully in the air right before it smacked Kanda in the face much to his rage, and walked right out of the cafeteria without another word as silence hung heavy in the air.

Needless to say Allen didn't give those ribbons back. And needless to say the next day when Allen entered the cafeteria for lunch he had a happy satisfied look on his beaming face to accompany the _huge _ hickey that was visible on his neck, the only _visible _hickey on his entire body when he wore clothes. Kanda spent the rest of the day trying to come up with effective threats that didn't just spice up their activities in the bedroom.

Kanda ended up just having to buy some more ribbons.

* * *

I liked this chapter. If you're wondering why Kanda's threat sounds so familiar I'll have you know I kinda stole it from Hibari in the anime KHR. What do you guys think?


	38. First

**First**

Allen wasn't exactly an innocent little darling. Sure, he _looked _innocent but he really wasn't. He gambled and cheated and lied and killed and just generally lived in sin while at the same time being one of God's most devoted followers. He was kind yet… not all that innocent to say the least. And sex-wise Allen, who had traveled with Cross for years, knew all too well what sex was and what it entailed. He wasn't even a virgin, having had sex a few times before just like any other healthy male (people were expected to pop their cherry a lot earlier in Allen's time than in the twenty first century), he'd even screwed a couple of guys after having come to terms with his sexuality!

So Allen wasn't all that innocent.

And Allen had already had most of his Firsts by then to, more Firsts than most people at that. He'd had his First job, his First 'sinful experience', his First hug, First kiss, First death, First funeral, First birthday, First kill, First near-death experience, First battle, First friend, honestly he'd done most things there were to do in life. But there was one thing Allen had never had a First of. He still had a First left, a First that was so absurdly innocent that if it were to be known Lavi would personally make sure that if he knew what that that… inexperienced First would be painted in bright red paint across the castle as he yelled about at the top of the castle for all to hear. He had never had a crush.

There were many benefactors for this, he moved around a lot for one, and most of the time he was too shocked due to a recent trauma (being abandoned, the horrible life of living on the street, Mana dying, Cross's god awful raising skills etc.) to be even mildly interested in some pretty face and cheery laugh or whatever the Hell a crush was. People tended to make a big deal out of it, Allen supposed it had to be something important then but none the less he had never experienced it before. And Allen didn't expect to experience it any time soon either, he supposed a crush was something you could only have as a child, or something like that.

So Allen, despite how not-innocent he might be, had never had his First crush. Well he was about to.

It all began, predictably enough, during a quite normal morning at the castle. The weirdest shit always happened on the 'just another day' days.

He woke up, did about five hundred upside-down-finger-tilted-chair pushups and then did three hundred more since he wasn't all that sure how many upside-down-finger-tilted-chair pushups it was normal to take each morning so he just decided that he should just take a couple more sets to be safe. He then took a shower, dressed and brushed his teeth, ready to face the day the first seeds of his First crush would be sown, though he was unaware of that.

He left his room to venture off to the blessed cafeteria were Jerry's amazing cooking awaited him. He walked down the winding, long corridors of the castle, his mind not on where his feet were going but on the food he was going to eat.

_Mitarashi Dango… _Allen thought blissfully as he turned a corner and then-

"Oof!"

"Ouch!"

He collided with another person who had happened to be turning the corner in the opposite direction just as Allen had been. The person was taller than him so the top of Allen's head collided with the persons chin, knocking the unfortunate person to the floor, head colliding with the floor with a sickening _crunch!_

Allen landed on top of this unfortunate person, his head falling on top of the persons flat male chest. _Oh dear _Allen thought when he heard that sound, it was a very bad sound to hear when it came to the human skull, it was so bad to hear in fact that when his Master hit him over the head with a hammer he carefully made sure to hit just the right amount of hard so he didn't achieve that sickening crunch. Concern spiked within him and he quickly righted himself so that he was straddling the man's hips, all the while mentally berating himself for not paying attention.

He froze when he saw who it was, eyes widening with shock. It was Kanda. He was unconscious, his lips slightly parted, face looking peaceful, hair untied and spread around his head like a halo and _this was so not the time to pay attention to such inane details. _Dark red blood was pooling beneath Kanda's head, moistening his hair and staining the stone floor. Allen briefly panicked before he quickly sprung off of Kanda's hips as if he had been scalded by steaming water before he jumped into action. He picked Kanda up bride style. Kanda would kill him if he was conscious. Horribly.

Allen proceeded to run in the direction of the infirmary as scene after scene of awful scenarios of what would happen to Kanda rolled through his mind. He was going to die from internal bleeding was a favorite with his sadistic imagination, or he became a vegetable, permanent brain damage was also one that made a reappearance in his mind as Allen ran through the unbearably long corridors that led to the infirmary.

Jesus Christ, was this how Kanda was going to die? He was finally going to beaten like _this? _He'd survived akuma for years among other horrors but the fact that Allen hadn't been paying attention while walking through the corridors was going to be the thing that did the swordsman in? The mere idea disgusted Allen to the core of his very being, Kanda was a strong warrior and was simply _not _going to be defeated by some stupid _mistake_! Especially not _his_ mistake.

And then Allen heard the most wonderful sound _ever. _A painful groan. He slowed his pace to a brisk walk and looked down in his arms as Kanda. His peaceful face was not screwed up into a pained grimace and he was squirming a bit in his hold. Allen smiled, resistance was good, eh? Nothing ought to be _too _bad up in Kanda's skull if he still had enough cells up there to be in pain. That was good. They fought a lot but the thought of Kanda, especially because of him, dying left him with a bitter taste in his mouth.

In record time he dramatically burst through the doors to the infirmary, holding the damsel in distress (Kanda) in his arms with a brave, concerned expression on his face. Needless to say the few Finders in the infirmary were quick to spread the word of what they had seen and were very precise with detail just to make sure that their audience could actually take in the fact that _Yuu Kanda had been carried bride style by Allen Walker. _

All eyes were immediately on him of course. He hurriedly spouted a rushed explanation to the nurse as she took Kanda from his arms and laid him down on a cot all business as she got her supplies and went ahead and did doctory things that were meant to fix Kanda right up. Allen felt a weight lift from his shoulders when she informed that he'd be all right.

And he'd looked down at Kanda lying on the bed. His hair had been brushed and braided so that the thick braid of his hair laid on his left shoulder so that it wasn't in the way. He'd been paler than normal, the bandage wrapped around his head giving him an incredibly adorable helpless in-need-of-a-hero look that shouldn't have looked so good on Kanda but did anyways. He looked as harmless as a kitten, weak and beautiful. It contrasted greatly with his personality Allen knew and even though Allen felt guilty about getting him into that state in the first place he couldn't help thinking that he was cute, he had to fight the urge to wrap him up in a blanket and hand him a cup of hot chocolate and just coo over him and protect him _forever and eeeveeerrr_.

Insert gagging noise here. Allen grossed _himself _out.

Anyways, that was actually were the first seeds of the First crush were sown, right there in the infirmary as the Finders boggled and whispered to each other about how it was the end of the world surely because in what other circumstances would the laws of the universe allow Yuu fucking Kanda of all people to be carried bride style by Allen fucking Walker. It was hard to get over it.

And then the next day Kanda was slurping soba without a bandage looking normal and like nothing had happened at all. If you ignored the fact that he was firmly ignoring Lavi as he snickered insistently and the Finders glanced at him and Kanda and whispered into each other's ears. For some reason everyone in the castle were such _gossips. _

Allen fought down the blush he felt coming on as Kanda finally noticed him and made brief eye contact before coolly looking away. What followed was the most awkward, stilted, uncomfortable, forced apology Allen had ever made that was accepted with a vague grunt around a mouthful of noodles. Allen pretend like he didn't notice Lavi taking notes underneath the table with a knowing smile. Kanda mostly ignored him that day.

And then there was that time in the bathhouse with the excessive blushing and stuttering for no reason that got him strange looks. And then there were the odd unexplainable dreams about Kanda. And then there was the overly-conscious-of-his-every-word-and-glance-and-touch phase that wasn't really a phase since it never actually stopped. And unexplainable things like that continued to happen.

If Allen had ever had a crush during his childhood he'd have known that Kanda had become his First crush. Kanda, frankly, was to dense to notice.


	39. Simple

**Simple**

Kanda liked things simple. Akuma were evil and he was good so he should kill them. Noah were evil and he was good so he should kill them. Soba was better than anything he'd ever tasted so he should only eat soba. People were annoying so he should be mad at them. He was God's disciple so he should be a Catholic, he should follow the rules of the holy bible and the Vatican, he should worship God and Jesus and the pope, he should obey the Order for it followed God's ways. His superiors ordered him to do something so he did exactly what they said as quickly and efficiently as he could. The stronger he was the more effectively could he obey the Order and the more likely his survival was so he should train and become stronger and faster and more skilled.

Things were simple. And then Allen Walker had to come along and just generally fuck everything up.

Suddenly there was a Noah in his vicinity that he couldn't kill because he had been ordered not to kill it and because it technically still wasn't a Noah yet it still was and for some reason the thought of killing Allen made bile rise in his throat. Suddenly there was someone spouting nonsense about the akuma not being evil but actually being helpless victims that should be given mercy killing and nothing but and he strangely made sense. Suddenly there was someone who didn't give a damn what food tasted like, this someone ate so fast that he had probably never known the taste of food in his entire life by the looks of it, the food didn't have the time to meet his tongue as it was too busy being forced down his throat as if he were a feasting swan. Suddenly there was someone who made him mad yet made him feel other things as well, fear not only for himself but for the person who inspired the fear in the first place, worry, happiness, jealousy, pity, hate and anger, loyalty and even love. One mere person was not meant to invoke so many feelings within _anyone. _

Suddenly everything wasn't all that simple.

Suddenly everything was so fucking complicated that he got a headache from just thinking about thinking about it. Suddenly he had betrayed the Order he had vowed to follow to the end of his days because he had found someone that was oddly worth more than his word. He had found someone that he was even more honest to than he was the Order and his God. He had found someone that made him feel such intense, raw emotion that he could never ever give it up for anything. He found someone strange and different and inspiring that made him spit on his bible if he had to. He found someone that was so important to him that when the world turned on that person he turned his back to the world in turn just to make a point, just to be with him, just to be by his side.

So fucking complicated.

He had defied everything he was just to follow some annoying Bean Sprout with some guy who called himself Neah living inside his head for reasons he couldn't even being to understand. There was soba waiting for him back at the Order, there was his bible and his God and his superiors with orders that would give him a purpose, there were the akumas he was supposed to kill so as to make the world a better place. Yet he found himself at some crappy inn in a random town with some shortie that was literally going insane. He was talking to his reflection now.

"God, you're so creepy! Stop looking at me."

Allen was the one who said that by the way. _To his reflection. _He was telling his own reflection to stop looking at him while he was brushing his teeth and that it was creepy.

WHAT.

Kanda felt like banging his head against some sort of hard surface repeatedly until he forgot the fact that he had betrayed the Order to follow some guy that had conversation with his _fucking reflection what the Hell was wrong with him!?_

Why was he doing this? Why had he abandoned his nice, easy-to-understand, simple life for this complicated, headache-inducing nightmare. He talked in his sleep, felt that he was guilty for everything bad in the world, talked to his own reflection, was occasionally possessed by his inner Noah who was quite the murderous unpredictable fellow, and there was off course his simply _lovely _personality. Note the sarcasm.

So what if he loved the Bean Sprout? So what if he hated him, was jealous of him, was sad because of him, felt respect for him, fear for him and of him, enjoyed his presence yet wanted to punch his face in, wanted to whisper sweet promises into his ear while doing something that wasn't sweet at all with his hands, wanted to do absurd, meaningless things that made no sense, wanted to hug and punch and kick and kiss him. So damn confusing.

But then Allen got done arguing with his own reflection without once realizing that that was a totally batshit insane thing to do and he also finished brushing his teeth. Kanda stewed some more about his confusing life, though mostly the depressing lack of soba, while sitting on the bed with crossed arms and a sullen scowl on his face. When Allen saw this he chuckled and walked over to Kanda who didn't notice.

"I saw a soba stall on the other side of town while taking a walk today, we can go there together tomorrow if you want. Also, are you using a new conditioner?" Allen said as he walked up to Kanda and wrapped his arms around Kanda.

Kanda blinked startled for a second because yes, he was using a new conditioner and he was secretly pleased that Allen had noticed and he was slightly weirded out that Allen had also seemed to just magically know what he was thinking about at that moment, soba. But then again he'd also found him some soba which would make the whole ordeal a whole lot more bearable and he was more flattered about the conditioner comment than any man had a right to be. That and Allen was doing some pretty interesting things with his hands now.

It was during moments like this that Kanda suddenly remembered with startling vivid clarity as to why he was with Allen, why he had betrayed the Order for him. It was simple really. He loved Allen so he should follow him to the ends of the earth no matter what. Simple.


	40. Sunshine

Firstly I would just like to apologize for not updating for so long, I was away visiting relatives for Easter holidays. Also, I would just like it to be known that this chapter was inspired by 50 Shades of DGM which is an event thingy where you write a one-shot according to a theme you're given once a week (I think?) just Google it to be certain. This week's theme is…

**Sunshine**

It was a rainy day. Yesterday it had been cloudy, the day before a full-blown thunderstorm. The rain pounded down heavily on the roof of the castle as the wind howled and moaned ominously. It was cold. It felt like it had always been cold, it had only been cold for three weeks yet it felt like forever. The ever-present chill seeped through the bricks of the castle and set into his bones making him shiver despite how much he tried to hide it, people would ask him if he was alright, if he was sick with a concerned tone to their voice that made him want to rip their throats out. He was always a little bit more cranky when it was cold.

The cold would not be stopped no matter how many layers of clothes he wrapped around himself, no matter how many logs he heaped onto the fire. He hadn't seen the sun for three whole weeks, he found himself missing it despite himself and he was ashamed and embarrassed by the need. He told no one.

Everyone else thought nothing of the weather. 'Oh, what a pity' they would say 'but that's British weather for you, it'll stop in a few days'. Kanda hated them. It was true that British weather was prone to sudden week long bouts of rain but there was something different about this rain. It seemed just a little bit colder, a little bit louder, a little bit more horribly noticeable, a little bit harder to get his mind off, a little bit more terrifying and depressing. There had been rain like that before. Kanda could tell the difference between normal rain and the Rain (yes it had to be capitalized, it just had to, shut up).

People chalked up his increased violence and impatience (which always arose when his Sun was away) to him being sick, what with the bags under his eyes and his ever-present shiver as he looked mournfully out of the window at the pouring rain when he thought no one was looking. He just wanted his Sun back.

His Sun.

He was always met with a feeling of dread that he hid whenever the first clouds rolled in, whenever _he _was called in to Komui's office to be briefed for a mission that Kanda wouldn't be attending as well.

No one had realized what triggered the Rain. They didn't notice it in the first place because they couldn't tell the difference between normal rain and the Rain. When _he _was there, his Sun, it would occasionally rain as was the weathers fancy. But he wouldn't see a single drop of that horrible Rain when his Sun was there with him under the same roof. It would just be normal, harmless rain that Kanda could easily ignore, unlike the Rain that pressed down on him, making him feel like he had been cornered my some malicious _thing._

It seemed almost like that when each drop of water hit the ground another worrying thought that gnawed at his brain throughout the weeks would surface in his mind.

_What if he gets hurt?_

_What if he gets kidnapped?_

_What if he doesn't want to come back?_

_What if he falls in love with someone?_

_What if he _dies?

What if, what if, what if. He would worry and bother about his Sun silently as the Rain raged on and on while _he _was away on a mission, in horrible danger, in battle with akuma and Noah, without himself to see over him and glance over his shoulder every other minute to make sure he was alright, still there and unhurt.

But it was inevitable, his Sun would get called to missions he wasn't on and the Rain would come on and pound down on the castle as if to reflect Kanda's mood until he finally arrived and as if by magic it would stop. It wouldn't always immediately stop when his Sun arrived. Sometimes it would continue for a week or a few days but the feeling of the Rain would leave, the horrible cold and oppressive sense of doom would float away leaving normal rain and his Sun in its wake.

Though when both the Rain and all of the evidence that it had ever been there, the clouds the pounding rain and the occasional thunder and lightning, and the shining sun would peek out from between the fleeing clouds as a ray of light fell onto his Sun, when that happened it was magical. The sunshine would make the water drops in his bright white hair sparkle like stars and his otherworldly silver eyes would immediately spot him as they shone and he cracked a smile that made Kanda's eyes hurt to look at directly, just like the sun.

It had been three weeks. Three weeks since Allen, his Sun, had been pulled into Komui's office to be briefed for a mission Kanda wouldn't be attending. Three weeks since the first ominous clouds had rolled in. Kanda, like the pathetic smitten thing he was, had found a window high up in an abandoned tower in the castle and he had looked at disappearing white speck that was Allen until he'd disappeared from view. The moment Kanda couldn't see him anymore there had been a sudden crack of thunder and a cloud had covered up the sun. Kanda knew he wouldn't see that sun until he saw the other sun, the one that smiled and fought and dreamed and lived and breathed and loved. Allen.

And now Kanda was sitting dangerously at the ledge of the window he had sat at three weeks before as he had watched Allen walk away to possible death, every mission was possible death. He was soaked to the bone and shivering like a half drowned kitten with his hair plastered to his face and neck and back due to the howling wind spitefully snatching away his ribbon. He was looking intently at the gates, waiting for the precise moment he'd see a speck of white and the horrible feeling of the Rain would lift from his shoulders.

He was waiting for his Sun.

And he knew, he knew he would see his Sun again, he knew he would see Allen again. He just knew, it was a gut feeling in his stomach that he clung to with desperate hope ever time a mission would drag on and on and on for days and weeks and months. Three weeks wasn't too bad, Kanda remembered one time when a mission had taken Allen three months. The Finders and scientists and Exorcists had grumbled about the weather while silently keeping a worried eye on Kanda, he had barely been eating anymore when he hit the two month mark. He hadn't been sleeping and he'd been unable to focus on anything but the pounding rain and his frantic mantra of _he's okay, he's okay, he's okay. _

He remembered that immense feeling of relief that hit him when the feeling of the Rain stopped at about three in the morning while he'd been staring out of the window blankly. He'd dropped to his knees and actually let slip a breathless laugh as he felt a smile nearly split his face in two. He hadn't seen Allen yet, yet he knew his Sun was there.

It was only three weeks this time yet Kanda still clung to his gut feeling, still clung to his mantra of _he's okay, he's okay, he's okay. _He still sat on the window ledge and stared at the gate with anticipation. He still ate less and slept less for each day that past him by and he still waited with desperate hope that his Sun would come.

Kanda always smiled whenever he felt the Rain lift, when his Sun arrived and everything was right with the world again.

Suddenly the Rain stopped, so did the normal rain, the horrible cold melted rapidly away as the clouds were swept of the sky unnaturally fast. A rainbow was left in its wake. A beautiful vivid rainbow that arched across the gate that opened up to the castle. It was disgustingly like a cheesy fairytale where the knight would ride to his princess on a white steed yet Kanda smiled a tiny happy smile that he showed no one but his Sun, and that was only occasionally. His Sun didn't arrive with shining unscratched iron or a white steed, he arrived dragging his feet tiredly behind him in the mud as he grumbled about how hungry he was and he was damn tired about akuma only showing up half across the world for some inane reason. He was limping and in a foul mood, his right arm in a sling and one of his eyes nearly shut closed due to swelling. But he was victorious and he was alive and he wasn't permanently hurt and he hadn't fallen in love with anyone and best of all he was back.

Kanda felt his heart soar as the sun peeked through the disappearing clouds and the dark cold world around him seemed to erupt into a happy magical place where anything was possible. And like always his Sun's silver eyes seemed to find him immediately, despite the fact that Kanda was sitting on the ledge of a window far, far up in a tall abandoned tower. Despite the fact that it was ridiculous and impossible he felt like he could feel Allen's eyes land on him all that way away.

They both smiled as they felt the weight of the Rain float away. Kanda smiled at his Sun. Allen smiled at his Moon.


	41. Unconditionally

**Unconditionally**

Kanda remembered the precise hour, the correct minute, the exact second he first saw Allen Walker. Their first meeting was not at all memorable yet he could remember each and every unimportant detail.

It had been a pretty shitty day. Grey clouds had hung over the city, a lazy drizzle falling down as a cold wind blew. Kanda hadn't bothered to bring an umbrella. It had been late February, February the ninth if you were finicky about dates, Kanda remembered the date with unnatural vividness. He had worn his school uniform, his hair tied up in a tight ponytail as usual. Everything had been normal. He'd walked to school with straight uniform steps that made it look as if someone had tied a broom to his back. Lavi often teased him about how he must have been in the military or something in his past life, and when he was in a slightly cruder mood he'd manage an offhand remark about how Kanda must have a stick firmly lodged up his- and that was as far as Lavi would let him go before he viciously attacked him. Annoying Rabbit…

The walk to his school from his house was about twenty minutes so he was pretty wet when he was only five minutes away. He'd worn his customary scowl, his bag slung over his shoulder as Mugen hung on his hip by a strap. He had to cover the poor thing up with a piece of cloth, he'd barely been able to persuade the laws and his principal to let him walk around on campus with a real sword, even if he was the top member of his kendo club.

And then as he walked his eye had been caught by something. Something white, like snow, like an angel, had turned the corner of an alley a few feet in front of him. The white something was a boy wearing his schools uniform. The uniform told him that he was in the same year as Kanda, and therefore quite short for his age. What had caught his eye was the bright white hair. Kanda briefly wondered if it was a new transfer student or if someone had just dyed his hair white for some stupid reason. It was a male. The albino walked with small controlled steps, Kanda noticed when he swung his arms that he was wearing thick gloves, that wasn't too odd, what with the weather and all.

It was only five more minutes till he reached campus, as he walked his eyes stayed firmly glued onto the form of the strange student. He was just bored, didn't have anything to think about or do as he made his way to school. So he continued watching the albino.

"Oops." Said a smooth voice. It was a nice, though decidedly male, voice.

The albino had dropped his watch, Kanda didn't know how he'd managed to drop his watch but there he was, bending over to pick up the cheap barely ticking thing from the ground. The albino stopped to pick up the watch, Kanda continued walking ahead even though his eyes were still on the albino. And this allowed him to see the albino's face.

And it was like the world had been put on mute, like the drizzle had frozen so that it was suspended as fine mist in the air, passing cars and the annoying barking dog a few feet away stopped existing as he focused with a startling tunnel vision on the albino's face. It was the vivid red scar that he noticed first. A pentagram above his left eye that traveled down his face, across his eye, in a jagged line. The scar looked out of place on that young cute face (it was the first time Kanda had ever called anything cute, inside his head or not). He had doe-like kind wise silver eyes and cream-colored skin. Besides the scar his skin was unblemished, it looked smooth to the touch and healthy even from where Kanda was standing.

Kanda swallowed dryly at the stunning moment of clarity he'd just had. He'd never had a crush, never had a moment when he saw someone that really wasn't all that beautiful that made you think that person was the most beautiful person in the world no matter what anyone said. Because to him this mystery person was mind-blowingly beautiful, perfect, an oddity, something unique and strange and ethereal that Kanda was meant to see. He'd just experienced love at first sight.

And then the world sped up again and the cars were honking and the dog was barking. The drizzle fell and the albino straightened up after picking up his watch and then walked ahead, leaving Kanda frozen where he was standing as he stared at the albino's back with an open mouth and wide eyes. The first in a long time he'd lost his composure.

And then he walked off and Kanda was left wondering who this person was. Was it too much to ask to just at least know the _name _of the person you've just abruptly fallen unconditionally in love with on first sight?


	42. Wish

**Wish**

There were a great many things Kanda wished he'd said before it was too late, before he ended up choking on his own blood as he lied there on the muddy forest floor as akuma shot at his friends above him in the air, before the screams of innocent bystanders tore through the night air to join in with the explosions, before he felt his heart give five beats every three seconds as if it were trying to make up for all of the heartbeats that he had been supposed to have for the rest of his natural life, before each breath became a struggling pain, before he became unable to move as he stared at the chaos going on around him. So many things. He found it annoying that most of those things involved the Bean Sprout, though thankfully not all of them.

He wished that just once when that stupid rabbit proclaimed himself Kanda's best friend he hadn't lashed out, just once that he'd just let it slide to let the redhead know that he agreed, that there was no reason for doubt when he was gone.

He wished he'd called Tiedoll 'father' at least once in a near silent mutter before denying he'd ever let such a word slip out of him when Tiedoll would inevitably explode into a gushing fountain of tears and ecstasy and hugs.

He wished he'd talked more, confided more in Zu Mei Chang.

He wished he'd laughed more and smiled more when he'd ahd the chance, when Alma was still alive and not insane.

He wished he remembered just a bit more of his past life.

He wished he'd admitted to viewing Marie as his brother.

He wished he'd eaten more soba, killed more akuma, trained more with Mugen, tended to the small garden outside the castle some more, wish he'd just relaxed in the moment some more and appreciated the fact that he was _alive _and surrounded by the people he refused to admit were his friends.

And he wished so many things when it came to the Bean Sprout, Moyashi, shortie, Allen. He wished he'd argued more, spent more time with, fought alongside with, talked more, and just generally spent more time with the annoying pest.

He wished he'd just done something. There was always the weight of _something _hanging between them, something special, something unexplored, something Kanda was too afraid to find out about in case it was something bad. It was a bond, it was something unspoken that was only between the two of them. He wish he'd done something about that. He wished he'd just explored that bond, given it a long hard look and acted accordingly. He had a feeling that bond would have revealed something mind-blowing, something that was surprising yet not, something that would make him gasp "Of course,"

* * *

This was shorter than I would have liked it but right now I'm busy trying to branch out to One Piece. Oh, and by the way, hurrah! Almost fifty chapters, soon we'll be halfway done, I can't wait till this fic is done so I can just sit back and look at what I've accomplished. I'm embarrassingly proud that I've come so far instead of just giving up.


	43. Dead

**Dead**

It was cold. It wasn't raining and it wasn't windy and there wasn't even a cloud in the sky. But it was cold. The moon was up instead of the sun despite it being daytime hours, and the sky looked oddly grayish instead of blue.

Allen slowly blinked. His head felt fuzzy and everything was out of focus. He was lying on the cold hard ground, his left leg felt horrible, he didn't want to look at it. From what felt like miles away he heard explosions and shouts and screaming, akuma were near. That made sense, he was probably on a mission, he couldn't quite remember.

He supposed he'd have to join in the fray, mutilated leg or not, he was an Exorcist, and Exorcists were supposed to fight to their dying breath. He couldn't just lie down and not get up when he could push himself just a bit harder, there were screaming innocent people there to save, poor tortured akuma to kill.

He decided to take a stock of his surroundings first. He looked at his left, a brick wall spattered with blood, nothing interesting. He looked at his right, his head falling to the ground with a thud as he blearily looked. What he saw snapped everything into focus, made his head clear and sharp.

Kanda was lying next to him. He was dead.

There were no external wounds to tell him this, he could tell by the open glazed over eyes staring unblinkingly at the sky. His uniform was covered by a fine layer of plaster and was stained by blood both Kanda's and others. His hair was still tied up into its neat ponytail, though his hair was a bit frazzled now. His chest wasn't raising and falling in that comforting rhythm that meant he was breathing. His mind felt blank and he was unable to properly react. Allen didn't even bother trying to check his pulse; it was obvious he was dead. Instead he took action.

He quickly forced himself to sit up and ignored his screaming leg as he dragged himself over to Kanda. He let out a small cry of pain as he slung his leg over Kanda's hip so he was straddling him. He started performing CPR on Kanda. It was doubtful it would work; whatever that killed him probably didn't have anything to do with his heart or lungs. He tilted Kanda's head back and pressed his lips against Kanda's as if he was kissing him. He blew life into Kanda, hoping for the best. Kanda didn't move.

Allen kept applying CPR to Kanda for at least an hour before he let out a shuddering breath and stopped. The explosions and screams were still going at it in the distance but he was a little bit preoccupied. His leg hurt so much he was surprised he hadn't fainted yet, he was covered in sweat and his arms were very tired from the wok out he'd given them, adrenaline coursed through his veins. He was still straddling Kanda, but his arms hung at his sides. He was looking at Kanda's face with a lost look in his wide eyes. He was unsure of what he was to do, he should probably go and help in the fight, but the mere idea of leaving Kanda's… body alone in the alley made him actually vomit, there was a small puddle next to him.

So Kanda was dead, and he wasn't going to jump right back up. Allen had had precious people die before, like Mana, Mana's death had crushed him but he had moved on, considerable trauma or not he had moved on. He raised his arm to Kanda's face, the intent had been to close his eyelids to give him the appearance of sleeping but his body rebelled, if he did that then he'd be giving up. Instead his red ungloved hand cupped Kanda's cheek. His skin was surprisingly smooth, his cheek bone sharp.

Allen swallowed dryly. He expected the tears to start flowing any moment now. But they didn't come. His eyes were as dry as ever. He didn't even feel sad, he just felt tired, slighted, like the butt of the universes joke. He felt angry. What exactly had he done to deserve this? What exactly had _Kanda _done to deserve this? They were kind people! Sure, Kanda swore a lot and was quick to draw his sword on people for the smallest things but he was a good person! He was so mad Allen felt numb.

"Innocence, activate." He said in a monotone voice.

He destroyed the alley wall next to him. And when he was done trashing the alley he finally left the alley and he killed every single akuma he could find. And he ripped a few dozen trees out of the ground as well. And he chucked a few rocks here and there. And he may have roared as he finally let the angry tears fall. He may have gone a bit berserk. But that didn't matter. What mattered was that when he came back to the destroyed alley Kanda's body wasn't there anymore.

He felt so useless.


	44. Gossip

**Gossip**

It was a sunny day, Kanda thought. Annoyingly sunny, in fact. He looked at the sunshine outside of the window and glowered, he didn't like pretty days, weird stuff always happened on pretty days. He heard a snort next to him and turned around to look at the kid sitting next to him, Allen Walker. He was looking at him while trying to muffle his own snickers. Kanda briefly wondered how he could handle wearing such thick gloves during the heat before he scowled at him.

"What?" he snapped.

It was the first day of school; he was sitting next to some new kid with freaky white hair and a weird scar with gloves.

"Nothing, I just thought it was funny how mad you are at the weather. 'S funny." He smiled at him.

A vein in Kanda's forehead throbbed with anger as he ground his teeth together. He was easily insulted. He growled at the kid and kicked him underneath the desk, the teacher didn't notice. The Allen kid stopped snickering and frowned at him. Kicked him back. Kanda swore under his breath at the sharp pain and kicked Allen as hard as he could underneath the desk. They spent the next ten minutes viciously kicking each other.

Finally Allen gave up on the kicking and instead leaned close to Kanda and whispered into his ear so the teacher wouldn't notice, "Stop it before I shove you."

Kanda threw him a final glare before turning back to glowering at the weather outside while internally anguishing over the fact that the kid that would sit next to him in class for the next year would be this annoying goody two shoes.

Unfortunately someone had heard Allen's whisper. Unfortunately she didn't hear the sentence all that well so she thought she'd heard, "I love you." Unfortunately this girls name was Road, one of the biggest gossips in school. Unfortunately as soon as the bell rung she twisted in her seat to look the girl sitting behind her in the eye with a glint in her golden eyes that promised fresh juicy gossip.

"Hey, you see those two guys over there by the window? That hot Asian one with the long hair and that cute transfer with the scar and gloves, you know the albino. I just heard the albino _confess _to the one with the long hair." Road said.

"_No,_" Road's best friend, Lenalee, gasped as she put a hand to her mouth.

"_Yes,_" Road replied.

"I can't believe it! Didn't they _just _meet this day? And that's _Kanda _we're talking about, not exactly the most lovable guy." Lenalee said, throwing an incredulous look at her grumpy classmate that was stomping out of the classroom like a bat out of Hell.

"I heard it with my own ears. 'I love you' he said. 'You're my soul mate" he said." Now Road was adding a bit but it didn't change things, it was still a confession.

Lenalee looked at her wide eyed as she absorbed this new bit of gossip. They chatted about it a bit more before their conversation turned to the new professor, Reever, and then soon forgot it, though the piece of gossip still rested in the back of Lenalee's mind.

She had to tell someone.

As the class moved over to the next classroom she spotted the back of the head of her favorite teacher, Fou the science teacher. She grinned and ran over to her.

"Hey, Fou! Road told me something interesting just now." She said, slapping her hand on Fou's back to get her attention.

Fou looked at her with aloof disinterest.

"Oh?" she asked because she was secretly a little bit curious.

"You know that new kid with the white hair? Allen Walker? He just confessed his undying love to Kanda in the middle of class! It was so romantic. He was so _poetic _about it to." Lenalee said.

Fou blinked with surprise, "You mean the grumpy one?"

Lenalee nodded while saying, "Yeah! According to Walker they were _soul mates! _I swear they were _this _close to just full on smooching in the middle of the classroom. They were none too subtle about it either, seeing as even _Road _noticed." Lenalee said. Sure, she may not have seen it herself but if one was going about proclaiming people to be their soul mates then they had to be pretty close to a beautiful, passionate moment of _True Love!_

Fou was looking at her student with undisguised fascination now.

"And how did Kanda react?" she asked eagerly.

Lenalee thought back to the class. She dimly remembered glancing in the boys direction, when she first glanced at them she'd thought they'd been in the middle of kicking each other underneath their desks but now that she thought about…

Her eyes widened with realization and her face flushed. Of course! How could she be so naive?

"Kanda was- he was" and here Lenalee leaned in secretively and whispered loudly so that her classmate Johnny who was walking behind her heard, "he was rubbing Walker's thigh underneath the table."

Fou gasped and Johnny's eyes nearly popped out of his sockets. Who rubbed Walker's thigh?

"Really, Kanda did that?" Fou asked.

Lenalee nodded and that was all the confirmation Jonny and Fou needed. The two girls lapsed into a fit of giggles and Johnny walked slower as his mind tried to process the words. Kanda had assaulted the new kid during class? Wow. He'd never taken Kanda for that kind of guy, but neither had he taken Kanda for a _guy _guy either, so what did he know?

He had to tell someone.

He looked around himself quickly before catching sight of Miranda, a cute timid girl in his class. He buzzed right over to her, all too aware that they'd reach the science room soon enough.

"Hey Miranda, have you heard?" Johnny asked.

Miranda blushed at the fact that a boy was even talking to her.

"H-heard W-what?" she asked.

He looked around himself shiftily and leaned in with a very secretive air and whispered theatrically, "The new guy was harassed today."

Miranda gasped, the new kid had seemed nice and friendly and she hated the thought of him being hurt.

"Really?" she said.

Johnny nodded gravely.

"Did he come out all right?" Miranda asked with concern in her voice.

Johnny quickly peered at Allen walking towards the science classroom at the back of the group, he looked all right. Johnny nodded.

"Well whose fault is that?" she asked meaning who it was that made sure that Allen came out of it all right.

"Kanda," Johnny said as if he were imparting some great secret, he though she meant who it was that had harassed Allen.

Miranda imagined Allen Walker, the poor innocent new kid, being backed into a corner in a dark alley by no less than ten mean-looking thugs with tattoos and bald heads. She then imagined that Yuu Kanda entered the alley, the sun shining behind him casting his features into shadow as he yelled in a big booming heroic voice, "I'm warning you, if you don't get your hands off that young man I'm gonna totally fuck your shit up." And then the thugs probably laughed and Allen threw his savior a hopeless pleading look and cried, "Please save me!" and then Kanda would do just that while looking really cool and he would do it with ease, beating up the thugs like it was nothing. And then he would lower the awed new kid very low and he would look soulfully into his eyes and they would passionately kiss and one thing would lead to another and-

Miranda cut herself off. She'd gone through a chick flick marathon that weekend and her head still wasn't all quite there yet. But now the fantasy had grounded itself as reality in her mind and she cast Kanda a look full of worship that he didn't notice. Johnny walked off, satisfied that he'd managed to get that off his chest so quickly. Miranda entered the science classroom and squirmed in her seat as she thought about what she'd been told.

She had to tell someone.

She quickly looked around herself and then she saw that nice girl Lenalee a few rows in front of her. A plan quickly formed in her mind and she ripped a piece of paper out of her lined notebook and she clicked her pen.

_Did you hear? Kanda saved that new kid, Walker yesterday! Walker was apparently so thankful that he kissed him._

With that Miranda hurriedly folded up the note into a tight square and threw it with all her might at the back of Lenalee's head. She turned back to her text book with a small smile on her face as she felt the pressure lift from her shoulders at the thought that she'd finally gotten that off her chest. The note completely missed her target, but Miranda didn't notice that since she'd turned away too early. The note hit Daisya right in the back of his head.

He winced and looked at the note curiously before opening. He read it. And then quickly shoved his fist into his mouth before he laughed out loud. Oh that was _hilarious! _Kanda had saved someone? More like probably shoving him out of the way of a speeding car because he wanted to shove them down into the sewers because he was pissed and hadn't seen the car. He could see Kanda doing something like that. He peered at the new kid. He looked kinda freaky, but nice. Daisya tried to imagine Kanda's reaction to being suddenly kissed by some guy he didn't even know. And promptly had to stuff his fist back into his mouth.

He had to tell someone.

He looked at his right and saw his adoptive brother Marie sitting there and shrugged. Why not?

"Hey, Marie." He whispered, "Guess what, our Yuu-chan's finally growing up!"

Marie furrowed his brows in confusion.

"What do you mean?"

"You remember when we made that bet a few years back, you know, when I said that there was no way Kanda was going to get kissed before he graduated and you said he would? Well it looks like you win. I'll give ya the ten bucks whenever." Daisya said, not intending to give him those ten bucks any time soon.

"Who did it?"

"The new kid, Allen Walker." He said.

And then Marie was left to think about this new knowledge. He cared for his little brother, and this was something big. Was this Allen Walker person good enough for his little brother? Was he a bully, a greedy bastard, someone who would push his innocent brother to do things he wasn't ready for? Clearly Kanda had to be completely over heels in love with this Walker person if he gave him his first kiss. Marie resolved to give Walker the 'if you hurt my brother' speech at earliest convenience.

But right now he was faced with a more immediate problem. The knowledge of what he had been told pressed down on his shoulders and made cold sweat break out on his forehead.

He had to tell someone.

And he did tell someone, and the person he told someone else who told someone else who told someone else and the theories just kept getting more and more skewed and off track until finally the rumor found its way back to Allen and Kanda. They'd been kicking at each other underneath the table again, ignorant of Lenalee's pointed stare and red blush, when they heard two boys talk in the back of the classroom.

"Hey, hey, have you heard?"

"Heard what?"

"Y'know, that thing about that new kid Walker and that grumpy guy Kanda."

And this was the point when Allen and Kanda simultaneously stopped kicking each other's as they carefully listened.

"Oh, _that _thing. Yeah, pretty wild, eh?"

"That's an understatement. To think that Kanda's secretly a crime fighter!"

Allen sent Kanda a bewildered look which he returned.

"Yeah, and I had no idea Walker' secretly a girl! You know, now that you mention it I think I can actually see it…"

Allen gaped with outrage and Kanda shot a suspicious look at the albino's crotch.

"A girl? I heard that he's an _alien._"

"A girl alien!"

"Wow! And I also heard that Kanda's moonlighting as a lawyer."

"Yeah, and that Allen's his secretary."

"And that he works _extra hours, _if you know what I mean."

Cue muffled sniggering.

Allen could feel his brain breaking. Kanda just gave up on the day and let his head fall to the desk with a thud. There was probably going to be some rumors about drugs having something to do with that before the class was over. And the student body would probably also somehow manage to involve penguins. And clocks. And firefighters.

Later that day when Marie gave him the 'if you hurt my brother speech' he gave up and followed Kanda's example.

* * *

Now this wasn't exactly what I set out to write when I started this ficlet, but what the Hell.


	45. Cute

**Cute**

Kanda sniffled. He rarely got sick but he'd recently been out on a mission where, due to some odd stroke of bad luck, it had rained the entire time. He had been cold and wet for two weeks straight so it didn't come as any sort of surprise when he woke up with a runny nose and a light cough. But it _was_ just a runny nose and a light cough, so Kanda didn't see any reason to make a fuss and run crying to that crazy nurse.

He coughed a bit into his hand. He felt a bit sluggish and tired, his throat was itchy and parched and it hurt to even swallow water, and the runny nose was really getting annoying. But besides that he was all right. He scrutinized his reflection before walking out of the bathroom to head for the cafeteria. His skin is a shade paler than normal, barely noticeable dark bags under his eyes, and instead of his customary scowl on his face he instead just looks dead on his feet. He adjusts his expression and heads out of the door to the cafeteria. He doesn't have an appetite but he vaguely remembered Alma once saying during one of his long, winding, random rants about useless trivia that one should eat when one was sick. (His hands knot up into tight fists and his breath hitches at the memory of Alma and he pushes it to the back of his mind as usual and schools his expression again.)

He walked to the cafeteria and the entire time he made sure to walk with perfect posture and measured steps instead of using the slumped shoulders and shuffling steps he wanted to, he just wanted to lie down and sleep. But one shouldn't show weakness. He glances out of one of the many windows in the castle and saw the shining sun. It looked warm, yet he felt so cold. Kanda repressed a shudder when he passed two chatting Finders. Show no weakness.

Kanda cupped his hands around his mouth and breathed hot air into them. He was now standing in front of the door that would open up to the cafeteria. He was just about to enter, his hand raising to take a firm grip of the shiny doorknob when…

"Hello Kanda," said a familiar voice in a pleasant tone.

For a split second he panicked. He didn't want the Bean Sprout to see him weak and tired. But then he calmed himself down by reassuring himself that unless one looked one wasn't able to see the sickness, his pale skin, the bags under his eyes, he was sure of it. So he put on his usual scowl and turned around to see Allen standing behind him with a polite smile on his face.

Kanda made a dismissive grunting sound that was still also sort of a greeting and then he turned back to the door to pull it open. At least that was what he _tried _to do but then Allen's hand shot out as fast as a rattlesnake and took a tight hold around his forearm. He turned his head in Allen's direction so quickly he was dimly surprised that he didn't get whiplash. He glared at Allen's suspicious yet concerned face. So annoying.

"Are you all right?" he asked while looking right into his eyes as if he were looking for the truth.

"_Yes,_ I'm _fine. _Now let _go_ of me!" Kanda snapped angrily.

But his voice was raspy and dry due to his cold and Allen just ended up looking even more concerned and suspicious, though he looked a bit annoyed now as well. No one could annoy Allen like Kanda.

"You don't sound too peachy. And you look so pale and tired." He argued and Kanda cursed at him in his mind.

Damn him, why did he have to be so freaking perceptive?

"It's nothing," he said in his raspy voice, the words grating against his parched throat.

Allen looked like he was about to protest but then something happened, something Kanda had been sincerely hoping wouldn't happen while others were around to hear or see him do it. Kanda sneezed. It came before he could stop it and he froze as he watched Allen's expression transform to concern and suspicious and irritation to indulgence and only mild concern. He'd realized that the only thing wrong with Kanda was a little cold and had now redirected his attention to something far more important, bugging Kanda.

"Oh, you sneeze like a kitten!" Allen cooed.

Kanda blinked, startled. Whatever he'd expected to come out of Allen's mouth that certainly wasn't it. Allen chuckled and brought his right hand up to his mouth and bit down on the tip of his glove, slipping it off his normal hand. He then brought it up to Kanda's forehead and took his temperature before Kanda could even think to stop him.

"Ah, you're burning up. You should go to bed or something." Allen said, his visible concern doubling yet a tiny smile lingered on his lips.

But Kanda didn't care about that stupid little smile; he was still caught up on what Allen had just said.

"_Like a kitten?_" Kanda said incredulously.

"Like a kitten," Allen confirmed with a decisive nod.

Kanda felt the outrage bubbling up inside of him.

"I do _not _sneeze like a kitten!"

"You kinda do."

"Do not."

"Do to."

"Do _not._"

"Do _to. _It was adorable."

_Adorable?! _Kanda had never, in his entire life, been called adorable. The fact that it was Allen who was doing it just made it worse. He gaped at Allen for a moment before he had to stop to have a sudden coughing fit into his sleeve. When he looked up from his sleeve, his eyes prickling with unshed tears, he saw Allen's face yet again taken up by concern. He growled under his breath and reached for Mugen but before he could even reach the hilt Allen suddenly had a hold of his shoulders and was steering him away from the cafeteria.

"O-oi! Where are we going?" Kanda said.

"To the infirmary, of course." Allen answered in a matter-of-fact voice.

That stopped Kanda up short for a moment before he remembered what exactly the infirmary entailed. It entailed the crazy nurse, the restrictive bed, the weapon ban, the forced sick days that were far too many for a simple cold. He ground his heels into the stone floor; Allen somehow managed to keep on pushing him along.

"No! Wait!" Kanda said with panic bubbling up inside of him.

Allen stopped. Kanda blinked. Huh. He hadn't actually expected Allen to stop. Who would have known that 'wait' would have been so effective? Allen was looking at him with a curious yet patient look in his eyes. Kanda had no idea why the Bean Sprout was concerned enough to drag him to the infirmary in the first place.

"I… I'm not that sick. Really." He amended when he saw Allen's skeptical look.

He suddenly sneezed again and Allen's face softened. Kanda felt a vein throb in his forehead when he saw it; he could practically hear Allen's train of thought, _just like a kitten…_

"Yes you are. You're sneezing and coughing and you look pale and tired. And you're way weaker than usual. Usually by now you'd have managed to fight me off." Allen said.

And there was the outrage again. He was not weak!

"How'd you like it if I dumped you in the infirmary against your will?" Kanda said.

He watched as Allen's eyes glazed over as he imagined what it would be like to be trapped in the clutches of the evil nurse yet again. He shuddered.

"Well, all right, fair point." Allen said.

Kanda began to look smug but Allen saw and quickly intervened.

"_But,_"

"But what?" Kanda said angrily.

All this talking was taking its toll on his throat…

"But you're definitely going to take it easy for the next few days. No missions, no training, no pushing yourself. Just go and sleep." Allen said.

Kanda briefly toyed with the idea of arguing before he washed his hands off the idea. If he denied then the Bean Sprout would undoubtedly drag him to the crazy nurse, he was right, he was too weak to fight him off right then. Kanda scowled and nodded curtly.

Allen gave him a beaming smile and Kanda walked back to his bedroom all the while acting like he wasn't blushing. Allen chuckled again.

"So cute…" he whispered to himself.

Later when he dramatically burst into the room with a bowl of chicken soup in his hands Kanda acted cute yet again by immediately waking up and acting delirious before he came to and proceeded to try and beat the laughing Bean Sprout's skull in with the spoon he'd handed him. Allen just snickered and got more chicken soup.

* * *

Besides the ending feeling kind of forced I'm quite happy with this chapter. Sorry for not updating as quickly as usual, I had a mini writers block for a moment! Please review!


	46. Realization

**Realization**

They'd killed them all. They had made sure of it, not a single damn akuma remained. It was just him, Allen and some Finder that hadn't said a single word so far during the mission. They'd been sent by Komui to a small, quaint village at least three days travel away that had been plagued by akuma attacks for several weeks, the akuma were now dead. They were ready to leave in a couple of hours when the train would arrive; meanwhile they were willing away the time at a nearby bar. The Finder was sitting in a corner, sullenly drinking a mug of ale; Kanda supposed the sullenness had something to do with the fact that he'd lost his left arm during the mission. Kanda himself was standing besides the door, eager to leave. Allen was finishing his seventeenth serving of food, right about now he'd be done and just order a glass of red wine to sip at till the time to leave came.

It hadn't been a difficult mission, but it had been more than pesky. Just two level two's, but they had been skilled at hiding themselves, if it weren't for Allen's eye they'd probably never have found them. The mission had lasted an entire week, which was a lot for such weak akuma. As soon as they'd found them they'd killed them swiftly and ruthlessly.

The bar was dirty, but the food was good, Kanda himself had had a cup of frankly amazing soba. The inhabitants of the bar matched their surroundings, gruff and big and smelly and loud with their rude jokes and hooting laughter and yellow teeth and bad tattoos.

Allen was just taking a sip from his glass of wine (looking like some sort of angel as the sunlight shone through the grimy window to put him in a spotlight) when one of the aforementioned gruff and smelly brutes approached the Exorcist. The brute had a shaved head and a wild tangle of a beard, he smelled worse than some corpses Kanda had witnessed and he was obviously more than a little inebriated. He didn't like the look he was shooting Allen.

Allen delicately set down the glass and his (doe-like) silver eyes rose to see the drunken fool. Kanda couldn't hear what was being said from where he was standing but he could easily guess. The man leaned heavily on the table Allen was sitting at and he grinned a big open-mouthed drooling smile. Allen, non-judging Samaritan he was, didn't so much as blink, he just sat there with a patient smile on his face as if the man was going to say something worthy of his attention. Kanda couldn't hear the exact words, but he could hear the sauced over-confidant tone the man was using. He was shamelessly hitting on Allen.

It seemed as if the rest of the bar faded out of existence right about then, all Kanda could see was Allen and the man. Tunnel vision. He felt a boiling hot _something _well up in his chest and he found himself having to suddenly grind his teeth together to stop himself from yelling curses. Allen looked a tad flustered now, innocent, victimized, in need of help. The man's ugly smile widened when he saw Allen's distress and leaned closer to Allen, thoroughly breaching his space bubble and making significantly uncomfortable.

And Kanda felt odd. He felt for the first time like killing someone. When he killed akuma he did it with a cold detached sense of duty. When he killed Alma he did with fearful sense of survival instinct. When he killed Noah he did it with the same sense of duty as he used on akuma. But this was different. There was boiling hot anger sloshing in his chest, trying to force its way up his throat to take over his mouth which he would use to shout and yell and curse and bit, he could see nothing but Allen and the man he so wanted to kill, could think of nothing but sinking his blade into the bastard. It seemed a like a completely reasonable thing to do.

The man leaned in closer, raising his hand to do something to Allen. Maybe he was about to ruffle his hair, punch him in the face, cup his face, grasp his chin, grab his collar, rip open his shirt, fondle him. Who knew? No one. No one would ever know what the man had been about to do with his hand because tight then and there Kanda's brittle patience snapped in half. The man was lucky he was too angry to remember he had a freaking sword.

He lunged forward with incredible speed and he was halfway across the bar in no time. His hand clenched around the man's arm with terrifying strength and he looked at the man's startled expression with one that immediately sobered the shithead up. He didn't look to see what Allen's expression was. Because he had just had a realization. He'd had a sudden realization as he figured out why he wanted to kill the man talking to Allen. And it was the sort of realization that made it hard for you to look into the eyes of the one you'd had the realization about, at least right away.

He spun the man around and shoved him hard into the wall behind him. He then punched him with all his strength, he felt gratified when he saw the two teeth shooting out of the man's mouth accompanied by a small shower of blood and saliva. It glittered in the sunlight. By the time the teeth hit the ground Kanda had already knocked three more out along with the man's consciousness. The bar was silent as Kanda breathed hard and looked down at the slumped form of the scumbag.

"Kanda…" came the small uncertain voice of Allen along with a tentative hand to his shoulder.

And now bile was rising in his throat and he felt sick. Allen's voice shouldn't be that small and uncertain around him, his hand not that tentative and hesitant when touching him. Not when he'd realized what he'd realized. He forced himself to look behind him. Everyone was staring at him, the Finder looked confused, and Allen was very close. His hand was still on his shoulder and he looked worried and a little bit confused. Kanda swallowed heavily as he looked at Allen's face. It was a nice, pleasant face. Kanda wondered how long he'd be able to stare at that face, he was sure he could do a pretty long time.

Kanda turned back to the unconscious man when he felt the unfamiliar feeling of blood rushing to his face and he kicked the man in his stomach several times viciously to relieve some steam. Because that was his realization. He realized why he wanted to kill the man that had sauntered up to Allen with a dangerous look in his eyes and a grabby hand. He realized why he thought Allen was pretty. Realized why Allen made him feel so strange. Realized that he… loved Allen. He kicked the man again.

"Let's go…" he mumbled before striding towards the door.

He walked for at least three minutes before he heard hurrying footsteps behind him, he didn't turn around to look. But out of the corner of his eye he saw a flash of white before the footsteps slowed down. And he couldn't look away from that flash. And as they walked and as the Finder struggled to catch up with them while carrying all of the luggage there fell a heavy tense silence that lasted for almost ten minutes before Allen broke it.

"Thank you." He said sincerely.

And Kanda knew he was thanking him about stopping the man, thanking him because he was too much of a softie when it came to humans to stop him on his own, thanking him for his own special brand of chivalry. And Kanda felt okay with his realization now.


	47. Blood

**Blood**

Kanda isn't bothered by blood, as long as it isn't Allen's.

He's seen a lot of blood in his short life, both his own, his allies, his enemies and that of innocent bystanders. He's seen a child get ruthlessly decapitated in front of his own family, he's seen a woman get raped in the middle of the street in broad daylight, he's shoved his sword into many akuma chests, and the only reason he hasn't died of blood loss yet is because of his curse tattoo. So no, he doesn't have a problem with blood.

But Allen's blood is different.

There are a couple of different reasons for why it is.

For example, he knows it's just in his head, that it cannot be real, yet it looks almost as if Allen's blood is different. It must be the lighting, must be his eyes, it must be his imagination or _something. _But it doesn't matter if it's not real; it still didn't change the fact that Allen's blood was undeniably different. It didn't look as dark as other people's blood, almost as if it were a shade or two lighter, more innocent, more pure, less tainted, more precious. Such light red blood, almost pink really, should not be shed under any circumstances. Such blood had to be preserved within the stupid martyrs veins so that the beautiful blood could not be sullied by the cruel harshness outside in the real world.

And whenever Allen bled he was afraid. Afraid for Allen. Not just because whenever he bled it was usually in a life threatening situation, but because there was always so much of it. Allen had once, during a perfectly peaceful day at the castle with no enemies in sight, walked straight into a door because he hadn't been looking, he'd broken his nose and it had bled. And Kanda had been afraid, he'd felt silly when he felt adrenaline and fear for his ally flow through him even though it was just a tiny injury, nothing really, as if it were a mortal wound at a battlefield, but he'd still been afraid. Because Allen had bled. A lot. The blood had flowed thick and strong and ceaselessly and before even two minutes had passed Allen was already tottering on his feet as blood continued to pour down his pale frame and Kanda had, without hesitation, flung the Bean Sprout over his shoulder and run for the infirmary as quickly as possible. Allen bled a lot. He had needed blood transfusions. Kanda always kept a careful eye on Allen now, battlefield or no. He was a danger to himself.

And it's _Allen. _Allen shouldn't bleed. Sure, he did it often, every chance he got, but it wasn't _fair. _Kanda didn't care if the world wasn't fair, didn't care if there were hundreds of millions other people out there in the world that were bleeding; it was just Allen that was important. He didn't deserve to bleed, if there was anyone that didn't deserve to bleed it was Allen, no one was kinder than him, no one more merciful, no one more forgiving or understanding or patient or just generally saint-like. The Pope could go to Hell, Allen had him beat fair and square.

So when Allen bleeds Kanda his brain tends to shut down and is unable to function until it had done several things. The first of these many things is to check if there are enemies, more specifically the enemy that had possibly harmed the Moyashi. If there were any enemies they were to be swiftly terminated. If there weren't any and all possible threats, broken shards, wild animals, nature disasters etc, were to be disintegrated. If Allen had somehow managed to do harm unto himself on accident then he were to check if he could help somehow, put pressure on the wound, yank out the shrapnel, shove the arm back into the socket, CPR, pick out the thorn, suck on the finger where he'd gotten the paper cut, rush to the infirmary or any other place with a doctor person, etc. And if there wasn't anything that he could to help he would fall back to his backup plan and hug and comfort Allen while hoping for the best, praying for Allen's health, shouting for help at the top of his lungs. Kanda wasn't quite sure what he'd do if wasn't able to any of these things if-when-Allen bled, but he was sure it wasn't a pretty sight.

The fear would flow through his veins and rush to his head, his palms becoming sweaty and his chest growing tight. When he watched Allen bleed he would feel a physical pain, it was that bad. There was just something innately _wrong _about a bleeding Allen Walker.

It said something about Yuu Kanda's luck that the thing he feared the most happened on a regular basis.


	48. Cold

**Cold**

Kanda's skin is cold to the touch, but Allen likes it on a warm night.

He doesn't know why Kanda's always so cold (maybe something to do with his blood type?), he just is. But that doesn't mean he shies away from Kanda's touch. Kanda touches Allen often. There are small lingering touches throughout the day when he's with Kanda, Kanda tucking his hair behind his ear, Kanda tapping his shoulder for his attention, Kanda touching his lips when he wants him to shut the Hell up, Kanda ruffling his hair for the heck of it, Kanda cupping his face when they kiss, he takes each and every chance he gets to touch him. Allen lets him, no matter how cold he is. He supposes that might actually be why he touches him, if Kanda is so cold for Allen, Allen must be very warm to Kanda.

No matter how cold he is, Allen doesn't mind. He doesn't mind if Kanda's cold feet make him yelp in the middle of the night when it's already cold enough, he doesn't mind if Kanda's kisses are like snowflakes gently falling on his face, he doesn't even mind it when Kanda's leg is pressed up against his own while their watching a movie, the cold seeping in through his pants leg and making him shiver.

He never mentions it and he never complains.

Because even though Kanda is cold, he is still Kanda. And Kanda's coldness can be a good thing sometimes. Possibly Allen's favorite thing to do is to snuggle up with Kanda on the couch when it's a hot summer day, clinging to him during the feverishly hot nights. But he knows just as how it's uncomfortable to touch Kanda's cold skin during the winter it is uncomfortable for Kanda to touch his no doubt warm skin when its thirty degrees outside. So he tries to limit himself, tries to indulge himself as little as possible when it's hot and boiling. But he can't stop himself, it's not even about the overwhelming heat, he just wants to feel Kanda's reassuring coldness. And he knows that this is what it must be like for Kanda, he realizes that Kanda must have realized that he is horribly cold for Allen, realized that he should try and restrain himself and not be a selfish bother, realized that Kanda couldn't control himself either. And this makes Allen feel better. It makes him feel less selfish when he hugs Kanda from behind when the heat becomes too much, it makes him feel better that Kanda can't control himself around him and much touch him, that he's not the only one.

But Allen can see that it makes Kanda feel slightly guilty that he selfishly touches Allen all the time. So Allen rewards him for letting him touch him during the summer by showing that he doesn't mind. He touches Kanda as well, even when it's in the middle of the winter, even when it's freezing. He rewards Kanda all day long with small lingering touches that make him want to shake and breathe hot air on his hands that are already gloved. He smiles when he notices that Kanda's vaguely guilty expression fades, and he smiles even more when Kanda starts giving him small touches during the hot summer.

It's sweet really, Allen thinks. Its sweet how they depend on and forgive each other, how they speak silently, communicating without a word.

Allen doesn't think he'll ever leave Kanda, doesn't think he'll ever be able to replace his cold touch. Kanda is unique. Special. He's not one to believe in soul mates but when he's with Kanda his suspension of disbelief will briefly lift and romantic and stupid thoughts of destiny and fate will run through his head.

And that is why he hugs Kanda even when it's cold, even if he's already freezing he'll give Kanda as many lingering touches as he can handle. He loves how Kanda always leans into them.

* * *

Short but sweet, wha tdo you guys think?


	49. Music

**Music**

The first time it happened it was raining.

He had been staring out of the classroom window with his head in the clouds, his eyelids heavy and his attention anywhere but where he was. The classroom was completely silent unless you counted the teacher's droning voice that just made Kanda all the more sleepy. He didn't even know what the teacher was talking about and he couldn't care less.

And then… a song. A hummed melody. The haunting tune seized Kanda's dwindling attention like a rusty bear trap to the foot and his eyes flashed forwards to the seat in front of him. A shock of white hair met his eyes. It was that weird kid, Allen Walker. The one with the weird pentagram scar that he'd been rumored to have inflicted on himself because how else could his scar have that shape? The kid with the bright white hair, the constant mysterious gloves, the unmovable polite smile. He was sitting in front of him, humming some tuneless melody. It was beautiful.

Kanda had never talked to Walker, saw no reason to. He wasn't a sociable person after all, usually the only reason he'd talk to someone at all would be to curse them out. Plus even if he wanted to talk he definitely wouldn't want to do so with such a weirdo. Barely anyone talked to Walker, his only friend was that Lenalee girl that everyone avoided because she had that overprotective brother, the science teacher.

But Kanda had to concede that he sure could hum a good song. Kanda wasn't one for music and even he had to admit the quiet song that even he could barely hear was incredible. He wondered how Walker sounded when he actually sang, he should join the choir or something.

Kanda's slumped pose straightened up so he could better listen to the humming. There was nothing else to do, he was bored as Hell, yet he couldn't afford to be caught sleeping in class again. He was just listening to a nice song when he had nothing else to do. It didn't mean that he had to talk with the weirdo or anything.

The melody was sad and mournful and the falling rain outside went perfectly as background sound for the humming. He propped his chin on his hand and closed his eyes and started to listen intently. It wasn't anything special.

He was just listening to a song.

The second time it happened it was sunny.

He wasn't even at school. It was Saturday and he had basically nothing to do but avoid his house, Tiedoll (he refused to call him his father) was being supremely annoying that day. Kanda hated the fact that he got so crazy every time it was his birthday. Marie had gotten him an envelope with a hundred dollars inside, Daisya had baked the horrible, horrible cake, and Tiedoll had gotten him some sword maintenance supplies (which he liked) and a shrine of himself (which he liked a bit less, he burned it). He'd stuck around for as long as Tiedoll managed to keep him trapped within his grasp (which was an agonizingly long time) and then made his swift escape (Marie and Daisya completely and fully understood).

So now he was wandering the streets with no phone, no wallet, and no keys, and absolutely nothing to do. He'd willingly visit Lavi over his cold, dead body. So he did what all moneyless, bored people did when they wanted to avoid talking to people. He went to the park.

It was a nice and sunny day and he had nothing to do. Why shouldn't he go to the damn park?

The park was a pleasant enough place, healthy green grass with cobblestone paths and what not. Flowers bloomed and trees towered, birds sang and children squealed. Kanda grimaced and did a U-turn, deciding to take the walk through the park that was as far away from the playground as possible. He walked right past the mother hens on the benches, the snotty children on the monkey bars, the dog walkers, the homeless man with the accordion, the blushing couples and the joggers until he was deep into the large park. He wasn't even walking on the path anymore, there were less flowers now and more weed, the place had a slightly more wild untended look to it now. Kanda liked it.

He walked and walked and walked aimlessly for quite some time, actually sort of enjoying himself. But then he heard something incredibly familiar. Somehow, even though it had been months ago, he instantly recognized it as Allen Walker. He didn't know why, but the humming had stuck out in his mind for some reason. His footsteps slowed until he was silently tiptoeing and then he carefully peered around a great big oak tree. And there Allen Walker was sitting.

He was sitting beneath another tree, study books spread out around him. He wasn't paying the least bit attention to the books, his eyes shut, the sunshine shining on his face beautifully, his mouth elegantly moving, creating different forms from which different notes escaped. The song didn't have lyrics, but it wasn't humming, it was full out singing. Allen Walker clearly thought he was alone as he was singing on the top of his lungs unlike the time when he'd been humming as quietly as he could while in the classroom.

Kanda closed his eyes and leaned against the oak tree he was hiding behind. The song, it was beautiful. It clearly wasn't an actual song, Allen Walker was just making it up on the spot, but it was still amazing. Kanda thought about what a coincidence it was he'd found his classmate at complete random. He thought about how… special his voice was, how good he was at singing. He thought about how Allen Walker would no doubt stop singing the moment he saw him out of embarrassment, he didn't want him to stop. He had nothing to do and he lov- liked, he _liked _hearing Allen Walker sing. Not love.

Anyways. Kanda resolved not to reveal himself and merely bask in the moment until it was over. And so he quietly settled down behind the oak tree and closed his eyes. It wasn't long before he was deep asleep. By the time he woke up it was nearly dawn of the next morning, his family was frantic, the police was at his doorstep, he was freezing, and possibly worst of all, Allen Walker was gone. When he told the police and his family that he'd fallen asleep in the park he hadn't mentioned a word about a certain Allen Walker.

The third time it happened it was snowing.

Unlike the other two times he wasn't bored, he actually had something he had to do, and fast. There was to be a big test that day that would be thirty five percent of his math grade and he had completely forgotten about it. He had to study immediately before math period in an hour. He was running down the hallway to his classroom where he would snatch his math book and start reading the text book repeatedly until he passed out when he heard it.

He was passing an empty abandoned music classroom when he heard it. He was in the useless part of the school that was the farthest away from his classroom. He always ate lunch there where no annoying people could find and bother him. But then he heard it. A piano. A soft humming to match the tune. He froze in his tracks, instantly recognizing the familiar haunting quality to the song. It seemed Allen had a certain taste when it came to music, haunting and sad. He remembered the boring class, the cold night in the park where he'd slept for over twelve hours straight. He remembered the music, he'd just not given it much of a thought.

His eyes slid over to the door the music was coming from. The door was ajar. He didn't have time for this, he had to study immediately. But… he couldn't leave. As if they had a mind of his own his feet silently took one quiet step after the other until he was right by the ajar door. He peered into the dusty room. The air was musty and stale, the wood rotting and old, cobwebs in every corner, but there was a large, grand piano right smack in the middle of the room. And there was Allen playing away at it.

Allen looked ethereal, otherworldly. His eyes were closed and his gloved fingers were flying across the keys with ease. There was a small smile on his face despite the sad tune. It wasn't his usual, irritating, fake, polite smile, this smile was real, genuine, beautiful. It made him look so much more… less annoying.

His breath hitched as he watched, listened, took it in, wasted his time that he should have been using to frantically study. He kept telling himself over and over again to run to the classroom, to rip his eyes away and get moving. He ended up staying until the song was finished. He sprinted before Allen could begin with another song and Kanda became hypnotized again.

And after that it happened again. And again and again and again. And each time was better than the last, each time more beautiful. And each time he grew more enamored, more infatuated.

The end results was that Allen ended up, much to his confusion, with a secret admirer and Kanda ended up, much to his annoyance, with a _very _bad math grade.

* * *

Last chapter... no reviews... WHY DOES NOBODY LOVE ME! Ah, I kid. What did you guys think about _this _chapter?


	50. Couple

**Couple**

Their first kiss was, no matter how you looked at it, not magical or beautiful or romantic by any means. They'd been glaring at each other angrily, bodies wired and tense, ready to pounce. And then they had, it was just a different sort of pouncing than they'd originally thought. It wasn't like one of those kisses were you weren't quite sure who started it, they both most definitely lunged at each other at exactly the same time.

Their teeth had clacked into each other painfully, their noses bumping, their rhythm off, and their hands fumbling and clumsy, frantically trying to rip the other's clothes off without stopping in their attempt to suck the other's face off. It had been hot and urgent and they didn't actually end up having sex all the way. Of all things they ended up _dry humping. _When they woke up Allen had to hide in the bathroom until Kanda's father, Tiedoll, went away to work or something. Allen had had to wash the inside of his pants with wet toilet paper while Kanda made up excuses for the hickey on his neck in the other room. Close call, that was.

They hadn't had any dramatic confessions of everlasting love afterwards either. They just acted completely casual, as if the fact that they were suddenly… an _item _wasn't weird or unusual or sudden at all. They didn't talk about it all, just acted as if they had always been together like that. They didn't shout out to the heavens that they were an item either, they kept acting like always and the only reason their closest friends even knew was because Lenalee had walked in on them doing it in some random broom closet and had immediately told Lavi.

They weren't lovey dovey or anything like that either, just because they were an item now. They still fought just as much as before, if not more. They still disagreed and fought and when they made up they didn't have serious talks or kiss each other dramatically, they would just go and do something like watch a movie to cement the fact that they weren't mad at each any more at the moment, when it was a good day they just had angry sex.

There was absolutely nothing romantic or beautiful and magical about their relationship. If it weren't for the fact that they were fucking, that they would die and kill for each other in a heartbeat, that they slept in the same bed whenever Kanda's dad was out of town, then there wouldn't be a reason to think that they were a couple, just tight knit best friends that fought a lot.

But they were a couple.

And maybe it was because of the fact that they didn't ape after melodramatic people on soap operas, maybe because they were different from the other couples, maybe because they did nothing couples should and did everything they shouldn't, but whatever it was that they were doing it made them different. They never broke up. They never even had a serious argument (nickname and food related arguments did not count as serious arguments). They got frustrated and mad at each other, they hurt each other's feelings and they occasionally punched the other. But they never hated each other. They always, always loved each other deep down.

Even if their first kiss wasn't magical, even if if their romance wasn't actually romantic, even if their relationship wasn't beautiful, even if they fought and argued and never did things couples were supposed to do, they still loved each other. They still loved each other with all they were and they did it truly.

They may not be magical or beautiful or romantic but in their eyes they were the best damn couple out there.

* * *

Holy shit guys, this is the 50th chapter! God, I'm so awesome. I did it! I'm halfway there! I'm actually going to be able to_ do_ this! BO FUCKING _YEAH!_


	51. Alone

**Alone**

Debris and dust and plaster flew through the air, blood was coughed and splattered and shed, screams of pain and despair and rage and horror tore through the air as missiles were launched and bullets were shot and metal met metal in a frantic battle of swords and weapons and survival. It was a familiar scene.

"No…"

_I don't want to die._

His shoulder was bleeding heavily, he was so tired and exhausted it felt as if there wasn't blood running through his veins but melted lead. It felt like he had battled for an eternity, his entire life and longer, and in a way he had. His body as covered in small nicks and bruises and scrapes sluggishly bleeding. He was covered in soot and his hair had escaped its ponytail, the strands getting into his eyes and mouth as he dodged and stabbed and parried and slashed, no time to swipe it out of his face so that he could see better. His torn and dirty uniform was covered in mud and blood, most of it not his.

"No…" he whispered quietly to himself, his secret mantra.

_I want to live._

He was surrounded by death and enemies and chaos on all sides. But he had Mugen in his hands, he was exhausted but he could still push his body just a bit more, he wasn't all that seriously hurt, and if he was then his tattoo would take care of it. He wasn't going to lose, he wasn't going to die. It was just like any other battle he had fought, it didn't stand out in any way at all. Just a regular ol' akuma vs. Exorcists were the Exorcists would win as usual. His face showed the chaotic world around him of the fact that he knew this, it was confident and stoic, brave and fearless, unreadable and lying. ¨

"No…" he whispered to himself again so quietly that the akuma who's throat he was slitting couldn't even hear him.

_I have so much to live for. _

Did he? Did he really have all that much to live for? What did he have to live for _exactly? _More terrifying, life threatening battles? More lotuses? More suspicious and controlling, sadistic Order superiors? More of the hateful glares of his peers? More introspection that ended up just making him hate himself all the more? He didn't really have all that much to live for, he should just go ahead and die.

"No…"

But I want to live!

Did he? Why should he want to live. Why couldn't he just abandon all need for survival and just cut through his enemy without bothering to block their attacks? Why couldn't he just drive his own damn sword through his stomach? Why couldn't he just stop eating, stop drinking, stop sleeping and stop moving, take a page out of Lenalee's book and give up on life, let the bastard Order tie him down to his bed and put food in his mouth so that he could stare blankly at the ceiling with an empty mind and absent soul?

"No…"

He always did this. There was no reason, each and every time he fought and conquered, he survived. But evidently there was something wrong with him, something horribly, horribly wrong. Because every single Goddamn time he went into battle, unsheathed his Mugen and charged, he felt horrible all-consuming fear tear through him. He had been through countless battles, yet every time he gazed deep into the eyes of the akuma he was about to mercilessly slaughter he couldn't help but let his teeth clench, let his knees weaken just a tiny bit, his grip on Mugen tighten invisibly as pure fear ran up his spine as his mind screamed at him to run. To turn around. To abandon all the people that couldn't fight for themselves and save himself. To just run and run and run until his feet bled and then run some more.

He never followed that instinct, no matter how strong it was. Logically he knew that there was no reason to be quite _that _afraid of death after so many countless near death experiences. But he was. He had to in fact repeatedly whisper to himself, quietly so no allies would hear, no. he had to say _no, no, no_ again and again just to make himself feel the slightest bit better, just to stop himself from running away like a coward. He had to quietly deny to himself that there was a possibility that _that_ was the day he was going to die, that _that _akuma was the one that was going to kill him, that _this_ time there would be no sweet taste of victory, that he would be defeated and he would _die_.

Kanda didn't want to die.

He didn't have anything to live for but more fear. His life sucked and he had no true purpose but murder. Yet there was a raw, primal instinct inside of himself that was so unusually strong inside if him that it was barely hiding beneath the paper-thin surface.

"No…" he whispered to himself with fear and self-doubt. Maybe he wouldn't be able to save himself this time. Maybe this was the time some akuma managed to sneak up on him. Maybe, maybe, maybe. God, he was pathetic.

He would never be able to live it down if his allies, the people that called themselves his friends, found out about his intense fear, his cowardice. Lavi would grin supportingly all the while filing away the information to record for later because no matter how friendly he was he was still a Bookman in training. Lenalee would probably try to comfort him, hug him, squeeze his shoulder and smile understandingly. He feared Allen'd reaction the most. He didn't even want to try and imagine it. Allen fining out that the big, strong, boastful and confident Kanda was afraid, always afraid. Allen finding out that his rival, his friend, his ally, someone he respected and loved and hated and fought with was no more brave than your average toddler.

It was the stuff of nightmares.

So he tried not to think of it. And he tried not to think of the fact that he had to repeat a stupid mantra to calm himself down in battle, that he didn't want to die, that he basically begged for mercy inside his own mind where no one could hear him. He tried not to think about it. Just as he tried not to think about Alma or that whole big fiasco all those years ago with his past life and the Second Exorcist project and his dead lover and whatnot. He tried not to think of it.

_I don't want to die…_

And then he caught a sight of bright white hair and the next moment a sparkle of mischievous green and then a pair of shiny boots busily kicking away. And he felt his fear just grow a bit less intense. They were still all right at the very least, and if he got into any horrible trouble they'd be there to help him as always.

…_alone _


	52. Snowball

**Snowball**

Allen snorted, his gloved hands flying to his mouth to fruitlessly try to muffle the sudden explosion of laughter that erupted from it. Kanda whirled around and gave him the filthiest glare he could muster. It wasn't all that intimidating, what with the rosy cheeks flushed from the cold, the fluffy tasseled scarf Tiedoll had forced upon him, and the bright white snow sticking to his hair and scarf.

"_Bean Sprout…_" he snarled with tightly clenched fists at his side and grinding teeth.

It was adorable.

At least it was until Kanda charged towards him with raised fists and a sharp battle cry. But then it got cute again when he immediately tripped in the snow that reached his knees, falling facedown with the most endearing surprised face known to man and a little yelp that made Allen fall to his knees gasping with laughter as he held his sides in pain.

Throwing a snowball at the back of Kanda's head was so worth this.

Allen had just started crying with mirth when suddenly, out of freakin' _nowhere_, something cold and highly unexpected smacked him right in his laughing face. That wiped the smile of his face. He wiped the densely packed snow away from his face and blinked up at Kanda's smug smirking face with confusion for all of five seconds before what had just happened hit him like a snowball to the face. Kanda had retaliated.

His face twisted into a challenging, confident smile that may possibly have looked just a _tiny _bit arrogant. Oh, so that was how he was going to play, was it? The bastard wanted to rumble? Wanted to take on the _Goddamn champion of snowball fights? _

"Bring it." he bit out before diving out of the way of another snowball just in the nick of time.

The bright sun shone on the dazzling white snow, nearly blinding him. The sky was a bright blue without a cloud despite the fact that the ground below was covered in a thick blanket of powdery snow. It wasn't all that cold; it was actually kind of warm. It was a good ol' boring Sunday, there was nothing to do, no missions, no meals for hours, absolutely nothing to do but take a walk with a guy you constantly argued with through the courtyard.

Allen dove into the powdery snow, his hair blending in perfectly, the rest of him not so much. He hurriedly crammed two handfuls of snow together tightly, trying to create a nice, big snowball before Kanda to hurl at the idiot. He twisted around, still kneeling in the snow at his knees, and he hurled the snowball at Kanda. But it seemed that Kanda had actually been waiting for just that because then all of a sudden Kanda threw a snowball he'd been hiding behind his back so that it perfectly collided with Allen's snowball mid-air.

Allen couldn't resist a happy smile. He loved a challenge. And it looked like Kanda was in agreement of that, if his smirk-that-wasn't-quite-a-smile-but-almost was anything to go by. Allen prided himself on the fact that he was the one who could lure that smily-smirk forth so easily.

The next couple of hours were a blur of snow and shouting and wrestling in the cold, cold snow as the bright sun shone down on them. It was okay, they had nothing else to do but waste their time with snowball fights. And anyways, they were Exorcists; they might die in battle _anytime _so it was important to enjoy life whenever they had the chance.

Allen dimly thought that Kanda looked sort of cute with his cheeks flushed a rosy red as Allen straddled him, trying to shove as much snow down his shirt as possible before Kanda overpowered him again and managed to forcibly retrieve the upper hand yet again. His hair had been knocked out of its usual ponytail ages ago, snowflakes stuck to the blueish strands and the hair went absolutely _everywhere. _It flew behind him like a cape whenever he made a flying leap, it stuck to Kanda's face with the melting snow giving him an oddly appealing look (hair sticking to his flushed face with sweat and a look of come-hither as the shirt came off and that was what was appealing even though that didn't actually happen as they grappled in the snow), it got into his eyes, into his mouth, it even sometimes got into _Allen's _face as they wrestled.

It was fun. It was childish and nonsensical and they were wasting time, but it was fun. More fun than Allen and Kanda had had in a long time.

Allen was so Goddamn happy that he threw that first snowball.

* * *

I just noticed that most of my drabbles Kanda and Allen are already together, so I decided to write this short fluffy thing where they aren't really together yet but the love is totally there. What do you guys think?


	53. Dream

**Dream**

"I had the strangest dream last night." Lenalee announced, gracefully setting down her teacup with her eyes closed thoughtfully.

The occupants of the cafeteria table looked at her with slight confusion at her out-of-the-blue remark. Allen, who had already eaten his humongous breakfast, set down his cup of coffee as well and gave her an odd look.

"Where did that come from?" he asked.

"Well I felt like talking, but nobody was talking. So there. Now we have a subject. It really was a peculiar dream." Lenalee said like it was the most normal thing in the world to do.

Exorcists weren't known for their social grace.

"Um… well. What was the dream about?" Allen asked, he didn't want to be impolite after all.

Lavi perked up at the thought of gaining more information, no matter how useless or inconsequential it may be. Kanda just continued eating his soba.

"Well you see I was just walking through the castle, opening random doors for absolutely no reason. And then when opening some random door I saw you and Kanda banging." Lenalee said with a perfectly straight face, not a tremor in her voice.

Lavi abruptly burst into laughter and Kanda choked on his soba. Allen was left silently gaping at Lenalee with wide eyes. Was it just him or was she a bit more spontaneous and unexpected than usual that day?

Lenalee raised her teacup, daintily taking a sip to cover up her small devious smile. Lenalee wasn't the most subtle matchmaker.

"The two of you looked like you were enjoying it quite much as well." She went on, as if she didn't notice the extreme reactions around her to her casual remarks.

"I- I…" Allen tried and failed to say something, _anything, _but unfortunately his brain had collapsed in on itself with nothing but a horribly, embarrassingly vivid picture of him and Kanda screwing to fill his poor little head.

Allen dimly noticed that Lavi had by that time falling off the bench to curl up on himself on the floor as tears streamed down his gleeful face, his hands clutching his sides as a wheezing silent laughter escaped him.

Kanda was still choking on his soba. He actually looked kind of blue and panicky. And… was that _tears _forming at the corner of his eyes?

Suddenly a realization dawned on Allen as Lenalee turned back to her breakfast.

Kanda was choking.

"Sweet lion fighting baby Jesus." Allen whispered to himself.

He immediately flew into action, jumping across the table before you could even say "hero complex". He dashed behind Kanda and embraced him from behind and started performing the Heimlich maneuver. After about thirty seconds a small ball of tangled noodles shot out of Kanda's mouth like a bullet and flew across the cafeteria until it actually managed to smack Komui in the back of his head.

Allen released Kanda from the sort-of hug and he slumped in his seat and sucked in air gratefully. Now it was Lenalee who was staring with a slack jaw and wide eyes and Lavi had finally shut his trap. Allen gave a relieved sigh and slumped to the floor.

And then Lenalee sighed to herself. She shouldn't have tried to usher nature on, Kanda and Allen were doomed to bang each other sooner or later. It was obvious. She went back to sipping her tea with a slightly guilty expression on her face as she watched the boys somehow degrade into some sort of argument despite the fact that one of them had just saved the other's life.

Lavi looked at her knowingly and, deciding to play along, said, "Oh yeah? You think _your_ dream's impressive? Well I have a reoccurring nightmare where I wear pants to the nudist beach, so awkward!"

Lenalee laughed long and hard, even when Allen and Kanda continued to fight.

* * *

Guys, firstly I would just like to apologize for the later-than-usual update, I blame writers block. Secondly, even though I don't respond to all of your reviews be assured that I read _every single one of them. _Thirdly, please review!


	54. Misunderstanding

**Misunderstanding**

"Ow,"

Lenalee just happened to be walking along, heading to the science department where she would distribute some coffee when she suddenly heard Allen's voice emanate from the door of Kanda's room that she happened to be passing. She paused curiously and listened.

"Sorry."

Kanda was apologizing?

"It's okay Kanda, just be- just be a bit more gentle."

Gentle?

"Yeah, yeah. You know this is my first time, it's hard!"

_First time?!_

"Hey, I had a hard first time too. You just gotta put your hand _here, _and _here _and don't grip too hard!"

Lenalee suddenly felt weak in the knees as her face rapidly heated up.

"I know, I know."

"Ouch!"

"Sorry!"

"It's okay, maybe we should switch positions."

I don't wanna-"

"You're not in any position to argue mister inexperienced."

"_Fine._"

"Yes, that's good!"

"Hmph,"

"You're a total natural at this."

"I don't even want to do this."

"I know but you've gotta learn _sometime_."

Lenalee gaped at the closed doors.

"Shut the Hell up. And slow down!"

"I _am _going slow!"

"No you're not! You're _rushing _me."

A terrified whimper escaped Lenalee and she finally sprinted away as fast as she could.

Inside Kanda's room Kanda glared at Allen.

"Ouch!" Allen yelped again when Kanda accidently stepped on Allen's foot yet again.

Kanda looked guiltily away and let his hands slip away from their perch on Allen's shoulders.

"Sorry," he grumbled yet again.

Allen sighed.

"It's okay; I can't count how many times I stepped on Mana's toes when he taught me how to dance. But you've got to know this before the Christmas ball that will be held next week.

"I bet you didn't hold his hand so tightly it almost broke."

Allen grinned with amusement and absentmindedly rubbed his smarting right hand.

"I've had my arm ripped off. I think I can handle having my hand squeezed a bit tight by some guy who's never learned how to dance. And anyways you're doing pretty well for a first-timer, you're a natural"

Kanda huffed and crossed his arms.

"I don't see why I hav'ta have the girl role, I'm never going to use that."

"Oh yeah?" Allen asked challengingly.

"What's _that _supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. Certainly not that you could be confused for a woman."

"_Bean Sprout…_"

Allen grinned again and bowed elegantly before Kanda.

"May I have this dance, Madame?"

Kanda kicked him in the shin.

* * *

*Giggle* I just love these funny kind of misunderstandings in fics. I have a feeling my update rate is kind of slowing down, it's just that my imagination is sort of dwindling after over fifty chapters. Sorry, but it's just so hard! But I'm not going to give up! Not even if I get cancer or lose an arm!


	55. Goal

**Goal**

Kanda didn't really have an immediate goal, no great ambition that he constantly worked for, dreamed of. There had just never seemed to be a time for him to acquire one.

He was "born" and the only thing he could do was pray for freedom, for the pain to stop. There was no time for goals, only quiet pleas for mercy.

And then Alma died (he killed him, he brutally, mercilessly, selfishly killed him) and Kanda (quiet and traumatized and _trust no one_) was given a uniform and sent off to the castle far away from the men with the syringes (that were now dead). He was trained harshly without reprieve for months before quickly being shipped off to his first mission far before he was ready enough. There had been blood and screaming and no sleep and far too many close-calls and at one point Kanda (still a small brittle child) had actually wet his pants. No time for goals then either, unless you counted _don't die, kill the enemies and live, don't let them see you cry _as a goal. Kanda didn't.

And then after many years he slowly but surely became desensitized to the violence, the pain, the suffering. Well, not really. He still saw each and every face, both akuma and Finder, both innocent bystander and fellow Exorcist, clear as day each night when he went to sleep. When he went to sleep at night he had to hold his breath until he blacked out or else he wouldn't be able to fall asleep at all. But now he could go months without throwing up his food, and forever without crying, without screaming, without smiling. He showed no weakness, not to these disgusting people who had made him and Alma suffer as children, not to the people who made him go through this Hell while giving him fake encouraging smiles and belittling pats to the head. Still the same not-goal. _Don't die, kill the enemies and live; don't let them see you cry. _

And then _he _had come along. That constantly smiling bastard. He was the direct opposite of Kanda in every possible way. Kanda scowled, Allen smiled, Kanda was a cynical grump, Allen looked at the bright sight of life, Kanda was impatient and rude and violent, Allen was patient and polite and very-nearly a pacifist.

The damn albino had probably never seen hardship in life. Not like Kanda. And then they were put on the same mission. Typical. But then Allen had fought, he'd survived on his own, and he'd cried for the old ugly man and the young doll that wasn't even real. He'd waited and cried and mourned when no one else was there to wait or cry or mourn. The way he had done it, the way he had waited and cried and mourned, instantly made a thought flash through Kanda's mind that he wished and wished would go away but it never would, it never would. _It doesn't look like this is the first time he's lost someone. _

That smiling little bastard had lost someone. Kanda was as sure of this as the fact that the sky was blue. And he could see now, how he smiled just like before only a few days after he'd been weeping like mad for an ugly old man and his mindless doll. He could see now that the smile was even faker than he'd first presumed; a veil to mask his hurt and pain. The person, or people, that Allen had lost… Kanda would bet anything that Allen's loss must have been just as painful and brutal and horrible as Alma's death had been to Kanda. He bet that it had been a horrifying experience, something awful must have happened, something that would have driven lesser people to suicide.

He still didn't have a goal.

But Allen did. He could see it in the way he carried himself, in the way he walked and talked and breathed and lived. Allen had a goal. A goal he was going to accomplish no matter what. Kanda didn't know what that goal was, but he had a feeling it was something grand, something large and amazing and bigger than himself. Something that would shake the very foundation of the earth. Because someone who could mourn like that and fight like that and smile like that must be someone extraordinary.

But slowly, without him even noticing, Kanda acquired a goal. It was a noble goal, a simple goal, a goal he would have to fight tooth and nail to accomplish. Kanda's goal was to keep Allen alive. He wanted Allen to live, to survive and fight and laugh and enjoy life and, most importantly of all, to accomplish his own goal. No matter what, Kanda wanted to see what that goal was, and he wanted to see it fulfilled.

Because he knew that when that goal was accomplished the world would be changed. And it could only be for the better. And Kanda was right. Allen's goal was something big and grand and earthshaking, something that changed the world forever. For the better.

That goal was something noble, something simple, something he fought tooth and nail for. Kanda's help had been a massive contribution that let Allen accomplish this goal. And this was Allen's goal. His goal was…

…to keep on walking.

* * *

I had to update this chapter twice 'cause I fucked up the first time. Oops. So what do you guys think of this chapter?


	56. Silence

**Silence**

All was silent.

Well, not really.

There was the endless background noise of people shouting and yelling and talking and laughing and singing outside of the inn, of people eating and jesting inside the in where the food was served. There was the sound of distant neighing horses, the sound of rain softly pattering on the roof and the howling wind.

There was the creak of the floorboards Allen stretched up on the tip of his toes to wrap his arms around Kanda's neck. There was the rustle of cloth as Kanda took of his coat and a small almost inaudible thud when both their shirts fell to the floor.

There was a loud thump and an even louder crash as they clumsily maneuvered their way over to the bed without stopping to separate their faces and passionate embraces and Allen accidently bumped into a tiny table, knocking a vase to the floor which shattered. Both of them ignored it utterly and completely. And then the springs of the bed creaked when Kanda coyly threw Allen at the bed who let out a breathless laugh as he bounced on the bed.

And then there was more rustling cloth, more bangs and thuds, and a _lot _more creaks coming from the bed.

So when you thought of it like that then the room wasn't quiet in any sense of the word. But in a way, it really was quiet. Very quiet. Because throughout the whole thing, throughout the kisses and touches and gasps and moans and more, neither of them had said a single word. Not a single "I love you" no "Harder" no "Oh God yes" no "Oh Kanda" no "Oh Allen" no swearing, no exclamations, no words of any kind.

But this wasn't because they weren't enjoying it. It wasn't even because they were trying to keep quiet, not wanting the other people in the inn to complain, or for the Finder in the room to find out and tell everyone when he came back to the castle. It was because words weren't needed.

Allen and Kanda took the comfortable silence to a whole new level and communicated silently. They truly "became one".

As corny as that sounded.

Allen smiled a breathless smile at his lover from across the bed, sheets tangled, hair messy and skin shiny with sweat. Kanda, hair spilling across the white pillow as if someone had spilled ink everywhere, smirked just a tad arrogantly and Allen laughed.

"Liked that did you?" he asked.

Allen hummed in confirmation, despite the fact that it was a rhetorical question. Kanda already knew that he "liked that" after all.

But now the silence was broken, the spell had been lifted. But Allen still didn't feel like getting up and picking up all of his clothes and taking a shower so that they could go out in the now pounding rain in a wild goose chase for akuma.

He smiled a tad mischievously and crawled with deliberate slowness to Kanda's side of the bed, without breaking eye contact. He leaned down to kiss him long and slow and sweet on the mouth and just like that the silence was back.

It would not be broken once for the next two hours.


	57. Firework

**Firework**

Allen fastened the scarf Kanda had given him around his neck and jammed his gloved hands into his pockets.

It was a chilly night. There were hundreds of people gathered around at the meadow, a nice place next to a forest that a poster had proclaimed would be the meeting place for anyone interested. There was a low constant murmur, people bundled in scarves and coats as they gazed with anticipation at the dark blue star speckled sky, not a cloud in sight. There were people sitting on picnic blankets or benches or portable chairs or the grass and some people were just plain standing. Allen was sitting at a plaid picnic blanket Lenalee had provided, Lavi, Lenalee and Kanda also sitting there. Lavi was whispering something into Lenalee's ear that was making her giggle. Kanda was silent, Allen was craning his head towards the sky, eagerly awaiting the first sparks.

Allen wasn't quite sure why Kanda gave him his scarf. He'd just been shivering a bit while they'd been looking for an available spot in the meadow to spread their blanket when all of a sudden Kanda casually offered him his scarf without even looking at him. Allen could have almost sworn that he was blushing, but that was stupid since Kanda wasn't the type to blush. The scarf was navy blue in color, the texture soft and tassels at the end that were fun to play with. It smelled like lotus flowers. It smelled like Kanda. Allen blushed a bit at the embarrassing, random thought.

Suddenly a whistle like sound spread through the meadow and the constant murmur died instantly, thoughts of lotus flowers and scarves knocked out of his head as he perked up at the sound.

The first firework had been set off.

It rose up into the air and exploded into a beautifully intricate red rose. The crowd aahed. Allen gave an excited smile, this was the first time he'd be watching fireworks, he was usually busy paying off his masters debts or something every New Years eve. He gasped as yet another firework exploded, gold-colored formations dancing across the sky.

He felt giddy and happy and for some reason he just wanted to turn around and say something to Kanda, he didn't know what. He just wanted to say something, he was having fun. But when he turned around, his eyes turned away from the sky for the first time since the first firework was fired fifteen minutes ago he saw something he hadn't expected. Kanda wasn't watching the fireworks like the others. He was looking at Allen. Kanda's eyes widened in surprise and he looked away quickly, guiltily, as if he hadn't been staring at Allen's face the entire time.

Allen blushed, his face feeling hot. Why had Kanda been looking at him? With a blush on his slightly breathless looking face? Allen squirmed a bit as the questions popped into his head. Allen continued looking at Kanda with shock and eventually Kanda looked back at him, clearly uncomfortable and embarrassed.

"_What._" He hissed so Lavi and Lenalee wouldn't hear as they oohed at yet another firework that Allen was suddenly not so interested in as he'd been a few minutes ago.

"W-why were you looking at me?" Allen asked, bewilderment in his voice.

Another golden firework exploded and in the sudden brief light Allen saw that Kanda was blushing. Definitely blushing. No two ways around it. His face was redder than a tomato's.

Allen looked sharply away as the implications of what was happening (watching, blushing, giving away his scarf) suddenly hammered its way into his skull and he watched the sky with intense concentration. He didn't wait for Kanda's response to his question. He felt his face grow hot again and he tugged at the scarf so that it covered half his face, covering even his nose. He suddenly remembered that this was Kanda's scarf he was wearing when the scent of lotuses made itself known. He blushed more.

He watched the fireworks avidly, all too aware of Kanda's staring. Allen could see out of the corner of his eye that Kanda was watching him with something that looked like nervousness. Allen nervously played with one of the tassels on the navy blue scarf. And soon he forgot about Kanda staring and Kanda lending him his scarf and Kanda blushing and just generally anything that had anything to do with Kanda. Fireworks were surprisingly riveting and distracting.

And slowly, subconsciously he edged towards the closest source of heat as his teeth chattered a bit. Kanda nearly had a heart attack when Allen's shoulder bumped into his, but Allen didn't notice. The fireworks display went on for hours, and he edged closer and closer as the night went on, and Kanda looked on stunned. Soon enough the firework was shot into the sky and Allen finally let his head flop onto his shoulder with a sigh, his neck aching from all that curious craning. Except it wasn't his shoulder his head flopped onto. It was Kanda's.

Slowly, with wide eyes and baited breath as if he were in a horror movie, his silver eyes fell upon Kanda's still stunned face. He'd gone into some odd form of shock. Allen's hand had at some point tangled itself into Kanda's and his entire side was pressed into Kanda's, his head on his shoulder.

Allen gulped.

And that seemed to be some sort of secret signal or something because at that they both promptly threw themselves off each other, flaming blushes on both their faces. Allen landed with a squeak on his back and he watched the dark blue sky now only littered by stars in a daze.

"Ah, that was fun!" Lenalee said energetically as she stretched, her spine making pop-crack noises that made Allen want to squirm.

"Yeah," Lavi said happily as he rolled up the picnic blanket.

"Need a hand?" Lenalee asked as she reached out her hand to him, he realized he was still laying on his back on the grass.

He accepted her hand with an embarrassed smile and nervously shot a glance in Kanda's way. Kanda wasn't looking at him, his face stoic and expressionless again as he refused to acknowledge Allen's existence.

Allen sighed, feeling a surprising and sudden well of disappointment and he started walking back to where Lavi had parked the car.

Kanda didn't look at Allen the entire ride home and when Lavi dropped Allen off at his crummy, cheap apartment he cast a last look at Kanda. Kanda was finally looking at him again. Kanda's face flushed a deep red when he noticed that Allen had seen him and he quickly looked out the window. Allen felt oddly happy and closed the door with a cheery "See you tomorrow!"

It was only when he entered his apartment that he realized that Kanda's soft, navy blue, tasseled scarf was still wrapped around his neck. He pressed it against his nose and smelled the lotus flowers and smiled.

* * *

Man, I haven't updated in the LONGEST TIME! So sorry! I just haven't had any inspiration these last few days, I hope you guys like this chapter. Please review!


	58. Assume

**Assume**

Allen and Kanda were used to trading blows. But this would be the first time they'd sparred. They were both in the training room, alone. Exorcists often sparred together to always be in top shape for fighting akuma and the Millennium Earl and his family.

If you looked out of the windows of the castle you would see a crisp blue sky, and you would shiver as a chilly breeze would pass you by. It was early autumn.

Kanda, the showoff, unsheathed Mugen slowly so that the lamplight gleamed of the blade _just so _and Allen was allowed a good long look of the sharp dark edge of the sword. Kanda smirked confidently before adopting a focused expression.

Allen snorted derogatorily and cracked his knuckles loudly before going into the fighting stance he'd deemed the most effective after years of experience.

At an unspoken and unseen signal they both charged at each other at the exactly same seconds.

Mugen leapt towards Allen's shoulder, as fast as a viper. Allen twisted around at the last possible second so that the sword only nicked his clothes, the sword ghosting over his skin less than a hairsbreadth away. Allen made sure to flash Kanda his most annoyingly charming smile before he gave his right mean hook. Unfortunately his fist only grazed Kanda's cheek bone and the Asian man leapt back a step and sliced forwards with his sword. Allen reared back and then charged forward, Kanda's sword changed its path fluidly without pause to strike at him but Allen used the swords speed to his advantage. His hand shot forth and he palmed the side of Mugen as it sped towards his neck, the sword was completely beaten out of its path and Allen continued lunging forward. He head butted Kanda.

Kanda snarled and his leg suddenly and unpredictably shot out and knocked Allen off of his feet. Allen hadn't expected him to use anything else but his sword, so stunned he went and fell right on his arse.

He groaned and opened his eyes. He shoved himself halfway up so that he was sitting on the floor.

What he got to see was Kanda _laughing _at him. He had expected some derisive smirk and a few jabs at his fighting skill but not outright _laughter. _Not because Kanda was polite or anything, more because he'd never actually seen Kanda laugh since he'd met the bastard.

Allen's mouth opened in shock. Well it was clear what he had to do to further improve his fighting prowess, he had to stop assuming things. Apparently Kanda _could _fight with things that weren't his sword, such as his feet, and apparently he _could _laugh.

Kanda's laughter, while insulting, was actually quite nice. It sounded from deep within his chest, real and consistent without any hang-ups or squeaks. It wasn't too deep and it wasn't too light, it was even and simple. A good laugh. Kanda's face lit up when he laughed, he seemed years younger for a moment and the tears of mirth at the corners of his dark eyes shone in the light. Pity he didn't do that more often. Allen briefly toyed with the idea of letting Kanda knock him off his feet more often if it let him laugh like this. He decided not to, but it was a surprisingly difficult choice.

Allen hmphed loudly and climbed to his feet and gave Kanda a good nasty glare.

Kanda just snorted at him and picked up his sword from where he had let it slip from his fingers to the floor, too busy laughing his ass off at Allen's misfortune to even keep a good grip on his sword.

"We'll see if you'll still be laughing by the end of round two, _bitch._" Allen said.

Kanda gave a wide exaggerated blink to show his surprise at the fact that _Allen bloody Walker _just _swore. _Surely the world must be coming to an end? Allen smirked momentarily as he saw Kanda's guard slip for just the tiniest moment and charged forward to take advantage of that tiny moment. When it was he who had managed to make Kanda fall on his arse he made sure to laugh long and hard.

Yes, Allen learned that day, the very first time he sparred with Kanda, that you could absolutely not assume things. Stuff like that would get you knocked off your feet so that your so called friend could laugh at you.

* * *

FINALLY! I thought I'd never get around to updating! Please review.


	59. Faith

**Faith**

_Have some faith in me, won't'cha? _

_Don't worry; we'll get through this just fine, just like we always do_

_We can do this_

They weren't able to do it. They didn't get through it just fine. But his faith remained. It was strained and cracking but it was there and it was stubborn as all Hell.

Kanda had lost his arm and had been knocked into a three week long coma. But now he was awake and he was rigorously training to get used to fighting with only his left arm. Thankfully he was ambidextrous, so it wasn't all that hard. It was all about balance.

There were losses, permanent losses. They'd lost Lenalee. Komui was a mess, he still did his job but he did it with a dead look on his face, his voice empty and the look in his eyes enough to make anyone who tried to cheer him up flinch. They'd lost Krory as well, as well as hundreds of Finders and innocent civilians.

It had been the final standoff, Exorcists vs. Noah. Neither side had won. The Order had lost many of its allies, but so had the Noah. They had lost Road Kamelot and Wisely. Lenalee for Road, Krory for Wisely.

But there was more, something that brought up mixed emotions in Kanda. He wasn't quite sure why, or rather he refused to see why, but what he did know was that whatever since he'd heard about it his chest had started feeling oddly cold and uncomfortable, as if his heart had died and now there was a painful cold, dead lump lying uselessly in his chest.

Allen was missing.

So was the Earl.

Many hushed assumptions were being made in the somber hallways of the castle. The Earl had kidnapped Allen and was now torturing the Exorcist for information even as they spoke. Allen had given in to the Fourteenth and had joined the Noah. They had killed each other in a battle to the death and their bodies had simply not been found yet.

Kanda hated them all. He hated them so much he could barely even breathe when he thought about it. He hated those fucking _stupid _Finders for _gossiping _about such things as if what had happened was merely that they had gotten some new neighbors with marital problems. He hated them for doubting the man who would die for them, people he had never even spoken to, so easily. He hated them most of all for putting aforementioned cracks in his previously unshakable faith.

What if Allen _was _dead? What if Allen _had _given in to the Fourteenth? What if he _was _being tortured?

Any of these thoughts made the cold, dead, useless lump in his chest where his heart used to be twinge with pain as if Tykki Mikk had reached his hand inside and left behind a handful of sharp, rusty shrapnel. So to get his mind off of such things he trained and he trained and he trained. He trained until he passed out and he trained until he woke up one day to realize that the nurse had tied him to the bed with lengths and lengths of a thick, hard chain for his "own good".

She had quickly changed her mind after the first six hours of incessant screaming that made him cough up blood, made every drawn in breath a welcome torture that distracted him from the cracks in his faith and the cold lump in his chest.

She had brought Komui to talk to him.

"Kanda," he had said with his empty voice and dead face and _terrifying _eyes.

Kanda was not an easily scared man but the minute he saw those eyes he stopped screaming, blood dripping from his chin and loud, rasping, desperate breaths for air sounding horribly loud in the suddenly deathly still infirmary.

Lenalee's death had definitely changed the formerly cheerful, harmless man.

"I am going to ask you to rest. And you are going to do as I say."

Kanda was about to protest when Komui cut him off. "I know you're worried."

Kanda stared at Komui wide-eyed. As far as anyone knew he was just being stubborn about training too much for it to be healthy. No one knew (well, maybe with the exception of Lavi and the Bookman, the observant bastards) that his insistence to fuck up his newly restored health had anything to do with cracks or _fucking stupid self-sacrificing fucking martyrs with a fucking hero-complex that may or may not be fucking DEAD!_

But it looked like the man he had called an idiot so many times was the sole person to see through him, to see his grief inspired, thoughtless actions for what they actually were. Kanda dimly reflected that it probably had something to do with Lenalee's recent death, God bless her soul.

"I know you're worried, and I know the others are gossiping. I know that you know he is most likely dead, and I know that if you ever find out that he really is it will destroy you." Such a matter-of-fact voice. If it weren't coming from Komui he would have been grinding his teeth in nearly uncontrollable rage, but he was currently too shocked to even think of being angry.

Kanda hadn't said a word since Komui had entered the room. But then again, he probably wouldn't be able to even if he tried. He'd screamed himself hoarse, his screams the last two hours being nothing more than pathetic, silent gasps that nonetheless hurt his throat like a bitch.

Komui did not give him a sad, sympathetic, understanding smile along with an encouraging "I'm sure he's alright, it's Allen after all." If Komui had actually said that Kanda would have slugged him. Chains or no chains, sword or no sword, one or arm or no arms at all, he would have beaten that sad smile right off his fuckin' optimistic mug. Because even if it was Allen didn't mean that he'd be alright. He'd said that everything was going to be alright and Krory and Lenalee had died, Komui might as well be dead and they were all suffering horrible losses. There was no guarantee that Allen was alive. But Komui didn't smile nor did he give him some inspirational bullshit that he'd most likely pulled out of his ass on the spot.

"But you belong to the Order," Komui continued in that empty voice, his horrible eyes still on bloody, silent, chained, pathetic Kanda. "and that means that you have to be in perfect condition. You are allowed to train. Encouraged, even. But you're no fool; you know when enough is enough. You are going to rest, and when you are better you are going to train. But not too much, not until you collapse out of exhaustion. You shall train until you've just barely pushed yourself above your borders. And no more than that. You will eat three healthy and nutritious meals a day. You will follow your superior's orders. You will kill akuma and Noah and all that stand against us. You will not hurt yourself. You will remain in top condition so as to better serve the order."

Komui then leaned in uncomfortably close, breaching his personal space so that his lips were right next to the shell of Kanda's ear, his breath tickling his hear.

"Is that understood?" he asked in a threatening whisper.

Kanda looked deep into terrifying eyes, eyes that had given up on life and now only followed whatever orders they were given because those horrible, horrible eyes didn't know what to do. They didn't know what there was to live for and they were lost and Kanda knew that if he ever saw that stupid Bean Sprout's corpse like Komui had seen Lenalee's that was what his eyes would become. If he lost his cracking faith and was given irrefutable evidence of Allen's death _that _was what he was going to become.

Again, Kanda was not an easily scared man. But he was not made of stone.

Kanda nods.

He will do as he is told. But he will cling to his faith. He will believe in Allen until there is no more room left to believe and then continue believing anyways and he will do so to his dying breath. He knows that if he is ever given the choice to choose between Allen and the Order, if he is ever told that if he betrays the Order he will be given back Allen…

He knows that he would do it in a heartbeat.

And it is years later when he looks deep into a pair of golden eyes that used to be ethereal silver that he, without hesitation, cuts the head of the Finder standing next to him.

The Fourteenth laughs.

* * *

This ficlet is fairly dark, I'll admit, but I'm proud of it all the same. I was just about tearing my hair out in frustration, trying to come up with _anything _to write when _this _little gem popped up out of nowhere. I don't even remember where the inspiration came from. What do you guys think?


	60. Ashes

**Ashes**

There is ash falling quietly and gently from the sky. Lenalee can almost fool herself into thinking that it is snow. Just harmless, beautiful pure white snow, not cold, depressing grey ash.

There is still smoke billowing softly from the debris even though the fires and explosions have long since, thankfully, stopped. The smoke and the ash worm their way into her lungs and she forces her bruised and battered body to twist around so she can exude some horrible, painful hacking coughs. Each cough is a torture, her broken ribs scream at her and when the coughing finally stops she looks at the hand she had coughed into and it is covered in a fine spray of small red droplets as if an artist had flung red paint at her hand from his paintbrush.

She is covered in a fine layer of dust and plaster and ash and dirt. Her boots are coated in blood, her oh so tired legs resting on the ground. She can't feel her legs. This is not unusual. Often after a long trying battle she would collapse and wait for her allies to find her, exhausted and grim yet alive. She went on this mission with Kanda and she is waiting for him or one of the Finders to find her (if the Finders are even alive…).

The ribbon on her left pigtail has snapped and the hair on that side has decided to fan outwards like a sprawled wing. Her lips are parched and her throat itches for some sweet, sweet, cold water.

Lenalee thinks about her brother. She needs something to think about while she waits for her allies to find her, waits for the feeling to return to her legs, for the coughing to return and for the storm she can see in the angry dark clouds that is sure to come sooner or later.

She thinks wistfully of how he will over dramatically burst into tears when the nurse tells him that she's got three broken ribs, two broken legs and minor scrapes and bruises. Her injuries aren't unusual nor are they permanent or serious. She'd had worse. She'll be fine. But her big brother always reacts the same way, as if each individual cut and scrape is something debilitating and horrible. It makes her feel loved and safe to know that there is someone out there who cares for her so unconditionally and completely.

Lenalee is startled out of her reverie when she registers that a very light drizzle has started, the beginning of the storm. She opens her mouth and lets the drizzle slowly moisten her parched lips, her thirsty mouth, her messy hair and dry, dirty skin covered in a layer of plaster and ash and blood and death.

Her unnatural purple eyes watch the darkening sky unblinkingly and she thinks of all the akuma she has killed that day. She thinks of the one with the deceptive skin of a little girl with hair like sunshine and eyes like the sky. That poor little girl had probably given her life to bring back a dead parent, or maybe a sibling or a grandparent or maybe a friend. There was no way to be sure. There was another one that had had the skin of a harmless old woman with kind milky blue eyes and wispy white hair. She had probably died for her husband, or maybe her son or daughter or maybe a beloved grandchild. Again, there was no way to be sure.

Lenalee can sympathize with those people who had been reduced to mere disguises for monsters. She can sympathize with the intense need to have that dead loved one back with you, besides you, smiling and laughing with you. She can sympathize with the intense need to have everything back to how it used to be, to just turn back the clock because a person you loved is gone but the earth is still turning and everyone is acting like that person was of no consequence. Her parents had died after all, she knows the pain and the grief and the tears.

She wonders if she'd take the Earl's offer if her brother died, even knowing what would happen, even if she knew that her brother would be forced to become a monster and her his disguise. She's not sure what she would do if that happened. She's not like Lavi, so smart and responsible despite all appearances of the direct opposite. She's not like Kanda, so strict and stubborn and strong. She's not like Allen, so kind and understanding and self-sacrificing. She is herself. She is just a simple girl who loves her overprotective big brother, her last living family member, the only thing that keeps her going.

The drizzle has temporarily stopped now, it would undoubtedly start up again soon but for now she decides to enjoy the dry air while it lasts because she will most likely miss it hours later when she is lying immobile in the pounding rain, waiting for her allies to find her. Once it took her allies almost two days to find her, it usually took them about half a day to find her. She mentally added a severe fever to her list of injuries for her brother to bawl over.

Now that the drizzle is gone the ash has decided to make its reappearance.

Lenalee can almost fool herself into thinking that it is snow.

* * *

Wow, two dark, depressing ficlets in a row. That's odd... It's been awhile since I've written a Lenalee-centric chapter, in fact besides this one I only have one other. I try not to write about her too much since this is supposed to be mainly about Allen and Kanda and I know that a few of my reviewers (who there aren't enough of by the way, damn you lazy readers! *shakes fist angrily at screen*) don't really like her all that much. I'm pretty neutral about Lenalee. Hope you guys liked it, please review!


	61. Hate

**Hate**

Every muscle in Kanda's body is tensed; his chin raised defiantly, eyes giving of a deadly gleam as his hand itches for the hilt of his sword, but while his posture screams of anger and restrained violence his shoulders are squared and his back is straight, which is the appropriate posture to take when your superior approaches you. He always goes into this stance when Rouvellier confronts him.

He dislikes the man. No, wait. That was an understatement. He _hated _the bastard. He _loathed _him. It wasn't an unreasonable, irrational hatred that had sprung up out of nowhere. He had quite a good reason for hating this man who was standing before him in all his arrogant holier-than-thou glory.

It wasn't just that this man dared order him around when Kanda could cut him down like the bug he was _any time _he wanted to. He could do that to Komui as well and Komui dared order him around as well, but he didn't _loathe _Komui like he _loathed _Rouvellier. Maybe it was because when Komui ordered him around he wasn't smug about it, like he'd just beaten Kanda in a fair match hands down without even breaking a sweat. Maybe it was because while Komui may not be physically superior to him at least he was intelligently so, because no matter how silly and retarded the man might act he was the head of the science department for a reason. Maybe it was because the only reason Rouvellier was where he was, was because of his family.

No. Kanda knew that that wasn't it, though it certainly was part of it.

"Kanda," Rouvellier says arrogantly. He says everything arrogantly. His voice grates on Kanda's ears like sandpaper, making him want to _smash _something.

Kanda grind his teeth and forces out a curt, sharp, "Inspector Rouvellier,"

He has to be polite, he has to follow protocol, he has to rein in his impulses and be a perfect little weapon. Not speak his mind. At least around Rouvellier. This was the exact opposite of what Kanda did every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every year ever since he'd been "born". So this is quite hard to do for Kanda but he knows that if he doesn't do this when he's around Rouvellier Bad Things will happen. He is not quite sure what the Bad Things will be, all he knows is that when the Bad Things happen he will regret speaking up and giving that uppity son of a bitch a piece of his mind like he's always wanted to do no matter how hard it is to imagine ever regretting introducing that fucking stupid little mustache to his boot.

Maybe it's how he looks, Kanda thinks. Maybe it's precisely _because _that stupid little mustache exists that he wants to coat it in blood so badly. Maybe it's _because _his hair is slicked back so idiotically that he wants to rip it out by the fistfuls with every fiber of his being. Maybe it's because it is so Goddamn obvious that the man practices his "intimidating" vague glare that he wants to punch that constipated face in. he wants to ruff that crisp, straight suit up so bad that by the time he's done Rouvellier will be almost unrecognizable from a common beggar.

No. No, Kanda realizes that it is not merely just because Rouvellier looks like someone has decided to see how far up one can jam a stick up an ass before it finally pokes up out of the mouth of a human being. It's something else.

"You are close friends with Allen Walker, are you not?" that grating, arrogant voice again, smoothing out the rough edges on his ears until blood flowed like water from a river.

Kanda resents the word _friend _and he would have vehemently protested if this had come from anyone else. But this was Rouvellier, the man that made Bad Things happen to people who did not dance to his tune so Kanda imagined strangling the man as he said, "Yes, Inspector Rouvellier, Sir."

Rouvellier gives a curt nod.

Kanda goes back to wondering exactly which one of the many bad traits of Rouvellier is making him hate him with such a passion.

Maybe it's the fact that the man is a constant threat to Kanda, a threat that Kanda is not allowed to deal with. Maybe it is because Kanda is forced to be polite to him, someone who Kanda would rather like to practice his blades sharpness on. Or maybe it was because of how he treated Lenalee. Kanda didn't have any particular feelings for her, but he didn't especially hate her and the knowledge that this man had tortured and experimented on her - reduced her to crying and shaking in the corner of a random, abandoned room Kanda had found when he was ten, curious about what those heart wrenching sobs were about, curious about why this girl who was clothed in bloodstained clothing and gasping for air as she rocked back and forth on the floor as if she was trying to convince herself the world outside of that dusty, abandoned room didn't exist – filled him with righteous age.

Kanda had always been a chivalrous person after all. Ladies should be protected and respected. Not tortured and experimented on like some common lab rat of no consequence.

"Have you noticed anything… _odd _about your friend, Mister Walker, lately?" and he says this in a tone with so many implications, so many suspicions and so much confidence, as if he already knows that Kanda will answer in the affirmative.

He knows that the man is fishing for information about Allen. He knows that it is about Allen being the host for the Fourteenth. He hatefully thinks of how utterly awful Rouvellier is at fishing for information and with great difficulty keeps a twisted grimace of utter disgust off his face.

"No, Sir." Kanda says and he is vindicated at seeing a brief flash of surprise on the Inspectors face. No hushed confessions of frightening, out of character violence? No revelation of recent cynicism or out of nowhere hatred for God and the Vatican? No admissions of strange moments when Kanda almost thinks he can see a flash of gold and hatred in his eyes? Just a _no sir_?

Kanda sees each of these questions clear as day in the flash on Rouvellier's face and suddenly he knows why he hates him. Suddenly he knows why. It's Allen. He grudgingly thinks that he ought to have seen that sooner. It was _always _about Allen. He should have known.

"All right then. Well, tell me if you _do _witness something odd, no matter how inconsequential it may seem." Rouvellier says, quickly regaining his briefly released composure.

Kanda nods dutifully with a respectful, "Yes, Sir." And Rouvellier nods and is off just like that.

Kanda looks at the back of the man's retreating back and the image of Allen flashes through his mind unbidden, all white hair, kind eyes, and gentle smiles and then the reminder that Rouvellier wants to hurt _this, _the very personification of all the good in the world, the reminder, it burns in his mind. Kanda grits his teeth and his face breaks out into a full-fledged snarl, comfortable in the knowledge that Rouvellier with his back turned would not see it.

Kanda's hands are not merely itching for the hilt of his sword anymore. They are _burning. _He is filled with _hate _and _loathing _and the fact that he can't do anything about these feelings without Bad Things happening (Bad Things that would no doubt happen to poor, frail Lenalee and that idiotic Lavi and that fucking danger magnet Allen just to hurt Kanda ll the more) just makes it worse.

Kanda glares with all his might at the retreating back and gives it the middle finger salute, comfortable in the knowledge that he would not be seen and if it would ever come down to Bad Things happening the false pretenses, the politeness, the restrained loathing, the hands which he forced not to grip the hilt of his sword, it would all disappear and high and mighty Rouvellier would be on the floor with his stupid little mustache covered in blood before he could even so much as plead for mercy.

God, he hated that man.


	62. Subspecies

**Subspecies**

Lavi considered himself a human in the loosest sense of the word. He had been procreated in a moment of passion between two human beings; he had gestated within the womb of a woman for nine full months before being born, he had two arms and two legs and a head and a heart. When you looked at it like that he was human. But Lavi still felt there were several key differences between him and a regular human being.

One of these key differences was this: he did not interact with other "fellow" human beings. He did not speak to them; he did not greet them or exchange pleasantries with them. He just traveled with the Bookman, learning new things and recording everything.

He observed humans, so he knew that these were things all humans did. He didn't do these things so he couldn't be called a proper human at all, at least that was his opinion. He kept that opinion to himself, of course. The Bookman did not approve of such irrelevant thought. Whether or not he was a human being was not something to dwell on when there were books in the world to read and events to record.

He remembered with vivid clarity the first time he had interacted with humans since becoming the Bookman's apprentice. Before he met the Bookman he had just wandered about the orphanage

(his father didn't even know he was alive, all he knew was that once many, many years ago he and some of the other of the soldiers he had been traveling with to the battlefield had visited a brothel and he had been awake all night with a beautiful redheaded whore that bended in the most fascinating ways for a good penny. The man probably wasn't even alive anymore. His mother had done her best to take care of Lavi but there had been a fire when he was five and Lavi still remembered the way her eyes had shone with unshed tears like stars in her beautiful face as the flames burnt the same color as her hair and when he did remember he would just simply shut down and rock back and forth in a corner and the other kids in the orphanage would point and laugh and jeer about Lavi going to his "happy place" again. It wasn't a happy place at all and the feeling of being laughed at wasn't exactly the best feeling in the world so Lavi avoided thinking about his parents too much.)

friendless and without purpose as he tried to come up with ways to make the days pass without interacting with the other people, the other children who laughed at and bullied him and the adults who would look at him with that condensing look in their eyes that they always got around children and didn't even try to hide that only Lavi seemed to notice for some odd reason. That look made him ball his hands up into fists and want to scream and scream until they finally took him seriously. He had heard his mother moan loudly for money through the thin walls as strangers fucked her, he had seen her blazing red hair truly become "blazing" only a few years ago and they _dared_ think themselves more experienced with the harsh mistress that was life?

He remembered when the Bookman ordered him to interact with humans for the first time since he'd become his apprentice.

"A Bookman should know how to handle himself in every situation." The wise old man had said.

And Lavi had nodded obediently like a good little apprentice. He hadn't showed his fear and uncertainty, only professional stoicism and calm just like the future Bookman should.

He had tried to dreg up some memories of his mother, the only real human interaction he had ever had. He remembered her singing him a lullaby when he was sick one time, her voice had been beautiful. He remembered him helping her brush her long red hair as she smiled at him fondly. He remembered her kissing him goodnight every night when she wasn't busy screaming her head off as if she were enjoying what she was doing. These memories weren't really any good to help him with his trial, but they reassured him a bit. When his happy memories started turning to fire and screaming and panic he quickly stopped reminiscing.

His first human interaction as the Bookman's apprentice, the Bookman didn't count, was stilted and a little awkward but not overly so and it had passed the test. He had chatted a bit with the baker's daughter in the town they'd been visiting, she had twirled her curly brown hair and giggled at everything that he said and Lavi so used to observing humans and knowing all of their reactions, had instantly known that she was a tad smitten by him. It had made things sufficiently harder for him but he had plowed through with the absolutely atrocious chat about the weather. This was the first and last time he was seeing her and yet she was smitten by him already. Truly, human beings were baffling.

It was obvious he wasn't one of them.

And yet he was considered as such.

How odd.

From then the Bookman made him "interact" with humans more and more until he was a master at it, his tongue turned silver and his masks became many. He could slip between the roles of a Casanova to an innocent farmer boy quicker than you could say "liar". And it was around then that he had an epiphany. He wasn't interacting with humans at all, he still wasn't doing it. He was just putting on a mask and acting, fooling everyone around to believe that he was a human just like them. Strangely enough the discovery upset him enough that he even cried a bit. Out of the Bookman's sight of course, Bookmen didn't cry or show unnecessary emotion.

In the end the only real human interaction he had under his belt was the vague memories of his mother before she had died. He treasured those memories of being a human, because he clearly wasn't one anymore. He was a Bookman in training. Bookmen weren't human, they were Bookmen. Another epiphany. He wasn't a human, he wasn't a _homo sapien. _He was a subspecies; he was part of the Bookman subspecies. Strangely the discovery didn't cheer him up.

He wanted to be a part of their race again, the humans that was. He wanted to have their useless trivial troubles, no big picture in sight and no constant recording or worries or anything like that. But you couldn't back out of the Bookman business, you were in and you were in for life.

And then they arrived at the Order and he had to donned yet another mask to fool the masses. He had been in a bit of a gloom as of late so he chose the complete opposite, a cheerful, carefree jokester. He bet it must feel wonderful to be that kind of person, so happy all of the time

They ended up staying with the Order far longer than the Bookman (or maybe as his new persona would say, the old panda) had predicted. They had started staying at the castle indefinitely. Lavi didn't mind, he was starting to quite warm up to his new persona. It was fun to be the new him. He dreaded when the act would have to end and the curtains would close, leaving the maskless Bookman in training standing there with no personality of his own with no purpose and no idea of what he should do.

And soon winter came. And then spring, and then summer and fall and then winter came back. Suddenly they had been there a year, and then another year and yet another year. Lavi began to warm up to idea of never leaving the happy mask of Lavi the jokester. He liked being friendly, he liked making bad puns, he liked going gaga over women, he liked ducking Yuu-Chan's fists and sword jabs as the Finders laughed at his antics. He liked the sense of belonging that was starting to grow on him like mould.

Before he knew it the edges of the mask had melted into his skin, he couldn't take it off anymore even if he wanted to. He was becoming the mask.

Another epiphany. Slowly but surely, he was becoming human.

He found that that was the first epiphany he'd ever had that had actually brought a smile to his face. A genuine smile, a smile that he hadn't been able to pry off his lips for literally weeks. For the first time he could remember, it was good to be him.


	63. Want

**Want**

There are a million things Kanda wants to do to Allen.

He wants to punch him. He wants to kick him. He wants to slice him up with his sword. He wants to beat him black and blue. He wants to yell at him, to hurl insults and wipe that annoying fake smile right off his lying little face.

He wants to bite him. He wants to hold him so tightly he'll bruise and never let him go no matter how much he protests. He wants to watch him every moment of every day like Link does, except he doesn't want to sleep in the same room as Allen, he doesn't want to sleep at all, just watch as his chest slowly rises and falls in a rhythm, press his ear against his chest when his consciousness snuffs out like a candle and listen to that reassuring beat that tells Kanda the little bean sprout's still alive. He wants to play with his bright white hair that looks so soft, he wants to twirl it around his finger and press his face against it and inhale.

He realizes that some of these things he wants to do to Allen may sound a tad sociopathic, a little crazy, a little possessive, perhaps even a bit suggestive. He doesn't care, but he doesn't tell people either. It's none of their damn business.

He wants to hug Allen. He wants to hold onto him so tightly that their chest will press together, eventually melt and become one, their ribcages entangling and their hearts merging to become a larger, stronger heart that will never stop beating, the arteries and blood veins tying up into neat little knots together as the new and better heart beats on strong and invincible.

Kanda's a slightly morbid person, though he's quite sure that under all of the polite smiles and gestures Allen could out-morbid him any day.

He wants to press their lips together. He wants to tilt Allen's head to the side a little and bend down a bit because the bean sprout is a bean sprout and therefore shorter than him. He wants to catch him by surprise so that he'll make a little gasp when their lips join and his tongue will immediately enter, trying to map out and explore every single part of that pretty little mouth with those naturally light pink lips that can shout such filthy curses at him when angry. Kanda realizes such an action can be called a "kiss". Kanda does not care, he just wants to know how Allen's mouth tastes, wants to have his breath and Allen to have his, wants to turn his face bright red all because of him.

He just generally wants to do a bunch of stuff to Allen, a lot of it questionable and a little bit horrifying when you think about it. Like that merging of chest thing, that was pretty creepy. Kanda still doesn't care.

He wants, he wants, he wants. He wants to do so much yet there is so much he actually does. He punches him, he kicks and jabs with his sword, he yells and insults and wipes that annoying fake smile right off his lying little face. But he doesn't bite him, he doesn't hold him so tightly he bruises, he doesn't follow him around every moment of every day, he doesn't play with his hair and inhale. He doesn't merge their hearts, he doesn't hug him, he doesn't even kiss him.

He doesn't know what exactly it is that holds him back so, so that he only does the things that are expected of him. But he hates it. He doesn't know what it is but he hates it more than he has ever hated anything before. He despises it. Kanda just wants to hug and kiss Allen and merge their hearts, but he can't. he just can't. No matter how hard he tries he just can't make himself do it. Maybe he's a coward at heart, maybe he's just so afraid of how Allen would react that he can't bring himself to do anything.

Kanda is used to not caring. He doesn't care how people see him, doesn't care that he's kind of creepy and that he sort of kinda, maybe _likes _Allen. But for some reason he can't help but care about Allen, can't help but care about his reactions and what he thinks of Kanda. It's a disorientating feeling to suddenly care so much about one person and it leaves him unbalanced and a little bit freaked out.

Another one of those many, many things Kanda wants to do to Allen is to stop caring about him, to stop constantly thinking about him, to stop wanting to touch him and hug him and kiss him and smell him and become one with him, to stop wanting _him_. But as he has learned by now you can't always do what you want.

* * *

A litte short, but all right. What do you guys think?


	64. Metaphor

**Metaphor**

Allen loved Kanda the way a knife loved a heart, the way a bomb loved a crowd, the way a needle loved a junkie's wrist. Allen wasn't good with metaphors, he'd usually either lose track of it and just ramble on and on or he'd just dish out the creepiest goddamn metaphor you'd ever heard your entire life.

But it was true. He loved Kanda. He loved him so much it was just plain unhealthy for both of them. He would lay awake at night wondering if Kanda was breathing, if Kanda was sleeping, if Kanda was thinking about him, wondering what Kanda was doing. And the next day when he saw him Kanda would have bags under his eyes that immediately flew to Allen, they would maintain eye contact across the room just for a brief moment as they both acknowledged the fact that the other had stayed up all night thinking of the other and then they would sit next to each other in silence without saying a word.

It wasn't healthy. They weren't in a relationship based off of trust and love, it was a relationship built around insecurity and obsession. Constantly they would worry that the other would leave them suddenly, that the other would die, forget them, get hurt.

It wasn't healthy. They should stop. They should break it off and never see each other again. They should stop thinking about each other, should stop obsessing and worrying and ruining their lives with their destructive relationship. But they couldn't. They simply couldn't.

They were not a perfect couple by any sense of the word. They fought, and not just bickered but _fought. _They swung fists and lunged and attacked in earnest, hoping to hurt the other in a fit of rage over the pettiest things. And even if they loved each other they also hated each other, it was as if every single pet peeve they ever had decided to go and manifest itself into a person who they then fell in love with against their will. Every moment without the other was a torture, every moment with only marginally better than getting their nails ripped off. They brought out the worst in each other, the snarling competiveness and the ugly possessiveness and the insecurities and jealousy and the irrational fear and so much more.

They were not good for each other. Allen could swear that at least ten years of his lifespan had been shaved off his life since he met Kanda, Kanda claimed Allen had destroyed twenty of his. They stressed and bothered and worried each other, getting each other riled up and beaten up and whatnot.

But they loved each other. They loved each other the way a knife loved a heart, the way a bomb loved a crowd, the way a needle loved a junkie's wrist. They loved each other with a frightening intensity. They would die for each other, they would kill for the other, they would kill the other and then themselves if that was what had to be done. The one could not live without the other. It was an awful unhealthy love yet it was pure. It was not pure in the way an innocent child is pure, it was pure like fire. Their love was a flame that destroyed everything in its path, something destructive and roaring and dangerous.

Allen really sucked at metaphors.


	65. Pull

**Pull**

There were leaves and twigs entangled in his hair. His ribbon had long since abandoned him, leaving him with the horrible fate of constantly getting hair in his eyes and face and mouth and Jesus it was _everywhere. _There were numerous rips in his clothing, scratches on his face, his boots dirty, his hands and knees bloody from those few times he'd fallen down. His breaths came in short gasps but he ran on headless of his exhaustion, his tired legs clumsy in their hasty fleeing. His chest hurt from all of the running, his heart so loud he could hear it no matter how hard and loudly he panted. He constantly looked behind his shoulder, paranoid.

Kanda was not going to lose.

But then suddenly- a fierce battle cry, his spinning frantically around in a circle, trying in vain to locate the source of the cry, and then suddenly it was as if an anvil had been dropped onto his head, like in the cartoons that Daisya liked. Kanda was thrown onto the ground by a mighty weight and a groan escaped him. There was breathless laughter on top of him and Kanda realized dazedly that the cry had come from above him, his enemy dropping down on him from the trees like a ninja or whatever.

He forced his eyes open and stars sparkled in front of his vision for a few seconds. The breathless laughter was still going on. He twisted his head around and his cheek was smushed against another pale cheek. Allen was lying on top of him, their faces touching, his laughter and warm breath attacking his ear, their hair getting tangled up, his musk in his nose, his hand awkwardly pressed up against his stomach.

Kanda forced a blush, hoping that Allen wouldn't notice his furious blush (twelve year old boys shouldn't get blushes when playing tag with their friends, boys hearts should not skip a beat when their friend breached their personal space, but it happened anyways). He shoved Allen off of him roughly, he was still laughing by the way, and he clumsily got to his feet. He looked down at Allen, lying on the ground while laughing. He was also covered in scratches and dirt and leaved and twigs, a sheen of sweat on his exposed skin, a happy smile and a bright red blush that was most definitely not there because he was in close proximity of Kanda.

"Tag, you're it…" Allen forced out between gasps of laughter, tears of mirth at the corners of his eyes.

Kanda couldn't what was so funny. Allen was weird like that, had the strangest reactions to the strangest things. (_but that's part of his allure, _whispered that stupid love struck voice inside his head again, Kanda promptly squashed it, as he always did)

Kanda gave him a nasty glare and kicked a cloud of dust in his face. Allen sputtered and stood up, now with a petulant scowl on his face. They stood in silence for a moment, both sizing each other up. And then…

BAM!

Allen socked Kanda right in the face, Allen was famous at school for his mean left hook. Kanda was lifted off his feet and he fell to the ground on his back. He touched his face and when he withdrew the hand and looked at the hand covered in bright red blood he knew that Allen had given him a nosebleed. He looked up from his position on the ground at Allen who now looked apologetic and remorseful, like he couldn't believe what he had just done. All thoughts of revenge were blown out of his mind at Allen's pitiful expression. Before this stupid crush he would have just hit right back but ever since that stupid love-struck voice that whispered awestruck compliments about Allen in his head he kept forgiving Allen for more and more stuff that he normally wouldn't have.

"I'm so sorry! Are you alright?" he asked with concern.

Kanda's mouth went dry and he just nodded. Allen knelt down next to him and tilted Kanda's head back. Kanda's heart went faster and the stupid voice in his head murmured about how pretty Allen's eyes were. Allen pressed a handkerchief into his hand and Kanda took the cue and pressed it to his nose, trying to stop the bleeding.

They stayed like that for awhile before the silence became too much for Kanda. He meant to say something insulting, or maybe he meant to say that since Allen had touched him that meant he was It again, or maybe he'd meant to ask Allen what kind of boy goes around with handkerchiefs in his pocket. Instead he said, "I want to pull your hair."

Kanda's eyes widened when he realized that it hadn't been him that had spoken, it had been the love-struck voice. It had taken over his mouth and talked. Jesus. Kanda refused to look at Allen's reaction, choosing to instead stare at the foliage silently.

"…What?" Allen asked in a confused voice.

Kanda gritted his teeth and remained silent.

"You want to pull my hair? As in… _pull my hair? _As in… how boys pull the hair of their crush-"

And that was when Kanda decided enough was enough and he stood abruptly up. The plan had been to throw the bloody handkerchief at Allen and run. Unfortunately Kanda had not taken the blood loss into equation and promptly got hit by a dizzy spell as if Lavi had hit him in the head with his hammer (that weird, annoying kid never went anywhere without his hammer). He didn't even notice when he fell over.

But he did notice a few minutes later (or was it seconds, or hours, or days, or…) when he came to with his head in Allen lap. The nosebleed had stopped and he awoke to the image of Allen looking down at him with the most beautiful smile he'd ever seen, his face haloed by the sunlight that filtered through the bright green foliage. His breath was taken away at the sight and his heart skipped a beat.

He thought he'd die on the spot when he noticed Allen's hand entangled in his hair, pulling lightly at the locks.

_Allen was pulling his hair…_


	66. White

**White**

"Ah, winters coming."

Allen looked at Lavi curiously and then looked at the horizon where Lavi was looking. The two were on their way back to the castle from a successful mission, in fact they could see the gate from where they were walking.

"See how there's more snow on the mountain tops than usual? That means that it's going to snow here any day now, seeing as the castle is at a mountain top as well." Lavi elaborated.

"Oh," Allen said and continued walking towards the castle.

Winter was the season when his parents had abandoned him, but that didn't matter. Winter was the season he'd been born, but that didn't matter. Winter was the season Mana had died, but that didn't matter. Life was all about living in the present, ignoring the past because if you looked back you would have to stop walking, and then you'd never start walking again, frozen in place by the horrible memories. Winter was nothing more than a cold season when there was lots of snow that was difficult to fight in.

They walked up to the castle and Lavi immediately left him with a cheerful, "See ya!" Apparently Lavi had matters to attend to in the library. Allen bid him adieu and walked to the cafeteria, his stomach already rumbling.

Jerry enthusiastically greeted him, cooing at him and handing him a towering tray of food. Allen exchanged pleasantries and carried his tray to his usual table, his mouth watering. Lenalee was there and she smiled at him, but didn't greet him. She knew that she wouldn't be able to talk to him before he'd gotten to eat all of his food. Kanda was also sitting at the table, eating his soba while ignoring Allen. Allen made a mental note tp pick a fight with him when he'd eaten.

He ate like a ravenous wolf, stuffing the food into his mouth, waiting barely a few seconds before swallowing, almost no time at all to chew. It was delicious, as always, and when he was done he gave a satisfied sigh and turned around in his seat so that he was facing Lenalee.

"So how did you and Lavi's mission go?" she enquired.

"It was alright. The reports of Innocence being in the area were false but we did find a level One Akuma on the way, so we got rid of that."

"So the trip wasn't completely wasted!" Lenalee said optimistically.

"Yeah," Allen said.

"Ah, have you noticed how much colder it's been lately?" Lenalee said.

Kanda scoffed at that. He was of the opinion that polite small talk was a complete and utter waste of time. Especially small talk that concerned the weather.

Allen shot him a quick glare but turned back to Lenalee. "Oh yeah, Lavi mentioned that it's probably going to snow here soon."

Lenalee looked crestfallen. "Darn, I've never really liked winter or snow. It's all so cold."

Allen rather thought that that may have something to do with the fact that she always wore a miniskirt but kept this observation to himself. It could be taken the wrong way.

"You know, now that you mentioned it I thought there has been more snow on the mountain tops lately."

Allen nodded.

Lenalee sighed mournfully. "Well that's just a pity. I really _hate_ winter! There's going to be cold snow everywhere soon enough. All of that white makes my eyes hurt…"

Allen blinked a bit at this, slightly startled, and he self-consciously tucked his _white _hair behind his ear.

Abruptly Kanda made a disagreeing sounding grunt.

Lenalee turned around in her seat and looked at him curiously. "Oh? You disagree?"

Kanda finished his soba and said, "I don't particularly hate or dislike white or snow."

Allen froze in his seat. He'd been about to raise his hood to hide his white hair when he heard Kanda's remark.

"Oh really?"

"Really. I think it's rather nice and elegant."

And now Allen decided to raise his hood anyways. But now it wasn't to hide his white hair, this time it was to instead hide his red ears and face.

"I have to go now…" Allen muttered and stood up to leave.

Lenalee gave him a slightly confused goodbye.

"Keh!" Kanda said.

Allen left the cafeteria without another word and Lenalee turned to Kanda again.

"Hey Kanda…" she began.

"What?" he snapped, feeling oddly defensive.

"… why are you blushing?"

* * *

I may or may not have used an inappropriate amount of... _inspiration _(to put it nicely) from a doujinshi I recently found on Tumblr. I'm sorry and am a terrible person but I was having writers block and that's my excuse and I'm sticking with it.


	67. Duty

**Duty**

There was that all too familiar tangy taste of blood in his mouth again. No matter how much he spat or swallowed it wouldn't go away, clinging to the inside of his throat and mouth like some sort of mould or fungus.

He was moving as fast as he could. His punches and lunges accurate and precise, yet they somehow managed to look frenzied and panicky. Allen was panting with exhaustion; he'd already fought for hours, though it felt like days, months, years, his entire life, an eternity.

He had to kill all of them, not leave a single survivor behind. He could see their souls, their faces were streaked with tears and misery, but there was a wild sort of hope in their eyes now. They saw a possibility of dying, of being put out of their misery, of being killed so that the nightmare would finally end. He couldn't let them down; he couldn't let a single one slip away after getting its hope up. Every moment he wasn't killing one of them was a torture. He had to save everyone, had to kill everyone, had to help them, end them.

Allen threw himself to the side to avoid a hail of bullets and changed his Innocence into the bazooka form and shot the Akuma down. The soul was a woman with long dark hair. She gave an elated cry when he shot her and Allen felt cold satisfaction, but only for a moment, less than the fraction of a second. He quickly moved on and went back to killing as many of them as possibly, saving both the tortured akuma and their future victims.

There was smoke and dust and dirt in the air, making it hard to breathe. The smoke made his eyes tear up but his mechanical monocle whirred on anyways and he sought out the next Akuma to kill. He didn't stop running or dodging or shooting when he got another coughing fit, he'd had so many of those by now that he was coughing up blood. He'd take it easy when all of the Akuma were dead, he'd rest up and then he'd head out to kill some more Akuma, refreshed and healthy.

His arm shot forward and crushed a level One's head to smithereens and while he was busy with that he failed to notice the flying piece of debris before it was too late. It his him right in the back of his head. Allen gasped in pain and crumpled to his knees as his vision blurred and all the noise around him faded immediately to a dull roar. No. He couldn't rest, he couldn't stop. Not yet. There were still poor unfortunate souls to put to rest.

Allen heaved himself to his feet.

He fell back down with a dull thud.

The world was a smudged painting of different shades of grey and red through his eyes. He couldn't make out any details and it was there was a ringing in his ears. It was getting harder and harder to remember why exactly it was so important that he get up, that he stood up from his comfortable place on the cold gritty ground to fight, why was it so important to kill these people? No. Not people. These were Akuma, and that was why it was so important to kill them. He had to kill them so that they could die and turn back into humans in the afterlife. He couldn't be selfish or lazy, he had to help them.

There were streaks of black sneakily seeping into the smudged painting of the world from the edges now. No. Not yet.

His shaking hand, the left one, the disgusting, disfigured, red and veiny one, the Innocence, he propped it up beneath him and with a mighty heave he managed to get into a sitting position. Allen's vision turned completely white for a moment and he swayed but he fought unconsciousness. Not yet.

He felt the saliva in his mouth suddenly triple and knowing what was going to happen he twisted around and barfed. His vomit hit the smashed cobble street of the small formerly homely village Allen and Krory had been sent to. He didn't know if it was his imagination or not but he could almost swear that he heard the sound of teeth ripping through flesh and the elated cry of a freed soul join with the angry roar of its prison nearby.

It was as if someone had gone and wrapped his brain up in cotton. Allen sucked in a breath and shambled up to his feet, swaying like a frail leaf in the wind. The word still wasn't quite so sharp, but he could see and that was enough. His activated his Innocence again and charged with a mighty cry.

His hair got into his eyes, time for another haircut; Lenalee usually did it for him. The taste of blood, still there. As the explosive heat of a nearby building, a comfy looking house with the corpses of children halfway through the threshold, warmed his face Allen realized tears were streaming down his face again. He always did that, cry that was. Kanda teased him about it, calling him a cry-baby and a child, useless and frail and easily frightened. Allen couldn't help it, whenever he saw those tearful faces that were Akuma souls the world would blur before him and his breath would hitch.

He saw a movement, just out of the corner of his eye. He whipped around and saw a pretty little girl, dress and face smudged with soot and ash and tears and blood that wasn't hers. She looked up at him a frightened, helpless, pleading look and opened her mouth. But Allen saw the soul hanging above her, the forty or so year old man with her eyes, most likely her father, and his arm shot out and crushed her like a bug before she could even scream. The girl's father gave him a very, very grateful look before he disappeared, now free to the afterlife, released from the hell his life had become.

And there was the cold satisfaction again. Brief and cold, like a sharp refreshing breeze in the middle of a hot summer day, like a cold knife pressed up against hot, hot feverish flesh, like snow stuffed down your shirt in the middle of a snowball fight.

And now all was suddenly silent. Krory, teeth bloody and temperament nasty, walked over to him and told him that that was the last one, that it was over and they could go home. Allen smiled at him and fainted into his arms. Now was all right, it was all right to be selfish and lazy now, to rest. But only until next time.

The taste of blood disappeared. For now.

* * *

Nothing really happens in this one, I just wanted Allen to be a bit introspective (that, and I couldn't think of anything else...). Please review!


	68. Attention

**Attention**

There was a faint glimmer in Kanda's eyes that could be seen whenever he was amused if you paid attention, a little sparkle, twinkling like a star in the vast dark night sky. Allen liked that sparkle, he wasn't quite sure why. He just liked it.

Nobody else seemed to notice it, or pay any particular attention to Kanda's eyes in the first place. Allen didn't realize the implications that he was the only one who did before quite some time.

Allen also noticed that when Kanda was mad he'd shout so loudly and passionately that his hair would fly about his face, getting frizzy and messy and everywhere, just like long hair tended to do.

And he noticed that Kanda didn't get dark circles under his eyes whenever he slept than usual, even if he was tired. The only way to tell if he was tired was to count how many of Lavi remarks it would take before he drew his sword, it took three on a normal day, and only one remark on a sleep deprived one.

Kanda's face didn't go red when he was embarrassed, instead he'd get defensive and the tip of his ears would turn a light pink color that could easily be overseen if you weren't the sort of person that kept an eye on Kanda at all times for whatever creepy reason.

Allen kept noticing all of these little almost unnoticeable things about Kanda that no one else did. It was only around the time that he noted that Kanda ate in a pattern that he realized that he was subconsciously, without noticing or consciously trying, subtly watching Kanda's ever move like some sort of creepy stalker. The revelation had puzzled him at first. Why was he watching Kanda so intently? What was so interesting about Kanda that he _subconsciously _watched him? Nobody else did that, at least to his knowledge.

He counted how many of Lavi's remarks it took before Kanda decided to try and kill him on a daily basis, he always paid attention to his eyes and his hair and even his freaking _ears… _It wasn't normal in any sense of the word.

The questions nagged at the back of his head for days, he tossed and turned in his bed at night, and his appetite suddenly plummeted down to just seven portions of eggs, six bowls of porridge, a basket of scones, a dozen different fruits and vegetables, four pies, and merely one lone towering stack of pancakes. Jerry kept shooting him badly concealed concerned looks but Allen pretended not to notice.

Why did he pay so much attention to Kanda?

Maybe it had something to do with the way he held himself, back so straight you'd think someone had taped a broom to his back, shoulders even, each step perfectly measured, one hand always in easy reach of the sword on his hip, confidence and sense of duty and hostility rolling off of him in waves, face set in a strict vaguely scowlish expression of mild annoyance.

Or maybe it was in the way he talked, his tone sharp as a knife, his words succinct and short, spoken quietly in that way people did when they knew that they didn't have to raise their voices, people would listen intently to each and every word spoken anyways.

Though Allen supposed that wasn't it. It may actually have something to do with how Kanda _sometimes _held himself. Maybe it was in the way he sometimes moved with a fluid lazy grace, his shoulders slightly lowered in a relaxed slump, Mugen not even at his side, a calm serenity being exuded by him, his face clear and untroubled.

Maybe it had something to with how he sometimes just let his guard down and spoke whatever drifted through his mind, tone soft and carefree, words rambling and digressing so much it was hard to follow what he was saying at all.

Allen liked it when he caught Kanda in these moments, shield down and mind and heart open for all to see. He liked it maybe even more than when Kanda's eyes glimmered with amusement.

Yeah. Maybe that was why. Kanda was interesting because when he let his guard down, way, _way _down, he was vastly different, an interesting enigma that never ended. When he let Allen see what was underneath the scowling face it was easy to see how his eyes could be compared to the vast dark night sky. It was fascinating to see how he unwound and unraveled, like a flower blossoming, the petals parting to show its inner beauty.

Though Allen had to admit to himself that there may just be just a little something else as to why he paid such close attention to him when he noticed what goddamn brand of shampoo Kanda used based on just smell. What was he even doing _smelling _Kanda? Subconsciously, naturally. Typical. God, he was such a freak…

It actually took Allen an embarrassing amount of time to realize it. To realize why he noticed all of these stupid meaningless little things, why he smelled Kanda's hair without even noticing it himself, why he observed and watched and dreamed and wondered about the man.

Of course it had to be such a gooey, mushy answer…


	69. Hand

**Hand**

Kanda's eyes watered from the smoke and he wrinkled his nose at the sting. He'd already forgotten the name of this large village they were in, it was useless information and he was rather preoccupied with not stepping into… mud. The cobblestone streets were chipped and faded and covered by mud and horseshit, throngs of people everywhere, bumping into him. It was early winter, every fireplace lit, smoke being blown down on the people braving the cold by the harsh wind, the sky grey and foreboding, no sun in sight.

They were only passing through the village, on their way to the train station there so that they could get to another village that hopefully wasn't as horrible as the on they were currently in. Kanda had forgotten the name of that village as well.

Kanda was trying not to lose sight of the person he was traveling with. There was only him and Allen, no Finder. There had been been some reports about a couple of level Ones where they were going, the only reason there had to be two of them in the first place was because there had also been some reports of at least one level Three there. It was actually kind of hard to keep up with Allen, weaving his way in and out between the villagers with ease, not even brushing against them oddly enough. Kanda could barely move with all the people pressing up against him, he was actually kind of jealous of Allen's skill.

He would have lost sight of Allen ages ago if it weren't for the fact that with the gloomy grey sky, the dull brick buildings, and the colorless fabrics and bland soot smudged faces of the villagers the back of Allen's head stood out like a sore thumb, a white so pure it was almost a little painful to look at it directly, like the sun.

He pushed his way rudely forwards, not bothering to mutter half-assed apologies or excuses as the unfortunate people stumbled and a few went to their knees in the mud and crap on the ground, shooting glares and muttered curses at his back. He had to do it if he didn't want to lose Allen, he'd be damned if he'd ask the twerp to slow down for him, he would _never _do something as degrading as that.

Kanda's eyes stayed locked on that halo of white hair, a smudge of untouched snow in the middle of a crap world, something to pay attention to and catch up with no matter what it took.

Allen glanced back at him over his shoulder, noticed that Kanda still hadn't caught up with him, noticed how he kept bumping into every person within a five meter radius of him, noticed how he couldn't even be bothered with trying to avoid the puddles as he was too busy with trying to keep up. Kanda gritted his teeth and made himself walk even faster, even if his bones and limbs were tired and weary of having walked for four hours straight without pause, even if Allen not-so-subtly slowed down a bit which was a _major _blow to his pride by the way, even if Allen was trying to hide it.

At least it wasn't raining, he told himself in his head.

Cue a very sudden downpour of rain.

Kanda hated the world and everyone in it.

His hair was thick, so thick in fact, that it would take the rest of the day for it to dry even if he managed to get under a roof in the next ten seconds. He was already cold, and if he got any colder soon he'd start shaking, and that would just look pathetic. Kanda hated looking pathetic. And weak. And resembling a drowned kitten. Which he had been told on more than one occasion by Daisya that he did when he got wet.

He kept on resolutely shoving his way through the crowd, rain pouring down from the sky and Allen's bright white hair being the one thing he kept his eye on, desperate to just get on the damn train so that he could hate the world without having to do it while also being surrounded by people and crap and rain.

He felt a sudden strange sensation of pressure enveloping his hand. He looked down at his left hand. A gloved hand was holding his own. He saw that familiar glove, his eyes trailing up a black sleeve, landing on a small shoulder, going up a pale neck that would be oh so easy to snap, and landed on a bright white mop of hair, silver eyes on shit covered ground, pale creamy cheeks a bright red.

"I don't want to get lost. Come on BaKanda." Came the feeble, flimsy, slightly defensive excuse.

Kanda froze for a moment. This was obviously being done for him, out of pity no less. Here his rival was, holding his hand as if he were some snotty brat that would run off at the first chance he'd get. He seriously considered punching the pintsized brat. But the gloved hand was warm in his own. And the white smudge of pure snow was much closer now. And the rose red cheeks were hard to convince himself to punch.

"Keh," he said in a dismissive town and looked away of to the side, hoping his face wasn't as red as the Bean Sprout's.

He didn't let go of the hand.

Allen led him through the crowd, and suddenly everything was better. The crowd, not wanting to get wet, was thinning out, the villagers hurrying home. The rain didn't stop, but the sun peeked shyly through a thick cloud, and the rain suddenly seemed warmer, a bit more pleasant. Kanda marveled at the sudden upturn of events and followed Allen, their hands linked.

They boarded the train and found their wagon and sat down, grateful for getting out of the rain. Kanda sighed and untied his ribbon, hoping for his hair to dry faster. He caught Allen watching him untying his hair with that blush again and he wondered what was so interesting. He considered for a moment asking for the answer –more like demanding it really- but then changed his mind. He was tired. He'd much rather sleep than interrogate some Bean Sprout.

Kanda closed his eyes and relaxed in his seat, preparing for a long trip. Allen did the same with a yawn.

Neither noticed that they were both still holding hands.

* * *

I feel like I should have probably written a little pervier chapter seeing as this is chapter 69 (still can't believe I've gotten this far) but screw it, I'm a fluff lover writing a PG rated story, not a lemon machine.


	70. Senses

**Senses**

There is the gentle susurration of the wind, there is the soft howl of the wind, and there is the reassuring rhythm of breathing next to him. Allen doesn't touch him, he just curls up close so that he can feel the heat radiate off of Kanda. Kanda is lying on his back, face relaxed and peaceful in deep sleep. His hair is out of its usual ponytail, his hair fanning out on the white pillow like spilt ink. Allen is curled up in a tight ball, lying on his side, close to Kanda, eyes on his sleeping lovers face.

Allen does not blink. Not for a second.

He could probably lay his head on Kanda's chest and listen to his heartbeat as well without waking him, but Allen doesn't want to lose sight of his face. He burns the image of Kanda into his retinas and he breaths as quietly as possible, much more interested in listening to Kanda's breaths.

It is midnight. Allen should be sleeping, just like Kanda. Allen should be exhausted, should be happy to sleep after the exhausting day he'd had, what with the just coming back to the castle form an intense mission, from the tiresome training, from the passionate sex he and Kanda had had. He ought to be sleeping like a rock. But he isn't. He has never been more awake, he thinks, in that moment. His senses are hyperaware and he isn't even sure why.

The room is dark. The room is quiet. Except for the gentle susurration of the rain, the soft howl of the wind, and the reassuring rhythm of breathing next to him.

But Allen is tense, ready to spring up from the warm comfortable bed in less than a moment's notice, adrenaline is coursing through his veins and he doesn't know why. There is something wrong. Something is wrong. Horribly, horribly _wrong. _Allen doesn't know what and that just makes it worse. His eyes are on Kanda, if there is something wrong he wants to have his eyes on Kanda who is sleeping and oh so vulnerable right now in this moment of weakness, he wants to be able to protect Kanda better.

Allen has always trusted his sense of intuition.

He strains his senses, not daring to move even an inch due to the raw fear that is smothering him like a pillow pressed against his face, arms pinned and restrained.

He hears, he hears the rain, the wind; Kanda's reassuring breathing, but what else? He narrows his eyes but does not dare to blink and he picks up the tick tock of the clock.

He feels, he feels the soft blankets enveloping him, the soft mattress and the pillow underneath him, the tips of Kanda's hair tickling his forehead, the heat radiating off of Kanda, the dull throb of his twisted ankle, another more pleasant throb in his lower back which is the aftermath of his and Kanda's pleasant activities prior.

He tastes, he can almost swear that he can taste the lingering aftertaste of Kanda in his mouth, his salty sweat and salty other things, his sweet mouth, the minty toothpaste he'd used a few hours ago.

He sees, he sees Kanda, Kanda is his world, he sees Kanda's dark hair gleam in the moonlight that is filtering through their half-closed drapes, he sees Kanda's lips, slightly open, chest calmly rising and falling, he sees his neck stretched out, jugular and larynx oh so vulnerable, throat so easy to slit in his unawareness, eyelashes unusually long and thick for a male, rough yet elegant features dead to the world.

He smells, he smells the detergent that was used to wash these sheets, he smells sweat from their earlier activity, he smells Kanda's own musk, his long beautiful hair that smells like flowers, he smells petrichor, he smells… oil?

Oil?

Akuma.

Allen immediately springs up out of bed, activating his Innocence with a shout.

But it is too late.


	71. Hopeless

**Hopeless**

Allen's hair smelled like cinnamon. It was slightly longish, going just past his jaw line, and a bright white color, just like pure white new fallen snow. It was time for another haircut for him, Kanda was supposed to be the one with the long hair.

Why was he thinking so much about hair? Maybe it had something to do with the fact that his face was currently pressed up against Allen's skull, his white hair Kanda's entire world at the moment, the scent of cinnamon the only thing he could smell, white all that he could see, silky softness the only thing he could feel.

Kanda slowly began to grow aware of his surroundings, gently floating up from the depths of unconsciousness. His arms were around Allen, holding him in place, pinning his arms to his sides. Their bodies pressed up against each other, Allen's body heat seeping into Kanda's bones, gifting him a terribly comfortable warmth.

His grip on Allen was a little tight even though he wasn't concentrating in the least in making it so. Kanda relaxed his hold wiggled a bit so that his face and body wasn't pressed up against Allen. Not that he didn't enjoy the sensation but he'd already just lied there, awake in bed while holding Allen for at least an hour. It was time he got on with his day.

The drapes were wide open, letting bright sunlight into the room. He, a tad reluctantly, got out of bed. The floor would have been cold to his feet if it weren't for the fact that the floor had been warmed by the sun for several hours already, now it was just comfortably warm.

He stood up and looked back at Allen, still lying in bed, sleeping. He was sleeping on his side, back to him. Kanda rather thought that the way the sunlight fell on Allen's white hair made it glow as if it were a halo, as if Allen were an angel, fallen to earth were he laid, maybe dead. This slightly morbid thought spurred Kanda to lean across the bed, towards Allen. He reached out two fingers and felt for a pulse on his neck. He found it, the rhythm was very reassuring and nice, and he immediately felt stupid, dumb, irrational. Of course Allen wasn't dead. There was no reason to be so… paranoid.

He turned away from Allen, thoughts of dead angels and cinnamon still in his mind, and walked into the bathroom next to their bedroom.

He took a shower, a longer than necessary good warm shower. The water cascaded down his back, plastering his long dark hair to his body, his muscles relaxing and his mind clearing.

When he was done he got out one of those fluffy white towels Allen had bought and dried off. He walked back into the bedroom, the towel tied around his waist.

Allen was awake. Rubbing the grit out of his eyes, hair ruffled, yawns escaping his mouth, he peered at Kanda and smiled. It was one of those private smiles that only Kanda got to saw and Kanda loved. It wasn't like his fake polite smile, it was soft and small but easy and carefree, lovely.

"G'morning beautiful." Allen yawned.

Kanda grunted noncommittally but strolled over to the bed, not bothering to try and fasten his towel when it slipped a bit, he liked the way Allen's eyes immediately flew to that area, suddenly oh so attentive even if he could have that any time he wanted. He leaned over the bed again and kissed Allen. It was just a soft press of the lips, nothing urgent or needy about it. But then they got more into it and pressed harder, opening their mouths and getting their tongues involved.

Kanda loved the taste of Allen's mouth, so warm and familiar. And by the sound of the moans Allen was making he rather liked the taste of Kanda's mouth as well.

Kanda liked these types of mornings, no, he loved them. So relaxed and carefree and perfect. He wished every morning was like this, wished every _day _was like this. Nothing bad or painful or annoying, just long showers and unhurried kisses and amazing sex with no urgency involved, just all the time in the world. But the world wasn't like that, life wasn't like that. But Kanda didn't feel like thinking about that at the moment. He felt like relaxing and living in the moment, this absolutely perfect moment.

He ended up having to take another shower again, this time with Allen, which was just fine with him. Afterwards they had breakfast, soba for Kanda and lots and lots of eggs and bacon for Allen. They got dressed and walked outside. No matter how comfortable it was if Kanda didn't get out soon he'd go stir crazy. They decided to take a walk through the park. The weather was great, all warm sunlight and bright blue sky and the occasional refreshing breeze.

They walked past a car accident. Police tape everywhere, two absolutely wrecked cars, swarming curious crowds, police and ambulances and confusion. Kanda saw a man with a white beret behind the wheel of one of the cars, eyes wide open and unblinking, blood still trickling out of his ear, and he felt sick. Especially so when he saw the girl, still a teenager, screaming hysterically as the paramedics tried to calm her down. Her legs were squashed flat like pancakes, but her eyes were on the man that looked like her brother.

Kanda looked away from the spectacle, feeling like he was going to be violently ill, already regretting stepping foot out of his and Allen's house. He felt Allen's hand take a hold of his own and he let Allen lead him away from the noise and the grief. The girls hysterical cries of "BIG BROTHER! WAKE UP, BIG BROTHER!" soon faded behind them, but not soon enough.

Kanda felt suddenly very, very tired after seeing such a horrible sight after the beautiful morning he'd just had. Tired and hopeless.

Kanda looked up and he saw Allen's encouraging, sad smile. That girls life was ruined, her brother was dead and her legs were as good as gone. But Kanda on the other hand, had Allen. Allen who was alive, Allen was just fine. Kanda looked at that smile and hoped to God that he would never lose it.

"Let's go watch a movie, just to get our mind off things." Allen said.

Kanda still felt tired, but not all that hopeless anymore.

* * *

This originally started as a Death Note drabble but is seems like everything I try to write eventually morfs into a DGM drabble. Oh well, I guess it's for the best since I shouldn't start any other projects before this fic is over with. And yay! Only thirty chapters to go, people!


	72. Poisonous

**Poisonous**

She was a wonder.

She would grace Lenalee with the most benevolent smile ever witnessed, as if she were committing an act so selfless angels would weep with admiration, while stomping on her hand with her heel, breaking it with joy.

She would wear her cute frilly dresses, laces draping over her deceptively young innocent figure, but underneath those frilly skirts she would hide a knife, a dagger, a pistol, a horsewhip just for her. She would use these with weapons with both ease and ecstasy, oh so happy to inflict pain and suffering.

Her tone so lighthearted, while discussing the most grave of news. Her giggles slipping between those tantalizing lips while listing the death tolls of her most recent escapade.

Her eyes conveying so much bittersweet love while inflicting the greatest of misery. Her love so oppressive that it was hard to breathe in her embrace. It was like being loved by the deadliest poison, the sharpest blade, a rose with so many thorns that the stem is obscured.

Her hands were soft, yet they stung like fire when they slapped her face. Her nails, carefully manicured and filed and polished, raking down her back painfully, coating those perfect nails with a new coat of fresh blood that she would elegantly and seductively lick off with great pleasure.

Her love was so painful, it hurt so much Lenalee could hardly believe she was still alive. But it was a fact of life, Road loved her, and Lenalee loved her back. And this was the only way Road could love, and Lenalee loved her too much to do what was best for her, to just leave, to live without pain or fear or humiliation.

Lenalee was treated to the greatest of delicacies when she ate. Once she'd mentioned that the stake was a bit cold, the next day over breakfast Road had casually mentioned that she'd tortured and killed the chef and his family and half the town he had lived in. Lenalee made careful sure from the on not to ever, ever complain.

She was given the most beautiful dresses, made of satin and silk and velvet, tailored just for her, each complimenting her complexion perfectly. Though sometimes she didn't wear them. Sometimes she wore nothing but tight chaffing leather, and sometimes nothing at all.

Her hair always brushed and taken care of by Road each morning. She allowed no one else to touch it, not even the servants. Sometimes Road would spend hours brushing and playing with Lenalee's hair, giggling and playing with her precious doll.

Lenalee didn't mind. She didn't mind her loss of freedom, her loss of sense of self, of her brother, of her friends, of independence and a right, of being a human being, being reduced to a doll, something for entertainment. Because that was what love was. Love was sacrifice, love was giving up things just to be close to the one you loved, love _hurt _you.

She loved Road. She loved the way despite all the pain and suffering Road truly did love her. She loved her protectiveness, it reminded her of her brother.

Road was her girlfriend, her lover, her mistress and queen, her life partner, her owner, her puppet master, her empress, her boss, her wife, even. The ceremony had been grand, pearls and diamonds and frills and laces everywhere, the Earl crying proudly nearby, with Shirley sobbing on his shoulder. All of the Noah had been there. Lenalee didn't really talk to them much, they viewed her much how they would view an annoying puppy that hadn't been housetrained yet. Not that Road treated her any better, in fact she treated her worse, but Lenalee could see the love in her eyes and that was all she needed.

Her back was covered in nail scratches and whip marks, her face always donning makeup due to the constant dark unsightly bruises there, long sleeves covering up the blue and yellow markings, the burn scars and the wax that hadn't gotten time to properly peel off. A high collar to cover up the hickeys and the wounds that the spiked collar had given her, the one that was spiked on _both _sides. Gloves to cover up her nail less fingers, as little strenuous activities as possible so that her limp wouldn't be too noticeable.

Such a poisonous, hurtful, unequal love.

Lenalee looked at her lover, her queen, her mistress, her wife and saw her blood the whip in her hand and the love in her eyes. She couldn't stop herself from swooning.

Maybe she was just a sick person.

* * *

I have no excuse for this chapter.


	73. Ignorance

**Ignorance**

Allen fidgeted in his seat, uncomfortable. Kanda was glaring at Allen. Now this wasn't all that unusual. Normally if Kanda were glaring at Allen he'd just glare right back, maybe throw out a few insults so that they'd have an excuse to trade blows. But this was an unusual situation to be glaring at Allen and he wasn't quite sure about what to do.

Kanda glared at Allen for plenty of reasons. He glared at him when he accidentally bumped into him, when he ate like he normally did, when he did or said something that Kanda would call stupid, which was most of the time. But try as he might Allen couldn't think of a single reason as to why Kanda was suddenly glaring at him now.

He'd just been thinking about whether or not he'd have apple or cherry pie for dessert that day or maybe just both. He'd been biting his lip, deep in thought and then he'd looked up at the seat across from him at the cafeteria table and saw Kanda glaring at him viciously. What had he even done?

Allen decided he'd ask.

"What the Hell are you glaring at me for, BaKanda?" Allen snapped.

Hmm. Okay. Maybe that wasn't exactly what he'd been meaning to say. But that was Kanda. Somehow he just got to Allen, his mere presence crawling under his skin and making his Mana mask crack a little, letting loose Red in all his rudeness.

"It's your fault." Kanda said with a scowl.

"What? What the Hell are you talking about? What's my fault?" Allen said.

"_This,_" Kanda growled. He put a hand on his chest, right over his heart.

"… I don't follow."

"I don't know how but when you bite your lip like that it makes an itchy, ticklish feeling _here. _" Kanda said, thumping his heart over his heart.

Allen stared at Kanda for a long moment, dumbfounded.

"I… make your heart feel weird?" Allen asked.

The whole situation felt rather unreal.

Kanda nodded.

"And not only that," he said, "you're so distracting! It's enough that you're an incompetent Exorcist by yourself! You have to drag me down with you. Everything you do is so Goddamn distracting. And sometimes it's not only my heart; sometimes my lungs feel weird too. Sometimes it's hard to breathe. And sometimes it feels like there's a swarm of butterflies in my stomach or something."

Allen stared blankly at Kanda, his mouth slightly agape as he listened in disbelief. Kanda continued ranting on obliviously.

"And sometimes I can't stop thinking about you. And sometimes because of those stupid butterflies things I can't eat for _days. _I can't sleep! I can't pay attention! I can barely function!" Kanda glared at him as if he were asking him what thought of all this.

Allen thought he was receiving the worlds most mind-blowing, flattering complaint in the history of mankind.

Allen stared at Kanda for a full minute in silence, his face unbearably hot and red,

"I…" Allen tried to force some words out of his throat, but it seemed his vocal chords had tied up, his tongue gluing itself to the roof of his mouth, his lips locking, his mouth drying up.

His face was beet red and he didn't know what to say or how to react. Kanda had just as good as confessed to him without even realizing it.

Finally Allen opted for the simplest solution. He banged his head against the table surface in the hopes that the blow would both knock him out and the past five minutes of memory out of his head. Unfortunately only the former happened.

* * *

Ignorance is bliss, eh?


	74. Moment

**Moment**

For a moment, a frozen moment, Allen observed the world.

He was in the middle of battle. He should be concentrating on killing Akuma, of saving innocent bystanders, of aiding his allies. But he knew that for just a moment it would be okay to stand still, not because things were slowing down or that he had to catch a breather, but because he knew that that moment wasn't even a moment, it hung unmoving and suspended like a raindrop falling from the sky in a picture.

In this one frozen moment, he had all the time in the world.

About a meter in front of him a Finder had been struck by a sharp jagged piece of metal, debris. It had struck him in the middle of his chest, the moment had frozen mere seconds after it had hit. The Finder was man with a forgettable face, normal brown eyes and hair, plain face and average height. On his plain face was a look of pain, but not the pain you'd expect to see on the face of a man who had been just dealt his killing blow, but the sort of pain you saw on a persons face after they'd accidentally cut their finger while cutting up the vegetables. Just a little wince at an unexpected small prick of pain. The realization that he was going to die had probably not even sunk in yet, not even the pain had apparently sunk in yet.

Some of the man's blood had catapulted away from his chest when he had been struck, the result being mesmerizing drops of deep crimson hanging suspended in air. They sparkled in the cheery sunlight that filtered through the thick black smoke that hung over the soon-to-be-demolished village like oddly shaped pillars. It was like those drops of blood belonged there, right there, suspended in mid-air where gravity could never allow them to stay.

Allen's eyes couldn't move, his body couldn't move, because he couldn't do that. That would break the moment; break it into a million little shards of broken sandglass, grains of sand on the ground as time resumed its course. He could only see what was in front of him.

The experience was strange, otherworldly. He had never experienced anything ever like it yet he was calm. It just seemed so… natural. Not like it had been fated to happen since the moment of his birth, but more like it just happened like… like how the sun shone. Yes, this moment was exactly like that. This frozen moment was comparable to how the suns rays would travel thousands of miles to hit the earth and grow the plants and make the lakes sparkle. This was inevitable, yet there was no reason to make a big fuss about it, it had been like this for an eternity, Allen had just never noticed.

He didn't want to break this moment, so fragile yet so oddly strong.

Allen observed the world.

The sky was the loveliest shade of blue, bright white clouds in the sky that reminded him of cotton candy. The sun was so strong, so dependable and determined as it sent its rays down to the earth to make the plants grown and the lakes sparkle. It was excellent weather to fight in, yet horrible. It was easier to fight in sunlight than in rain, yet it seemed so horribly inappropriate, ironic, sarcastic even. People were dying and they ought to be treated with solemn respect in their last moments, they should not have their deaths be mocked by the merry weather that didn't give a damn about their lives.

A butterfly had been frozen mid-flap when the world had frozen. He could see it out of the corner of his eye, razor sharp wings shimmering in the sunlight, beautiful and white and creamy and _pure. _He could see the dust motes hanging suspended and unmoving in the inappropriately bright sunlight.

He could see the white of the eye of one of the Akuma, mere feet away, right behind the dying Finder, ready to pounce at Allen as soon as he decided to break the moment. The moment… it was so peaceful, but he knew that if he remained in it for too long he would go mad. Eventually he'd had to break it, smash it into smithereens with the tiniest movement and time would resume. The Finder would die, the butterfly would disappear, the blood drops would fall, and the Akuma would pounce. Life would continue. He'd be forced to walk on, too afraid to even look back.

Allen savoured the moment one last time, completely took it in, and immersed himself in it. And then he shot forwards like a bullet and the sandglass of the moment shattered, grains of sand spilling onto the ground, the butterfly flying away never to be seen by him again, the Akuma getting its head crushed to a pulp, soul being freed, Finder dying, smoke and blood and dust _moving. _Moving, moving like the cogs in a clockwork, always in motion, never looking back, never stopping once except for this one exception.

He heard the dull thud as the Finder collapsed to the ground, his rattling last gasp, the gory slimy sound of the Akuma's head being enveloped in the tight hold of his Innocence. Yet another explosion was heard in the distance.

Allen ran towards the location where the explosion had gone off, sure of the fact that another enemy would be there. Always in motion, never looking back.

He was calm, horribly, strangely calm. Serene, even. He moved fast and struck even faster.

Because there wasn't time to observe the world any more that was over now. The moment had been broken and it could not be brought back.

All that was left now as to keep moving forward.

* * *

Please review!


	75. Bread

**Bread**

Rain peppered his body like shotgun pellets, his hair that went just past his shoulders clinging to his face and neck. His thin cheap shoes made squelching noises when they slapped against the mud that was paved in a thick layer over the cobblestone ground of the village. Kanda was panting harshly, face blotchy and red with exhaustion yet he did not dare slow down, enraged shouts ringing behind him as he clung to the now soggy pieces of loaf with a desperate hunger.

His chest felt tight, panic bubbling up his throat as paranoia convinced him the shouts were getting closer. Oh God, oh God, oh God… They were going to cut of his fingers! His nose! Throw him in the slammer! Maybe even _hang _him. Fear at the thought of death stabbed him like a sharp needle to the temple. He already regretted his actions, but he'd just been so hungry… when the delicious aroma of food had reached his nostrils he hadn't been able to control himself, his mouth watering and his hands swiftly stealing the loaves without him even telling them to.

Oh God, oh God, he'd sinned! He was going to burn in Hell for eternity!

He ran into an alley, hoping his pursuers hadn't seen him. He ran along as fast as he could, stitches in his sides protesting as the world around him blurred together, as if someone were running their hand along a fresh painting, smearing the colors together.

Kanda reached a dead end.

His heart leaped up his throat as thoughts spiraled around frantically in his head, no order in the chaos of fear and panic in the eight year olds mind that was afraid of punishment for letting his hunger get the best of him.

_They're going to cut me, whip me, beat me, _kill _me!_

He looked around frantically at the sounds of thundering footsteps nearing and eventually hid behind a barrel. He curled up into a ball, hoping to make himself as small as possible, wishing that he could turn invisible.

Across him, sitting by the other wall of the alley was another boy. Kanda's breath hitched as he looked with wide eyes at the young boy sitting across from him. The boy had white hair like snow, his left arm wrapped up in filthy bandages, beggars clothes draped over his small form just like Kanda. The boy looked to be around Kanda's age. The boy was looking at him with bid doe like silver eyes and Kanda thought, _he saw him me, he's seeing me, he's gonna blab about me to the adults for a reward, oh God I'm going to die. _

Kanda swallowed dryly and sent him a pleading, desperate look and then his pursuers arrived.

There were three of them, big and intimidating with rippling muscles and mean faces. They were clearly furious.

One of them noticed the other boy and pointed at him.

"Hey! You! You seen a thieving brat run by?" he said rudely.

The boy, to Kanda's astonishment, shook his head.

Maybe he was going to get out of this alive? Maybe he was going to-

"You sure? There'll be something in it for you…" one of the men said temptingly, jiggling a small bag of coins.

Maybe he was going to die after all. There was no way the loaves he had stolen were worth that much. The men were clearly not after just the bread anymore, they were more preoccupied with revenge than anything else. He sent a brief prayer up to God, knowing that no person in their right mind would pass up such an offer.

The white haired boy shook his head again.

One of the men took a threatening step forward and Kanda's heart lodged in his throat, hoping, hoping, hoping that the man wouldn't spot Kanda hiding behind the barrel, clinging to the bread as if it were a teddy bear.

"Oh really?" the man said in a deadly threatening whisper.

The boy looked up at the man with wide frightened eyes and he said in a tight, panicky voice, "I swear sir. I've not seen anyone but myself in this alley for hours. We're alone."

Kanda was overwhelmed by the shear kind loyalty of this complete stranger towards him. If the situation had been reversed would he have done the same thing?

The man grinned. "Oh? Alone are we? Well, that's just perfect isn't it?" he laughed harshly and raised his fist.

Kanda watched on in horror but then…

"Oh, c'mon Brutus. S'not worth it. It's cold and raining and I just want to get back home. The missus'll get all riled up if I don't get home soon." One of the other men said, placing a restraining hand on Brutus's shoulder.

Brutus scowled but relented, slinking away from the alley with his friends like a wounded dog.

The white haired boy let out a shuddering breath along with Kanda. God, that was close.

"T-thank you…" Kanda finally made himself say after awhile.

The boy looked up at him as if he'd forgotten all about him.

Kanda looked at the boy, the complete and utter, stranger who hadn't betrayed him and he saw an angel, a Godsend.

Kanda stood up, his knees shaky from the nasty fright he'd just had and he walked over to the boy. The boy looked at him as if he were the oddest thing he'd ever seen. Kanda looked at the boy's sunken in cheeks, his small, starved form and had an idea about how he could repay the immense favor the boy had done for him. Kanda took his soggy, stolen loaf and tore out a big chunk of it and handed it to the boy.

He stared at the offered piece of food, hesitant and disbelieving. Kanda did something he did rarely, very, _very _rarely. He smiled. It was even an encouraging smile at that.

The boy looked at his smile, saw something that he apparently liked, and timidly accepted the proffered piece of food and bit into it with relish. He moaned.

Kanda sat down next to the boy, happy to notice that a piece of jutting roof shingles made a small, flimsy barrier between the two and the rain.

"Kanda," he said, "My name's Kanda."

The boy swallowed and looked at him shyly, cheeks flushed with cold and eyes sparkling at the opportunity of food and a new friend.

"Allen," he said, "pleasure to meet you."

"Pleasure's all mine." Kanda said honestly, reaching out a hand to shake.

Allen looked at the hand before shifting around awkwardly so that he could shake with his right hand instead of the heavily bandaged left one. Kanda supposed it was badly injured.

They shook hands and Kanda took a big bite out of the bread.

He imagined it tasted better than it would have if he'd been alone.

* * *

If you couldn't tell this is a drabble were Kanda and Allen are both beggars on the streets of London during the Victorian-era. I worry I maybe made Kanda bit OOC character but oh well, this was meant to be fluff anyways. Hope you liked it, please review!


	76. Flirt

**Flirt**

Lavi took a deep breath, the combined scent of mildew, paper, ink and dust filling his lungs. Ah… the beautiful smell of a bookstore, full of hidden treasures among in the rickety bookshelves no doubt bought for cheap at flea markets years past.

He grinned and shook raindrops of his umbrella, happy to having discovered this bookstore he'd never seen, hidden, nestled away in an alley. To think he'd never thought to look down that alley all of the years he'd lived in the neighborhood. He milled aimlessly in between the shelves, peering curiously at all of the different books, all of them unique and different, information and knowledge put down on paper, just waiting to be read.

"I can't remember the last time we had a customer…" a smooth, male voice said behind him.

Lavi spun around. Behind him there stood a man slightly taller than him, skin as dark as coffee, lighting almost fooling him into thinking the man's eyes were gold in color, a lazy yet somehow elegant smile on his face. The man was wearing a crisp white button up shirt and blue jeans, a plain work apron with a nametag proclaiming the man to be named Tyki.

"Oh! Hi!" Lavi said, surprised but mood still as sunny as the sky was not.

A flicker of amusement at the redheads cheer shot through the man's eyes like a bullet, gone and hidden before a second had passed.

"Are you looking for anything in particular?" he enquired dutifully.

Lavi shook his head.

"Nah, I decided to see what was in this alley while passing it today and found this place! It's great! But do you have any recommendations?" he said.

"Well I've always been particular to the old classicals like Sherlock Holmes or Moby Dick for example." Tyki said.

"I love those! But I read a little bit of everything really, though I really love nonfiction." Lavi said amiably.

Tyki, ever ready to promote the dying stores fine selection, launched into a detailed description of all of the nonfiction books they owned. As the man talked Lavi noticed how he had a beauty spot underneath his left eye, how his hair was slightly curled, a little messy, almost as if he'd just rolled out of bed. The man's voice was pleasant to listen to, making Lavi think of melted chocolate.

Customers were rare and far in between when it came to the store Tyki worked at, so he was quite well read when it came to the stores contents, what with having nothing to do but leaf through the numerous books every day. He could easily rattle off all of the nonfiction books in the store without even paying any particular attention to the deed. He observed the redhead.

He looked to be a couple of years younger than Tyki, hair as red as fire, defying gravity with the help of a green bandana, lone eye glittering with interest like a carefully polished emerald. Tyki looked at the eye patch discreetly, a little bit more interested than was considered appropriate for an utter stranger. He was a bright and optimistic sort of person, Tyki could tell right off the bat. But the way he listened to Tyki with such focused intent betrayed a great intelligence as well.

He was actually kind of cute…

Lavi nodded along to Tyki's spiel, letting that silky smooth voice wash over him with a smile that he had to concentrate on not to turn dopey and dreamy.

This guy was actually pretty handsome…

Eventually Tyki ran out of book titles to recite as if it were the code of PI and he smiled charmingly down at the redhead.

"So, any catch your interest?"

"Actually I own all of them." Lavi said, not letting disappointment get the best of him.

Tyki blinked once in astonishment at this blunt answer and a surprised laugh wormed its way out of his throat.

Lavi smiled at the sound. He had a nice laugh to go along with his voice. He wondered if Tyki sang.

"Well, horribly sorry not to be of help then." Tyki said good-naturedly.

Lavi grinned at him and glanced out of the window of the store absentmindedly and saw that the rain had stopped, shafts of sunlight already falling upon the puddles in the streets.

"Oh, I just remembered I have an appointment." Lavi said as he remembered the Old Panda and his impatience.

He turned to leave but a warm hand settled on his shoulder, stopping him in his tracks. He looked over his shoulder at Tyki curiously.

"Hang on," Tyki said on an impulse.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a notepad and a stub of a pencil. He jotted some ciphers down and tore off the page, handing it to Lavi.

"Call me later and I can see if I can remember any other nonfiction books. It bothers me that I wasted so much of you time and you have nothing to show for it." Tyki said, sly bastard that he was.

Lavi's face went pink when he saw that Tyki had given him his number, recognizing the thinly veiled excuse for what it was. He hammed the number into his pocket and gave Tyki a big goofy smile.

"Sure," he said a bit shyly.

Tyki smiled and let go of Lavi's shoulder, allowing his hasty escape.

He chuckled at himself when he realized he'd just given his number to a person whose name he didn't even know. Oh well, he'd just have to find that out later when he called him. Until then he'd just have to call him the Cute Redhead.

* * *

This is my first time writing Lucky, what do you guys think?


	77. Care

**Care**

Allen woke up to an empty motel bed. He wasn't surprised, it was always like this. Get a drunken phone call in the middle of the night or a succinct text message only telling him the location where they would meet a month since last time when he was practically the embodiment of sexual tension, the need for release so great that he was nearly sued for police brutality after every arrest he made. Arrive to the location and find the nearest cheap motel and rent a room for a few hours, ignoring the clerks judgmental knowing look, and then proceed to fuck each other's brains out. And then wake up a few hours later aching and alone.

_(Don't cry)_

It was early dawn, the morning traffic jam just getting started, the sun peeking over the horizon. It had been the drunken phone call procedure this time, his voice over the phone slurred and perfect face still flushed when Allen parked his car next to the motel. Kanda's mouth had tasted like alcohol, the ridiculously expensive stuff that Allen could never hope to taste, what with him being poor as shit.

_(You don't have to pay me Kanda)_

Allen squeezed his eyes shut when his heart did that bothersome painful pang thing it always did when he woke up alone, always hopeful but never expecting him to really still be there.

_(Maybe this time…)_

He wondered if this was even worth it. Sure, he got to be close to him, got to see him, to feel him and fuck him and taste him and have his hands rove over him almost as he loved him in return, but it wasn't healthy.

It had been almost a year since Allen confessed, almost a year since Kanda had rejected him and almost a year since Kanda had called him, drunk as a skunk and horny as all hell. Allen would have probably have forgotten about the damned policeman by now, would have moved on with his life, if it weren't for these goddamn meetings. Each one refreshed the memory of Kanda in his mind, lifted his hopes just to have them dashed and broken the next morning, prevented him from getting over the bastard.

Allen should just stand up for himself, give Kanda a firm no the next time he comes calling for no-strings-attached sex, because Allen wants more than that, and Kanda knows it, and he is cruel for using it to get what he wants. Allen hates himself for falling for such a cruel man in the first place. And for not actually standing up for himself as he should, for not saying no.

He swallowed dryly, eyes stinging but pride refusing to let the tears fall, no matter how many times he's already degraded himself by doing this self depreciating thing.

_(Isn't being in love supposed to feel good?) _

He inhaled a shuddering breath and got out of bed and padded quietly towards the bathroom. His hand fell on the doorknob and he was about to open it, about to take a shower and hope that the water could wash away that horrible feeling of rejection that felt like tar in his chest, when he heard something. He heard that the water was already running. Disbelief and wild hope coloring his face he hesitantly opened the door quietly and peered through the crack.

_(Maybe this time…)_

His back was turned to the door, face obscured, but there was no doubt about who it was. Long dark hair cascaded down his back along with the water and Allen, standing frozen in the doorway, felt dizzy.

_(He did stay! But why? Why, why, why did he stay _this_ time?)_

He sucked in a surprised breath and apparently Kanda had the ears of a bat because he turned around, dark eyes falling on him. At the unexpected sight of him a wide range of emotions flickered across his face that he would have otherwise not seen, thank the Lord for the advantage of surprise.

Surprise at his sudden appearance, shame at the memory of his drunkenness last night, and something that looked a horribly lot like hesitant shyness.

_(Him shy? The man who manipulated the one that loved him for sex, shy?)_

Allen's heart was lodged in his throat and he felt so, so very awkward. What was he supposed to do? Close the door and wait? Leave the motel room? Get in and join him in the shower? Make awkward small talk?

Kanda's face flamed an unusual red color and his eyes flew to the bathroom tiles as his arm made a jerky motion that Allen recognized as _come here. _

Allen blinked with surprise and hesitantly, slowly entered, closing the door behind him. He got into the shower, the water so hot that he flinched, but he bit his lip to suppress his yelp. Apparently Kanda liked his water boiling hot.

The shower stall was a little cramped with the two of them there and Allen thought himself ridiculous for feeling shy about sharing a shower with the man he'd had wild, passionate sex with merely hours prior.

"Why are you here?" the question rasped its way out of his throat without his approval.

"Taking a shower," was his answer.

The bastard. The utter bastard. He knew what he meant. He should at least have the decency to answer the person who was apparently the only one willing to fuck him (because why else would he do it with _Allen _of all people) honestly.

Allen's eyes shot up towards Kanda's face, anger and frustration and self-hate making him forget shyness and hesitance and _hope. _

"You know what I mean. You're always out the door by the time I'm up." Allen's voice was harsh and cold, the hatred more for himself than for Kanda. Not that the bastard needed to know that.

_(Why did he have to love such a man? Why, why, why?)_

Kanda's face did a little grimace, regret and remorse and more shame. It reminded Allen a bit of his own face.

"I just…" he trailed off before he could even give Allen a hint of why he had suddenly decided to do this. To _stay. _

"You just what?" Allen said.

_(He wasn't just angry anymore. He needed the answer. He _needed _it)_

Kanda turned his face away, eyes refusing to meet his.

"I don't _know._" He burst out, voice tight and full of tension. "I just… I just couldn't leave."

Allen gave him a blank look, uncomprehending. Kanda finally met his eyes, finally getting riled up, the need to explain himself raising its head.

"Every time I've left it's been harder than the last. I don't know why; there's just something about your face. But I always managed, even if it kind of hurt and bothered me until I saw you again. But this time… this time just as I was opening the door you kind of _cried out _for me. In your sleep. And I felt so friggin' guilty and dirty… like I had _tar_ in my chest or something. And I couldn't leave. I just _couldn't._"

Allen kept on looking blankly up at this man, this bastard that he loved with all he was, this man who had just uttered some of the cheesiest shit he'd ever heard and he saw the embarrassed honesty on his face and felt breathless.

_(Maybe…)_

He'd gotten used to the water temperature now, the water pouring down both their frames, faces close enough that all he had to do was lean in a bit to kiss him.

"So… you'll stay in the morning now." Allen said. It was a question really, but his tone was so flat that it was hard to tell.

Kanda nodded, jerkily.

"Does this… does this mean that we're in a… _relationship _now?"

Kanda's eyes widened and his head snapped around so that their eyes were locked again. The possibility had clearly not even crossed his mind.

Allen felt like he'd just been shot. He felt so insignificant.

Kanda opened his mouth to answer but nothing came out.

Now it was Allen who averted his gaze, eyes shamefully rained on the floor, feeling stupid for even daring to hope.

_(He'd probably thought that he'd given up by then. Kanda could probably never in a million years comprehend that Allen could still love him, almost a year later, after Kanda had so blatantly used him. He probably thought that the love he had for Kanda had died a long time ago, like it should have. He probably thought Allen was just in it for the sex as well. And now he probably thought that Allen was the most pathetic creature alive, for loving someone so… dickish)_

"Yeah, sorry, that was stupid of me, to just assume that you're suddenly interested in me. Sorry," Allen said stiffly.

He heard Kanda draw in a breath to say something but Allen beat him to the punch.

"No really, I understand. You're just in it for the sex; I shouldn't be so presumptuous just because you stay behind long enough for one shower. I know you don't care." The words flowed out of him and it felt much like someone rubbing gravel and sandpaper against the inside of his throat.

"I care," Kanda's voice suddenly said before Allen could continue with his tirade and Allen froze, muscles tensing.

Kanda's voice was strange. Emotional.

"I care." He said again, firmer than the last time.

Allen couldn't look at him. Knew he couldn't look at him. He might just burst into tears right there in front of him. How pathetic would that be?

But unfortunately Kanda's hand reached out and took a hold of Allen's chin, making him face Kanda. Allen closed his eyes, refusing to look at him, refusing to let him see him cry.

And then Kanda kissed him. Kanda often kissed him, every time they met, in fact. Needy, hungry, passionate kisses full of lust and involve gratuitous amounts of tongue. But this was the first time Kanda was kissing him like _this. _The kiss was in no way urgent like all the other had been, it was slow and drawn out, lips firmly pressed up against his, no licking or sucking or biting involved.

No lust. Just… _caring. _

The shock of the kiss, that amazing kiss that was all that Allen ever wanted, made him open his eyes in shock and what he got was an eyeful of Kanda's face. It was as if a dam had been broken, he sobbed against Kanda's lips and he drew back in surprise and Allen buried his face in Kanda's chest, shoulders shaking and tears sliding helplessly down his face.

For a second Kanda was frozen but then he hesitantly embraced Allen and the albino just cried harder.

"I care…" Kanda said softly, guilt nearly overwhelming him as he hugged Allen in the shower.

* * *

Y'know, I could probably have pulled this out so much I could have written a little multi-chapter fic about it, full of emotional turmoil and all that. Oh well, so what do you guys think?


	78. Insane

**Insane**

"So… how about that weather, huh?" Allen says in a desperate attempt to break the awkward silence.

He winces at this horrible, utterly horrible, icebreaker and Kanda shoots him a disbelieving look. Allen can't quite believe that he just said that either but it's too late now, the statement is out there and he has to plow through with it, drag it out and keep it running until someone besides him says something or else it'll just hang in the air and double the awkwardness and that is really the last thing they need.

"It's just so… weather-y?" he says, the statement sounding more like a question due to his doubt over whether or not 'weather-y' was an actual word.

Kanda looks at him like he's an idiot and Allen agrees wholeheartedly, he rarely is in agreement about anything when it comes to Kanda but this is an exception. Truly, he is a complete and utter moron. He wishes he could shut himself up but his mouth just won't close, he hopes that Kanda will punch him soon. Kanda has never had any patience for bullshit worthy of mention but Kanda looks rather interested his expression that of a person who is watching a horrible train wreck but just can't look away due to all of the morbid fascination. So, not much hope there. In other words it was all on Allen's shoulders, Allen and his mouth that could apparently only spew shit.

He looks frantically around for a conversation topic besides the obvious one and his eyes land on Kanda's window and he sees the sky outside. The sky is a cheery blue, the sun not quite at the peak of its crescent due to it being early morning, in fact, it was barely over the horizon. There were two or three clouds in his line of sight and the weather looked rather mild, comfortably warm with no wind and all that. Boring, in other words. Allen wished there was a vicious storm outside, if only so that he could talk about it. Allen wished that Kanda would contribute to the conversation. Allen wished a lot of things, things he couldn't and wouldn't get, like some kind of time machine for example, or maybe amnesia dust or whatever.

"I mean, just _look _at that sky. Have you ever… seen… such a… blue… sky…" Allen trailed of stupidly. He wanted to shoot himself.

Kanda was looking at him, awed at his sheer stupidity and lack of conversational skills.

"Why did I sleep with you again?" Kanda asks and they both wince simultaneously.

They were strangely in tune today. Maybe it had something to do with… recent events.

They had both winced because of Kanda's remark. No matter how painful or embarrassing it was to hear about Allen's simply awful attempt at small talk at least it had been avoiding the subject, namely, he and Kanda had slept with each other. Which was just… it hurt Allen's brain even trying to think about it.

He let out a little agonized sigh and flopped back onto the bed. They were in Kanda's room, in Kanda's bed, his single bed, Kanda's single bed that forced them to lie quite close to each other, their bodies pressed up against the other's, their naked bodies, covered only by… _soiled _(for lack of better word) sheets. Oh yeah, awkward to say the least.

It was such a headache. Yesterday things had been simple, he and Kanda were rivals that bickered and fought, but then Yesterday Allen and Yesterday Kanda apparently both came down with a bout of temporary insanity at the exact same time and decided that it would be a good idea to fuck like animals. Allen couldn't even remember what Yesterday him had been thinking, he only had some mortifyingly vivid memories of intense sex and thinking that Kanda looked so damn hot and he was just so damn in love with him. Where the hell had those thoughts sprung up from just like that? They hadn't even been drinking, neither of them had, they'd been completely sober. They'd just decided spontaneously that they loved each other and just _had_ to screw each other into Kanda's mattress. Personally Allen hated Yesterday Allen with a passion.

After a night of wild fucking the two had slept and then woken up and then retained their sanity and just stared at each other in horror for about ten minutes at what they had done. Shit. Fuck. _Crap. _This was bad. Very, very bad.

"Erm, about that…" Allen forced himself to say, they had to talk about it eventually anyways. It wasn't as if they could just _ignore _what had happened.

Allen was so close to Kanda that he could hear his pulse quicken and the ignoring the problem solution suddenly seemed oh so much more tempting. Anything looked more tempting than having this particular conversation.

Frankly, the sex had been awesome but the thought of doing sexual things with Kanda just weirded him out.

"That was wrong." Kanda said hastily. "We shouldn't have done that. We were stupid, insane, clearly delirious. Possibly possessed."

"Right," Allen said, nodding in agreement. Agreeing with Kanda just made the whole thing seem more surreal than it already did and when a little nagging voice told him to be insulted at what Kanda had just said it just got more surreal. What was he supposed to be offended about? There was nothing to be offended about, he was in complete and utter agreement with Kanda (the mere thought along sent a shiver down his spine). What, should he be insulted about Kanda not liking having sex with him? That he wasn't apparently desirable? Not good in bed? A vein throbbed in his forehead at the thought and Allen forced himself to stay silent, apparently the insanity hadn't quite passed through his body yet. There was nothing to be offended about. Nothing at all.

"Right," Allen said more firmly, more to convince himself than assure Kanda. "I mean it's not as if either of us _like_ each other, right? Right,"

Was it just him or did Kanda's eye twitch when Allen mentioned not liking each other? Probably just him.

"Right," Kanda agreed. his voice tight with suppressed anger, which it rarely was. Kanda never saw the need to suppress his anger, free spirit and all that.

_You don't like me?! _A hysterical inner voice cried out inside Allen's head and he shook it, hoping to rattle that stupid voice right out of his ear canal. Jesus. That was some lingering insanity.

"I mean, it's not like we're lovers or anything." Allen said reasonably.

"Right," Kanda said and now his voice was practically seething with anger. Kanda shook his head, as if some sort of hysterical voice had said something stupid inside his head. Hah. Yeah right.

"That sex meant nothing. It was a mistake." Kanda continued.

Something inside Allen snapped at those words. He was in complete and utter agreement with Kanda, it was a mistake, the sex meant nothing, it was all temporary insanities fault. But for some reason each time Kanda denied that there had been any deeper meaning to it, that it had _just _been sex, something inside Allen howled for blood.

Allen sprung up into a sitting position in Kanda's single bed, the single bed that they had been fucking in vigorously only a few hours ago, and the sheets pooled to his lap and Allen turned to Kanda so quickly he thought he heard his neck tendons creak. His upper lip peeled away from his teeth leaving him with a snarl and he _growled _down at Kanda. Kanda took this as his cue to let loose as well and sat up, a seething hateful glare on his face.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT WAS A MISTAKE?!" Allen roared without an ounce of sense left in his mind. "ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DIDN'T MEAN THAT YOU LOVED ME, YOU BASTARD?! HUH!? THAT YOU'RE A FUCKING LIAR!?"

"WHAT DO _YOU _MEAN THAT WE DON'T LIKE EACH OTHER!? I LIKE YOU! I FUCKING LIKE YOU _A LOT! _YOU DON'T LIKE ME!? YOU JUST USED ME!?" Kanda roared right back into Allen's red face, spittle flying from their mouths.

Somewhere in the deep recesses of Allen's mind there was a tiny, still sane part of his brain that noted that neither he or Kanda were making a whole lot of sense. They'd been in agreement just literally a few seconds ago that neither of them liked each other, that the sex had meant nothing. And now they were suddenly both acting like righteously enraged lovers in a heated argument, mad at something thoughtless the other had said. Allen promptly told that part of his brain to shut the fuck up and redirected his focus back on the important thing, being mad at Kanda.

How dare he belittle Allen's love for him!? (the love that had apparently popped into existence within the span of a few minutes but all right, no one ever said that love was supposed to make sense.) How _dare _he? (Never mind the fact that Allen had been doing the exact same thing only moments ago.)

"I DIDN'T USE YOU! I LIKE YOU!" Allen yelled.

"I LIKE YOU TOO!" Kanda yelled back, looking furious.

"GOOD!"

"GOOD!"

And at that they both nodded decisively and got out of bed. Allen put on his clothes and Kanda took of the sheets so that they could be washed later. Allen was about to walk out he door so that he could find his room and take a shower and change when Kanda walked over to him and pecked him on the mouth first, face and demeanor dead serious.

"Have a good day." Kanda said in his usual brusque voice.

"You too," Allen said with a nod, looking and sounding for all the world as if he were issuing orders to a Finder during a mission.

Kanda nodded and went back to pulling the sheets methodically off the bed.

It was only when Allen was halfway to his room that what had just happened sunk in and he slammed his head repeatedly into a nearby wall.

And that, ladies and gentleman, was how Allen Walker and Yuu Kanda became lovers. No, the rest of their relationship did most definitely _not _make any more sense than what had happened that morning did. But then again, don't they say that loves makes you crazy? Because if that's true then Allen Walker and Yuu Kanda had to be the two most in love people to ever grace the face of the planet. What I'm trying to say here is, there was going to be a whole lot of stilted talk about the weather and then heated shouting matches that ended in love confessions in the new couples near future.

And they lived happily ever after (kind of).


	79. Drunk

**Drunk**

There was a man that was… checking Allen out for lack of better word. He clearly was, there was no denying it. Kanda wondered how Allen couldn't have possibly noticed the pervert undressing him with his eyes yet. What was especially unnerving about this was the fact that Kanda wasn't just getting the feeling that the drunken slob was removing Allen clothes, he got the feeling that he was mentally _peeling Allen's skin off. _Take off the clothes, peel off the skin, and then proceed to gaze lustfully upon the young man's muscle tissue and guts and blood veins and all that other stuff.

Even though it was _Allen _the man was possibly contemplating murdering Kanda for some reason felt oddly furious in a distant detached sort of way. Was this the feeling serial killers had while killing their victims, slaughtering them brutally? Kanda got the feeling he could easily kill someone if he felt like this while doing so. He wanted to kill this man, or at least mercilessly beat him to a pulp, and he felt he could do so to next to no qualms about it.

The drunk's bloodshot, watery eyes moved up and down Allen's frame, the albino oblivious as he sipped at his beer and laughed at some stupid joke Lavi cracked. Kanda could feel a vein in his forehead throb.

It was Allen's birthday so Lavi and Lenalee had decided to celebrate by dragging Allen to a bar, Kanda as well, for some reason. It was a pretty okay place as far as bars went, no vermin in sight (aside from the bastard ogling Allen's backside), surprisingly good lighting, not too loud and crowded and decent alcohol for decent prices. Kanda might have actually enjoyed himself to some extent if it weren't for aforementioned vermin.

None of them were drunk, well; Lavi looked a bit tipsy, but so what? Allen was still on his first beer in fact. Kanda considered the possibility of purposefully getting shitfaced before shaking his head at himself, there was no reason to humiliate himself in front of the people that insisted to spend most of their time with him, and there certainly wasn't any reason to impair his hand eye coordination if he were to, say, happen to need it to break a pervert's nose in the near future. Just in case. With this thought in mind Kanda, instead of trying to see just how many shots he could consume before losing his ability to see colors, went back to not-so-subtly glaring at the drunk that was _still _eyeing Allen.

Kanda observed the drunk. Middle-aged, beer belly, comb over, wife-beater, drunk out of his friggin' skull, and a big pervy grin to go along with his rather obvious boner, his eyes glued to Allen.

Kanda observed Allen. Young and happy, in good shape, bright white hair washed and combed for the occasion, wearing a crisp white button up shirt and blue jeans, sober and levelheaded, and a surprised laugh bursting out of him at Lavi's punch line, sounding like the ringing of bells, and smelling oddly of new fallen snow and peaches. Wait. Why did he just note how Allen smelled? Why was he even smelling Allen in the first place? Kanda looked down at his beer bottle and wondered if he'd somehow magically gotten drunk off of two mouthfuls of weak, cheap alcohol. He shrugged the train of thought off and took another sip, concentrating on hating the leering drunk with every iota of his being yet not walk across the room and slam his beer bottle into the back of his skull in the process.

Some distant small part of him wondered why the hell he was so pissed. The guy was just _watching. _It wasn't as if he were tucking a five dollar bill into the waist of Allen's pants while telling him to either get dancing or get down on his knees. It wasn't as if he cared about Allen or his wellbeing or image.

"… but then she told me that she was talking about her cat!" Lavi finished his joke and Lenalee giggled.

Allen smiled and ordered another round of beers, much to Lavi's and Lenalee's protest.

"Oh, but it's your birthday Allen! Let us pay, at least for our own drinks." Lenalee said.

"Yeah man, this is your day. Your wallet is safe for the next twenty four hours." Lavi said.

Allen laughed lightheartedly and told them that he'd recently gotten a raise at his part-time hob so it was okay, really. Kanda didn't really care much; he was too busy hating the drunk.

Allen leaned across the table to get his bottle that the waitress had oh so helpfully placed as far away from Allen as possible while still keeping it on the table. The man licked his lips at the sight and Kanda nearly growled, the vein almost popping in his forehead. How dare he! A possessive sort of jealousy was rushing through his veins now and he felt a dreaded headache closing in on him.

Kanda should start a bar fight. He should get right up and beat that useless piece of shit to within an inch of his life and make him beg for mercy that he would not give. He should get all four of them thrown out of the bar, evicted for life; possibly break some stuff besides the man's bones. It had been an annoyingly long time since he'd last been given another man's hospital bill in the mail along with a lawsuit and a restraining order.

But then he thought about how the other's would demand to know why Kanda had beaten the crap out of the drunkard and then he'd have to explain how the man had been undressing Allen with his eyes and that simply wasn't acceptable and then they would want to know why that wasn't acceptable and Kanda didn't have an answer to that question and if there was one thing Kanda hated more than not knowing something it was somebody else knowing that he didn't know something.

He directed the filthiest, most hateful glare he could muster at the creepo and turned bitterly back to his beer. Worst. Bar. Ever.

He was gripping his bottle so tightly that little cracks were actually spreading out along the bottle like spider webs. He forcibly loosened his grip and squared his jaw, trying his best to calm the hell down. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, alcohol, musk, perfume and cologne and salty peanuts hitting his nostrils like a hammer to the face. But then another scent hit him as well. New fallen snow and ripe peaches… Kanda's shoulders loosened and his posture slumped a bit as he calmed down unconsciously at the relaxing scent.

He opened his eyes as Allen's laugh changed a bit, became a little bit more boisterous, a little bit louder. He opened his eyes to see that he had kept them closed for an indefinite amount of time, the people a little scarcer, the lighting a little dimmer, and the people a whole lot drunker. He looked at Allen, sitting next to him, and saw the new beer bottle, a bright flush on his cheeks, combed hair now a little bit ruffled up, eyes a bit glazed and voice a little bit slurred as he talked. He looked at his other two friends. Lenalee was so drunk it was a wonder she wasn't unconscious yet, and Lavi was just plain unconscious.

Wow… that smell thing really took him to some Zen-like places if he managed to meditate for at least a couple of hours without even noticing, without even trying. That was actually kind of frightening. Well, whatever.

Kanda looked at his drunken friends and decided it was time to call it a day. He waved over the waitress and paid their bills, slinging Lavi thoughtlessly over his shoulder while simultaneously calling a taxi. His two other friends trailed after him slightly confused in their drunken haze but nonetheless dutifully playing follow the leader.

The taxi eventually arrived and they got inside, Kanda throwing Lavi onto Lenalee. She yelped in protest but he just rolled his eyes. Whatever. As if it wasn't obvious that they wanted to bone. Allen squeezed into the taxi right after he got in, resulting in him getting uncomfortably squished in between the car door and Kanda.

He gave the taxi driver instructions along with the appropriate amount of money and off they went, leaving first Lenalee to shamble clumsily up her driveway, and then Lavi passed out on his lawn where he would eventually be woken up by the sprinklers at the light of dawn with a hangover from hell.

Despite the fact that there was enough room for the two of them to spread out in the taxi now Allen's body was still pressed up against his. Allen seemed to be half asleep in fact, eyes half-closed and glazed over as he nuzzled thoughtlessly into Kanda's collar bone. His soft white hair was pressed into his face and before he could stop himself he closed his eyes and inhaled, the smell of fresh snow and ripe peaches stronger than ever. Kanda shook his head to rid the cobwebs of irrationality away. He reprimanded himself. He was the sober one dammit, he had no excuse. He shouldn't be putting up with this. He looked down at Allen, practically sitting in his lap, clutching to him much like how a child with a nightmare would to a teddy bear, and he found himself unable and unwilling to push the bean sprout off of him. Kanda huffed and crossed his arms and Allen continued clinging to him the entire way home.

The taxi driver stopped at Kanda's house and he thanked the man and tried to pry Allen's fingers off of him. Jesus. It was like trying to pry a rusty bear trap off of your foot, he just simply would not give up. The taxi driver coughed impatiently and Kanda looked down at Allen who refused to let go of him, face red and breath stinking of alcohol. He sighed and rolled his eyes and gave up.

And that's how Allen ended up sleeping on Kanda's couch for the night. Kanda dragged him up the driveway and into his apartment and turned the lights on and before he could literally throw Allen onto the floor he made this pathetically cute mewling sound and it was as if all of Kanda's muscles froze and now for some reason he was unable to force his body to throw Allen onto the floor. Witchcraft may or may not be involved.

Instead Kanda gently led Allen to the couch and threw a blanket over him. He then proceeded to walk into his bedroom and collapse onto his bed after taking only his shirt off.

When Allen woke up in the morning in Kanda's apartment with a hangover, unable to remember what he had done last night he immediately and unfortunately drew some conclusions that proved that he really wasn't as innocent as Kanda would like to think. Wacky hijinks and sexual tension ensued.


	80. Score

**Score**

The pavement was slick with rain, there was a stitch in his side that was _killing _him, and it almost felt like someone was squeezing his lungs in their fist. It was hard to breathe and he was panting. His pounding footsteps, his frantic heartbeat, the blood rushing in his ears, and the freezing rain cascading down on the ground all joined in to create some odd frenzied sort of chorus which was strangely hypnotic.

His white hair kept getting in front of his eyes and he had to keep on swiping at it so that he could see. How long had he been running? No more than ten minutes surely, he'd sure gotten out of shape recently. The last time he could remember running so fast with so much need and gusto was when he and Cross had been fleeing from his debt collectors. Though obviously this situation wasn't quite as panic-inducing seeing as there weren't about five men with guns and Boston accents who were very, very angry at him and his Master running after him, but still.

He had to catch the train. He had to. If he couldn't he would be late for his third job and he'd been late to his third job before, often. He was on thin ice with his boss, he knew, and he could _not _give the man reason to fire him. He needed that third job, he needed that pay check, it was his food pay check. How was he going to live without his food pay check?! He supposed he could use the Masters Debts Pay Check for food just this once but… Allen shivered at the memory of the huge slasher smile the bloodthirsty debt shark had given him, the one that had visited him yesterday to oh so kindly remind him that pay day was approaching…

And he couldn't use the Bill Pay Check either; he was also on thin ice with his land lady. He couldn't be evicted, he wouldn't survive the streets. Not again.

He panted desperately for air and forced himself to run faster.

He ran up the stairs hurriedly, the gleaming side of the train reminding him of the halo of an angel, the rapidly closing doors the doors of Hell. He gave a panicked shout and reached out a hand as he ran. He wasn't going to make it, it was too far away. Oh God, he was either going to get evicted or beaten or starve because his boss was sure as all Hell going to fire him and _fuck. _

The doors were just about to close but then- a foot. A left foot clad in an old Nike jammed its way into the door, stopping them from closing. The doors stuttered and drew back a little bit and Allen burst through, the suffocating, oppressive sensation of being jammed into a small metal tube full of strangers like human sardines never having felt so reassuring.

Allen looked behind him at the foot retreating from the doors that were now closing. His silver eyes trailed up a jean clad leg, up a torso swathed in a great big hoodie and landed on the face of his savior. It was a man, his hair long and silky looking and his face sort of androgynous in a beautiful kind of way. Rough and elegant at the same time, a walking oxymoron in the flesh. His mouth went a little bit dry when those dark eyes met his, cold yet not cruel, and he was met with not a smile but an impersonal nod. Fitting seeing as they were both strangers, one having merely decided on a whim to grant the other a favor.

"Thank you," Allen said breathlessly, still exhausted from his mad sprint and close call.

This time the left corner of the man's mouth twitched a bit upwards in an almost smirk, but a good-natured one, and Allen's stomach did a loopy sort of flip. Allen returned the man's smirk thing or whatever it was with a grateful smile and the man nodded again and then turned away.

Oh thank God. He'd made it. He wasn't going to get thrown out into the streets or end up eating trash until he found a new job, or sleep with the fishes. Thank God.

The man had turned away from him now, but not quite. Allen could see half of his face and Allen discretely gave it a once over, knowing that the man wouldn't notice. He was far away in Lala land, waiting for the train to arrive at his stop.

What a nice man, helping him like that. Though it didn't necessarily mean that he was a saint or anything, just that he was at least a decent person capable of the occasional kind act if he felt like it. Still, Allen owed him. He was actually very handsome, very… pretty. Long eyelashes, bangs framing his face nicely, almond eyes, an odd natural blueish sheen to his hair tied up in a neat ponytail, high cheek bones, perfect skin, and… lips… Oh dear God did those lips look kissable.

Allen flushed crimson at his thoughts and hurriedly looked away, embarrassed at what he was thinking about. Honestly, a handsome guy does _one _nice thing for him and he starts fantasizing on the spot! He should be ashamed. It wasn't as if the other man would be interested or anything anyways.

Allen focused instead on a window, watching the scenery blurring by, the city and sky mixing into one great grey smear flying by. The gears in his head slowly grinded to a halt as his mind went to a completely other place. And before he knew it there was a static voice crying out from he ceiling in monotone that it was his stop now. Allen struggled through the throngs of people towards freedom but before he flung himself out of the train he looked around quickly, wanting just one last glimpse of the man. Unfortunately he wasn't there; his stop must have been before Allen's.

Allen, slightly disappointed got out of the train, jamming his hands into his pockets. His right hand felt a piece of paper in his pocket that certainly hadn't been there before and he curiously pulled it out. Scrawled on the piece of paper was a number followed by: _My number, from Long Hair Guy. Call me._

Allen felt his stomach do that loopy flip again and his mouth break out into a big uncontrollable smile. Score.


	81. Kiss

**Kiss**

"Allen," Kanda said.

Allen looked up at him from the text book he'd been reading curiously.

"Yes Kanda?"

Kanda licked his lips nervously, horribly conscious of all of the other people in the cafeteria. He scooted closer to Allen on the bench, breaching Allen's personal space.

"Tilt your head." He said, his voice coming out huskier than he would have liked, his cheeks already a flaming red even though he hadn't done anything yet.

It wasn't too late, he could still pull back, stop before it was too late. But Alma was there damn it, giving him an encouraging thumbs up across the table. As if he could go back on his word in front of his long time best friend. Alma had a slightly skewed idea of helping his friends, for example, he regularly used black mail to make his friends do things that he meant would benefit them in the long run but in the short term made them hate life. Kanda knew there would come nothing good of getting so close to someone, Alma had so much black mail on him he could make him assassinate the president.

Allen blinked up at him with confusion, clueless doe eyes making his blush intensify. God… when he was done with this he was going to kill himself. Or maybe just Alma. Yes, that sounded like a good idea.

But Allen did as Kanda said, tilting his head like a confused puppy. His rose petal mouth opened to probably ask a question, like for example why was Kanda so close? Why was he blushing? Why was Alma looking on in unabashed anticipation? And why did he have to tilt his head? Kanda would never know what the question would have been though as he just then decided to get it over with it and kiss him.

This wasn't his first kiss, his first having been a drunken, half remembered, sloppy make out with Alma that the both of them had decided to just forget completely about when they sobered up two years ago when Alma finally got the hang of lock picking and decided to try out his skills at Kanda's adoptive father's liquor cabinet. It was a mistake and something he rather wished hadn't happened so he instead tried and to focus on this epically embarrassing moment. He could die on the spot.

Kanda rushed ahead, practically shoving his face against Allen's. No skill or experience involved at all. But despite the fact that their teeth clacked painfully and Allen let out a surprised "Oomph!" it was actually quite nice. He'd never been this close to Allen before and he smelled like snow on a crisp winter morning and ripe peaches on a comfortably warm summer day, an odd mixture but pleasantly so. Allen's lips tasted sweet and Kanda hung on, gently pressing his lips against Allen's for the required five seconds that Alma had demanded and then he broke off the kiss.

He hurriedly looked around to see only a few people staring, as opposed to his horrible fantasies of the entire cafeteria staring in openmouthed horror. His face felt like it was on fire, his head dizzy, his heart beat going a mile a minute and the sweet aftertaste of Allen's lips lingered.

Allen was looking at him slack jawed; his doe-like eyes wide open in shock. The tip of his ears and the back of his neck, along with the majority of his insanely pretty face was bright red.

"What." Allen said in a blank voice.

Kanda winced.

"See? I _told _you Yuu liked you back!" Alma informed Allen triumphantly, sitting across from him.

Kanda's head whipped in his so called best friend's direction so fast he could have sworn he'd heard his neck tendons creak.

"What." Kanda echoed Allen.

The implications of Alma's statement whirled through his mind like an unforgiving hurricane.

Alma rubbed the back of his head sheepishly and he chuckled nervously, but Kanda could tell that Alma wasn't apologetic in the slightest.

"Ha ha, yeah, I _kind of _set the two of you up. But let's think about this for a second, guys. What matters is that the two of you are in mutual love thanks to my manipulating, not my manipulating. The ends justify the means, eh?" Alma said.

Kanda's eye twitched as the full implications of what Alma had actually done sunk in. That manipulative bastard. He slowly turned around in his seat so that he was facing Allen again, Allen doing the exact same thing, the red gone from both of their faces.

"You thinking what I'm thinking?" Kanda said with a tone of voice that sent chills down Alma's back.

Allen looked him solemnly in the eyes and nodded.

They both stood up from the table.

"Aw, are you lover boys gonna go and get yourself a bit of privacy? I understand! You guys go and have fun and- what are you doing with that stun gun, Allen? Actually since when did you even _have _a stun gun? H-hey g-guys! Let's not do something we'll regret later, all right? All right? Kanda why are you holding me down? A-Allen! Did I ever tell you what a great guy you aAAAHHHRRRGGG!

* * *

I've just been looking for an excuse to include Alma in one of my drabbles without making it angsty for awhile. I hope you guys liked it!


	82. Tired

**Tired**

Dirt smudged his pale skin, his white hair, made his silver eyes stand out like two sparkling jewels. His breathing was harsh and forced, his chest puffing up and down desperately, he was clearly exhausted. Dried blood crusted his torn clothes in addition to dirt and ashes and plaster from the destroyed buildings.

"There's two more, thirty meters West from our position, hiding in an alley." He said, mechanical monocle spinning, cursed eye red and active.

Kanda nodded and shifted his grip on his sword, wiping his hand across his brow, a layer of cold sweat covered his body. They both sprang out of their hiding place and sprinted, ducking low just in case. A Finder ran after them, breathing strained and pupils mere pinpricks in two seas of leaf green. Kanda couldn't recall the Finder's name but he had been stabbed earlier on in the fight, blood dribbling out of the serious wound even then, even as the Finder was desperately pressing down on it with his left hand. They all knew no matter what happened that he was going to die, going to bleed out, but none of them acknowledged it and the Finder ignored it with feverous desperation.

Kanda would have felt sorry for him if he wasn't so busy fighting for his own life.

The formerly prosperous village was now merely a smoking ruin, corpses and Akuma dust littering the streets, puddles of blood everywhere, faint screams resounding in the air, ashes falling from the sky like snow. They had been fighting for hours.

They burst into an alley and there they were, a seemingly harmless duo of a sweet scared old nun hugging a teary eyed blond girl. Hah. They thought they could fool them, not with Allen there that was for sure. The duo looked up at them, feigning pleading looks.

The nun opened her mouth, perhaps to ask them for help. But before the Akuma could even get a word past her wrinkled, stolen lips a huge monstrous white hand slammed into her face, demolishing her head and ripping of her torso in the process. The little girl, knowing that the jig was up, stopped hugging the now corpse and leaped into the air towards the Finder, face melting as she flew through the air to reveal a nightmare-inducing bug-like face with acid dripping from the mouth. Kanda's sword went out into a fluid arc to decapitate the Akuma before she'd even managed to fully abandon her innocent disguise. The disgusting head rolled clean off to bounce on the rubble strewn ground.

The Finder briefly gave up in fruitlessly trying to stop his fatal wound form bleeding to press his bloody hand over his mouth, his face quickly going green. Hmm, a newbie, what a pity. The wound now without anything holding it down spurted out a ridiculous amount of blood and the Finder yelped, stumbled, fell. Right into the fresh pile of Akuma dust that had been trying to pass of as a nun just moments before. Ouch.

The Finder let out a long horrified scream that reminded him of a shrieking teakettle as he spotted the pentacles bursting forth on his skin. He looked on in pity as the man died.

He looked up at Allen who touched his chest and forehead, making the formation of the cross as he muttered a prayer for the now dead Finder under his breath. The softie probably even remembered his name.

Kanda looked back down and took a discreet step away from the lethal pile of dust.

And then Allen's monocle was whirring again.

"One more, level three, fighting Lenalee back over where we just where." And it all started over again.

Allen started running immediately and Kanda followed, boots splashing into puddles of blood, wind blowing ashes into his eyes, and he just couldn't help feeling so Goddamn _tired. _

He just wanted for the war to be over already.

* * *

Fairly short, nothing new or exciting, just yet another battle chapter. Before I get any flames blaming me of being boring or repetetive I'd just like to say that the entire reason I even started this fic was so that I could improve my writing skills (note the improvements of my first chaoter to this one. You've gotta admit it's a little bit better written) not entertain the masses, though it sure is a good feeling to know that so many people enjoy my writing in the process of getting better. Just look at this as a little look at what the everyday for an Exorcist is like, blood and guts and stuff.


	83. Responsibility

**Responsibility**

He would not turn around. Wouldn't, couldn't, refused to. He refused to see, to hear, to smell, to let the hot wind smelling of ashes and death waft against his face as he took in the despair and misery that he had _failed _to prevent. If he did he knew he wouldn't be able to take it, the guilt would consume him and he'd be left curled up in a little ball on the ground as he sobbed.

Allen wasn't very good with guilt, which was very bad since he felt it so often. He had so many responsibilities weighing down on his shoulder that is sometimes felt like he couldn't take a single more step no matter how hard he tried (but he ahd to keep on walking, for Mana's sake). He had Innocence, he was one of the few people in the world that could actually help put those poor Akuma's out of their misery, one of the few that could fight the Noah, save humanity. It was an awful burden to place on someone so young, but he had been giving it and that was that. No two ways around it.

He had fought hard, valiantly, with all his might, adrenaline and desperation and pity coursing through his veins as he killed and smashed and fought, just like he did every single time. But there were always losses, always. No matter how hard he tried, no matter how valiantly he fought, no matter how desperate or pitying he was it was never enough. There would always be losses. Someone would always die. Sometimes it would be a fellow Exorcist, sometimes a Finder, sometimes some victims or innocent bystanders, and sometimes… sometimes an entire village would fall.

A breeze blew, ruffling his hair so that he could see white strands in the corner of his vision. Ashes flew from behind him, ruining the peaceful illusion that was the perfect flower meadow in front of him. His vision blurred and he swallowed thickly, crossing his arms and trying to ignore the smell (that awful, horrid smell of burnt buildings and flesh and drying blood and gunpowder). Allen took a shuddering breath.

He would not turn around.

There were always losses. Sometimes even an entire village would be lost in the fray. Sometimes the fire would be too large and untamable to fight, sometimes the Akuma too many in number to completely prevent, the screaming panicking villagers too scared to subdue and evacuate.

It was over now, all the Akuma dead, all the screaming gone, barely any smoke left rising from the ruins. An entire village… the local baker would never make another loaf, the children never skin another knee, the wives and husbands never bicker fondly or kiss, the minister never make another sermon. An entire village full of people just… just _gone. _

It wasn't the first time. But it didn't hurt any less than. It never did.

His eyes stung, his breathing was uneven, there was a lump in his throat, a headache was pounding away inside his skull. If he looked, he wouldn't be able to take it.

He felt a small dainty hand fall on his shoulder, Lenalee's.

"Come on, Allen. It's time to go." Her voice was small and subdued, sad.

He gave a jerky nod and turned and followed her footsteps. Allen kept his eyes on the ground, making sure not to look at it, the testament to his failure, the graveyard for over a hundred people that he had failed to save when he could have.

He refused.

It felt like there were chains attached at his ankles, chains with huge cement blocks at the end of them, dragging his teps and slowing him down, making this whole thing more painful than it already was.

_You're going to have to look, Allen. _

That voice, that damned voice that reminded him so of Mana. Its tone was gentle yet chiding.

Allen's knotted his hands up into tight fists, gritting his teeth and squeezing his eyes shut, long, dragging footsteps still following after Lenalee, the smell of death and personal failure still there.

No. No he did not have to look. He wouldn't, couldn't, refused to.

_You can. _

No. No he could_ not. _

_Yes, you can. And you have to. You know it. You owe it to these people, Allen. You owe it to these causalities of war, these innocent people that used to have lives and family and love before it all got torn away by a battle they had nothing to do with. You owe it to them to at least just _look. _You can't ignore this, Allen._

Why? Why did this voice have to sound so much like Mana? Why did it have to sound so reasonable? So kind? So firm?

He was shaking now. He couldn't even see his feet anymore as he stared at the ground. He didn't want to look. If he looked the tears would fall, he would break, he would cry and wail and it would all be so, so true.

_You have a responsibility, Allen. It is not fair nor are you deserving of it. But you have it, this burden, and you have to carry it. If you won't look and feel all the people's pain, feel their loss and feel their death, then who will? All the others, they look, they shed tears, but they do not take it all in. Just like you they refuse. But someone has to do it. These peoples death _mean _something and someone must acknowledge that. If not you, then who?_

Hot tears quietly spilled down his face and Allen stopped following Lenalee. He raised his head and wiped his tears, blinked them out and cleared his vision so that he could _see. _He owed it to them. If he wasn't going to do it then who would? He could have fought harder, more valiantly, more desperately, but he hadn't and these innocent people had paid the price. He had to look, even if it was going to break him.

Lenalee didn't notice at first when he stopped following her but a few meters away she stopped and looked behind her at Allen with curiosity dulled by this recent tragedy. She was sad, but she was not despairing. Allen had to feel their loss as if he had lost someone dear and close to him, Lenalee felt their loss but not the way she would have felt it if it were Komui. Only Allen could do this.

"Just give me a moment." He whispered softly, he couldn't get anything much louder out of his mouth what with that horrible lump still in his throat.

Lenalee said nothing for a second before she just nodded and walked on. Allen took a deep shuddering breath.

He turned around.

And there it was, the destroyed village in all its smashed cobblestone glory. The buildings still smoking faintly, drying blood everywhere, rubble and debris littering the ruined streets, houses smashed, stores burned to cinders. There were corpses everywhere, littering the streets like fallen leaves, like deadfall.

He broke.

He fell to his knees and gave a huge unashamed sob, the type children made when they were hurt and scared. The pain… the loss… it hurt _so much. _

There were piles of Akuma dust everywhere, some of them were probably just regular human beings who'd had a chance at survival but had suffered the lethal touch of the Akuma, pentacles blooming on their skin as they stared on baffled, ignorant and unknowing of what was going on and then _poof! _Just dust left.

The bodies… there were children, there were elderly, nuns, teenagers, mothers, fathers, men and women strewn across the streets alike. Gutted and burned and cut. Blood and soot on their skin, white bone peaking out of their flesh shyly, eyes opened and glazed over in an eternal look of frozen panic and fear.

All dead… he could have saved them, if he had just fought harder, more valiantly, more desperately. He _could have _saved them. He could have helped, could have protected them, evacuated, killed their murderers. He could have, could have, could have. But it was too late. He had tried his best and it wasn't enough, just like all the other times. There were always losses.

This responsibility, this burden, this _guilt. _How he hated it, _loathed _it. he wished he didn't have it, but no matter how hard he wished it would never go away. And if it went away who would receive it? Who's life would he destroy out of pure selfishness? If not him, then who would do this? Who would cry hysterically for them, mourn and grieve for them as if the entire village, every single one of them were his sibling, his parent, his lover, his closest friend. Who? No one. No one deserved to not be mourned.

He stayed that way for hours, pounding the ground with his fists until they bled, sobbing and crying out until he was so tired he could barely keep himself awake. Eventually Lavi came and dragged him away, used to same the old spectacle as every other time. It was just sensitive little Allen freaking out again. His shoulders shook the entire train ride back and Kanda did not utter a single word of scorn.

Allen always ended up turning around, always ended up looking.

If not him, then who?


	84. Laugh

**Laugh**

Laughter burst forth like a bubbly stream. Allen had a great laugh, clear and chiming like a bell. Wait. No. What the Hell was that?

Kanda glared at Allen who was in fact sitting at the opposite end of the classroom from him, laughing at something Lavi had said. Jesus, if he found something the rabbit said that hilarious he clearly had no sense of humor. Though he still had a great laugh. _Shut up, _Kanda told himself. Shut the Hell up, the Bean Sprout did _not _have a great laugh, or pretty eyes, or a nice voice, or-

Kanda growled in frustration and opened his textbook, glaring down at it as if it were the source of all of his problems. He started reading and after about ten minutes he was actually beginning to get a little bit absorbed by what he was reading until – a chuckle. Kanda grit his teeth. This was ridiculous! The bastard was all the way on the _other side of the room. _There were at least twenty people between them, twenty _loud _people. Yet every single little laugh, chuckle, giggle, Kanda heard each and every one them like they were a peal of thunder.

He didn't know why but for some reason he was stupidly aware of Allen, his each and every movement so – so _obvious. _It was like his brain was telling the rest of his body that it was vitally important that he didn't miss a single thing Allen did. It was really freaking annoying.

What was so interesting about the shortie anyways? Sure, he had a weird pentacle scar on his face, sure, he was an albino, and sure, he never talked about his family. So what? So what if he never took of his gloves? Kanda couldn't care less. Honestly. And so what if had the nicest laugh Kanda had ever heard? And so what if he sang softly under his breath like an angel when he thought nobody was listening? And so what if he had the personality of a saint? Patience unmatched by anyone, kindness in abundance for everyone and everything, mercy and forgiveness and understanding, so what if he had all of that in spades were others had selfishness, vanity and jealousy? Like he cared.

Except he did care, because otherwise why would he have noticed all of that? If Kanda didn't care he wouldn't have even bothered to remember his name, much less the date of his birthday, his favorite food and color, the fact that he always tucked his pencil behind his ear during class and then forgot about it, puzzling over where the heck all of his pencils were disappearing to when he had it stashed right behind his ear, standing horribly out against the shock of white that was his hair. And what was he doing watching Allen during class anyways? Agh! It was so frustrating! So confusing!

He glared so hard at the pages of his textbook that some part of him was mildly surprised at the fact that the paper hadn't burst into flames yet.

Another fit of laughter – _cute, adorable, angelic –_ and Kanda hissed at himself, at the fact that _somehow _he had heard him across the room. It wasn't supposed to possible. It was so Goddamned annoying!

Finally the teacher arrived and class begun and not a single squeak came from Allen's desk, dutiful student he was. Kanda threw himself into the schoolwork, focusing with all his might at the numbers, not the fact that Allen was nibbling at the nub of the eraser on the end of his pencil _again. _He always did that, the thoughtless bastard. He didn't stop and think for a single moment that this might be disturbing his fellow students, might be diverting their attention from what they were supposed to be doing as their gazes were trapped by what his lips were doing… Damn it he was staring again!

How could one lone person be so – so _frustrating, _so _annoying, _so Goddamn freaking _perfect!?_

Wait. No. That came out wrong. He didn't mean to think that. Allen was not in any sense of the word perfect. He always wore a smile, even when he had to fake it, which Kanda hated. He was too sentimental. He cried easily. He… Kanda couldn't come up with more at the time but he was certain that the Bean Sprout had far more flaws that just that. Certain.

The bell rung and the students went into a flurry of packing and chattering as they flung their books into their bags. Kanda sighed and packed his bag and got out of his seat, eager to get home already so he could continue not thinking about Allen. He walked out of the door and bumped into someone.

"Oh, terribly sorry." Said an all too familiar voice tinged with a British accent. Crap.

Kanda turned and looked down at the shorter teen, silver eyes pinning him down, sincere apologetic smile firmly on his pretty face. Doubly crap.

Kanda cleared his voice. And then since that didn't seem to be enough he cleared it again.

"You…" Kanda began, unknowing of what he was going to say.

"I…" Allen prompted politely, blinking up at him all doe-like and shit.

Kanda reached towards Allen with his hand, breaching personal space before he could bring himself to stop. Holy shit no, this was like a nightmare. He was fully aware of what was going on but couldn't control his body. What embarrassing crap was he going to do now? Caress his face like a creep? Yank his hair like a schoolboy with a crush on the girl sitting next to him?

But instead he reached out and casually plucked a yellow number two pencil from behind his ear, the back if his hand brushing against snow white hair as soft as silk.

"Your pencil." Kanda said and showed it to him.

Allen blushed. _Blushed. _Like, he honestly went bright red in the face. Wow. Kanda hadn't actually ever seen someone blush before. Wow. _Cute. _

"Thanks," he said with an embarrassed smile.

He took the pencil from Kanda and threw him a last smile over his shoulder as he exited the classroom.

"My names Allen by the way."

"Kanda…" Kanda replied, his mouth suddenly feeling very dry indeed.

And then he was gone and Kanda was left standing alone in the classroom like an idiot, his classmates long since gone. Kanda oddly felt like laughing.

* * *

My God, it has taken me _ages _to update. My sincere apologies, but I have discovered something new, something confounding, something earth-shattering. I... apparently can't write while sick. Huh. Who'd have thunk? Well, I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, especially so seeing as I've left you hanging for four days straight.


	85. Persuasive

**Persuasive**

Kanda emitted a feral sounding growl and lunged. Startled, breathless laughter burst out of Allen as he was tackled to the floor, the sudden movement disorienting him for a moment as the world shifted around him abruptly. Kanda took the brunt of the fall, arms wrapped tightly around the albino as he nuzzled his prizes hair.

"Holy shit guys, get a room." Came Lavi's amused voice from the doorway leading to the living room.

Allen blushed a bright red and started squirming a bit harder in Kanda's firm grip. Kanda growled possessively again and glared up at Lavi, refusing to let go.

"We are in one. We were here first. You get out." He hissed.

"Ah, Kanda…" Allen said in embarrassed protest.

Oh, why did Kanda have to get like this when they had visitors over? It just wasn't polite to have your way with your spouse when you're playing host for some friends. On the living room floor at that.

"Well, your logic is sound. I admit my defeat! You two lover boys have fun, all right. I'll inform the rest of the gang about the situation, I'm sure they'll understand." Lavi snickered.

Alarm welled up in Allen.

"Wait what?" he yelped. Oh crap. No. No, no, no, no. He would _not _allow _that _to happen. Not in a million years, no matter how amazing the sex promised to be.

He struggled against Kanda's stubborn hold.

"No, don't listen to him. He's trying to psyche you out." Kanda argued, still refusing to let go of him.

Kanda's argument, while not a reasonable one and clearly just a flimsy excuse to get sex, was oddly persuasive. That had probably something to do with the fact that he was currently being smothered by a sexy hunk who was demanding intercourse. Damn his hormones, almost a decade since puberty and they were still raging strong. Obviously Kanda was using some sort of subtle mind control on him using his long flower scented hair that was felt awesome when you roved your fingers through it as he fucked your brains out. Damn him to the deepest circle of Hell.

"Shut up, Kanda! We can have sex later, when our friends aren't drinking coffee in our kitchen." Allen said reasonably as he continued to struggle.

Kanda meanwhile had started unbuttoning Allen's shirt while simultaneously holding him down. While this did give Allen more opportunities to break free of the hold it also flustered him, mostly because their friend as still standing at the threshold of the room.

"I'll be going then." Lavi chirped pleasantly with a little wave.

"No! Wait!" Allen cried, desperate to delay Lavi until he escaped so that the bastard wouldn't go ahead and inform the rest of exactly what was going on. And anyways, as long as Lavi was there he was sure Kanda wouldn't go all the way, right? It said something about Kanda that Allen wasn't quite sure.

Lavi halted his movements.

"No! Go away!" Kanda said through clenched teeth as he finished unbuttoning the last button on Allen's shirt, immediately moving to unzip his own pants. Oh God, this was really going to happen. Damn his husbands sudden unpredictable fits of arousal!

Lavi continued walking again.

"Don't you dare take another step, Lavi! Get your ass back here!" Allen cried as Kanda untied his hair, his brilliant, wonderful, intoxicating hair.

Lavi's footsteps stopped again.

"Go!"

One more footstep.

"Halt!"

Silence.

"Piss off!"

Another footstep.

"Stop!"

More silence.

"Get away from here!"

Footstep.

"Seize all movement!"

More silence.

"JUST GET BACK TO THE FUCKING KITCHEN YOU STUPID RABBIT!"

A rapid pattering of footsteps that quickly faded out of hearing range. Damn. Allen dimly thought that he heard a bitter mutter of, "I feel like an abused housewife…" before the steps faded away but that was probably just his imagination.

Allen turned his attention back to the problem at hand, his bastard of a husband.

"Kanda," he frowned.

"Allen," Kanda said in a tone so radically different from both the one he normally used and the one Allen just had that he was thrown for a loop for a moment.

"Not with our friends only less than a minutes' walk away, Kanda." He said with everlasting patience.

"But the rabbit will inform them. There is no danger of being walked in on. I'll be quiet if you want."

Allen's face felt very, very hot and now something a little lower south was starting to feel a bit hot as well. Curses! The brainwashing was succeeding!

"It's the principle of the thing, Kanda." He protested weakly.

Kanda just gave him an odd look like he was the crazy one. And then in one fluid movement he pulled down his pants to his ankles. It actually took Allen a little while to notice, he was that amazing. He could literally take off Allen's pants without him noticing. That was more of a turn on than Allen would like to admit.

Allen was about to argue some more and possibly pull his pants back up if Kanda lost attention long enough but then Kanda decided to employ his best solution to shut Allen the Hell up.

"Oomph!"

And now suddenly he was hopelessly trapped in a feverishly hot kiss, tongue and all, and Allen saw his chance of getting out of the living room unmolested quickly diminish. He briefly struggled, but then he noticed how since Kanda had untied his hair it was hanging over him like a sweet smelling curtain, their kiss the entire world, and he realized that he had lost this fight. Hard.

Dimly he thought he could hear laughter echoing from the kitchen, but he was too busy roving his hands through Kanda's hair to care.


	86. Innocence

**Innocence**

It truly was incredible. Just moments ago the landscape around Kanda had been pure and white and perfect. Untouched new fallen snow had surrounded him, sparkling in the sunlight, icicles hanging like clear spears from the bare tree branches. Just moments ago everything had been fine. It truly was amazing just how quickly Akuma could ruin something, destroy something, _shatter _something.

His surroundings were now… ugly. The snow now had bright red blotches everywhere, sickening him, setting off a chill down his back that dragged its way up his spine like long spidery cold fingers raking its way down his frame, leaving bloody scratch marks in their wake that left him shuddering. There was soot too, and ashes, and Akuma dust, deadly, deadly Akuma dust that he was desperately lunging into piles of freezing cold snow to avoid. There were dead bodies as well, innocent human bodies, silent and unmoving, the remaining warmth slowly seeping out of them as frost started to take over their corpses like mold would as well when they were in their caskets, months old and rotting.

It was almost symbolic, really. Imagine that the snow was innocence, not the holy kind used for killing, the naïve trusting kind that could usually be found in adorable sheltered little children with their big happy smiles and soft weak skulls that were oh so easy to crack, to smash against a wall so that the light in their twinkling loving little eyes went out. Imagine that the snow was innocence. It was pure; it was untouched, unsoiled, perfect and beautiful. And then the Akuma came. The Akuma came and it tainted that pure innocence, it touched it, soiled it, marred its perfection and scarred its beauty. Where the new fallen pristine snow had been there was blood, there were corpses, there was lethal dust, ashes and soot. Where there was once innocence there was now misery.

The Akuma really did ruin everything they touched, destroyed all, _shattered _everything. It was depressing work but it felt chillingly satisfying to know that his job, his very reason for existing, was to ruin these things, was to destroy _them, _shatter _them. _So, so satisfying, yet also oddly sickening. But Kanda just ignored that last part and killed. He slashed, he cut, he stabbed, he snarled and roared, he hated and despised and loathed, he destroyed, he _shattered. _

Kanda worked hard. He tried to shatter them all. Break them into a million pieces so that their stolen bodies would disintegrate into poisonous dust motes, stop them from taking all of the innocence there was in the world, the kind of innocence that was naïve and trusting that could usually be found in children with their smiles and skulls and loving little eyes that went out like light so easily that it was almost laughable but it wasn't. That sort of thing could never be laughable. Never.

Kanda worked hard, every chance he got he went out on the battlefield. And thanks to that he got to kill countless of them. But it also had its downsides, like how he got to see far more action than he should. He was younger than he looked; when he was born he already looked like a nine year old. He was but a child. And he got to see it all. He got to see the children's eyes go out like lights over and over again, he got to see the tainted once-pristine snow day after day, he got to see the corpses that would soon be overtaken by mould when they were buried deep down in the earth where they would never see the light of day again, if they were lucky. If they weren't they'd end up being forced into a metal skeleton, forced into killing their loved one, made to make more of those lights go out, forced to ruin and destroy and _shatter _more of that pure white snow. It was awful to wish for your allies continued death but the alternative was far crueler.

Kanda worked hard to shatter his enemies, those poor bastards, those innocence-crushing walking corpses, but in return every time he went out he saw one of those weak skulls get smashed against a wall, one of those big happy smiles get wiped off a naïve trusting little face. For every enemy he shattered another crack was put into him. There were a hundred little cracks in him, a thousand, a million, countless little cracks all over him and every time he got a new one it was so very, very hard to hold on, to stop all of those hundreds, thousand, million, countless cracks take him down. It was so hard not to _shatter. _

But he couldn't give up. He had to stand tall and strong, infallible and invincible, Innocence gripped tight in his hand, the holy kind of innocence that was used for killing, not the trusting naïve kind. He had to stop himself from shattering so that he could fight on, so that he could minimize as much damage as possible, keep as many lights burning on in those lovely little eyes as he can, keep as many weak skulls unsmashed as possible, keep those big happy smiles right where they are. There aren't that many people out there that are able and willing to help protect the pure snow, after all.

And Kanda likes the snow. He really, really does. When he sees it sparkle in the sun, reach out its hands to the unfortunate with all the foolish trust in the world, it makes him feel all kinds of warm and fuzzy things inside. Kanda is willing to die for those clear icicles, to kill for that snow, to dedicate his life to it. He will fight until his dying breath for the innocence, he will stand tall and strong, infallible and invincible, Innocence, the holy kind, gripped tight in his hand as he glares down the Akuma, the Noah, the innocence-crushing walking corpses. Kanda will not shatter, the naïve trusting innocence needs him.

* * *

Now before you guys come and complain that this is another non-Yullen drabble I'd like you guys to pay _real _good attention to the subtext here. Kanda wants to protect the pure, white, innocent snow that likes to help the unfortunate. I am a master of the art of subtlety! Though admittedly I _should _have implied the romantic part of this chapter just a _little _more heavily.


	87. Hallucination

**Hallucination **

Kanda had hallucinations. He'd had them for a very, very long time, ever since he was a kid. The hallucinations, they were everywhere, they were constant. When he touched them he felt them, when he drew in breath he smelled them. He saw them as clear as day, even though no one else did. But he could ignore them, act as if he were normal, he could tell reality from his hallucinations.

His hallucinations, they were flowers, lotuses. Soft pink and white petals everywhere he looked, sweet floral scent heavy and thick in the air, always. They grew everywhere, on the trees, on the sidewalk, climbing across the walls of every building he'd ever seen like climbing ivy, they even grew on people, tucked behind their ears, entwined with their hair, resting on their shoulders. They didn't notice them, even if the lotuses where floating in their drinks and strewn across their books they never noticed them, because they weren't real. They weren't real.

Kanda only ever hallucinated about lotuses, and he knew they were merely figments of his imagination. The adults knew about them, he'd told them. He saw a therapist once a month so that he could talk about the past and the flowers (Alma, the car accident, his nightmares). They'd tried feeding him pills in the beginning to help him, to make him stop seeing the flowers, but it hadn't worked. The pills had only made him sleepy, sad, tired, given him headaches. They did not take the flowers away. So the therapist had stopped giving him pills, and he still saw the flowers. But he got to go to school and didn't have to go to the crazy house because, as the therapist had noted, he knew how to differentiate between reality and his hallucinations. It was just the flowers, after all. He could still have a normal life.

The teachers had been informed of his hallucinations, and when he started school he'd noticed their lingering, worried looks. He'd noticed how they'd always ask him if he felt alright, how the home economics teacher always flinched when he picked up the knife. But after the first year when there hadn't been a single episode or breakdown they'd relaxed and started treating him as a normal student. Though they still winced a bit when they caught him brushing irritably at his textbooks when the flowers were in the way, when he squinted at the chalkboard because there petals in the way of the writing, when he gagged a little when he'd accidently swallowed a petal while eating his lunch. Kanda ignored it. He was good at ignoring things.

And now it was spring, another school day, the hallucinations still going strong. Kanda walked along the sidewalk on his way to school and glanced upwards. The cherry blossom trees were shedding beautiful pink petals, though when Kanda looked up mixed along with those pink petals were lotus petals as well, petals that shouldn't be there, petals that no one else could see. Kanda continued walking.

When he arrived at school, pushing his way through throngs of students, chattering and happy and covered in lotuses, he sighed. He walked up the stairs towards his classroom and indulged in one of his strange habits, listening to the other students talk.

"You do know we're having our math test today, right-"

"Hey! That's a real cute skirt, where did you buy it-"

"Morning, Alice. Have you seen-"

"Have you heard? There'll be a transfer student today in-"

"I saw him you know. He had _white _hair! And when it comes to the looks department-"

"A scar! On his face-"

"I think the name was Skywalker or something-"

Kanda let the conversations buzz through his head as he arrived at the top of the stairs, he then made the turn towards his class room. Unfortunately he walked right into someone.

"Oomph!"

"Oh! I'm so sorry! Are you all right?"

At impact Kanda had fallen right onto his behind, his eyes squeezed shut. And now there was a gloved hand holding onto his left hand, trying to help him up.

Kanda opened his eyes.

In his entire life he'd only ever hallucinated about flowers, only lotuses, nothing else. True, they felt real to the touch, real to smell, real to sight, even real to taste. He could even hear the petals rustle as the wind blew through them. But he knew they weren't real. He knew they were fake. Kanda never thought he'd ever see anything but his flowers, never thought he'd live to see something else. Apparently Kanda was wrong.

Kanda opened his eyes.

And he saw something that couldn't possibly be real, saw something that _had _to be a hallucination, yet it couldn't be because this wasn't a lotus, this was something else. An angel, maybe.

Before him kneeled an angel. White hair, pale complexion, jagged red pentagram scar, silver eyes, flawless concerned face. But that wasn't the impossible part, Kanda had seen plenty of odd things that were real in his life, and he'd seen plenty of odd looking people. The impossible part…

It was impossible what Kanda was seeing before him, unreal. Some nonexistent breeze ruffled the white halo of hair, cherry blossom petals that should not be in a corridor blew in form behind him, and it was as if someone had placed the sun right behind the strangers head because light seemed to be emitting from him. He was practically glowing. The edges of Kanda's vision were light pink. And the strangers, the angels, unearthly silver eyes seemed to be literally shining. Kanda had never before found the need to describe something as "beautiful" but this was apparently a day for proving him wrong. There was no other way to describe the sight before him but beautiful. Well. Impossible might suffice as well.

The angel looked at him with boundless concern and some slight guilt and Kanda's heart stuttered in his chest. Were those sparkles? Was the angel _sparkling!? _

"… Hello? Are you all right?"

That voice, it sounded clear like a bell yet sort of hazy in this dream like scene. Kanda was breathless, startled.

This had to be a hallucination.

Kanda managed to nod numbly.

The concerned look didn't fade completely but some relief seeped into the expression. The angel helped him up onto his feet.

"I'm so sorry; I should have watched were I was going, this is my entire fault. My name is Allen, I'm sorry. Who are you? I'm new here." The angel, Allen said. Allen. That sort of sounded like angel. It fit him.

"Kanda," he mumbled.

He would have winced at the breathless quality of his voice if he weren't so busy blatantly staring at Allen. Kanda felt dizzy on his feet, he was horribly aware of how Allen was still holding his left hand. The touch felt scalding even if the boy was wearing a glove on that hand for some reason.

This had to be a hallucination. It had to. But he'd never hallucinated about anything that wasn't flowers. Not ever.

"Pleasure to meet you Kanda," Allen said in that beautiful voice.

This had to be an angel.

Kanda turned to his side and grabbed hold of a random passing student's collar, yanking him to Kanda's side. The student choked and Allen stared but Kanda didn't care, he had to know.

"You," Kanda addressed the student with a glare. The student immediately stopped his frantic struggle for freedom.

Kanda pointed at Allen.

"What is it you see there?" Kanda asked, the question not sounding like one.

The student looked flabbergasted for a second, then he saw the wooden sword (the teachers wouldn't let him take his real one to school) at Kanda's hip and decided that he might as well humor the psycho.

"A b-boy," He stuttered.

Kanda scowled down at the student and gave him a little shake.

"Elaborate! He barked.

The student squeaked, Allen seemed to be in shock or something.

"He's has white hair! And a tattoo, scar thing, and a glove on his left hand and- and… _what do you want with me!?" _the student cried, bursting into frightened tears.

Kanda sighed, rolled his eyes, and dropped the student to his knees where he quickly scrambled up and ran away. Kanda turned back to Allen, satisfied to know that he was real. Though the student hadn't described anything about pink or petals or sparkles… weird.

Allen was gaping at him, somehow managing to still look beautiful while doing so. There was an awkward silence.

"… Sorry?" Kanda said after awhile, unsure of what exactly he'd done wrong.

Allen looked at him incredulously.

"O… kay?" he said, sounding like he was asking a question.

Kanda nodded.

"Which class will you be in?" Kanda asked.

Allen looked a little startled at having the subject changed so suddenly but he took it in stride.

"B," he answered.

Kanda felt an odd sort of warmth pool into his stomach at the answer. B was his class as well. He'd be seeing a lot more of Allen.

"Good," Kanda said with an approving nod.

Allen gave him an uncertain nod back, still a bit taken aback by the earlier display of what some might call blatant bullying.

The bell ringed and students started rushing around them.

"You're beautiful." He said.

Allen wasn't quite sure what he was dealing with here. Kanda wasn't either but he suspected it may or may not be a hallucination, or maybe an angel.


	88. Debate

**Debate**

"It's Allen! It's definitely him. How could you even _begin _to think that it's Kanda who-"

"Shh!" Lavi frantically shushed Lenalee as Allen walked past them, carrying a tray piled high with so much food it was a wonder he was even able to carry it in the first place.

Lavi knew that if he were caught having this conversation he'd regret ever being born in the first place, even if it was Allen catching him in the act. Something told him that if the normally saintly tempered boy caught him debating this particular topic he'd be dead meat, everlasting patience or no.

Allen walked past, Lenalee giving him a little wave along with a forced little smile. When he walked out of hearing range, sitting down at the same table as Kanda, they both let out a sigh of relief.

"That was close." Lavi said grimly.

"Too close!" Lenalee agreed with a nod.

There was momentary silence as they both looked over to the table where their two mutual friends sat eating, ignoring each other. Allen was eating food at light speed and Kanda was eating his soba, gazing stoically off into the air.

"Honestly," Lenalee muttered, "does _that _look like a bottom to you?" she asked, gesturing towards Kanda.

"Looks can be deceiving." Lavi said wisely.

Lenalee snorted.

"It's not just looks, Lavi. He's like all the characteristics of a pitcher personified. He's a hothead, kind of a jerkass, taller than Allen, and _way _too proud to be catcher."

"No, no, no. You're failing to see what's right in front of you. Yuu-Chan's not a hotheaded jerkass. He's a _tsundere. _That scowling mask of provocation is merely his protective outer shell, his armor, if you will, that protects his pure, vulnerable heart. Beneath that icy front of disdain and superiority lies the yearning for a hug, the need for The One who can truly understand and love him." Lavi explained, using an overabundance of hand motions to get his point across.

Lenalee gave him an incredulous look.

"What? No! That's just ridiculous, Lavi. And besides, look at Allen!"

He looked at Allen. Allen was by now done eating and was calmly sipping at a cup of tea as if he hadn't been consuming food like a black hole merely moments prior.

"Look at that sweet, innocent, naïve face, so trusting of the world and people around him. Look at that short stature, those eyelashes, those-"

"If we're going by looks then I'd just like to point out that Yuu-Chan is mistaken for a girl on an almost daily basis. His hairs longer than _yours-_"

"Only because I had to cut it, _you _have longer hair than me now." Lenalee argued, wistfully thinking back on her pigtails. One day she'd have them back.

"You get what I mean." Lavi said dismissively.

There was short lull in the conversation as Lenalee swallowed a mouthful of eggs and Lavi turned another page in the newspaper he was reading.

"Allen's older than Kanda." Lavi suddenly burst the silence.

Lenalee looked over at him incredulously.

"Allen's _fifteen. _Kanda's-"

"Nine years younger than he appears. Remember the Second Exorcist program?"

"Yeah but if we go by that logic then you could also say that Kanda's older than he appears. He may have been 'born'," cue air quotes,"looking like a nine year old but we can't just ignore his past life either."

"Yes but Yuu-Chan barely even remembers his past life. All he remembers are his last moments and a few flashes of his lover." Lavi argued.

"But then say if a forty year old man hit his head and got amnesia, forgetting the last twenty years of his life. Does that make him twenty years old?" Lenalee said.

"Only mentally," Lavi said, "psychically he's still forty."

"So Kanda's physically younger than Allen but technically also physically older. And when you talk mentally then he by no means has the personality of a child, no matter how immature he can be from time to time. He may have less years under his belt that he can actually remember than Allen yet he does have a few memories that were created before Allen was even born." Lenalee said thoughtfully, brow creased with concentration.

"You know what," Lavi said, putting a hand up, palm out, his other hand pinching the bridge of his nose as he felt a headache coming on, "I think we should just leave the Second Exorcist program out of this and just pretend for the time being that the two of them are as old as they look. Or else we might draw unfortunate conclusions about either Allen or Yuu-Chan being a pedophile or something."

"Good idea," Lenalee said with a nod. She had started to feel a headache coming on herself.

There was another short lull that was swiftly broken into smithereens once again by the duo.

"You never came up with a counterargument for my height defense." Lenalee said with a sly tone of voice. "Kanda's taller than Allen. Yaoi law dictates that Allen must take it up the ass for the world to keep spinning on its axis."

"And you didn't come up with a counterargument for my tsundere defense. You just called it ridiculous and started babbling about how girly Allen looks, a contest in which Yuu-Chan will beat our short little friend in any day of the week."

Lenalee threw up her hands in the air with disgust.

"Why are you so insistent on Kanda being Allen's bitch anyways!?"

"I just like being against the popular opinion." Lavi admitted bashfully.

Lenalee gave him a flat look and then slumped, rolling her eyes and heaving a great sigh of exasperation.

"Of course," she muttered.

"Of course I'm right?" Lavi asked innocently; clearly not ready to let the debate slip away.

Lenalee shot him a glare.

"Of course you're an idiot! It's obvious that Allen's the one biting the pillow. He's so… gentle, kind, innocent, trusting, naïve… uke-ish. He's also very sacrificial so he'd be more than ready to take one for the team if Kanda refuses to loosen his tight ass." She reasoned.

Lavi shook his head at her as if she were a silly little child claiming that the sun revolved around the earth.

"Oh Lenalee, Lenalee, Lenalee. Allen may be sacrificial but he has his pride. He'd rather keel over and die from sexual frustration than be the first one to give. And you've seen his evil side when he plays poker, or when he fights Yuu-Chan. I doubt there's anything on earth he'd hate more than let Kanda be dominant. Allen refuses to lose to him" Lavi said.

Lenalee opened her mouth for yet another comeback that would prove that Lavi was wrong and that she was right damn it! But just as the first word was about the slip past her lips she heard a sound, an absolutely horrible sound. It was the sound of cracking knuckles accompanied by a sword leaving its sheath. She and Lavi froze in their seats, cold sweat breaking out on their foreheads as their lives flashed before their eyes. It took everything she had to force herself to look.

"Tsundere, huh?" Kanda asked threateningly, shifting his grip on Mugen's hilt with an almost hungry expression on his face.

"Uke-ish, huh?" Allen in a tone of voice that sounded so much like Kanda's earlier that Lenalee briefly wondered if they'd practiced it earlier just in case. The usually polite mellow boy was looking down at the two of them with a downright bloodthirsty look on his face, cracking his knuckles eagerly.

"Oh crap," Lavi and Lenalee intoned at the same time, staring up at their respective death with wide eyed terror.

The couple, whose sex life habits were _their _business, shared a rare smile, even if it was a murderous sadistic one, and lunged. That was the last time anyone ever even _mentioned_ the word seme or uke in the same room as them.


	89. Relax

**Relax**

Deadfall crunched underneath his boots, his head turning back and forth in all directions, watching for the tiniest movement that might betray another being's presence. He marched on, the sun pounding down against his back, sweat beading his forehead, his muscles aching for him to sit down and rest.

According to the reports all of the Akuma attacks had happened in the general vicinity of where Kanda was now patrolling. The monster had to be here somewhere…

Kanda wiped the back of his hand across his forehead; he'd been searching for hours. God, this mission would be far easier if Allen was there with him, not that he'd ever admit that. He could do just fine on his own, thanks. Kanda didn't need a cursed eye to find the enemy; he could do this alone with his own skill.

A rustle of leaves was suddenly heard on Kanda's right and he spun in that direction, Mugen arching high as he brought it down on the source of the noise without hesitation. His blade embedded into the earth exactly two centimeters away from a frozen squirrel. He'd managed to divert it just in time. Kanda glared down at the squirrel and yanked his sword out of the ground. The squirrel finally came back to its senses and scurried off as quickly as it could, acorn lying abandoned on the ground. Kanda sighed and adjusted his grip on his sword, going back to hunting for the Akuma.

A refreshing wind breezed by and Kanda gave a relieved sigh at the brief gist of wind, momentarily letting his guard down. Knowing Kanda's luck that was precisely the moment the Akuma chose to strike.

The Akuma burst forth from the foliage above him (the bastard had been hiding in the tree tops, following him) with a demonic shriek. Kanda's eyes snapped open from the brief moment of relaxation he'd allowed himself. He cursed, tightened his grip on Mugen, and swiveled around, bringing up his sword a split second before the Akuma's claws decapitated him. Sparks flew as the razor claws scraped their way down almost all the way to the hilt of his sword before they both at an unspoken single parted their clash and jumped backwards.

Safe out of range Kanda took a moment size up his opponent. The Akuma, as they all were, was grotesque. It's skin was an ash grey, its lips a frozen corpse blue. On each of its far-too-long arms a hand that was actually just an assortment of blades glinted in the sunlight. There were sharp bone white spikes jutting out at random points on its body, shark teeth bared in a bloodthirsty grin, crimson eyes observing him coolly.

The Akuma charged.

It jumped forth, as fast as a bullet. Luckily Kanda was used to being shot at and so had next to no problems bringing up his sword and slashing it through the air in time, launching his bugs at the Akuma.

The Akuma let out another shriek, this one of pain, as one of the bugs laded square on its left eye, taking a hefty bite out of the hateful crimson orb. Another attached itself firmly to the Akuma's left shoulder with a firm jaw but the rest were batted out of the way by the Akuma's blade hand.

Kanda let a vicious grin burst forth on his visage at having drawn first blood. He charged as the Akuma slapped a hand over its injured eye and stabbed at its sternum. Unfortunately for Kanda the Akuma had the sense to jerkily dodge out of the way where it had been standing but a second ago just in case he'd be attacking, which he had. Kanda snarled as Mugen merely nicked the Akuma's right arm and slashed with Mugen again.

The Akuma did a fancy back flip to get out of the way and Kanda sneered at its flashiness before following. Like Hell he'd let that thing out of his sight after all of the effort he'd gone through to find it.

The Akuma was back in the treetops and Kanda was right behind it, jumping among the tree branches with ease. All Exorcists were in freakishly good shape, always fit and able to fight in any sort of terrain due to their constant training.

The Akuma didn't notice at first that Kanda was following it, which allowed him to fire another volley of bugs at it, most of them hitting the Akuma's back. The Akuma let out a shriek; it seemed to like to do that, of surprised pain and as it stumbled Kanda leapt at it.

The Akuma fell down to the ground, but onto its feet. Kanda brought up his blade to strike it but then, without even looking at him, the Akuma lashed out with one of its blade hands and gave him a shallow but painful wound to his legs as he was still in the air. He choked on a cry of pain as blood arched through the air, his blood.

Kanda could almost swear he'd heard the Akuma's neck tendons creak as it snapped its head in Kanda's direction, right over it. Apparently the little skid mark on humanities underpants hadn't actually expected to hit something, it had just randomly attacked what it thought was empty air. God that was annoying. The little blighter was just randomly dodging and attacking and worse was it was working!

Kanda growled and dealt the finishing blow. A dull thud was heard as the Akuma's head rolled onto the ground, followed soon by another thud as the body collapsed onto the ground as well. And then the body and head turned into dust just like that.

Kanda took a few steps back, his eyes widening with horror as he remembered that the Akuma had just landed a hit on him. the Akuma had _touched _him.

But just as Kanda was frantically raising his sword to chop his own legs off he noticed something gleaming in the pile of lethal dust. It was- it was a small pile of knives dripping with his blood. Kanda let out a shuddering breath as he fell onto his knees with relief. The knives hadn't been a part of the Akuma's anatomy at all; it had just been an additional weapon it had picked up somewhere. Thank God. Kanda wasn't sure how the bastard had managed to attach knives to its hands but he didn't care. He was tired, hungry and cranky.

Another refreshing breeze blew by but this time Kanda didn't close his eyes and let it wash over him. This time his earlier failure to stay on guard flashed through his mind and he gritted his teeth and stood up. This was no time for rest, it never was. Now was the time to head back to the train station so he could get back to the Order to get a new mission. Now was the time to keep a tight grip on the hilt of his sword at all times, sheathed or not. Now was the time to be wary, to be untrusting, to be awake and alert, ready to cut down the enemy at a moment's notice.

Kanda's death grip on his sword didn't lessen once as he marched out of the forest, eyes peeled for the slightest movement even if he'd just slain the only known Akuma in the vicinity. Just in case.

* * *

Hi guys. I'd just like to say that, as always, I read each every one of your reviews and I love them all. They really inspire me. But I'm also including this AN as a fair warning to you all: I won't be updating for at least two weeks. I'm going on vacation abroad, get a tan and a mosquito rash and all that. I'm so sorry and every moment I'm not writing will be agonizing. I'll miss you.


	90. Anniversary

**Anniversary**

The naked bulb hanging from the ceiling on a chain cast a surprisingly strong and warm light. He drew in a large breath and the smell of ancient velvet and cloth, the smell of linseed oil lovingly and carefully rubbed into old wood tables, that familiar smell of ink and paper of stacks and stacks of dusty tomes stacked in tall dangerously leaning piles, brought a soft smile to his face.

Lavi knew that attics were supposed to be gloomy, with relics from the past taunting you with how old you have become, pictures of the long departed reopening old wounds, and spooky, with cobwebs in the corners, startling creaks and moans of beams settling, and dark shadows were the dim light did not quite reach and pierce the darkness were anything could hide… but with the soft creamy tablecloths covering all of the furniture, toys from childhood and Christmas decorations poking almost curiously out of crates and boxes and great big leather trunks that you couldn't get just anywhere anymore, with all of that and more (the Old Man's phonograph and records collecting dust in one corner, his old Bullseye slingshot lying on the floor next to it right behind a small burlap bag that was spilling oh so many pretty marbles, each more colorful than the next, each one unique and different, none quite the same, a teddy bear missing one button eye perched on top a bundle of skis he could not remember using since he was a teenager, the stuffed bear staring at him with its one eye dolefully, reminding him a little of himself, what with its state of cyclopeness) he just could not help thinking that the attic was comfortable, soft and warm, cozy you could say.

Yes, he liked the attic.

He hummed a low tune under his breath and carefully weaved his way through the stacks and piles of junk until he was standing before a great big black leather trunk with a golden padlock. He smiled again and opened the trunk, the padlock merely being there for show.

On the inside of the lid of the trunk there were Polaroid's taped to it.

One of the pictures, the one taped to the upper left corner of the lid, showed a beautiful Chinese girl, her hair tied up in two long ponytails, her smile kind and gentle, a summer dress trailing down her lithe form. The picture next to this one shows her in a hospital bed, a big goofy drugged smile on her face and her arm in a cast, names scrawled all over it (_Lavi, Allen, Kanda, Komui, Johnny, Link, Miranda, Krory_).

There is another picture, this one on the bottom right corner, of a white haired young man sleeping on a sun bed on a porch, oddly enough wearing a long sleeved shirt and a glove on his left hand despite the obviously summer weather, sunrays glinting of in a glare off a glass of lemonade next to the sun bed, an open paperback resting on his chest and a little trickle of drool at the corner of his mouth. The picture next to it shows almost the exactly same scene, except that the white haired young man is wide awake, eyes wide, expression of shock on his face, sitting upright as Lavi himself, no grey in his head full of red back then, laughing himself silly besides him, a now empty pail clutched in his right hand, Allen dripping wet and strongly resembled a drowned kitten. The angle of the picture is a little off, as if the one taking the picture was having a hard time keeping herself from falling to the ground with laughter herself.

At the upper right corner there is a picture of a Japanese man with long hair tied up in a ponytail, a small utterly genuine smile on his lips. The smile has the beauty that can only be seen by people who do so often, each smile a rare and precious gem, each one truly genuine and meaningful. The Japanese man is unaware of his picture getting taken. Lavi knows that he'd rather have all of his nails ripped off than let a picture of him actually smiling come into being. This loving sincere smile is turned down on the white haired young man, his sleeping head resting on the Japanese man's shoulder, his face peaceful and dreamy. There is another picture next to it showing his more regular expression, a disgruntled scowl turned towards the camera, the squint of his eyes showing he'd been startled and annoyed by the camera's sudden flash.

On the bottom left corner there are a couple pictures of himself, the first one showing him smiling cockily at the camera, that same old mischievous sparkle twinkling away in his one emerald green eye. The one next to that one shows him sitting in an overstuffed couch, a ridiculously huge tome held in his hands, an unusually serious, thoughtful, and calm expression on his face. he hadn't known the picture had been taken at the time, he'd been too captivated by his book, something about Egyptian marriage rituals, he dimly remembered.

And in the middle of the lid there is a picture of all four of them, plus a blond man with a ponytail and two dots on his forehead, a man in a white beret sitting closer than is usually deemed socially acceptable to the Chinese girl with the pigtails, a nervous shy looking woman with her hair up in a bun, bags under her eyes and a sweet tentative smile on her face, a man sitting next to her that will immediately make you think _vampire _sitting next to her, oddly enough also looking shy and nervous, and another young man with huge glasses and a ponytail, scrawny and flushed with happiness. All of these people are sitting at a table, the table itself laden with sweets and food and desserts Jerry had made, soda fizzling in their cups, used party favors and confetti strewn about. Reever had been taking the picture. Komui had dragged him along, babbling something about needing cavalry for when all of the lecherous men would decide to finally make their move in one destructive force against his precious little sister.

Lavi notes with amusement, something he had been too busy drinking and laughing that night to notice, that Allen and Kanda are sitting especially close, as if the two of them were holding hands beneath the table. They probably were. For all they bickered and fought the two of them were really just a couple of romantics at heart, truly in love with each other. A match made in heaven if he' ever seen one, that was.

He looks down from the lid down to what he'd actually been looking for, an old dusty green bottle of wine. He didn't have a wine cellar, so if the fancy ever struck him to buy the stuff he kept it in the kitchen. But this bottle was special. It was very expensive, apparently very delicious, the name long and French and impossible to pronounce, the year printed on it long enough ago to make someone stare for five solid minutes in disbelief. He takes it out with one liver spotted hand and gently closes the trunk. He turns off the light and slowly climbs down the ladder, he wasn't a teenager anymore, had to know his limits and watch his hip. He closed the attic trapdoor in the ceiling and walked out of his house, a nice if not small house, neat and cozy somehow. He grabbed a jacket on his way, it was autumn and it the days were wont to get chilly lately, and his leg ached terribly in the cold where he'd broken it when he was thirty. He gets into his car and starts the ignition and drives off to his designation.

The sky is locked in steel, the sun trapped behind the unforgiving bars of clouds, and the trees shed their orange, red and yellow leaves. The drive is short and the traffic is nonexistent. He parks the car and gets out, locks it, and walks through an iron gate, bar twisting up into sharp spear heads far above him, and he whistles a jaunty tune.

And now he's here. He looks at it for a moment, one eternal moment where the loneliness and grief presses down on his shoulders much like how he thought the world had once pressed down on Atlas's shoulders, the weight seemingly unbearable. And then a dog in the distance barks and the moment is broken. Lavi smiles a shaky grin and sits down cross-legged before his friends.

"Long time no see." Lavi says.

The gravestones do not answer, as they did every time he visited.

He popped the cork on the ancient wine and took a sip. It was okay.

His minds drifts back to that cold autumn day, precisely sixty seven years ago on this day, and he remembers the screams, the chaos, the confusion and disorientation, and he shakes his head. He doesn't want to think about that. He doesn't want to think about how he'd been the only one of them to survive. It hadn't been Lenalee with her cast and pigtails who lived, not Allen with his constantly present left glove and open paperback, not Kanda with his long hair and beautiful genuine rare smile. It had been none of the others. Only him.

That struck Lavi as not very fair. But he tried not to think about it.

He took a big gulp of his wine and muttered to himself (and his friends, nothing more than bones underneath all of that dirt) "Happy anniversary,"

Suddenly he missed the cozy warm comfort of his attic where he wasn't so harshly reminded him of his solitude. Happy anniversary indeed.

* * *

I'M BACK! Oh have I missed writing this story! I ended up missing writing so much three days into the vacation that I bought a notebook that I've already filled halfway with writing. I really hope you guys liked this chapter. Please review!


	91. Fall

**Fall**

His smile was dazzling, his silver eyes blinding, and his revealed chest just downright arousing. Kanda blushed furiously and averted his eyes, refusing to take a second glance at Allen's abs.

They were in the infirmary, the smell of antiseptics and disinfectant strong. The nurse was prying a bullet out of Allen's chest with a pair of tweezers with a disapproving frown. In the fray of battle some policeman with a gun had, at the sight of monsters that weren't supposed to be real, started hysterically shooting off his gun into the crowd. Luckily he hadn't hit any innocent bystanders- except for Allen. The bullet had shot him in the chest, though thankfully not gone deeply. It was shallow wound and the Nurse would just have to clean it and wrap it up. She'd still insist on him sleeping for a night or two in the infirmary though, the demanding crone.

Kanda had just taken a bad fall and badly twisted his ankle. Even experts made occasional amateurish mistakes after all. He'd just get it wrapped up and be limping on his way, far away from any tantalizing abs or drool worthy muscles. Yup, none of that in his nice quiet room.

But despite his self assurances he ended up looking again anyways. Allen's teeth were clenched, a sheen of cold sweat on his forehead as the nurse carefully, finally, pried the bullet out.

"There," she huffed; discarding the bullet into a tin bowl, and Allen sighed with relief.

"Now we just have to disinfect that before wrapping up." She said and Allen stiffened up when she brought out the bottle that always made doctors and nurses alike say, "This is going to sting a bit, that's all." And children to say, "_OH GOD IT HURTS!_"

When she applied the little cotton ball moist with the freaking acid he drew in a sharp breath but did not cry out. His eyes squeezed shut and his hands tightened into fists but that was all. Kanda watched the Exorcist stiffen up and fought back the little tendril of admiration. He was an Exorcist. He was expected to deal with pain without a word of complaint. There was nothing to admire. He told himself this firmly but he was still impressed, and his growing crush on the young man strengthened.

Five minutes later she was done and wrapping the bandages around his chest. Kanda noted with dim amusement that the color of the bandages was almost completely the same as Allen's skin. He was just that pale.

She finished and cast a glance at her next patient, him, and immediately saw the problem.

"I'll be right back." She said. "I'm just going to get more bandages."

And then the door was swinging shut and he was alone in the infirmary with Allen.

_What. _

What. He was… that wasn't… damn it!

Kanda cast a nervous glance at Allen, a light pink flush burning away on his face, but Allen's eyes were closed and he was lying down on his back on the uncomfortable infirmary bed.

Right. Yes. Of course. Why should Allen be nervous? It wasn't as if he liked him or anything. He was just resting in the infirmary with a hole in his chest, waiting for the nurse to arrive so that she could patch up one more Exorcist and then he'd have the room to himself.

He looked down at his lap and leaned against the back of his chair, trying to will himself to relax. It was just Allen. Just Walker. Just stupid ol' Bean Sprout.

Slowly but surely his heartbeat slowed down back to a more normal tempo and his shoulders slumped.

"What you in here for?" a voice suddenly broke the silence and then Kanda's head snapped up, just as he'd been relaxing, maybe even falling into a light doze.

He looked at the only other person in the room and stared. What, did he think they were in prison or something? but he answered anyways.

"I twisted my ankle."

And then the full embarrassment of that statement hit home as Allen grinned a crooked smile. His face burned and he was extremely grateful that Allen's eyes were still closed. Here he was, waiting for the nurse to put on a band aid for him and kiss his boo-boo while Allen was lying on the bed with a Goddamn bullet wound. He should have just lied or something.

"How'd you do that?" Allen asked.

"I fell."

Kanda just about had the right mind to bite his own tongue after that mortifying answer to stop more from coming. Allen briefly chuckled and Kanda scowled, a bright red flush on his face. Why couldn't he be in the same room as Allen without ending up resembling a freaking tomato every time?

"Shut up," Kanda snapped, embarrassed.

"Okay, sorry." Allen said, but a grin still lingered on his face.

"Everybody falls sometimes." Kanda said defensively even though Allen had said nothing.

"That's right," Allen agreed, but he still smiled.

"I mean, you can't just always be on guard. Accidents happen." Kanda continued.

He couldn't make himself shut up. It was as if he were watching someone else who resembled him bumble and talk relentlessly like a pouring stream that just kept on adding and adding to his mortification.

"That they do," Allen said.

"Exactly. Sometimes a person just falls. They can't help it. It's not their fault if there's suddenly someone utterly perfect in front of them with their stupid nice smile and stupid pretty face and-" and now Kanda bit his tongue, realizing that he'd completely veered off course, was talking about something completely different now, something that should under no circumstances be talked about in front of or to Allen Walker of all people. He'd rather tell Lavi about his crush than the crush himself. And that said something.

And now Allen's eyes finally opened and he blinked with confusion up at the ceiling and Kanda thanked the Gods that he wasn't looking at Kanda, his face now beet red.

"Huh?" Allen said, his brows furrowed and just then (saved by the nurse) the door opened and the nurse was back with a roll of bandages in her right hand. Thank the Gods.

Kanda sighed and held his twisted ankle out for her to bandage.

That was close. Too close.

She finished wrapping his ankle up and stood up.

"You be on your way then. Be easy on that ankle and come back here in a few days for me to rewrap it if it's not completely healed by then. Now excuse me. I have to go and discuss our _sorely _lacking amount of bandages with Komui." And then she bustled off again.

Kanda rose and painfully slowly limped out of the infirmary. As he was standing at the threshold of the infirmary Allen finally spoke up.

"That's right." Allen said in the tones of one who has just realized something that has brightened their whole day, possibly week, possibly even month. "Sometimes a person can't help falling. Sometimes they let their guard down and wonderful accidents happen. They can't help it. It's not their fault if there's suddenly someone utterly perfect in front of them. You look pretty when you blush by the way."

Kanda slammed the door shut, his face resembling a tomato.

* * *

He he he. It's fun to write Kanda having a crush. Please review! I read all of your reviews you know!


	92. Rot

**Rot**

Let it rot. Let it fester. Let its pungent pus flow like its blood. Let it decay and decompose. Let it turn to ashes. Let it cool and dry and crack. Let its blood clot and its flesh be eaten by maggots and insects and rats. Let it.

You don't care. It's just an it. Not a he. Not him. You don't care for it. You don't love it. It's just an it. Not even human, really. Not at all. You don't care if it dies. In fact, you are glad. You enjoy hi- its suffering. Not he. It. You enjoy it. You do not respect or admire it, you do not have fond memories of it, you don't feel like its equal, and you most certainly don't love it. Not at all. You hate it. You want to kill it.

Sure. You used to know someone who used to look like him, used to sound like him, act like him, even smell like him. But that is not him. That is the enemy. That _thing _killed the one you have such fond memories of. Took his place, just to fool you. But you're not going to let yourself be fooled, are you? No. You're going to kill it. For him.

It's all just an act. That is not truly him. He is dead. It's all wrong. You can see the flaws in his lies. Since when did the one you thought of as an equal have dark hair? You remember, you remember clearly his snow white hair, the hair he was ashamed of so he covered it with a hood out in public, the hair that made him stand out so clearly, the hair he got from his curse. Since when did the person you respected and admired have skin as grey as stone? Since when did he have a crown of crosses? Since when did the person you loved, the person with eyes like silver coins (you remember them so clearly it is almost painful), since when did the person you loved have eyes like molten gold? Since when? You can't remember. Because that is not him.

_That is not him. _

It can't be. He speaks in his voice, he robbed him of it, and he pleas you to spare him, to come back to your senses. He lies. You do not retract you sword. You plunge it deeper into his chest and he cries out in pain. Good. Good. He killed him. Stole his skin, stole his eyes, stole his voice, and then proceeded to warp and change them. Ruin them.

Let it rot.

Kill it. Destroy it. It's only what it deserves. It's what it did to _him. _The one with the hair like snow, his eyes like silver coins. He killed him. Probably did it slowly too. Probably enjoyed it. The bastard. The utter bastard.

It is evil. It is not him. It can't be. Because that would be to admit that he is your enemy now. That you would have to fight him now. Kill him. It is so much easier to just believe that he is already dead and what is bleeding before you is just a copy, his murderer in fact. You can't bear to kill or hurt the one with the snow white hair or the silver coin eyes but you are more than willing to kill his murderer, this monster with a crown of crosses, skin as grey as stone, hair darker than yours, and eyes like molten gold. Eyes that are spilling tears. He used to cry. No. It is a trick. It is trying to trick you. He is dead and what before you is his shell. It just looks like him. And sounds like him. And acts like him. And even smells like him. That is all.

Let it rot.

It is good that this isn't him, because then you would have to fight him, the one you love so much. And that would be bad, and worse, you wouldn't have a choice. You have no choice. You follow the Order, and anyone with a crown of crosses and skin like stone and eyes like gold are the Orders enemy and therefore your enemy and you know what you have to do with your enemy. You are doing it right now to the thing in front of you. Yes. It is good that you aren't being forced to kill the one you love. It is good that you are merely killing a monster. Because if you had to kill the one you loved you would break, would go insane, would be unable to handle it. It is good that you are only dealing with his killer.

"Kanda," it says in his voice, his stolen voice. "Kanda don't do this. It's me. The Noah hasn't taken over, it's just m-"

You cut off his words, his lies, his dirty filthy lies, with your sword. He was lying. He was just lying. Noah do that. The enemy do that. They lie. Which is good. Because that would mean that you just killed the one you loved in the name of the Order. And that would break you, would drive you over the brink of madness it would. Luckily it was just lying.

_It was lying. _

You look down at hi- it. It. You look down at it.

"Kanda…" it gasps and then draws its last breath. And then it is dead. And then its eyes change color. Its eyes, wide open and glazed over, are now the color of silver coins. Its crown of crosses fade away into pale skin that is by no means grey. Its hair is white like snow.

But you are not alarmed. It is just a trick. They do that. The enemy. The enemy do that. They are cruel and it would be just like them to do something like this to try and break you right before you kill it. It is just a trick. Because you would never kill him. Never. Not the one you loved. Because you would be unable to handle that, would be unable to cope or function or process or understand that, you would break if you did that. You killed a monster, not him. You did not kill him. You loved him. You killed _it. _It is dead.

Let it rot.

* * *

Mostly I just wanted to try out this kind of narrative, though partly its been, like, two chapters since I've written something angsty. Also, bad news. Just as I've come back for you, my precious, beloved readers, my dad has decided that it is time for us to visit my grandparents. Who have no computer. So sorry. Looks like it'll be another hiatus. At least this one will merely last a week. Whelp, overseeing depressing messages of hiatuses I do hope that you guys liked this chapter despite its... uniqueness. Please review!


	93. Meet

**Meet**

Allen rather thought that the only thing keeping the situation from being utterly horrible was the hilarious/adorable stubborn blush staining Kanda's cheeks a bright red. Honestly, it was such a rare sight seeing Kanda blush that he could count the times it had happened since he'd met him on both hands and still have fingers to spare.

He smiled nervously at the scruffy older man sitting across from him. Froi Tiedoll adjusted his glasses, a strict, analytic frown on his face. This just served to make Allen more nervous.

"So Allen… how long have you been… _courting _my son?" Kanda's adoptive father broke the tense silence.

Kanda's scowl deepened and his blush strengthened at the word 'courting'.

"Ah, well… a few months now. Since April? Yeah, since April I think." Allen said, fumbling for the answer.

The man's analytic frown didn't disappear and Allen wondered half hysterically if the fact that he couldn't pinpoint the exact date when he had decided to throw cautions to the wind and basically out of nowhere thrown himself at Kanda lips first was a deal breaker for him. His panicking mind offered him some very vague, hastily put together elope plans.

_Yes… we'll gather all of our useless possessions and pawn them, using the money to buy ski masks and crow bars. We will then proceed to hitchhike to somewhere… somewhere far away from here. Somewhere like… Mexico. Yes. Mexico sounds just fine. Then we live the rest of our days happily as Mexican burglars, robbing houses for silverware and other such things. Maybe there'll even be some sort of dog in the future for us, maybe a Terrier or something. Terrier's like Mexican climate right? Yes. Of course they do. _

Tiedoll's chilly reply broke this half crazy train of thought. "I see… Yuu hasn't informed me of this before now."

Visiting your boyfriend's parents sucked ass. Seriously.

"Old man," Kanda hissed,"I don't have to tell you the second I-"

"What he means to say is that he wouldn't want to bother you before he was sure that it was serious." Allen cut him off hurriedly, all too aware of Kanda's crude mouth.

Despite the man's frown there were smile wrinkles around his mouth and crows feet around his eyes, the sort that came from smiling so widely that your eyes closed a bit. He was clearly normally a cheery man. But right now he was serious and Allen knew from Kanda's various offhanded complaints about him that he was extremely overprotective of his son. God forbid Kanda mentioned something that would imply Allen _defiling _his son or something. Allen was pretty sure that if Tiedoll got even a suspicion that he had deflowered his precious Yuu he would personally make sure that Allen would no longer retain the necessary equipment to do so again.

Kanda directed his scowl now at him but Allen didn't notice. He was too busy staring paranoidly at Tiedoll, half certain that the man would lunge at him across the coffee table at any moment for some reason and rip him a new one. Tiedoll's expression hadn't changed once.

After awhile Allen took a tentative sip of tea. It was cold by now and he suppressed a grimace, carefully setting the cup back down with a nearly inaudible clink.

"Don't interrupt me-"

"Sorry!"

"You did it again! You-"

"Sorry!"

"Bean Sprout!"

Allen bit his tongue and Kanda punched him, lightly on his arm.

Without thinking Allen answered in kind, punching him lightly on his arm. No more than a tap with his fist really. And then he remembered where hew was and who was in the same room as him again and his head whipped around so fast in Tiedoll's direction that he nearly got whiplash.

He could almost swear he'd seen the man smiling lovingly but then when he blinked that same disapproving mask was back on as firmly as ever. He must have imagined it.

He hoped to God that he wouldn't go berserk over the lighthearted punch. Thankfully he didn't. Instead he took a sip of green tea from his weird clay cup with no handle and grimaced.

"Ugh. Cold." He set the cup down and looked at Allen, his expression finally softer, less distrusting. Allen took that as a good sign.

"Sorry, your tea must be cold by now. I'll get some more for you. You too Yuu." And then he picked up Allen's teacup and Kanda's coffee mug and walked out of the room before Allen could modestly protest.

And then they were alone.

Silence again.

"Well he seems to like you." Kanda said.

"Really?" Allen asked anxiously.

"Well if he didn't he'd either be in the process of ramming that Ming vase over there up your ass or throwing holy water at you while reciting bible verses."

Allen wasn't quite sure what to say to that.

At Allen's stunned look Kanda rolled his eyes – figured that the Bean Sprout would take what he said seriously. He sighed at his boyfriend's stupidity and leaned in towards him, kissing him. It was of course right at that precise moment that Tiedoll walked back in, holding a teacup and a coffee mug, both steaming a bit.

There was a moment when everybody froze, Kanda's lips glued to Allen's, both of their eyes wide and watching Tiedoll with shock, Tiedoll expressionless.

As he calmly walked back to the coffee table Kanda awkwardly broke of the kiss, the rare red blush staining his cheeks yet again. Tiedoll carefully set the coffee mug and teacup down on the table. He then turned around and picked up the Ming vase sitting on one of the smaller tables. He turned around, Ming vase in hand, the sunlight filtering through the windows making his glasses shine so that his eyes were impossible to see.

It was right about then that Allen decided to Hell with being on good terms with his boyfriend's family and jumped up form the couch, bolting out of the place as if the hounds of Hell were at his heels.

* * *

I'M BACK! AGAIN! Woo!


	94. Search

**Search**

Yellow and brittle with age Lavi was extremely careful while turning the pages, holding the fragile tome as if it were a bomb that could and would explode at the lightest of touches. The ink was faded yet still readable. Sure, it wasn't English, but that had never stopped him before.

"Have you seen Kanda?" a voice suddenly broke the silence.

Lavi looked up from the book, only slightly startled. Allen stood there in the doorway of the library, breathing a little heavier than usual; cheeks flushed a very faint pink, almost unnoticeable really. Clearly he had been running.

Lavi smiled.

"No sorry. Have you checked the meditation room? Yuu-chan likes it there."

"Um, no. Where is it exactly?" Allen said.

Lavi pointed to the left.

"It's actually right by the cafeteria. It's behind a red door. You can't miss it."

"Okay," Allen said with a nod.

And then he left, running along.

Lavi turned back to his back.

The lighting was dim and yellow, though Lavi liked it. He knew it wasn't exactly good for his eyesight, and it was bad enough as it already was (ha ha), but he couldn't help but find reading books older than him, hunched over and squinting, to have an odd sort of charm. He was weird, he knew that, and he embraced it.

He turned a page and then there was a voice breaking the silence, though this time it wasn't Allen.

"Have you seen the Bean Sprout?" Yuu-chan said.

Lavi looked up from his book.

Yuu-chan's hair was mussed, quite a few strands having fallen out of the tight ponytail to hang in his face where he was impatiently swiping at it as he looked expectantly at Lavi. That was odd. Yuu-chan's ponytail didn't move an inch even during battle. Yuu-chan's ponytail was a uptight as his personality (ha ha, he was on a roll here). Lavi could easily that he had been running, just like Allen.

"He's in the meditation room, I think. Why are you looking for Allen, Y-"

But Yuu-chan was already gone, pounding footsteps tapering off. Lavi blinked, puzzled. What was that all about? He shrugged. Eh, whatever.

He turned back to his book.

He shifted in his seat, the comfortable black leather chair squeaking a bit. He turned a page. He read a sentence. He then read the same sentence again. And again. And again. And then eight more times before he finally gave up with a huff. Dammit. Damn Allen and Yuu-chan with their distracting actions. Why were they looking for each other exactly? His insatiable curiosity had to know.

He carefully closed the book and with great caution he set it down on the table in front of him for future reading. He then stood up so fast his chair nearly fell over and ran so fast he almost tripped. Okay so he was curious as all Hell. There was a reason he was a Bookman apprentice okay?

He ran along the hallway, passing the cafeteria and before he knew it skidding to a stop before a red door. Lavi opened the door just a crack and peered in with his one emerald eye. And blushed.

Oh.

All right then.

Lavi straightened and looked away from the sliver of the meditation room he had been able to see. He started walking back to the library, even though he was certain he would most certainly not be able to read _now. _

So that blush hadn't been because of running, huh?

He had actually seen anything, or heard anything. But he _had _seen Allen's discarded shirt on the floor, right next to a pair of pants that looked to be Yuu-chan's.

He had not seen that coming.

* * *

Oh my God guys there are only like six chapters left. I've really loved writing this fic, partly because I'm not good with long term plotting, partly because the feedback was more than I ever expected. I love you guys so damn much.


	95. Dog

**Dog**

Yuu Kanda was by no means adorable. He was a hardened former U.S soldier with a filthy mouth and an ornery disposition. He did not blush, or stutter, or act cute, or even smile all that often. He knew how to fight for himself and he did so. He could protect himself, thank you very much.

But… for some reason Allen still found him… adorable, for lack of better words. He did nothing adorable, he said nothing adorable, and he didn't even look adorable. He had more of a graceful strong beauty about him, actually. But somehow, _somehow, _he still managed to do the impossible and seem cuter than a kitten and a puppy both trying to worm their way into a slipper at the same time.

For example: Kanda hit his toe on the corner of the coffee table, swore up a storm, and actually went so far as to _flip the freaking table over. _And what did Allen do? Why, he felt his heart melting at the sight.

Kanda literally growled at a dog that tried to lick his hand? The warm and fuzzy feelings inside of Allen were nearly uncontrollable.

Kanda kicked the television to make it work? He could barely stop the _awww_ from slipping out.

It was weird. It was unexplainable. And it was also sort of stupid.

Lenalee said that maybe his sense of adorableness was just naturally skewed. He was dating Kanda after all. Lavi, on the other hand, guessed that there must be some faulty wiring in his brain and he had to get brain surgery now before it was too late!

Allen had long since learned not to take everything Lavi said seriously, so he didn't rush to the hospital, danger of internal cranial bleeding or no.

So maybe his sense of cuteness was skewed, as Lenalee said. But maybe that was for the best because, after all, as previously mentioned, he _was _dating Kanda. Maybe he'd just gotten used to it. It was sort of how when a dog got frustrated at something stupid that it couldn't understand, like how the length of rope that was tied to its neck shortened each time it went around the tree it was tied to. It was like that. Yes. Kanda wasn't cute in the traditional sense. He was cute in the Stupid Angry Dog way, best not to tell him that though. He might just get mad enough to kill him at hearing that. In a Stupid Angry Dog way of course.

Actually now he kind of wanted to tell him after all. Just to see him chase him with a knife in one hand and that _adorable _pissed off expression on his face. It was the cutest. In the dog way.

This all ran through Allen's mind as he watched Kanda from the couch burn his fingers on a match he'd been holding for too long while lighting the fireplace. He watched as Kanda called the matchbook a filthy motherfucker and then threw the whole damn thing in the now burning fire. He made a note to by more matches. And barely suppressed the cooing that wanted to come out and be directed at Kanda who was now glaring at the fire as if it had personally offended him some way.

Yuu Kanda was by no means adorable. Not in the traditional sense at least.

* * *

Very short, I know, and I'm sorry. But this was all I could think to write. Man, looking back I wonder how I even managed writing so many different chapters in the first place.


	96. Wonder

**Wonder**

The war was close to an end. All of the Noah were gone and defeated, even the Millennium Earl. All they had to do was hunt down the remaining akuma and it would be finally, after years and centuries of seemingly endless fighting, over.

Allen wondered what he would do when it was. Join the circus again, he supposed. It was the only thing besides killing that he knew how to do well. He would be a clown just as Mana was. He might sometimes flex his deformed arm for the crowds during the freak show exhibits, standing next to a two headed cow and a man who could hammer nails into his nose. Allen supposed he could do that.

Lavi would probably leave with Bookman again, travel the world and record all they saw until they found an interesting enough place to settle down again.

Lenalee had said something about getting an education and her brother becoming a professor at a very posh place for snobby kids to go to school. That was good. Allen was glad for them.

But Allen wondered what Kanda would do. What did Kanda have that wasn't fighting? He couldn't think of anything. Kanda was of course a very kind person at heart, cold, annoying exteriors aside. He'd hate to see Kanda die in a gutter because he didn't know how to do anything but kill. Tie Doll had died somewhere along the way so Kanda didn't have anyone to support him. Kanda didn't have any nonkilling abilities. He couldn't sew, couldn't cook, couldn't clean, and could most certainly not be polite. Allen doubted if the man even knew how to wash dishes. All he'd ever known was fighting.

Allen wondered what would happen to Kanda.

A few months passed, and the last few akuma were killed. Actually there was probably most definitely a few more out there, but if there was they weren't going to duplicate and a former Exorcist would find them sooner or later.

Komui held a speech.

He thanked them, the Exorcists, the Finders, the scientists, the staff, all of them, for their help. He told them what an honor it had been to fight with them. He grinned and said that they'd gotten those akuma good. A few people chuckled. He recited some bible verses and expounded upon what a wonderful glittering future was lying ahead of them, a glowing future with no Noah and no akuma and most certainly no Millennium Earl. They all cheered, A few people cried.

Allen hadn't looked at Komui once during the speech. His eyes had been fixed on Kanda, on his face, his eyes searching for a reaction, a twitch, anything that could give away what he was thinking, what he was feeling. It was as if his face was made of marble. But Allen could almost swear that he'd seen something that almost looked like fear glint in his eyes, and maybe something like guilt as well. But it might have just been Allen's imagination.

They had a big feast in the cafeteria then and it was packed. Most of everyone made sure to get wasted. Everywhere he looked there were happy smiles and flowing ale and food that smelled just wonderful but he saw no Kanda. Despite all of the food he ended up being one of the first people to leave the party.

He walked through the hallways aimlessly, not knowing where he was and not particularly caring, as lost in his thoughts as he was in the castle. But none the same, as if by fate, he stumbled upon Kanda.

He was sitting by a bay window, looking out at the courtyard, his face turned away from Allen, his hand clutching Mugen's hilt as if it were the only thing keeping him anchored to the earth.

"Hi," Allen said.

Kanda didn't flinch precisely, nor even wince, but there was a minute twitch that ran through his body, and for just a moment Allen saw a sliver of Mugen's blade unsheathed before Kanda recognized him as not a threat and stopped himself from cutting his head off. Kanda was going to have to live with that reflex for the rest of his life. Allen wondered if he'd be able to stop himself each time. Allen wondered if he'd end up killing some innocent person that startled him, if he'd get arrested, if he'd get hanged and die. Allen wondered if that was a preferred fate for Kanda instead of constant shame at his own helplessness.

Allen wondered what would happen to Kanda.

Kanda made a little noise with his throat, indicating he'd heard him.

"You left the party pretty early." He said and he felt stupid. He felt like an asshole. They both knew what was going on here. Allen was worried about Kanda, about what was going to happen to him, what he was going to do, and Kanda knew it and Allen knew he knew. He should just come right out and say it, talk about it, but they also both that that would just result in yet another fight. And that was too familiar, too normal, for them to do. It would be painful.

Kanda made that sound again. It wasn't an answer. But Allen knew why he'd left anyways. All that happiness, all that cheer, when he was uncertain over his own future, when he was _scared_ if his own future, when he wished the war wasn't over and that the akuma and the Noah and the Earl was still there, when he felt shame and guilt over wishing for such terrible things, all of that triumph and celebration as he felt like the world was ending was probably unbearable.

There was a silence again and Allen felt helpless. So very, very helpless. He knew his friend was in trouble, maybe his worst crisis yet, but he couldn't help him. He didn't how to help him with that stubborn pride of his. He'd refuse all help, thinking it charity. Allen wondered if this was what Kanda felt like all the time. Helpless and guilty and shameful.

Allen wondered a lot about Kanda.

You'd think that the day the war between the akuma and Exorcists ended that it would be sunny and beautiful but outside it was raining. The skies were locked in gray steel clouds and the rain was falling by the bucketfuls, the wind howling and bitingly cold.

"Kanda," Allen rasped, his eyes stinging as if hornets had attacked them, and he was close now. He was so very, very close to just coming out and saying it, to just cut to the heart of the matter and talk about it.

"_Allen," _Kanda said and he said it forbiddingly, he said it in a warning way. _Stop, _that one word said, _just stop it, just shut up. _What actually stopped him was the fact that the voice was also thick and wavering. Kanda was crying.

Allen felt himself standing at a crossroads. He would have to make a decision now and whatever he said or did next would decided which route he was taking, which turn, which road. Except that Allen didn't know which way was the right way, what was at the end of any of the roads. He didn't know what he should do, what was for the best. Whatever he did know, he somehow knew, would change his life. He didn't know how, except that it somehow involved Kanda, it had to involve Kanda.

He was about to leave, was actually lifting his foot up to turn away, when a memory hit him like a ton of bricks. He remembered himself crying at the circus, and Mana patting his head, staying at his side, saying comforting words that changed his life, for the better, and he swallowed dryly. He couldn't just leave Kanda out to dry, stubborn pride or no.

And so he stayed.

As he planted his feet into the ground he could feel his metaphorical ones start, choosing a path for better or worse, the end unknown, except that it somehow involved Kanda.

"Kanda, do you… do you want to join me in the circus?" he said.

Kanda was shaking badly now, was probably biting his tongue to keep in any noises he would deem too pathetic for the Bean Sprout's ears, and he barely caught that hoarse whispered _yes. _

Suddenly the future didn't seem so bleak anymore.

* * *

Now this is _far _better than my last chapter! I'm actually happy with this. I hope you guys liked it too. Please review!


	97. Mad

**Mad**

"Well, turns out that the adage 'loves makes you mad' is true after all, eh, Yuu?" he said.

There were more flowers than normal, more flowers than there ever had been. Except that for once they weren't on the ground or around him. They were above him. When he craned his neck it was impossible to see a single inch of the ceiling due to lotuses covering every single spot of it, growing upside down yet somehow clinging to the surface of the ceiling. As he watched petals rapidly fell from each lotuses so that they spiraled down in slow meandering circles like sakura petals during spring. Each petal grew back almost instantly and then it was shed and the process started again. The end result was him having to wade through lotus petals in the hallways of the HQ while trying to look like he was just walking normally.

"Quiet Alma," he mumbled.

His head felt fuzzy, like it was stuffed full with cotton. Everything seemed brighter somehow, radiant, like there were inner light shining within each stone in the wall, from each person's limbs and eyes, from each petal. Everything glowed.

"It's not a sign of insanity when you start hearing voices. But when you start talking back however…" Alma said, trailing after him.

Alma didn't look his age, as he had the last time he saw him, when he killed him for the final time, when Allen saw his memories and deepest secrets and most shameful personal moments. He looked like how he had when he first met him, when he first helped him out of that pond. Young and innocent, alive and sane.

Kanda tried not to look at him.

"Shut it, smartass…" he muttered.

"What was that, Kanda? I didn't quite catch you." A voice asked and Kanda was about o repeat himself, louder this time, when he realized that that wasn't Alma's voice. Alma who should be dead. He was used to having hallucinations, but only about flowers. There had never been anything else.

He turned around and the motion made him dizzy, made his ears ring and head buzz, made the world swim before his eyes, blurring together like running water colors on a canvas. But the world righted itself up again after a moment of disoriented blinking so it was okay.

Allen was standing behind him, and there was a look of mounting concern on his face.

"Are you okay, Kanda?" he asked.

"Are you?" Alma asked, standing right next to Allen. But there was no concern in his tone. Only playfulness and something else that wasn't quite as harmless as that.

A breeze blew through the corridor, even though it should be impossible, even though they were inside a building, inside in a hallway with no windows. The breeze blew against his back and it ruffled Allen's hair. Allen didn't seem to notice, none of the others in the hallway did either, just kept walking on, minding their own business, for them there were no flowers, no Alma, no breeze.

The petals swirled in the breeze and for a moment the world freeze framed as if the universe was taking a picture. Kanda guessed it looked nice, but also sort of surreal. There stood Allen, concerned for him and ignorant of the fact that he was standing with lotus petals up to his shins, his hair frozen just as it was billowing behind him in the wind that shouldn't exist, the petals flying behind him adding to an extra romantic flavor. And of course he was glowing. But he wasn't glowing like his surroundings. He was brighter. Comparing Allen's glow to the rest of the world was like comparing a star to a flimsy light bulb. Yes. That was what Allen was, a bright shining star plucked out of the night sky and placed on earth where it could outshine everything and everyone with no effort or malice at all.

And then the picture was apparently taken and the world started moving again.

Alma cackled wildly from Allen's side, unseen and unnoticed by the other Exorcist. Alma never cackled in life, Kanda thought dazedly. Alma had had a nice pleasant laugh, the tinkling bell laughter of a young child who tried to see the best in every situation and person. This was a nasty cackle, more befitting a witch than his dead best friend.

"Kanda?" Allen asked and the concern was growing, growing and growing.

He should be concerned, Kanda thought. He should be.

"Kanda answer me. What's wrong?" he took a step closer to him and it was as if his glow, his inner star light, doubled in strength.

It was so strong that Kanda's eyes watered from the piercing light.

The sweet scent of lotus flowers was cloying and pungent. Overpowering.

"You're going mad." Alma said. "Coo coo, losing your marbles, mad as a hatter, losing it, insane, crazy. Have the flowers ever done such a thing before? Growing from the ceiling? Has the smell of them ever been so strong? Where is the wind coming from? I'm dead. Long dead, you killed me, remember? So why am I here, talking and walking as if everything is okay? And why is everything glowing? Why is the world halting at random moments like a bad record on a phonograph? Why, why, why? I'll tell you why. It's because you're going mad."

He tilted his head towards the lotus infested ceiling and did that nasty cackle again, that nasty un-Alma-like cackle.

"Mad as a hatter!" he howled.

No one looked at Alma, because they couldn't hear him and couldn't see him, because he was _dead. _

Allen took another step closer and Kanda had to squint against the glow to see his expression, to see that he was rapidly growing alarmed. It was like looking at the sun.

"I'm fine," he finally said, and it was like hearing another person speak, far away and distant, voice muffled and words barely distinguishable. How odd, he thought. Allen's words had sounded so clear and sharp, each syllable piercing through his skull, the tone and inflection somehow vitally important.

"Love makes you mad." Alma said.

The rest of the world's glow was dimming, the fall of the petals lessening, Alma growing less noticeable and important, with each step Allen took this happened, though with each step the glow within him grew and it was now almost impossible to look at him directly. The wind was entirely gone.

"Really? Because you don't look so hot." Allen said, each word so very important to him for some reason, each word being unconsciously recorded and memorized by him.

I don' feel so hot, he thought. My dead best friend is back again and taunting me. The world is all wrong and we're wading in flower petals that shouldn't be there. You're like the sun.

He said none of these things of course. Instead he said, "Tch," and turned around from that unbearable glow and walked away, and with each step away from him the petals increased, the glow of the world grew stronger, though not as strong as Allen's. Even the wind was picking up again; even Alma was somehow becoming more solid again, having grown almost transparent in Allen's presence.

I'm not mad, he thought. I'm not mad and I'm _not _in love. Most certainly not.

Alma was cackling again.

* * *

I feel like this could be better but I just suddenly wanted to write about hallucinations. I blame the anime Hyouka. Please review! Only a few chapters left!


	98. Closet

**Closet**

"I still say that this is your entire fault."

"And I still say that if you didn't want to hide and just face the consequences then you shouldn't have followed me."

"You looked like you knew what you were doing!"

"I did know what I was doing! Hiding in a closet when your friends enter the room while you are in a state of undress is a completely logical course of action. Only a physic could have foreseen such an event as this!"

"I thought you had a cursed eye."

"It doesn't work like that and you know it!"

All of this was of course whispered, seeing as Lavi and Lenalee were talking within earshot just outside of the closet Allen and Kanda were hiding in, while shirtless to boot. As Allen and Kanda had been busy, in the midst of a make out session that was turning into something more, Lavi and Lenalee had unexpectedly entered the storage closet they'd been doing their business in, holding a couple of crates full of files each. The two had seen the turning doorknob, heard the voices of their two close friends, remembered their state of shirtlessness, and had understandably panicked.

And that was how the couple ended up inside a cramped closet inside of the storage room whispering arguments at each other as Lavi and Lenalee chatted while sorting files as Reever's demand.

"By the way, have you seen Kanda or Allen anywhere, Lavi?" Lenalee was heard asking Lavi.

The two hiding Exorcists tensed.

"Nope, but they're probably in the training room or somewhere else." Lavi replied and the two of them relaxed again and went back to arguing as their friends started talking about the weather.

"The closet!? Really!? You couldn't think of _anywhere _else to hide?" Kanda hissed as Lenalee remarked on how unusually sunny it had been lately.

"There _wasn't _anywhere else to hide and you know it! Now stop complaining or else I'm kicking you out of the closet."

"You wouldn't dare."

"Oh, I would."

"Did you just hear something?" Lavi said.

Kanda and Allen both ceased breathing at the same moment, freezing in place. There was a brief silence.

"… No, I don't think so, must have been your imagination."

Kanda and Allen released their breath in two twin whooshes of air.

And then there was the sound of two drawers being shut and two sets of footsteps departing from the storage room, the door closing behind them.

Kanda and Allen traded a look for a moment.

"So, I suppose it's time to get out of the closet." Allen said.

"I guess so," Kanda said.

There was a brief silence as neither of them opened the closet door.

"Actually I suppose it is more… enjoyable here?" Allen said.

"I suppose so," Kanda said.

And then the both of them were back in the process of unclothing each other, an activity that they had been oh so rudely interrupted in of their two unknowing friends, except this time inside a tiny cramped closet.

* * *

Are there any metaphorical parallels to Kanda and Allen hiding in a closet? That's up for you, my dear readers, to determine. At least they're having fun while doing it.


	99. Conversation

**Conversation**

"Excuse me," a polite voice broke the fog in his mind and he looked up. A man with white hair and an odd scar was smiling politely at him, holding a Styrofoam cup of hot chocolate and a brown paper bag that was bulging with food. "Can I sit here?"

"Sure," Kanda said and went back to his newspaper. As long as the stranger didn't bother him he didn't give a damn where he sat.

"Thank you very much," he said and sat down.

Kanda meticulously scanned the pages looking for-

"Looking for a flat?" the white haired man interrupted his thoughts yet again.

"Yes," he said, glancing up. What he saw made him briefly pause. The man was holding a half eaten donut, his other hand still holding the hot chocolate. What was odd was that the brown paper bag was already half empty. But that had to be his imagination right? No way could anyone eat that fast. It was physically impossible.

And so he put it out of his mind, going back to flat searching while hoping that the stranger wouldn't bother him again-

"Lovely weather, isn't it?"

Kanda nearly growled. It seemed that Kanda had been unfortunately saddled with one of those people that just couldn't handle silences and so did their best to fill them up with inane chatter. He just had the worst luck.

But then he actually looked up and saw something weird. The brown paper bag was nearly empty now and the man was in the process of calmly sipping at some of his hot chocolate.

"Where the hell is all of your food going?" he demanded.

He blinked at him and then grinned,

"Here," he said, reaching into the paper bag and pulling out his last food item, a huge chocolate chip cookie. "I'll show you."

And then he literally just jammed the whole freaking thing into his mouth. Somehow, despite being larger than his mouth, it just fit. The man chewed twice and then swallowed with no difficulty. The whole thing took no more than three seconds.

Kanda was gaping.

The man took another sip of his hot chocolate and grinned again, sort of mischievous yet friendly.

"My name's Allen by the way. What's yours?"

"Kanda," he answered without thinking, still a little bit in shock.

A minute little later he came back to his wits and leaned over the table, an intense look on his face. "How the _hell_ did you do that!?"

"A magician never reveals his secrets." He replied mysteriously.

"You're a magician?" he said doubtfully.

"Well… a clown really. But it's basically the same thing."

Kanda raised his eyebrow.

"It is! Sleights of hands are involved, sleeve work, showmanship, odd costumes, etc…" he listed off his fingers which Kanda noticed just then were gloved.

"It's Friggin' _July. _The hell you wearing gloves for?"

The man, Allen, flushed. Kanda took an odd sort of satisfaction in that.

"Ah, well you know…"

"I don't know."  
"Well, I'm a clown, yeah? So I guess it's just force of habit, huh? Always wearing gloves and all that. I just don't feel all right without them." Allen obviously lied. Badly.

Kanda decided to let it slide. Just this once.

Allen cleared his throat and took another sip of hot chocolate and grimaced a bit. It was probably getting lukewarm already.

"So… what'choo looking at flats for? Moved here recently? House caught fire? Graduated?" Allen changed the subject.

"I just got back from serving in the army." He said.

Allen nodded sagely.

He made a move for his lukewarm chocolate but then thought better of it. And then a thought seemed to occur to him. Kanda could just imagine the light bulb lighting above his head as his eyes widened a bit. He looked up at Kanda and smiled a familiar smile, as if he had known Kanda for years and years.

"Hey… I just actually happen to be out a tenant. Nice place, ninety pounds a month… You interested?"

"Ninety pounds a month?" Kanda asked incredulously. "Jesus Christ the place must be a roach motel!"

Allen looked momentarily insulted but then just shrugged it off.

"Nu-uh! It's freaking lovely! You can see for yourself! The place is fit for a bloody queen!"

Kanda smirked arrogantly, deftly folded up his newspaper, tossed some pounds at the table as pay, and stood up. "Oh, I' willing to take you up on that Moyashi."

"Moyashi? That sounds like an insult, girl-face!" Allen stood up, having apparently already paid at the cashier's, and glared across the table at Kanda.

"Goddamn straight it is. You're as short as a bean sprout,"

"And you're as effeminate as a Barbie princess!"

And that was how the next forty five minutes went, the two of them throwing short jokes and 'are you having your period, my lady?' jabs at each other the entire way to the place where Kanda would briefly scan his potential place of living, loudly deem it to be a stinking pile of shit, but decide to live there anyways. He never moved out.

* * *

ONLY ONE MORE CHAPTER LEFT! Also, for those of you expecting a magnificent grand finale as the last chapter, prepare to be disappointed. Because seriously, if I could pull unusually awesome writing out of a hat like a magician with a rabbit I'd do it all the frikkin' time. But I will do my best to make it good, just as I do with each and every chapter. To all of you who have hanged on so long I want to thank you. I thank you for your reviews, your favourites, your follows, I thank you just for reading. I never expected for my fic to be so popular. Never.


	100. Love

**Love**

He was crying again.

Kanda looked at Allen, and it was with a rare sort of helpless exasperation that he did so. He wished that Allen wouldn't cry so much, so easily.

It was for an Akuma, again, of course. He always wept for them, always felt for them, mourned them, and loved them. Allen was probably the only person in the entire world who genuinely loved monsters, who could actually see the good in literal killing machines and pity them.

Kanda hated it when he cried; he just felt an odd guilt at the pit of his stomach even though it never was his fault when it happened. But it wasn't just that. Kanda just felt _bad_ when it happened. He felt horrible, almost made him want to weep with Allen. But he would never allow himself to do such a thing. He had pride, some would say too much, some would mention that pride was a sin. Well, sin or no sin, Kanda couldn't control it, couldn't stop it. He could no more cry as effortlessly and shamelessly as Allen did in public than he could fly.

Kanda looked at Allen. His eyes were a soft dew silver, verging on gray, a kaleidoscope of shifting grey and silver, shining and sparkling in the sunlight, an unpredictable hypnotic shifting pattern barely visible in his eyes if you paid close attention.

Those were eyes made to cry, Kanda thought, as if God had intended it from the start. He cried for the Akuma, he cried for the sinners, the evil ones, and the victims, the innocent and ignorant and mistaken. He cried for everyone but himself. He cried for Mana, and he cried out of mistaken guilt. He cried as if his mere continued survival while others died around him was the most grievous sin of all.

Not that Kanda liked it. Whether or not Allen looked beautiful and angelic when he cried didn't mean he liked it. He hated it. It made him feel awful. For Allen the most grievous sin of all was him living, for Kanda it was him crying. He shouldn't cry. He should smile, be happy. He of all people deserved that.

He guessed he liked Allen, cared for him even. He had to, to make such a big deal out of just some shed tears. That was all they were, tears, salt water, liquid.

He wondered if he should hug him, comfort him, but he could not bring himself to do so. Pride was holding him back again, damnable pride and so many people surrounding them, Finders helping the wounded and confused and plain hysterical while the two of the just stood there, Allen mourning the lost ones and Kanda just standing there being useless and in love.

In the end he settled for putting his hand on Allen's shoulder and he leaned against it gratefully but did not stop. He would do so soon, Kanda knew. While he couldn't stop himself for crying for the lost ones he always managed to control himself after awhile of grieving.

Was this what love was? This horrible guilty feeling springing up on him every time Allen cried? It was, Kanda knew, but it was also more. It was that breathless euphoric feeling he got whenever Allen smiled at him as well. It was the tingling burning feeling that burst forth on whatever part of his skin that Allen had briefly touched. It was that reckless bold feeling he got whenever he shielded Allen's back when they were in battle. It was the caring, the compassion and sympathy that he sometimes had to desperately struggle to hide. Love was a lot, Kanda realized. It could be anything from burning jealousy to soaring confidence. His every mood hung on Allen now a days, how he treated him, how he reacted to him, how he was, how he felt, how he sounded and smelled even.

It was all about Allen now. He guessed that that was what love was. It wasn't all bad.

Allen roughly swiped at his eyes with his hand, the red one, his glove torn and deformity exposed but forgotten in his grief, and he looked up at Kanda, eyes red and puffy, tear tracks visible on his face that looked raw and vulnerable form his recent bout of crying, and he smiled tiredly but gratefully up at him. Kanda's heart soared up from where it had been lying in a useless lump in the pit of his stomach to the greatest heights, nearly all the way up his throat, and he wondered if he was blushing. He hoped he wasn't.

"Thanks Kanda," he said, his voice low and subdued, probably fighting against a lump inside his throat, and now he was _definitely _blushing, and he just hoped that Allen wouldn't notice.

"Che," he said dismissively, but felt anything but dismissive. He felt flustered. That was a part of love too, he thought, bumbling and embarrassing fluster and blushing and general awkwardness.

And then he noticed that at some point his arm had snaked its way around Allen's shoulder and it was now sort of slung over his shoulders. It seemed that in the heat of the moment he head actually managed to temporarily forget his pride, just as Allen in his grief had forgotten his hand. He thought that that was sort of interconnected. Allen with his hand, ugly and sinful looking, destroying any semblance of normalcy in his life, and Kanda with his pride, just as ugly if not more, outright sinful, and inconvenient and restraining, stopping him from doing the things he truly wanted to do, such as hug Allen, such as comforting him in his weaker moments, such as not having to hide his caring and compassion and sympathy and pure love. Kanda really did hate his pride.

His face felt hot and he dropped his arm from Allen's shoulders, taking a step back, but rather than look offended Allen laughed a little, and the sound was downright melodic, like the tinkling of a bell.

He wondered if Allen loved him as well. Not as he loved the Akuma, even though that was indeed a fierce love that would never end, he still wanted more. He guessed that pride wasn't the only sin he was guilty of, he guessed he was kind of greedy as well. Most people went their entire lives without being loved as Allen loved the Akuma, he should really be thankful if Allen loved him that much, Yet he hoped for more, an even stronger love if that was possible. He wanted a love from Allen that was special and personal; he wanted to be loved by him in a way that Allen could love none other.

He shook his head to clear the thoughts cluttering up and walked away, feeling wishful and embarrassingly sappy. He guessed that was a part of love as well.

* * *

I totally saved the best word for last. It has been amazing writing this fic! Thank you so much for reading this!


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